Selfish

Chapter Ten - Forgiveness

Ch 10

            The days that followed my hospital stay, I noticed a change in those around me. Keith had invited me to go to work with him, which I thought was odd. As far as I knew, he had a boring office job somewhere doing boring office work. Why should I go with him?

            When I told him that I’d prefer to stay home and go for a walk, maybe check out the community pool, he stiffened. He agreed that I could stay home but suggested that I wait to go to the pool until we could all go as a family. All summer, he’d been letting me go out by myself. Was he treating me differently because of the seizure? Was he afraid that I would run away again after finding out the truth?

            When we had gotten home from the hospital after my MRI, I had sat down with Keith and Katherine and apologized. I knew I had been wrong to be angry for them for taking me from my mother, and it wasn’t their fault that I was in this situation. I had been a total brat all summer so far.

            They, of course, dismissed my apology and went into their own: apologizing for keeping the truth from me all this time; apologizing for not being in my life more. This was the first moment I felt any kind of sadness that I didn’t know my father. He clearly was trying to be a good father to me, and it was obvious that Emily loved and looked up to him.

            Katherine had also suggested that I could go to day camp with Emily so we could have more bonding time together. Although they had a program for kids my age, I wouldn’t have been in Emily’s group, and it was too late to enroll at this point anyway. Especially with Emily going off to a horse-back riding camp in a couple weeks.

            When I’d suggested just staying home with Jimmy, they seemed to relax. What else would I have done? I was beginning to think they really believed I would run away. I felt awful for putting that into their minds.

            Once they’d all left for the day, and Jimmy and I were left alone in the kitchen, I turned to leave the room.

            “Wait,” I heard him say, his mouth full.

            I turned to look at him and frowned. He was hunched over a bowl of some sugary cereal, his hair standing up at odd angles from being pressed against his pillow all night. He wore loose pajamas, and although it was clear he had rolled out of bed, he looked alert. Why did he have to be so cute?

            He finished another bite of cereal quickly before standing and quickly making his way across the linoleum to me.

            “Uhm...” he darted his eyes away from me. “Uh, where are you going?” His voice was sheepish. It didn’t at all reflect his confidence in coming to me just a moment ago.

            “Is that really what you wanted to say?” I asked quietly. I wondered at all the possibilities—had he been coming to apologize? to explain why he’d stayed in my hospital room? Did he think of me at night?

            I quickly shook all the daydreaming scenarios from my head before he could respond.

            “Uh, yeah,” he agreed, one of his hands running through his messy brown hair.

            I sighed. Life is not a fairytale.

            “Uh,” I realized my arms had been crossed, so I dropped them to my sides and shifted awkwardly. “I dunno, I was going to go for a walk, maybe?”

            Really, I had been planning to go to the lake with a book. I had a reading list for school that I had been neglecting, and although I had wanted to apologize to Jimmy for the way I’d acted, every time I got near him, I would lose all confidence. I didn’t think I could handle an entire day locked in a house with him.

            “I’m coming with you,” he declared, moving to get his jacket and boots.

            “NO!” I answered, surprising both of us.

            He looked hurt.

            “Um, it’s just that, I have this reading list and…” I trailed off, not making things any better. I knew the damage was already done. I couldn’t very well tell him ‘Oh, Jimmy, you can’t come with me because I have a huge crush on you, and I don’t know how to act when you’re around anymore.’

            “Don’t worry about it,” he waved a hand to dismiss my explanation. “But you can’t go out alone.” He finished.

            “What, why?”

            He sighed, running his hand through his hair again. I watched the way his head tilted back, his eyes closing softly as he took a deep inhale through his nose.

            “Because you might get hurt,” he finally said. His eyes found their resting place, locked with mine. Where he previously seemed alert and focused, he now showed sadness and worry.

            I let myself get swept up in all that was him for a moment. He was so close, he could easily bend down to brush his lips against mine.

            I noticed myself leaning up toward him and took a different turn.

            “I’m not a child,” I said. “I can take care of myself.”

            His eyes fell and he brought his hand to the back of his neck, frowning.

            “Alright, well, at least just tell me where you’re going,” he reasoned.

            He was right. On the off-chance that I did have epilepsy, or that certain events would repeat themselves, I would at least want someone to know where I’d gone.

            “Uh, the lake, I guess,” I shrugged, trying not to look at him in his perfect eyes. “Where we went swimming,” I elaborated, blushing.

            I didn’t know if you could consider it swimming. I thought back to the night we’d first kissed. We were both wet with lake water: me, from falling into the water, and he, from running into it intentionally. I wished I could go back to that night. Everything felt so right. This time, though, I wouldn’t have gone to see Drew the following day.

            Jimmy cleared his throat. I had forgotten where I was for a moment.

            “Uh, yeah, okay,” he agreed to let me go. “But I’m going to come check on you in an hour,” he decided.

            “Two hours,” I negotiated. I knew that an hour would not be enough time for me to calm down my anticipation of his arrival. I wouldn’t get any reading done.

            “Fine,” he nodded.

            “Good,” I agreed.

            “Right.”

            “Okay.”

            We looked at each other, both left standing awkwardly in each other’s path. I tried to keep myself from smiling, pressing my lips together tightly. I noticed him doing the same thing, and I suddenly couldn’t hold in my laughter, first making its way out in stifled snickers. Soon we were both laughing loudly in the doorway together, and he wrapped his arms around me tightly, lifting me to my tiptoes and shifting his weight so that we were in some kind of weird hug-dance.

            It felt so good.

            When we’d both calmed our laughter, he looked down at me, smiling. His eyes were sparkling with mirth. Then he suddenly dropped his arms from hold me and straightened his shirt, clearing his throat and rubbing the back of his neck again.

            “Uh, right, then. So, I’ll just have a shower and see you at the lake,” he confirmed.

            I nodded, frustrated that he had separated himself from our embrace.

            He made his way quickly up the stairs and suddenly I was left standing in the doorway, forgetting what I had planned to do.

            --xx—

            As I made my way to the lake with book in hand, I thought of all the times I had been to the lake with Jimmy, and all the walks we had taken together, late at night. We had started an easy friendship, and I wanted so badly to go back to that, if I couldn’t be more to him.

            I wondered whether he felt the same. He had kissed me—twice. He’d fought Drew to protect me. He’d stayed the night in my hospital room. He had stiffened when he saw my body, delicately tracing his fingers across my skin…

            Then again, he’d only been checking me for leeches. Wasn’t it just natural biology for a teenager to get hard with a half-naked girl so close? And maybe he was only being protective of me with Drew because I’m family now. Sort of.

            But then, he had kissed me.

            As I made my way into the trees to find our spot by the lake, I thought I heard someone walking behind me.

            Could it be Jimmy?

            I turned to scan the trees behind me. I couldn’t see the road now, so I must be close to the water’s edge.

            I heard another rustle of leaves and a twig snapped. My head snapped in the direction from which I’d thought it come. I saw someone pushing their way through the trees.

            “Liz,” came a voice from the figure. It didn’t sound like Jimmy.

            “Jimmy?” I squinted. As his face came into view, all blood drained from my face. It was Drew.

            “Liz,” he called again, quickening his pace.

            I turned to run toward the water. What I was planning to do once I got there, I had no idea. I panicked, and I tripped on the root of a tree. I could see the water now, still a way off.

            “Liz,” he said again, this time much closer, and softer.

            I turned to face him, the fear filling my face. He wore a kind expression, which heightened my senses even more.

            “What do you want?” I shouted, although he was close enough to hear a whisper now.

            He winced before reaching a hand down to help me to my feet. I eyed it suspiciously.

            He sighed and stood up straight, running a hand through his hair. I thought again of Jimmy. They had many of the same mannerisms. I guessed from being friends for so long.

            I scrambled to my feet, collecting my book from the ground and brushing the dirt from its cover. I’d fallen hard, and there were scrapes on the heels of my hands.

            “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice dejected.

            “Yeah, well, you’re not forgiven.” I turned to continue my way to the water’s edge, and he fell in step beside me.

            “I was drunk and horny, and I…” he tried to explain. I kept my eyes forward. Determined not to feed him any attention.

            “I’m really sorry, Liz,” he stopped me by blocking my path. I tried to walk around him, but he grabbed my shoulders to face him.

            Anger started to boil under the surface. I was angry about him touching me without my consent, and here he was doing it again.

            “Let go of me,” I said calmly.

            When he did, I made my way around him and found a tree stump to make camp on. Opening my book for the first time, I tried to read the opening passages, and found myself rereading the same words, distracted by his presence. When I looked up at him to ask him to leave, he sat across from me.

            “Will you at least let me try to explain?” he pleaded.

            I sighed and closed the book, placing it in my lap and giving him my undivided attention.

            “What could you possibly have to explain?”

            He looked down at his hands, no answer coming. When I moved to open my book again, he answered.

            “Liz, I really don’t know what came over me. I was hurt,” he caught my interest. “I saw the way you were looking at Jimmy all day and I just…” he looked over to the lake. “I got jealous.”

            I blushed. Was I really that obvious?

            “I’m sorr—”

            “No, don’t apologize,” he sighed. “I should have known that it would happen. I mean, you live with the guy. I can’t compete with that. You probably, like, see each other naked.”

            Now, I really blushed. His eyes widened.

            “No way,” he laughed. “You’ve seen him naked?”

            I figured I must have been three different shades of red by this point, and I shook my head hard.

            “No,” I defended.

            “Bullshit,” he laughed. It was contagious. By this point, I was finding myself smiling, too.

            “Look,” he started. “I just want to be friends with you.” He leaned forward seriously, raising his eyebrows for emphasis. “You’re a cool girl, and I shouldn’t have done what I did,” he rubbed the back of his neck. “But I hope you can forgive me. I would hate myself if I couldn’t see you for the rest of the summer,” he finished.

            I mulled his words over in my head and decided he was sincere. He had been drunk, and I had been lusting over someone else—we were both in the wrong. I nodded slowly.

            “Okay. I forgive you.”

            He smiled widely and we started to talk. I decided there was no way I was going to read this book anyway, so we gave in to conversation. I told him about how I’d fallen into the pond after I scared him away, and he laughed. He called Jimmy a “lucky bastard” when I told him about the leeches, but I started to blush again when I thought again of Jimmy’s bulging boxers.

            It was easy conversation, and it felt good to let go of all the anger I’d been harboring. I’d been able to move forward with virtually everyone: Keith and Katherine had offered to throw me a Sweet 16 party at the beach; Emily and I were finally talking; Drew and I had a civilized conversation; Jimmy and I had laughed and hugged in the kitchen—everything was falling into place. I just needed to forgive my mom. Somehow, it felt impossible.

            --xx—

            Drew had left a while before Jimmy came to check on me, and I’d only made my way through a few pages of the book. It was difficult to concentrate after the conversation Drew and I had.

            Although I hoped things would be more normal with Jimmy now, he was quiet the whole way home. I had decided to cut my lake trip short since I wasn’t being productive anyway. Maybe I could get more done if I locked myself away in Emily’s room.

            It was still light out, probably mid-day, but I didn’t want to break our silence to ask as we made our way down the gravel driveway. I would find out the time soon enough.

            When we got home, Jimmy made his way up to his room, slamming the door behind him.

            Weird.

            I saw that it was just past noon, so I washed the cuts on my hands and made myself a sandwich for lunch. Deciding to make two, I brought the second upstairs on a plate for Jimmy. I knocked on his bedroom door, but he gave no answer, so I left the plate next to his door, where he would see it, but not where he might accidently step on it.

            Figuring he might be taking a nap, I made my way into Emily’s room and did the same. I was tired after having eaten. And without making any more progress on my reading list, I fell asleep.

            --xx—

            Over the next two days, Jimmy avoided me completely. I couldn’t figure out what had made him withdraw after we made up in the kitchen. Did I do something wrong?

            Instead of staying in the house with him, I made plans with Drew and we would go for walks, or he would take me to the movies—he was a much better friend than he was a date. I was relieved that he never tried to touch me and wouldn’t laugh at me if I did something embarrassing. Maybe he had just been nervous about dating and tried to overcompensate. Mom was always telling me men liked to do that: act macho and condescending to feel some sort of superiority in a relationship. Maybe she was right.

            Either way, I was having a good time and I wasn’t cooped up inside all day.

            I had even been spending more time with Emily when she got home from day camp. We would go outside to the creek and look for salamanders and talk about all the cute boys in her group. She talked a lot about a boy called “Jake,” who apparently had a crush on her. She told me how he’d come up to her and asked if she liked him. She’d said “No! You’re mean to people.” I had to stifle back my laughter when she relayed this to me, her face turning into confusion. When did liking boys become so complicated? I wished I could just have simple feelings like her.

            I couldn’t help but miss Jimmy, though. I was seeing him less and less, and he had stopped coming down for breakfast with the rest of the family. Katherine explained away his behavior as “being a teenager” and “enjoying his summer vacation,” which made sense. I just couldn’t help but take it personally.

            I had tried to talk to him a few times, but he would blatantly ignore me or leave the house just to get away from me. I talked about it with Drew, but he just said it’s typical Jimmy, and that I shouldn’t take it personally—he’ll get over it and stop sulking at some point.

            I figured he was right. He knew him best, so why should I question it any further.

            On Sunday, Emily invited me to go with her to the stables to see her ride. Although I didn’t want to go back, I agreed because I wanted to be a better big sister. Remembering my last awful trip to the stables, I made sure to wear long jeans and a long sleeve shirt, even though the sun was beating down that day—I didn’t want to get dirty and itchy from all the horse hair and grime that came with being at the stables.

            It was less miserable dressed properly, but I was sweating terribly by the time Emily finally got the saddle on the back of her horse. Because her grandparents owned the farm, they had given her a beautiful black mare, who they tended to in her absence. She was calm and allowed Emily to put the heavy leather seat on her back with no issue, Katherine strapping everything into place to make sure it was secure.

            As Emily turned to start putting the tackle on a speckled white horse in the next stall, Katherine snapped at her.

            “What are you doing? You’re riding Beauty,” the black horse’s name.

            “But, I just thought that maybe Liz would want to ride, too,” she defended quietly.

            Katherine snapped her head toward me, and I wanted to retreat into myself. I didn’t want to be in the middle of this.

            “Liz is not riding today,” Katherine said finally, and I let out a sigh of relief. As much as I wanted to share something with Emily, these animals were huge, and I felt nervous at the thought of being so high on their backs.

            Emily’s face twisted into defiance.

            “Why not?”

            “Because,” Katherine sighed, “she’s never ridden before. We need to give her some lessons first.”

“That’s a lie, and you know it.” Emily crossed her arms in front of her chest.

“I think I could give it a try,” I shrugged, hoping to ease the tension.

Katherine shot me a warning glance. “We still haven’t gotten the results back from the MRI.”

            Oh.

            It made some kind of sense, them wanting to keep an eye on me. It must have been why my dad had asked me to come to work with him, and why Jimmy didn’t want me to leave the house by myself initially.

            Emily suddenly kicked the wooden door of the stall, which slammed against the wall beside it, knocking down several brushes and metal picks.

            “Emily!” Katherine scolded. Before she could get in another word, Emily had stormed past her, bumping her hard with her shoulder on the way outside.

            “Excuse me,” Katherine muttered to me as she made her way angrily behind her.

            Not knowing what to do, I made my way closer to Beauty and stroked the side of her strong neck. She moved under my touch which startled me at first, but I continued to run my hands across her short hair. I looked into the eye she had closest to me, dark and knowing.

            I heard shouting from outside the barn and shushed the horse as if to calm it. Really, I wanted to be anywhere but here. Although I didn’t really want to ride the horse to begin with, it hurt me that I wasn’t allowed. I wasn’t a baby. And Emily had epilepsy—she was allowed to ride. Why was I any different?

            Decidedly, I made my way outside to the two of them, both their eyes red and wet with fresh tears.

            “I want to go home,” I declared, tears threatening to form in my own eyes.

            “Okay, sweetie,” Katherine started to make her way back to the barn. I guessed to take the tackle off the horses again. Emily simply groaned loudly and stomped off toward the car, where I followed her.

            We sat waiting for Katherine to come back, and Emily told me that this is how it had been when she was first diagnosed. She was never allowed to do anything fun, and they treated her like a baby. I was starting to share that frustration.

            After a silent drive home, Emily immediately stormed upstairs to her room. Keith looked at us in confusion from the kitchen, chopping vegetables.

            “Dad, can I ride a horse?” I suddenly asked, testing the waters.

            “Uh…” he stopped whatever he was doing and looked at me pointedly. “I don’t know if that’s the best idea.”

            “Why not?” I crossed my arms in front me.

            “Well,” he looked to Katherine for guidance.

            “Look at me, Dad.” He did.

            “Well, because, it’s just not safe,” he said.

            “Okay, so then why can Emily do it?”

            “Because she has experience,” he deflected.

            “Fine.” I thought quickly for a new experiment. “So can I go to the pool tomorrow?”

            “No, Liz, we talked about this. Wait until we can all go together.” He was losing his patience but so was I.

            “What is this about?” He asked

            “Oh, nothing.” The sarcasm dripped from my lips, filling the tense air. “I’ll just go for a walk, then,” I started for the door.

            “You will not, young lady,” his voice was loud now. Katherine even flinched at the sound of his voice.

            “And why will I not? Jimmy gets to go on his own” I raised an eyebrow. I knew very well why not, but I wanted to hear him say it.

            “Because you could be sick!” He slammed his hands on the counter in front of him. “You can’t do what the other kids can do!”

            There it was.

            His face fell and he pinched the bridge of his nose.

            “Good. I’ll be back whenever I feel like it then.” I stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind me.

--xx—

I cried as I made my way down the street. The sun was starting to set lower in the sky but, I felt sticky in my long, sweaty clothes. I thought about stripping into my underwear and jumping into the lake once I got there—it was turning into my favorite place to go.

I was being treated like a child. Emily had more freedom than me, even though she was younger, and it was confirmed she actually had epilepsy. I felt silly for being jealous of her, especially since she must have been through much worse.

I didn’t know when I had stopped crying, but now I made my way through the trees, finding my way back to the comfort of the familiar water’s edge.

As I neared, I saw a familiar figure sitting in our spot. Jimmy was sitting alone, staring at the water. I could see his profile clearly, his eyebrows furrowed, his gaze intense. He sat on the tree stump, resting his elbows on his thighs, folding his hands together in front of his spread legs.

He was beautiful.

I shifted to get a better view of him, and a twig snapped beneath me.

Shit.

When I looked up, he was staring straight at me.

He groaned.

Of course he doesn’t want me here.

I turned to leave.

 “No, wait,” he called. I stopped in my tracks. “Have you been crying?” He sounded curious, if not concerned.

I turned to face him in answer. I knew my eyes would give away the truth.

            “What’s wrong?” He stood to approach me.

            “Nothing,” I looked away. I knew that I would just sound petty and childish if I explained.

            “Is it Drew?” His voice suddenly angry, I turned to deny it. “Did you come here to meet him?”

            “What?” His accusation caught me by surprise. I hadn’t meant to ask aloud.

            “Drew,” he accused again. “You came here to meet him.”

            “Uh, no. I came here to be alone,” I answered honestly.

            “Bullshit. I saw you with him the other day. When you wanted to ‘be alone,’” his rude tone was accompanied with air quotations, his fingers bending through the air in mockery.

            I audibly scoffed. “He was apologizing,” I defended, my arms crossed against my chest.

            “And what, you’re just dating again, now? After what he did?” His voice louder, he pointed in the direction of the house.

            “What do you care?” I turned to leave again and he caught my wrist.

            When I turned to face him, there was something new in his eyes. His gaze was soft and he opened his mouth to speak.

            Tell me you care.

            Dropping my hand, he spat the words at me: “I don’t.”

            He pushed past me through the trees, leaving toward the road, leaving me alone. Hadn’t I wanted to be alone?

            --xx—

Sam,

            Everything I do is wrong. I apologized to everyone here and everything seemed to be going so well. Keith and Katherine were even going to throw me a Sweet 16 party on the beach! I think I might’ve lost that privilege though… I kind of ran away when they said I couldn’t do anything. They wouldn’t even let me go to the pool because we’re waiting on the stupid MRI results.

            I even made nice with Drew. We’ve been hanging out with friends and it’s way better than when we were trying to date. He’s way cooler than I thought.

            I may have royally f****d things up with Jimmy, too. I don’t understand him. He’s so hot and cold, I don’t know what he thinks of me. I just want to go home.

            Love,

            Lizzy

            xoxo