Selfish

Chapter Nine - The Truth

Ch 9

            I hadn’t let anyone into the room after fighting with Jimmy. Keith had tried more than once, and so had Katherine, who talked through the door at me, but I continued to stare angrily at the smiling shadow. It was taunting me.

            All I could feel was betrayal and hatred. How could they all have lied to me? Keith and Katherine were one thing: I hadn’t expected more from them, but my own mother—she’d not only kept me in the dark, but she sent me to live with my father instead of just facing me like an adult.

            Could I really trust Jimmy’s word, though? He hadn’t exactly been the most rational person this summer, even picking a fight with his best friend.

            Although, he may have been right in wanting to protect me from Drew… As I thought back to the pond incident, I felt a pang of guilt in not telling Jimmy the whole story.

            Drew had been following me around all day, sending glares toward Jimmy any chance he got, which was quite a lot. He would barely say anything, which was really awkward, because I really didn’t know anyone at the party, and I wasn’t interested in talking to anyone else. I was trying to entertain the un-entertainable.

            He had snuck a few beers throughout the day, though, and was starting to get a bit more talkative by the end of the day, and I hoped he would be in a good mood for the fireworks.

            Of course, we never made it that far.

            He started acting really strangely when he came back outside from using the bathroom—touching me and laughing and seeming to have a good time. That in itself may not have seemed strange to anyone but me, but there was something wild in his eyes. He would lock eyes with Jimmy and then turn to me with a huge grin on his face, never reaching his eyes.

            It wasn’t until we were in the gazebo before I knew I really should have avoided him altogether. I’d wanted to see the fireworks, but he forcefully pulled me into the gazebo with his hand over my mouth, the other wrapped around my torso from behind. I remembered trying to break free, but his grip was tight, and my arms were pinned. He had whispered something into my ear. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t remember exactly what he’d said—I had been crying and trying to open my mouth to bite his hand.

            He looked over his shoulder quickly before pulling me hard onto his lap and holding me with both arms, slamming his mouth against mine, his tongue invading me.

            I remember being stunned for a moment before I felt his hand creeping under my shirt, pushing the cup of my bra away to forcefully squeeze my breast.

            When I tried to push him away now with my arms free, he muttered nasty things to me. Things like “be a nice little slut,” and “let me get to second-base tonight, baby.”

            He pushed my shirt above my breasts and started to lift my bra with it.

            I slapped him.

            Hard.

            For just a fraction of a second, he’d stared at me blankly. I could tell he was drunk then, and realized I’d lost count of all the beer he’d drunk throughout the day.

            When he finally seemed to realize what I’d done, he stood, spitting the word “prude” at me in discussed, and raised a hand to backhand me.

            I still don’t know what came over me, but instead of bracing for the impact or cowering away from him, I screamed wildly through my tears and punched him hard in the face.

            I screamed again and he ran, tripping over himself as he made his way to the trees. I was running after him when the ground fell out beneath me and I was sucked into the murky water of the pond.

            Jimmy had been the one to save me. Was I wrong in the anger I felt toward him? No. He lied.

            But he’d been right all along about Drew. Then again, Drew had been drunk when all this happened, and I knew that people were known to do stupid things when they were drunk.

            Was Jimmy right that Drew had been using me? For what? I had nothing to offer him.

Unless he was after s*x? If that was the case, the little fifteen-year-old visiting would not have been my first suggestion. Why not go for someone like Izzy, who’s eighteen and hot? They seemed to be hitting it off at his party when they were making out in the middle of the floor.

I wasn’t ready to be caught in the middle of this. I just wanted to go home. Even though Mom had lied to me, I knew I was not happy here.

Maybe she wasn’t sick at all. Maybe Jimmy was making all of this up as some sort of twisted game: “Let’s make Lizard miserable.”

I wanted to believe that, but something about his words had just made sense. I thought back to my mom’s persistent cough. She’d been really sick over winter, which isn’t uncommon, but her cough was still there after all these months. Was that normal?

And she’d been complaining of back pain—could that be related? And she’d been tired—really tired. Some weekends she didn’t get out of bed until noon, but then, I was known to do the same. When had she started sleeping in?

My head was spinning, still trying to convince myself that Jimmy was lying now. The only way I could find out for sure was to confront my parents, so I would have to talk to them when they got home from work. Plus, by this point, I really had to use the bathroom and though I didn’t want to get out of bed, it seemed like a better option than wetting the cot.

Tiptoeing into the bathroom, I prayed not to find Jimmy, and thankfully I didn’t, but for some reason, I found myself wishing I had.

--xx—

No one was home for the rest of the day. I had taken advantage of the empty house, taking a long hot bath and trying on a few different outfits in the mirror. It all got old quickly and I eventually found myself in the kitchen trying to find something to make myself before they all came home.

I knew Emily had been going to a day-camp and that Keith would pick her up after work, so Katherine was usually the first to be home.

After I’d eaten enough to make my stomach growl in pain, I waited in the kitchen for Katherine’s arrival, but it was actually Jimmy that came through the door first.

We locked eyes before he quickly hung his head low to the floor. I noticed his boots were caked in mud and his hair was disheveled. I thought I saw a hint of blood on his knuckles before he shoved his hands deep into his pockets. He turned away from me to untie his shoes, so I wasn’t able to get a good look at his hands before he ran upstairs and slammed the door to his room.

Almost as if on cue, the front door swung open again, but instead of just Katherine coming through the door, all three made their way in, laughing together.

How dare they be happy?

I glared at them until they found me with their eyes, falling silent. Katherine urged Emily upstairs to change, which she obliged after fixing a quick perplexed look in my direction.

“Uh, hi, honey. Did you have a good day?”

I glared in response to my father’s question.

“It’s Liz,” I corrected him again.

“That’s no way to speak to your father, young lady—” Katherine’s snotty mothering tone rang out through the air. I had cut her off without a word.

Looking back to my father, I dared him to call me “honey” again. He didn’t.

“Please, sit,” I offered, waving a hand to the empty chair across from me at the table. As he awkwardly made his way into the chair, I put my elbows on the table, folding my hands together and resting my chin on my knuckles. I raised my eyebrows to show I was ready to hear an explanation.

“Liz,” he cleared his throat. I smirked as Katherine crossed her arms in front of her chest, sighing heavily. I had won this round.

He sighed and his eyes fell to a random spot on the kitchen table.

“Yes, Keith?” I was enjoying this little game, swinging my legs under the table and c*****g my head to the side.

“You little—” Katherine started to mutter under her breath, but Dad came to the rescue.

“Katherine,” he warned. “She’s right to be angry.” He defended me.

            “Damn right, I’m right.”

            I could feel Katherine’s eyes boring a hold into me, but I continued to ignore her, waiting for some explanation from Keith.

            “Is it true?”

            He finally looked up to meet my eyes.

            Sighing, I heard what I already knew. “Yes,” he dropped his eyes again. “She’s sick,” he explained.

            Even though I had known what was coming, my heart jumped into my throat and I couldn’t swallow. A familiar sting made its home in my eyes once again.

            “Lung cancer?” I asked. Again, I already knew the answer. Jimmy had been telling me the truth.

            “Extensive stage small-cell lung cancer,” he nodded. My head started to spin.

            “How long have you known?” my voice was quiet now, despite wanting to sound confident and accusing.

            He looked to Katherine for guidance, but I waited patiently now for his response.

            “She didn’t want to worry you,” he diverted.

            I said nothing, but continued to stare.

            “Since February,” he finally answered.

            I felt a whole new swell of emotion filling me now, and I suddenly wanted to vomit.

            “Was there even a court hearing?” I wanted so badly for him to have been the evil in this scenario. That he had learned of his condition and though wrongly that she couldn’t handle me. I wanted to scream at him and beat on his chest. I wanted to cry.

            But I didn’t.

            He looked again to Katherine.

            “Liz,” he sighed again. “You have to understand that she wanted what was best for you.”

            I stood suddenly, wanting to leave this place. I had nowhere to go—Emily was in her room, Jimmy was in his—I couldn’t run away. The room was spinning and I saw stars from standing up too quickly.

            This isn’t fair.

            --xx—

            Again, I’d fallen unconscious. I woke up lying on the bathroom floor with Katherine kneeling beside me, stripping off my clothes. Keith was running the bathwater loudly beside my pounding head.

            “What’s going on?” I tried to bring my head up, but my neck rolled. Everything hurt. My voice was only a whisper.

            “She’s awake,” Katherine nudged Keith as she held my head upright.

            “Oh, honey,” I didn’t protest this time.

            “What happened?” I tried to cover myself, I was still wearing my pants, but my shirt had been stripped from my body. I didn’t want them to see me in my bra, let alone naked.

             “You fainted,” Katherine explained. I smelled the foul stench of vomit on myself and frowned.

            Sitting up, I felt a sharp pain in my side and looked to find a large bruise forming, not unlike the one Jimmy had sported from his fight with Drew.

            “Let’s get you cleaned off,” Katherine continued to unbutton my pants, which I now saw were soaked in my own urine and bile.

            Glowing with embarrassment, I let her pull the wet fabric from my legs.

            A strong knock came at the door, and Keith swung the door open too far to go into the hall. Before the door shut behind him, I saw Jimmy peering in at me with worry in his eyes. I turned away from him, starting to cry again.

            I imagined what this must look like to him.

            “Shh, shh…” Katherine cupped my cheek gingerly, wiping the tears from my face.

            I sobbed loudly. I hated that her touch comforted me in that moment.

            “I’m s-s-sorry!” I choked the words out through terribly labored breath, my throat aching and dry.

            “Shhh…” she continued, pulling me into her chest. I didn’t stop myself from wrapping my arms around her, crying loudly into her expensive dress.

            It was all too much to take in. She held me as my head was spinning, trying to piece everything together. I had been horrible to her, and here she was being more of a mother to me than my own.

            I was able to calm my breathing only to burst into new fits of tears and sobs, my eyes wet and my lips collecting strings of saliva. I was disgusting.

            Bringing my breathing back to normal, she finally loosened her grip on my head and supported me as she reached to turn off the running bathwater.

            She asked me if it was okay to take off my underwear and I simply nodded. I felt too weak to do it myself and by this point, I was way past embarrassment. She stripped off my bra and panties easily and helped me into the bath, her eyes lingering a little too long on my left breast. I looked down and saw what she’d been staring at. A vaguely hand-shaped bruise had formed on my skin. I followed her eyes to my arms and my side—more bruises.

            I covered myself and averted my eyes.

            “Oh honey.” Katherine’s eyes started to well up then and she leaned over the wall of the bath, holding me close once again.

            “You’re getting wet,” I pointed out. The front of her dress was splashed by my movement, and the sleeve of her cardigan was dipped into the water, but she didn’t move.

            I’d never felt so vulnerable, but also so loved.

            “I’m okay,” I suddenly felt stronger. I felt like it was now my turn to soothe her.

            “I’m so sorry, sweetie,” she continued to hold me. “You fell so fast, we tried to catch you,” she sobbed.

            I silently thanked the universe that she didn’t attribute the bruises to Drew. But, why? Why did I want to protect him?

            “Wait, what do you mean?” I pulled back from her, still hiding myself in the warm bathwater. I wished for bubbles.

            She wiped her eyes and sighed, reaching for a large sponge, which she dipped gracefully into the water, pouring liquid soap into it.

            As I waited for an answer, she pushed my body forward and started sponging my back.

            “You had a seizure,” she explained.

            I sat in silence. I should have felt more surprised, or worried, but I simply sat and let her squeeze the soapy water over my skin.

            “You fell into the chair and hit your head on the table. Your body was…” she trailed off, and I barely heard her words going forward. “We have to take you to the hospital once you’re cleaned up. You might have a concussion.”

            My head was still spinning, but somehow, I felt more calm than I had just moments before.

            She had me stand, wrapping a towel around my shoulders before scrubbing my legs. I stared at the door, not knowing how to feel.

            When she’d finished, she helped me out of the water. She took another towel and dried my legs. I started to feel self-conscious again. I couldn’t remember the last time my mom had given me a bath.

            I moved to gather the soiled clothes from the bathroom floor but Katherine interjected that she would take care of it and not for me to worry.

            I wrapped myself in the towel properly so that I wasn’t exposed before leaving the room. When she led me outside, Keith and Jimmy were outside the door talking in hushed tones, but they fell silent when they saw me.

            Keith sprang into action and took my arm, leading me into Emily’s room. I looked back over my shoulder to see Jimmy staring after me with worry, Katherine bent over to scoop up my dirty laundry.

            Emily sat on her bed, her eyes as puffy and red as mine.

            She looked up to me and scrambled to the floor, running over and looking to our dad before wrapping her arms tightly around my waist.

            “Emily, I have a very important job for you,” he started. I admired that he didn’t change his tone with her. He treated her as an adult.

            She nodded enthusiastically and he nodded slowly in response.

            “I need you to take care of your sister while she gets dressed, and then we have to take her to the hospital. Can you get together some extra clothes just in case?”

            She agreed to the task and immediately went to work. I really hoped I wouldn’t have to spend the night in a hospital, but I appreciated his thoughtfulness—it hadn’t occurred to me.

            Emily held up some clothes from my bag, “do you want this or this?” She shifted her weight nervously.

            I chuckled. I felt horrible for the way I’d been treating her. She was my only sister, for god’s-sake. I guessed we did look a bit like each other, although I could really see Katherine’s features in her.

            “I trust your fashion sense,” I waved a hand to the luggage to give her free reign. She beamed up at me and started to throw clothes everywhere, holding things up and placing different pieces together as I took a clean set of underwear from the wreckage.

            “Here, put this on,” she shoved a dress in my direction—one my mom had given me. I hadn’t worn it at all this summer, except the day I’d arrived.

            “You looked so pretty in it,” she urged, and I took it from her. I could tell she was being sincere, even though I’d been a wreck by the time she’d seen me.

            Once I’d pulled it on, she smiled widely and handed me the sandals Katherine had given me.

            I laughed. “Am I going to the hospital or a date?”

            She blushed, but explained that this would be easy to take off if I needed to put on a hospital gown.

            I wondered then if she’d had a lot of experience in the hospital.

            She turned and unpacked her backpack from day-camp, carefully placing another outfit into it. “This one will be more comfortable, so that when you get out, you’ll feel at home.”

            I suddenly felt so sad. I had practically wasted half the summer avoiding her, when all she wanted was a sister. How did she know what to do?

            “How—” I started to ask, and she answered without thinking—scripted.

            “I have epilepsy. You get used to being in the hospital and being hooked up to machines.”

            I sat on the bed beside her in the outfit she’d chosen.

            “I’m so sorry, Em.”

            She looked at me.

            “Sorry. Emily,” I corrected myself.

            “No, you can call me, Em,” she started, delicately placing a stuffed rabbit on top of my clothes before zipping up her bag. “Just don’t apologize,” she continued to look at the bag and I felt a new wave of sadness and guilt wash over me.

            “I’m sorry,” I instinctively said. She c****d her head to the side and we both laughed.

            “Come on,” she pulled her backpack on and took my hand, pulling me into the hallway, both of us still with wide smiles plastered to our cheeks.

            She pushed past the others who were all still in the hallway, and ran down the stairs. “Can I sit next to you?” she asked when we got to the front door.

            “Of course!” I agreed. I wanted to make up for lost time. I’d been so selfish.

--xx—

It was a short drive to the emergency room, and I had sat in the middle seat with Emily and Jimmy on either side. I felt bad for ruining everyone’s evening, but Emily and I were having a good time in the backseat as she told me about all the boys in her group at day-camp. I could feel Jimmy staring at me, but he would whip his head back to the window or to his lap when I would turn to him.

            I shouldn’t have yelled at him, either. I was still angry that he’d kept my mother’s illness from me, but I guessed it really wasn’t his fault, after all. I’d have to find some way to apologize.

            There was some kind of issue with figuring out my insurance when we got there, but I was admitted all the same, and they quickly checked me for a concussion. A slew of doctors and nurses were in and out of the room with long lulls between, where I was left in an awkward silence with Keith. The others had all waited in the lobby, but Emily had given me the rabbit to take with me.

            I clutched it to my chest and looked at the neatly folded pile of clothes on the seat beside my father. She had been right. I was asked to change into a hospital gown almost immediately upon admission, just before they hooked up an IV for apparently no reason.

            Eventually, they revealed that I showed no signs of concussion, but they wanted to keep me overnight for observation, and scheduled an MRI for the morning, since there was family history of epilepsy.

            My dad looked so pale in the hospital lights, his eyes darting to different parts of the four bare walls in the room.

            “Are you okay, Dad?” I asked, and he darted his eyes to me, which softened.

            “Yes, honey, don’t worry.” He awkwardly placed a hand on mine, which tugged on the IV.

            “You guys can go home, I’ll be fine.” I tried to give him a convincing smile, but I really wanted him to stay. I wanted so badly to tell them all how sorry I was for the way I had been acting.

            “Dad—” I started, but he pulled me into a tight squeeze, my legs awkwardly twisting so I could face him.

            “I’m so sorry, Liz,” he said tenderly.

            “For what?” At this point, I didn’t care that he’d lied.

            He broke our hug too quickly and sat forward in his chair, his hands folded in front of him. He looked up at me.

            “I never wanted to lie to you,” he said. “But your mother…” I expected him to badmouth her, “…she had her reasons.

            “She asked us not to tell you when you got here,” he explained. That explained the yelling. “I should have defended you. I shouldn’t have kept you in the dark,” he continued.

            “It’s okay,” I stopped him from going on. “I’m sorry, too.” I felt tears again. Why am I such a crybaby?

            “Oh, honey.” He placed a hand on mine again, looking at me for another long silence before standing. He cleared his throat. “So, I think I’ll send the kids back with Kathy and I’ll stay in the waiting room. I’ll get kicked out of here,” he motioned to the empty room.

            I shook my head. “No, you should go home and sleep in bed. I’m not going to die or anything,” I joked but he didn’t laugh. He simply nodded slowly.

            Katherine and Emily came in to say goodbye, but Jimmy stood awkwardly in the hall, waiting for them.

            Before I knew it, I was left in the empty hospital bed, falling asleep with a stuffed rabbit clutched to my chest.

--xx—

Dear Sam,

            So much has happened in the last couple of days, I don’t even know where to start. They’ve all been lying to me. There was no court hearing. Mom sent me here because she has lung cancer. I feel so betrayed, even though I can’t stop worrying about her now.

            When I confronted Dad and Katherine about it, I fainted and had a seizure. I peed myself and threw up, and Katherine had to give me a bath. It was the most embarrassing thing in my life.

I’m home from the hospital now. Apparently, Jimmy insisted on spending the night in the waiting room in case something happened. When I woke up, he’d already been let into my room and was asleep on the chair beside the bed.

            The others showed up in time for my MRI, to see if I have epilepsy, but I shouldn’t get the results for another week or two. As far as I know, I’ve never had a seizure before, so I’m sure I’m okay. It was probably just stress.

            I’m pissed at my mom. She should have just told me, instead of carting me off to my dad’s for an entire summer! She called me when I got home and tried to explain, but I just don’t get it.

            I miss having you around to talk about all this stuff with. How’s everything back home?

            I miss you,

            Lizzy

            Xoxo