YOU WILL BE MY BANE

THE ADDICT

A.

Icarus is dead. He thought it was prudent to be his true self but rather it exposed him to self righteous bigots.

He was betrayed by the one he loved most.

I get home and I am shivering. I sit in the shower and glance through social media. The video is everywhere. The boy who tried to kiss chief Emenike Uwa and was brutally beaten to death.

I read the comments under the videos and I am paralyzed with fear.

"Serves him right" one comment reads.

"Let him f**k the devil when he gets to hell" another comment reads.

"This is what we should be doing to them since they have chosen to bring shame to themselves. Imagine kissing an innocent man. Poor Chief Emenike, he must be traumatized" yet another comment reads.

"Let me get this straight; a lanky boy of 24 that weighed 70kg tried to r**e a 46 year old man that weighs 100kg? Something smells fishy about this whole thing" another comment reads.

I switch off my phone and I take a hurried bath. I slip into bed but I don't sleep. I cry.

I cry until my eyes hurt and by 3 in the morning I am snoring.

I dream of Icarus. I see him die all over again. They are hanging him this time. They are gathered in what looks like a haunted gallows with Icarus's head covered with an ominous black sack.

"Hang him!!" The crowd scream as their medieval torches burn ferociously, casting dark silhouettes on the trees and bushes around.

The executioner puts the rope around Icarus' neck and just before he releases the floor underneath, he removes the sack covering Icarus' face but it isn't Icarus, it is me. I scream in terror as the executioner releases the ramp and I fall , my neck breaks. I scream and wake up with a jolt.

I go to work still thinking of Icarus. You are already at work. I have a knife-like headache and a strange case of photophobia.

I forgot that I have hangover to worry about when I downed drinks like water the previous night.

I get my papers for court and I walk to the elevator. I don't greet you. I don't greet anyone. The events of last night are running through my mind. The television near Obiora's cubicle is showing gory images of Icarus's dead body.

They are calling him the r****t gay.

The elevator opens and I step in. The door begins to close and a hand parts them, your hand.

"Hey Nate, can we talk?" You say.

"Is that an order or a suggestion?" I ask.

"That's a plea" you say.

"Then I'm disinclined to agree to said plea" I say and you nod.

"Then I'm coming with you" you say and enter the elevator.

We ride in silence until we get to the ground floor and step out. We head towards the door and you walk towards the parking lot while I wait for a taxi in front of the firm.

In a matter of seconds your car is in front of me.

"I can drive you to the court house" you offer.

"Why are you being nice sir? Are you scared I might run my mouth?" I ask you and you chuckle.

"Quit being a douchebag and get into the car, Nate" you say.

I know that I should say no, I should refuse, I should walk down the road and get a taxi but I don't, I open your door and just like a hooked addict relapsing, I enter.

"Nice shirt" you compliment and I grunt a 'Thank you'.

The ten minutes drive to the court house is done in silence. You try to switch on the radio and Prince Nico Mbaga's Aki special starts to play and you switch it off, cursing the radio station for playing such an archaic song.

We get to the court house and Barrister Wale's client's case hasn't started yet. Another case is in sitting and I enter, you follow. I sit at the back and you sit near me. The court rises as the Judge enters and then sits. The case is introduced, apparently this is the third sitting.

"Barrister Ejiofor said he sent you to his Village to do something for him and that you were not to be disturbed" You whisper to me and I look at you.

"Of course I had a feeling that he was lying. Where did you really go?" You ask.

"Shush" a beautiful girl who looks like a law student that wandered off campus shushes us. I remove my nose mask and stick my tongue out to her. You laugh and she rolls her almond eyes.

"Don't do that man! We are sorry dear, we will be quieter" you say to the law student.

"Why didn't you call when you suspected that Barrister Ejiofor was lying?" I ask.

"I'm sorry, I guess I was ashamed I tried to buy you off. I know it's no excuse but I'm sorry" you apologize again.

"It's okay. I'm sorry I spoke to you like that. I guess I still have a lot of issues to work out" I tell you and you smile.

What am I doing? I should be telling you off, I should be keeping away from you. An addict doesn't go back to their addictions after they almost killed themselves. Or do they?

I have a new lease on life, I have to understand these emotions and I can't do that if I'm still pining over you. Why aren't I attracted to other men? Why is it only you? Why don't I feel an iota of s****l attraction to other men in the office or those I meet at the bus stop or at the bank?. Isn't that how being Gay works? Why only you? I ask myself. Then I remember Icarus, I remember how happy I felt when I spoke with him last night and I remember how sad I felt when I watched him die.

I look at your quivering lips, your misty eyes and your immaculate teeth and I swallow hard. Like an addict longing for a fix; I squeeze my fist, my nails digging into my palms.

"So, we still friends?" You ask and extend a hand and I shake it. Your palms envelope mine and I feel the warmth and the grip. You smile again and the fire in me burns fiercely for you. Burning brighter and getting dangerously hotter.

Isn't it ironic; You are addicted to cocaine and I'm addicted to you?. Isn't it weird; you seek fantasy, an escape but you are bound to reality and I seek reality but I'm rooted in fantasy?. Do opposites really attract or am I doomed like Icarus?

You tell me you have to get back to the firm and I nod. You leave and I hold my palms together.

The Law student sitting beside us stares at me and rolls her eyes. Does she understand what I feel for you? Does she suspect me?. But I don't have to wait for long to find out because she runs out of the court room.

I sit through two more cases before Barrister Wale's case. I move closer and hand him his files. I can't concentrate on the case, my mind is thinking of you. Occasionally I hear Barrister Wale's opposing counsel ask the witness on the stand how many times he caught Mr. Uzoma (Barrister Wale's's client), drinking and gambling with his friends when his wife was away. Apparently the man has a drinking and gambling problem.

He has gambled away almost everything he has. I feel sorry for him. I begin to wonder if I am an addict too.

"An addict has no control over his object of addiction" An expert witness had said on the stand a few days ago. I remember it and I swallow hard.

I have no control over these emotions. Does that make them natural or does it make me a slave to myself? I have to talk to Doctor James again.

The court session ends and I miss most of the events that transpire but the case is adjourned. I help Barrister Wale to pack up his files. I take them to his car and I rush towards the exit of the court house.

I wave down a taxi and in fifteen minutes I am at Doctor James' clinic.

The belligerent nurse at the reception tries to stop me. "No one sees the Doctor without an appointment" she says but I am already at Doctor James' door.

I open it and he is sitting on his chair with a ball of foofoo in his left hand. Who knew Doctors ate foofoo?.

"Well, good afternoon Nathaniel, nice of you to have knocked" Doctor James says and I smile.

Wait a minute, was he been sarcastic? Huh.

"I'm so sorry sir, I tried to stop him" the nurse says ruefully.

"It's okay Nurse Teni, you can go" she gives me a stern look and leaves and I close the door.

"I'm so sorry Doc, it was really important that I see you" I tell him.

"I can come back if you are busy" I tell him again.

"No, come on in" he says and packs up his bowl of soup and foofoo.

"I just thought I should slip in for a quickie session" I tell him.

"Quickie session huh? Yeah sure." He says as he washes his hands on the sink at the corner of the room.

"Doc, do you have any pointers on how to stop an addiction?" I ask as I take a sit.

He stops washing his hands and looks at me.

"Okay, wasn't expecting that but who has this addiction? You or that your female friend?" He asks.

"My female friend of course" I say and look away.

"Okay. What sort of addiction is this? Drugs? Alcohol? Food? Electronics? s*x?"

"Well, it's not your conventional addiction. See, she's too fond of her friend. Temi. She likes her so much that it worries her. She likes her romantically, if that wasn't implied" I say, still avoiding eye contact.

Doctor James wipes his hands and sits down.

"She's afraid of her friend's reaction if she finds out that she likes her, romantically?" He asks.

"Yes!" I almost scream and Doctor James looks affectionately at me, almost pitifully.

"Maybe she should tell her friend. It's the adult thing to do" he says casually, drying his hands on a blue towel around his neck.

"What if her friend doesn't feel the same way about her? What if her friend hates her afterwards?" I ask, sounding scared.

"Well, at least it's better than not knowing. It's not a crime telling someone how you feel. If they say no, then you will understand and keep your feelings and expectations under check. Sometimes not knowing is worse" he says and I nod.

I understand what he is saying Yemi but he will not understand why I can't take his advice. He does not know about your hatred for homosexuals. He doesn't understand how much you hate people like me and honestly I don't understand too. I know that there is a story there and one day I will get you to tell me.

I thank Doctor James and I walk away.

The nurse at the reception gives me the stink eye as I cross her.

I get back to the firm and I sit at my cubicle. I check my mail, Barrister Wale wants me to go with him to meet a client tomorrow. I begin to prep for the meet. I look towards your office and your face is buried in the laptop in front of you.

You are not wearing the same cloth you wore when we went to the court house earlier. Did you go home to change?

I look at your face, you look so engrossed in your computer. I wonder what you are doing. I think of walking towards you and telling you about what I feel for you. I feel the urge to tell you that I think about you more than the sun shines.

I think about you more than the trees love dancing to the soundless music played by the wind.

I know that everyone is addicted to something, some to drugs, some to alcohol, some to money and power and but for me, it's You.

Why can't I do drugs instead? Sure it might kill me but loving you is worse. It will not only kill me, it will destroy my family's reputation, it will destroy me. I should stop thinking about you, I should get to work.

I begin to prep for the meet with Barrister Wale's client. I look up to check what is blocking my light and Tope is there, smiling lustfully at me.

She draws closer and bends towards my cubicle. My eyes go to her bosom and I look away immediately.

My mouth fills with saliva as my mind remembers the night I shared with her.

"So, so. Em..Tope, hi" I say with a high pitched voice.

"Hey, so, this weekend, I heard Falz is hosting a show at Mbadiwe theatre. You in? I got tickets" she says and I look towards your cubicle, you are looking at me. I look away immediately.

"So, em... Tope" I say.

"Yeah? So I will pick you up at six pm on Saturday. Wear something with a zip, I have a wish to cross off my bucket list"

She whispers in a 'moanful' voice which I'm sure would arouse any straight man and send him scampering after her. I nod and she touches my nose and leaves.

What is it with these women and my nose. I raise my phone up and check my nose. It looks normal, in fact if there is anything normal about me, it is my nose.

So why are they always tugging at it?.

I smell your cologne as it draws closer and closer; that means you are coming towards me. I swallow hard and I focus on my Computer.

"You are smashing Tope? Damn! I underestimated you" you say in a voice that conveys pride and respect.

"Yeah" I say before my conscience kicks in.

"What? No! We are not smashing. Why would you even think that?" I tell you and you laugh.

A deep, low roar-like laughter.

It is as if a lion found a joke told by the antelope amusing and decided to laugh, his roars echoing through the entire jungle and sending the birds flying into the air.

"Oh Man, I should have seen it before.

This cute innocent demeanor you put forth always. Damn it man! You do know that Tope is a top tier feminist right? Many guys have tried but she turned them down. What is it about you?" You ask and laugh.

"I don't know what you are talking about" I tell you and you laugh again.

"You know what? It's 3pm, let's go have lunch, come on. I'm buying" you say and you walk towards the elevator but I don't follow you.

You stand at the elevator and look back towards me, "you coming?" You ask and I nod. I put my computer screen into sleep mode, pick up my phone and dash towards you.

Like a lover who hasn't seen her betrothed for years and finally gets to spend the whole day with him, I dash towards you and squeeze into the elevator with you.

The elevator has a maximum occupancy of eight persons but standing there with just you makes the space smaller than it actually is.

I look at your frame leaning stylishly against the elevator wall, we make eye contact and you smile. My heart races and all feels right in the world.

B.

We get off the elevator and cross the street to the Mr. Biggs' fastfood across the road.

The smell of fried chicken and pastry wafts into my nose and tugs at my stomach.

I sit and you sit across from me, beaming with smiles. It might be my feelings for you speaking but I think I can see pride all over your face.

What is so important about being with Tope? She is awesome but it's you I want and you don't even know it.

Ten minutes later we are eating rice and fried chicken.

"Come on Nate, tell me. How did you get her? Was it that night after the marina incident?" You ask.

'Marina incident?' is that what we are calling the art of burying your one night stand at sea?

"Yeah" I tell you and you jab me in my shoulder, proud and happy that I am getting 'some'.

If only you know just how much I crave you.

"You know, things got weird after that marina incident and we couldn't really hang out because we don't really have much in common but now we can" you say and laugh.

"By common, you mean Tope" I ask you and you wink at me and laugh.

"Don't worry, it was just a fling, happened so long ago" you say.

It's now obvious to me, you have been looking for something for the both of us to bond over and you have found it. Well, something other than burying a body at sea.

"Tope is actually dope. You must be good if she is coming back for more" you say and take spoonfuls of rice.

I smile, "Well, we have to represent, right?" I say with a shrug and you laugh.

You look at me and shake your head. It is as if you are just noticing a side to me that you haven't seen before.

I wish this moment won't have to end. It is like we are having our first date and you don't even know it. Should I tell you how I feel? Is there a possibility that you feel the same way towards me?

Icarus's dark fate flashes through my mind and I swallow hard.

The door to the eatery opens and a girl with a familiar face walks towards us.

"Hey! Farah" You say and stand.

"Hey" she replies with a smile, an all too familiar smile. Then it hits me, it's the law student from the court house. What Is she doing here?

" Nate, you remember Farah?" You tell me and I nod.

"She is an attorney at Ekene and Tunji firm" you say and I nod.

That lousy Law firm down the road.

"Hy Nate, and thanks Yemi for a wonderful morning" she says and winks at you.

"Why don't you sit with us?" You invite her.

"No thanks, I'm here to meet a client, oh, he's already here" she says and waves to a very shady looking man sitting at the back of the Eatery. She joins him and the man looks happy to see her.

Poor soul, who knows what trouble he is in.

"So you had s*x with her this morning?" I ask you and you nod with a dark smile racing across your gorgeous face.

"But you just met her today" I tell you and you shrug.

"I know right? She's a wonderful lady" you say and continue with your food.

Who has s*x with someone that they just met for the first time? What sort of a person are you Yemi? Was that why you changed your clothes?

"So I'm going to this club tonight, Cubana Chief priest opened it last week. Wanna come?" You ask and I hesitate to answer.

"There will be babes there, hot stripper babes" you tell me and I nod.

It is like the angel responsible for sending up my prayers to heaven decided to do his Job today.

It's the dream- you want to spend time with me - it's the nightmare- I can't tell you how much these moments mean to me.

"What about Berry? I thought you are serious with her?" I ask you.

"Yeah, but what she doesn't know won't hurt her, you are not going to tell, are you?" You ask me.

"No!" I say.

"Good, because if you do, you will be breaking the Bro Code" you say and cut a piece of chicken and throw it into your mouth. I look at your lips as they crunch together and your teeth grind the chicken.

"The Bro Code?" I ask you bemused.

"Yeah. You know them right?" You ask.

"Yeah sure, I do" I say and stuff my face with rice.

You laugh. "Oh my God! You don't know the Bro code?" You ask, choking with adorable laughter and I nod.

"Well, I'm your mentor, let me drop some pearls of wisdom for you.

The most important Bro Code; A bro must never tell his Bro's shawty that a Bro is cheating but a Bro must always tell his Bro if he catches his Bro's Shawty cheating" You say.

"Shawty is girlfriend right?" I ask you and you nod.

"So basically, I shouldn't tell Berry that you are cheating on her but I should tell you whenever I catch Berry cheating on you?." I say.

"Yeah, that's the code man, I didn't make the code" you say.

That doesn't scream toxic masculinity at all.

I look at your face, your bushy eyebrows are styled like a woman's. I look at your jaws as you chew, the muscular movements they make send a comforting feeling down my spine. Yeah, I'm smitten by you Yemi.

Like an addict going back to his object of addiction, I am drawn in and Mesmerized by you.

I am in deep trouble and I don't even know how I got here. How is this possible that I should feel all these things for you and still feel nothing for other boys?.

I remember Icarus again and I swallow hard.

Is there something different about you? If I am drawn to you, surely I should be slightly drawn to other boys. But no, it's just you, my very own addiction. Icarus' face flashes through my mind and I sip my juice.

Okay, maybe I was attracted to Icarus for a fleeting second, maybe a full minute, two?

I should feel disgusted by you, I should hate you but this toxic 'Bro Code' makes me want you more. I don't know why, perhaps I'm drawn to darkness, or to things that are unhealthy for me. I did eat sugar cubes this morning though.

"So are you going?" You ask me and I sip my juice.

"Going to where?" I ask.

"The club house man!" You say.

"Yeah sure" I moan.

"That's my guy" you tap my hand happily and I look into your eyes, you are genuinely happy that I am coming with you. A warm feeling permeates my entire being.

It is becoming exhausting guessing, do you feel about me the way I feel about you? Am I even sure that you really hate gays?

Maybe you hate them because you are one. Internal homophobia, that's a thing. I read it when I researched a bit about homosexuality before I tried to haul myself off a roof.

I cringe as I remember my roof experience.

But maybe you hate gays because you are one.

After all, didn't Vasimia from the Witcher say that sometimes our deepest hate is about the things we cannot change about ourselves?.

I'm going to that night club with you tonight and I will tell you exactly how I feel about you.

I remember Icarus again and I swallow harder.

Damn the consequences. "Not knowing is worse" Doctor James' words race through my mind.

But how do I tell you how I feel when I don't even understand it?.