Selfish

Chapter Thirteen - Rhode Island

Ch 13

I woke the next day in a fog—both elated by the prior day’s romantic advances and horrified by my response. I knew Keith and Katherine would not return home for a few hours. Maybe I could find a way to explain myself to Jimmy. I really did like him. But he might not have believed me at this point.

He didn’t come downstairs for breakfast, and I still hadn’t seen him after a long shower. I’d taken care in my appearance that day: I made sure my skin was shaved smooth by going over each area twice; I rubbed a sweet smelling lotion over my arms, legs and chest; I carefully clasped his locket over my heart once I’d dressed, pulling gloss once again over my lips.

I was becoming impatient. When knocking at his door came to no answer, I carefully twisted the knob and found his room empty.

Where is he?

Quickly scanning the rest of the house, I found no signs of Jimmy, and took my next summer reading assignment with me to the gazebo in defeat. If he had left the house, I would hopefully see him coming back.

Without yet opening my book, I looked around me: it was a day much like the one before, although the air was not as still: a cool breeze made its way through the trees and fluffy white clouds hung in the sky.

This was where I’d been sitting when I’d felt his arms snake their way around my waist. I’d felt his warm, soft lips and I knew I wanted to again.

I’d been horrible to Jimmy, shutting him out of my life when he’d been the only person with whom I’d truly connected.

Clutching his locket in my hand, I closed my eyes and breathed the sweet air, letting it swirl through my nostrils and fill my lungs.

Finally, letting my melodrama wash away from me in the cool breeze, I opened my book and tried to immerse myself in its words.

            --xx—

I don’t know when it’d happened, but I’d fallen asleep on the bench in the gazebo and awoke when I heard the car pulling in along the gravel driveway.

Sitting up quickly, I tried to make it seem as though I’d been working, flipping through the pages to find what I could remember.

It was too late: soon Keith and Katherine were closing their doors and making their way over to me with their overnight bags in hand.

“Sleep well, honey?” Keith’s eyes shimmered with amusement at my appearance. I imagined sleep lines from the hard bench lining my cheek.

“Um, I was just…” I motioned to my book, but he chuckled in response, not buying it for a second.

Katherine gave me a quizzical look. “Where’s Jimmy?”

Oh no.

My eyes darted to the house. When they didn’t find him there, would they blame me? It was my fault, after all.

As I started to open my mouth to speak in my panic, the front door swung open and Jimmy lazily leaned on its frame.

“Welcome back,” he pulled his lips into a smile, though his eyes looked tired and fixed themselves ahead, not daring to venture in my direction.

“You didn’t stay up too late, did you?” Katherine glanced between us.

“Oh, no,” he waved a hand toward me, although his eyes remained fixed. “Liz went to bed pretty early.”

A pang of guilt pulled on my heartstrings.

“I had trouble sleeping, though,” he admitted.

Liz, what did you do? You broke his heart.

“Well,” Keith eyed me suspiciously. I felt my eyes starting to pool wet with tears. “Let’s get inside so we can have some lunch,” he started to the door and continued speaking without looking back. “We’ve got lots to discuss.”

Then, for just a fleeting moment, I saw Jimmy’s eyes flicker to me in worry, before he turned inside.

Unfortunately, Keith left us in suspense until we each had a plate of food in front of us and had settled into our seats.

“So,” he cleared his throat. “I’ve spoken to a lawyer,” he looked between me and Jimmy.

I had already known he’d spoken to my mother, so I assumed this was someone new.

“I have given him the information I know, and he has given me his counsel, though if there’s anything I don’t know about the situation, I’d like to hear it now, so we aren’t surprised by anything.”

I felt hot under his intense gaze. I didn’t want to reveal anything about… whatever was going on between me and Jimmy. Could I call it a relationship?

“The fight was over Liz,” Jimmy said strongly.

“Yes, I know. He had put a low dose of MDMA in her soda, and you were acting in protection.” Keith nodded.

“No,” Jimmy looked at his hands. “The first fight. The one I told you was over Izzy.” With his last word, he made intense eye contact over the table to my father. My eyes widened in panic.

Why would he say this now?

I looked to my father in fear, expecting rage. Could we still hide what was between us? What was between us?

Keith only nodded in understanding.

“Thank you, Jimmy.” He turned his attention to me.

Wanting to slide into my seat and disappear, I lowered my eyes to the table in a more dignified alternative.

“Did you know about the fight, Liz?”

His heavy gaze didn’t waver, and I cautioned a glance to Jimmy for help.

None came.

“Er, yes,” I admitted. “I was there.”

Keith nodded, lowering his own eyes for the first time.

“Jimmy said he was protecting me from Drew, but I didn’t believe him,” I continued. “He told me Drew was using me,” I started to cry, remembering all the warning signs I’d been given. “But I didn’t believe him!” Katherine pulled me close to her chest. This had quickly become the third time I would cry into her expensive clothing. I must have cost her a future.

I could see Jimmy’s eyes widen in worry before I closed my eyes tightly, hiding myself from the sight and burying my face further into Katherine’s shoulder.

When I finally calmed my breathing, I explained in better detail Jimmy’s warnings and my disregard. Unfortunately, Keith believed it wouldn’t change our current predicament: would Drew press charges against Jimmy?

If he’d press charges against Jimmy for the first fight, Jimmy would have a defense: Drew had hit back, and since Drew is legally an adult, he would be the one facing the music. Unfortunately, he hadn’t retaliated in the second fight, and my witness statement may not be enough from the first fight, since I had fled the scene and hadn’t witnessed Drew’s blows against Jimmy.

The ball was in his court.

            Where I was concerned, though, MDMA was not considered a “date r**e drug,” and our new lawyer agreed with my mom’s assessment: the worst he could be charged with is “Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor,” which might fall apart before seeing the light of justice.

            “I won’t press charges,” I had decided.

            Jimmy’s head swung in my direction, his mouth hanging open in disbelief.

            “But he could’ve—”

            “But he didn’t,” I filled in the blanks.

            I jumped when Jimmy stood, slamming his hands on the table, his intense stare filled with anger.

            “I don’t care,” he spat through gritted teeth.

            “Jim,” Keith warned. “This is her decision.”

            Jimmy’s wild eyes turned to him.

            To my amazement, Keith didn’t waiver. “I know this must be—”

            “You have no idea,” he said hotly before storming out of the room. His chair had been pushed over in his haste, falling loudly onto the linoleum.

            Once we’d heard a door slam upstairs, Keith finally turned to me.

            “Now, Liz. I appreciate your decision.” He looked at me in thought. “Are you sure?”

            I looked between Keith’s and Katherine’s gaze. I wasn’t sure about my decision, but it seemed like the only chance we had to prevent Drew from retaliating against Jimmy. It wasn’t a solid case to begin with, and there was still no way to be sure he wouldn’t start a case of his own.

            “Um,” I started. “I think so, but I want to talk to Mom first.”

            Nodding silently in agreement, the two of them shared a look I couldn’t quite understand.

            Katherine excused herself from the table to check on Jimmy, lifting his discarded chair back into place on her way.

            As Keith opened his mouth again to speak, the phone rang.

            Not knowing quite what to do with myself, I stayed seated at the table, mulling over my decision as he talked in hushed tones, turning his back to me.

            I turned to face him, though, when I’d seen him turn out of the corner of my eye.

            “Okay,” he spoke louder into the phone, making pointed eye contact now.

            His one-sided conversation piqued my interest when I heard my name:

            “I’ll work with Liz and we’ll be over soon.”

            He hung the phone on its receiver, and I couldn’t wait for an explanation.

            “Who was that?”

            “That,” he pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes; the corners of his mouth pulled into a frown, “was The Miriam Hospital in Providence,” his eyelids fluttered open, revealing a sheen I hadn’t seen before.

            “Your mother is in bad condition,” he continued.

            Before I could even process the information, he’d already picked up the phone again, beginning to dial a number which was posted on the wall beside the phone.

            “Who are you calling now?”

            “The lawyer,” he explained when he’d finished punching in the numbers. I came to stand by his side, eyeing him with bated breath.

            “Yes, hello,” he started. I heard him explain that we would like to leave the state for a family matter. When I heard the lawyer’s muffled responses through the earpiece, I strained to listen.

            “Yes, she’s made her decision,” he eyed me for confirmation. I nodded slowly.

            “Okay, yes,” he held the phone to me. “He needs to hear it in your voice before he can advise we go.”

            Letting the air out of my chest, I closed my eyes and took the phone from him, its cord bouncing from the movement. I imagined it tethering me to the house as I floated through a sea of uncertainty.

            “Hi, this is Liz,” I said quietly.

            A strong voice immediately came through the earpiece, asking to confirm my statement.

            “Yes,” I nodded. “I’ve decided not to pursue this.” A tear escaped my lower lid, falling straight to the floor.

            “And you understand, then, that Andrew can still pursue charges against James for…” I stopped listening. I hadn’t heard him called ‘Andrew’ before. It sounded so soft and innocent, like a completely different person had been accused of Drew’s behavior.

            “Elizabeth?” His voice startled me and I locked eyes with my father, waiting patiently for response.

            “Yes, I understand.”

            “Okay, then.” He asked me to pass the phone back to my father, and I collapsed into the seat Jimmy had thrown to the floor.

            I felt helpless. There was nothing I could do to prevent Drew from hurting Jimmy further.

            There was no telling how much time had passed before my father finally hung the phone on the wall.

            “Liz,” he squatted before me, lifting my chin with his rough fingers.

            “Mm” I managed to reply. A lump had lodged itself in my throat and I didn’t trust my voice not to betray me.

            “Why don’t you go pack some things while I let Kathy know what’s going on.”

            I averted my eyes. I might cry again under his gaze. I could only mouth the word: “Okay.”

            I stood and made my way upstairs, past Jimmy’s closed door, and silently packed my bag. I packed everything away—it all fit into my one suitcase. I left only my lone shoe, which I’d pitched in the pink wastepaper basket that sat beside Emily’s bed.

            Just as I zipped my bag, Keith appeared in the doorway. I saw Katherine behind him and searched for Jimmy, but he was not there.

            “You ready?” Keith moved to take my bag, which I let him.

            I nodded and made my way through the door, not looking back at the emptied room.

            Katherine pulled me close. “I’m staying here with Jimmy,” she explained. “He still can’t leave.”

            I had expected as much.

            I didn’t see him when we went downstairs, his door still shut.

I didn’t see him when we loaded the car. I wondered if my dad had even unpacked since arriving home that day.

            I didn’t see him as we pulled away, Katherine waving from the doorway.

I wondered, then, if I’d ever see him again.

            --xx--

            We arrived in the dark of night, checking into a nearby motel. It was after the hospital’s visiting hours, so we’d planned to visit Mom in the morning.

The unit he’d rented was bigger than any hotel room I’d been in, with a full kitchen and furnished living room. The bedroom I would use had a door separating it from the common areas. Keith told me he would sleep on the pull-out sofa to give me more privacy.

            Settling in, I wondered how much time we were planning to spend in Rhode Island.

            A knock on the open doorframe made me turn, and I found my father leaned against it, his ankles crossed as the doorframe supported his weight.

            “I’ve spoken with the office and let them know I won’t be in for the rest of the week.”

            I was beginning to wonder whether the people around me could hear my thoughts.

            He strode over to the bed and motioned for me to sit beside him, which I did.

            “I can’t tell you how sorry I am,” he started, and I looked to him in question.

            “None of this is your fault,” I pointed out.

            He shook his head. “You’re going through so much, and I have no idea what to do…” he ran a hand through his beard, “or what to say.”

            I shifted uncomfortably.

            Clearing his throat, he looked down to a wrapped gift in his lap. I hadn’t noticed it when he came in, though it was a fairly large box, covering his thighs in its length.

            Before I could venture a guess at its contents, the box was placed in my lap, a small smile dancing on my father’s face.

            “Emily picked this out for you,” he said proudly. “I’m sorry we didn’t get a chance to give it to you sooner.”

            With his eyes watching me, I put my best efforts into pulling the wrapping paper back carefully, though it made unseemly ripping sounds where I failed. As I pulled the paper back, it revealed a plain black box with a lift-off lid, which I carefully placed beside me on the bed in opening. There was more tissue paper inside the box, and I was feeling more and more self-conscious under his gaze. What if I didn’t like whatever was in the box?

            Pulling back the paper, I found a handwritten note atop a pair of shoes. It read:

“Liz, I picked these out for you so we can match, since you lost your shoe in the pond. Happy Birthday! Love, Emily”

            Looking at the shoes, I didn’t remember her having a pair like this: they were hi-top sneakers, an electric yellow color. I had never had a pair of hi-top Converse before but had a few different pairs of lo-tops in different colors at my mom’s house. I had been looking for a pair of yellow Converse for a long time, and hadn’t found any. How did she know?

            “She saw them and said you needed them,” he chuckled, “and then she picked out the same pair in her size.”

            I turned on the bed and awkwardly leaned to hug my father. “They’re perfect,” I said honestly. I quickly jumped to my feet and pulled off my boots, hastening to try on my new shoes. They fit well, with enough room in the toes for me to wiggle them. I only realized I was staring down at my toes when my dad started to laugh from the bed.

            “You two are a lot alike, you know,” he pointed out. “She had the same grin when she tried hers on.”

            Not knowing what to say, I quietly thanked him again for the shoes and gave him a tight hug. I felt him bend his neck to kiss the top of my head.

            “Now get some rest, we want to be up early to see your mother,” he released the hug and turned to leave the room. As he pulled the door shut, though, I called for him.

            “Goodnight, Dad,” I said sheepishly.

            He beamed. “Goodnight, sweetheart.”

            The door shut quietly behind him and I looked again to my feet, smiling.

            --xx--

            I was anxious all morning before we finally made it to the hospital. Dad had bought flowers from the gift shop in the main lobby of the hospital, and we slowly made our way to the oncology department.

            She was awake when we got there, frowning at the news she watched on the small TV which hung on the wall.

            The skin around her eyes was dark and her hospital gown hung loosely around her shoulders, exposing her protruding collarbones. Her hair was covered by some kind of cap, which matched the light blue of her gown.

            When she saw me frozen in the hallway looking in, a smile lit her face and her eyes. She outstretched her arms and I ran into them.

            “Mom,” I choked out.

            “Hi, sweetheart,” she said, her voice huskier than I remembered. “You’re so tan!”

I blushed and looked down at my arms. I hadn’t realized my skin had browned, though it was something I’d always wanted. I had always felt my skin was too pale.

            Dad cleared his throat from the doorway and brought the flowers from behind his back.

            “Hi, Cassie,” he smiled.

            I don’t know what I had been expecting in her response, but her eyes still shone, and she accepted the flowers from his hands.

            “Thank you, Keith.” A thin smile appeared on her lips and I suddenly felt I was intruding.

            They stared at each other for a moment in awkward silence before my mom cleared her throat and started to explain her condition.

            She’d been responding well to treatment, though in the last few days, she started to show symptoms of side effects from her radiation therapy. She pulled the front of her gown a bit to show the flaked and irritated skin on her chest.

            “It wouldn’t be so bad, if it didn’t feel like fire,” she explained sadly.

            “They’re slowing my therapy now so I can build up my healthy cells again,” she explained, “though there’s a chance that the cancer cells will rebuild as well.”

            I cried silent tears for her. I was still angry with her that she’d hidden this from me, but I hated to see her in this much discomfort and pain. Maybe she’d been right to send me away.

            I bitterly thought, though, that I may have been safer at home in Rhode Island, though subjected to her illness.

            After a while, Mom asked me to go downstairs and get myself something from the cafeteria while Dad fished out some money from his wallet. They indicated they needed to discuss some things for a while and Dad would come and get me when they’d finished.

            I hated going alone, though I knew where I wasn’t welcome. I was tempted to wait in the hallway to overhear their conversation, but Dad closed the door behind me, and I quickly realized I would not be able to hear.

            It wasn’t long before he’d come down, and he briefly explained their conversation. He told me they’d like for me to get my EEG test done while we were here. I got the sense that there was more to the story, but I didn’t argue. They’d arranged to have me admitted the following day for a sleep-deprivation EEG, meaning I wouldn’t be able to sleep that night.

            It was hard, but he helped me stay awake while we watched DVD’s on the motel’s flat-screen. We laughed and ate microwaved popcorn, going for short walks in the night air when I started to nod off during a film. I imagined he must have done this with Emily many times before.

            When we finally made it to the hospital after a hearty breakfast, I thought I might collapse from exhaustion, and it didn’t take long for me to drift off once they’d attached the wired cap to my head.

            Mom was allowed to leave her room, apparently, because she was in the room with my dad once I’d finally awoken. Though I’d slept for hours, I still felt exhausted. She looked even thinner out of her bed, sitting in her wheelchair.

            The results would take forty-eight hours, they told me, but I wasn’t needed for observation, this time, and Dad took me back to the motel where I slept some more.

            I expected our trip to be over, once the results came back.

I was wrong.

            Mom had been discharged from the hospital and would continue through outpatient care in another oncology center.

            “Honey,” Dad started from the couch when I’d entered the room.

            “Hey, Dad,” I rubbed the sleep from my eyes. It was Sunday now. We’d been in Rhode Island a total of four days. When would we be going home?

            “Uh, come sit,” he awkwardly patted the seat behind him.

            I pulled the corners of my mouth into a frown, lifting a brow in question. This seemed serious.

            When I sat beside him, he turned to face me, lifting a leg to rest bent on the couch cushion between us.

            “So, I know this hasn’t been the best summer,” he started.

I scoffed.

            Raising his hands in defense, “Alright, alright,” he admitted lightly. “It’s been the worst summer.” Rolling my eyes, I stifled an amused smile as he continued.

            “Your mother says she’s okay for you to come home now, should you choose,” he suggested, “though Kathy and I would love it if you would stay with us,” he finished.

            “Well,” I took a deep breath in through my nose, calculating, “there’s still four whole weeks before school starts. “I think I could manage some more Connecticut vacation before I have to come back.” My suggestion was light, and I expected a smile in response to my agreement. There came none.

            “We were thinking more like until Christmas,” he said slowly, reading my face.

            Christmas?

            “But what about school?” I stood suddenly, not feeling in control of my actions.

            “If you chose to stay with us,” he said carefully, “you could go to school in Connecticut.” His suggestions were wild. “With Jimmy,” he finished.

            My eyes grew wide. “Doesn’t Drew go to that school?”

            “Well, actually,” he averted his gaze and nodded, “we have it on good authority that he’s not going to return to school next year.”

            “What good authority?” My voice was laced with panic now.

            “Hold on, Liz, I never said you had to go. You can stay here, with your mom, if you want.” Somehow his tone didn’t reflect this as an option. I would be going with him to Connecticut.

            “Do you mean that?” My fists were clenched in challenge.

            “Yes,” he held up his hands again. “Though, I do hope you’ll consider it,” he reasoned.

            As I tried to soften my gaze, I closed my eyes and unclenched my fists, letting the frustration and fear out of my lungs.

            I didn’t know what to say.

            “Why don’t we spend a couple more days here, you can go to your mom’s house and pick up a few things. We’ll go back to Connecticut for a few weeks and you can decide then,” he offered.

            “Fine,” I gave up.

            He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose again. “Liz, I really don’t want this to be an issue.”

            “It’s not,” my sarcasm bubbled out of me, feigning acceptance.

            Sighing again, he threw his head back, looking to the ceiling.

            “Okay, then.”

            This was so unfair.

            --xx--

“Hello?” I heard her voice on the other end of the receiver.

“Sam!”

“Lizzy?”

“Oh my gosh, Sam, I’ve missed you so much! This has been the worst summer not having you to talk to.”

“I know! I just got your letters. How did you know how to reach me? I’m at camp--you know what my mom is like, she just let them pile up before she finally forwarded them. What the Hell is going on?? I can’t follow anything!”

It felt like an elephant had been lifted from my chest now that I had someone to talk to. I explained that Mom had told me how to get a hold of her. I explained everything, pausing only to answer questions or to back up when I’d missed something important. Sam listened patiently before weighing in.

“Oh my god,” she started.

“Yeah.”

“Oh my GOD,” she reiterated. “That’s a lot to take in.”

“I know.”

“Is your mom going to be okay?”

I halted. I had no idea how to answer that question. “I don’t know.”

I thought some more.

“Sam, I think I have to go home.”

“Connecticut home or Rhode Island home?”

“I can’t leave her now,” I answered quietly.

“Lizzy,” she started carefully. “There’s nothing you can do for her.” I felt my heart sink. “And you can’t exactly stay home alone if your mom is back in the hospital,” she pointed out.

I let it sink in. I pictured myself walking to the grocery store and stocking the fridge, cooking dinners alone. It would be miserable, and I know it wouldn’t do anyone any good.

“Plus, you can’t just leave Jimmy.” My ears perked at his mention.

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, come on,” she teased. “Your hot cousin got busted for beating up your attacker. Say it with me, Lizzy: knight in shining armor. It’s so romantic! He’s clearly in love with you.”

“Sam, I’ve caused him enough trouble this summer. He’s better off without me.”

“Bull. s**t,” she fully enunciated each letter.

“Sam!” I had never heard her curse before.

I heard her laugh into the phone.

“Liz! You’re not the only one growing up this summer!” I could hear the smile on her face.

“Do tell!”

She explained that she’d found herself a boy, too. He was in her year and they spent every moment of every activity together.

“And… there’s something else,” she teased.

I waited patiently for her to continue.

She spoke softly, but her voice was clear. I imagined her cupping a hand over the microphone: “we had sex.”

The scream I let out was shrill, and it earned a knock on the door from my father.

“Everything alright?” I heard his worry through the door.

“Yeah, Dad. Sorry!”

Turning back to the phone, I let out a quiet “oh my god, Sam, tell me everything.”

She told me about their camping trip which took them canoeing along the Blackstone River and how they’d been tasked to get firewood. They worked quickly and the rest of their group was still busy doing their team-building exercises, so they snuck into the girls’ tent. She said it was awkward, but that he was gentle, and she had never felt more beautiful, even though they were both sticky with sweat and river water.

“Ew, Sam,” I pulled my face into disgust before smiling again. I was really happy for her, but really jealous. Couldn’t I have a carefree summer, too?

She told me then, that she had to go. She told me she was only allowed to take calls at camp for an emergency, which, admittedly this was, initially. It would be lights-out in the cabin soon, though, and her counselor was still waiting for her.

After copying down the camp address on the motel note pad, I finally placed the phone on its base.

Making my way to the open window, I looked up at the full moon, remembering when Jimmy and I had watched it rise over the lake just a month ago. I wondered if he was watching it now.

            --xx—

Dear Emily,

            Thank you so much for the awesome birthday present! Dad said you might need more disposable cameras for camp, so I’m enclosing them in this package. You better send me a photo of you in your new shoes!

            I hope you’re having the best time ever at your riding camp. Have you made any new friends?

            You’ll have to tell me all about it!

            Dad took me to Rhode Island to visit my mom, and we got my EEG test done here. He said I can take a few riding lessons when we get back to Connecticut, since the results didn’t show any “unusual activity.” They say it doesn’t rule out the possibility that I could have epilepsy, but I can tell Dad feels a lot better now.

            Maybe you can show me the ropes, now that you’re going to be an expert!

            I miss you,

            Your sister,

            Liz

            xoxo