Selfish

Chapter Fourteen - Anniversary

Ch 14 - Jimmy

            Keith and Liz disappeared down the driveway without a word. I learned from Aunt Kathy that Liz’s mom was hospitalized, and they’d be visiting her in Rhode Island. I hoped she’d be coming back, but after two days with no updates, I went snooping in Emily’s room.

Everything was gone. The cot had even been folded neatly and pushed into the corner. Would she be coming back?

I couldn’t stop thinking about the way we’d kissed in the gazebo, and how quickly she’d run away from me. What did I do wrong? Would she never want to be with me?

After just a few days of this, I realized I hadn’t spent this much time alone with Aunt Kathy in my entire life. Although she was still going to work during the week, mornings and evenings were uncomfortable in our isolation.

The most we spoke up to this point was on the second day without Liz, when I had overheard her on the phone with the lawyer. She’d caught me standing in the doorway when she’d hung up the phone and explained that Drew had officially dropped out of high school to earn his GED instead. I hadn’t even thought about what it would mean to return to school with him, especially since the alternative could be me going to jail.

It eased my tension, although it still begged the question: was he planning to pursue charges against me?

The lawyer seemed to think that if Drew was going to press charges, he would have done it by now, but it wasn’t a good enough speculation to reassure me that he wouldn’t. I couldn’t expect him to be rational anymore.

Since that conversation with Aunt Kathy, it had been mostly uncomfortable silence between us.

As we sat to have our dinner, though, she broke it.

“How would you feel if Liz came to stay with us a little longer?”

“What?” I looked up from my food.

            “She hasn’t made a decision yet,” she continued, “but her mom’s condition is concerning.” Her choice of words was calculated—carefully constructed.

            “Well,” I put down my cutlery in thought. I was hopeful that she might come back for the rest of the summer, but also feared the idea. Maybe it was better if we kept our distance. “What, do you mean, like, whether she’s coming back for the rest of the summer?”

            “No, that much has been determined.”

            I pulled down my eyebrows in disgust. I hated the way she said it: determined. Like Liz really had no choice in the matter.

            “Then what do you mean?”

            “Well, Keith and I have proposed that she could stay with us until Christmas,” she flashed her eyes to me, waiting for a response. “Cassie has agreed.”

            I clenched my jaw, literally biting my tongue to keep from saying something stupid. Suddenly I wasn’t hungry. I couldn’t look at her.

            Standing and taking my plate to the kitchen, I pushed its contents into the garbage can, answering as evenly as I could manage.

            “I think it’s up to her.”

            I gently placed my dishes in the sink and turned to her, stuffing my hands in my pockets and leaning back against the counter. I didn’t want her to know I was being affected by the conversation.

            When I lifted my eyes to her, she was twisted in her seat to face me, her lips pressed into a straight line, her eyebrows furrowed in thought.

            “Well, maybe you might try to convince her.”

            I flinched at her words. It was not a suggestion: it was an order.

            “Are you serious?” I stood from my leaning position, my hands clenching into fists in my pockets.

            Shifting in her seat, I could see I’d made her uncomfortable, but as she straightened her back and resolved her expression, I could see there was no changing her mind.

            “I’ll arrange for riding lessons,” I could see her calculating in her head. “You both will stay out of trouble at the farm.”

            “I’m not going.” I hadn’t been riding in years. It was something I would do with my dad, when he was still healthy. We’d stopped going long before his death. I wondered then if that’s when he had received his diagnosis.

            “You are,” she pushed, standing and approaching me slowly. Although I was taller than her and standing at full height, she pushed her chin up to me, her eyes determined.

            “What about her EEG?” I tried to reason with her. “It’s unsafe for her.”

            “That’s what you’ll be there for,” she urged. “And she already got the results back,” she closed her eyes tightly and waved a hand as if pushing my argument from the air. “She’s fine.”

            Relief washed over me, even in the face of this new injustice. She’s okay.

            Pulling myself back to the matter at hand, a new desperation washed over me as I realized again what she was asking of me.

            “I can’t go back.” This time, I was pleading.

            “Jimmy,” a softer tone escaped her lips, although laced with annoyance. “He’s gone,” Dad, “at some point, we have to move on with our lives.” I don’t want to. “Come here,” she outstretched her arms.

            When I eyed her suspiciously, she grabbed my upper arms and pulled me into her strongly. I reluctantly buried my face in her shoulder and wrapped my arms around her waist. I couldn’t stop the silent tears now.

            “I know it’s hard,” her voice was deeper and husky, her chest vibrating against mine as she spoke. “You’ve been so strong through everything.”

            I squeezed her tighter in response, my own chest vibrating with my stifled gasps.

            “I’m so proud of you,” she gently pushed me out of our hug by my shoulders, keeping me at arm’s length. I watched her looking at me with tears building in her eyes now.

            “You’ve been so good with Emily and Liz,” she said. I raised my eyebrows in question. I’d gotten into two fights around Liz and subjected her to all kinds of corruption. I’d been arrested.

            As if reading my expression, Aunt Kathy let out a stifled laugh, wiping beneath her eyes delicately with both ring fingers.

            “Yeah, you’ve gotten into some trouble,” she admitted, “but you were right to do what you did.”

            Her affirmations hit me like a train, and suddenly I was crying again, hiding my wet face in my hands.

            “Why don’t you go for a walk,” she suggested, walking to my side and placing a hand high on my back. “You’ll feel better.”

            Nodding, I made my way outside, lighting a cigarette as I walked to the street. I knew she was watching me from the window, but I doubted I would be in trouble for lighting up. She knew.

            The air was still, and the sun was setting. I made my way to the lake without thinking. I sat for a long time, staring at the darkening water.

            I looked up to the full moon and wished not to be alone tonight. I mulled over the words my aunt had spoken: Liz would be staying ‘til Christmas.

            What would that be like? I hadn’t really spoken to her since we’d kissed in the gazebo. We hadn’t had a chance to clear the air from when we’d accidentally seen each other naked. I blushed as I reminisced the events.

            Looking around me at the dark surrounding trees, I was reminded I was alone.

            Would she be going to my school? Would I hold her hand in the hallway? Would she even want to see me?

            What did it mean for her? Was her mother dying?

            Would she be forced, like me, to live with Keith and Aunt Kathy, with no one else to turn to?

            I lit another cigarette and stood, picking up a smooth stone from the lake front and winding back to watch it skip across the surface.

            1…2…3…4…5.

            I could do better than that.

            Holding my cigarette in my mouth, I found another. Making sure to flick my wrist, I tried again.

            1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…

            I couldn’t see it now.

            Even with the bright moon overhead, it was too dark for my eyes to follow.

            Resigned, I snuffed out my cigarette and walked back through the trees to go home.

            I had no idea what time of night it was now, but I heard a car coming up from behind me. I moved to the side of the road to let it pass, but the car slowed as it approached.

            I kept walking, my eyes straight ahead, the hair on the back of my neck standing as my skin crawled.

            I glanced quickly to my side as the car pulled up beside me.

            Drew.

            I pushed my eyes forward, determined not to get involved. He rode alongside me, rolling his passenger window down so I could hear.

            “How’s your girl, Shea?”

            I kept my eyes forward. I wouldn’t give in to his taunting. Maybe if I ignored him long enough, he would drive away.

            “Were you two in ecstasy when you took her inside?”

            I kept walking, my hands in fists, deep in my pockets.

            “Did she touch you?” He deepened his voice. “Did she f**k you?” I could hear the smirk on his face.

            Shaking in my anger, I pulled another cigarette from my pack--the last one.

            “You should be thanking me, Shea. That prude would never have touched you without my help.”

            I slammed both hands heavily on the rim of his car door, fire in my eyes. He’d gone too far.

            In surprise, he slammed on the breaks, a slow smile pulling at the corner of his lips. I’d let him get to me.

            “You dropped your cigarette,” he teased. My glare didn’t waver.

            From the dim overhead light in his car, I saw the damage from what I’d done. It had been a week since the incident. He still wore a piece of tape over the bridge of his nose, which I knew had broken. His left eye was still swollen, nearly shut by the bruise I’d given him.

            I should have felt remorse, but I didn’t.

            He deserved every f*****g blow.

            Pushing myself off from his car, I turned and continued walking, pushing my fists back into my pockets.

            “Don’t worry, Shea,” he continued. “I forgive you.” I began to shake again. He forgives me?

            “When I don’t press charges, she’ll come thank me personally.” I faltered my step but continued. I could see her doing it--she was too forgiving. He could trick her again. “When she does, I’ll explain I gave her the wrong drink—she’ll understand.”

            I bit my tongue, tasting the sour copper of the blood I’d drawn.

            “Here,” he tossed an unopened pack of cigarettes out the window, which landed face up at my feet. “Take ‘em. A small token of my appreciation. None of this would have happened if you hadn’t taken her to my party.”

            I didn’t lift my head from the pack of cigarettes. His car had sped away long before I moved from where I stood. The anger that had filled me then was something I couldn’t bear. I took the pack roughly in my hand. It was the brand I smoked, not Drew’s. He had planned this.

            Pulling my arm back, I lobbed the small cardboard box overhead, still wrapped in its cellophane, letting out a loud frustrated grunt as it left my fingers. I would not let him get to me. I couldn’t.

            --xx—

            I’d hoped that after Aunt Kathy’s show of affection, she would drop the riding lessons issue. I was wrong. Another agonizing week had passed, and it was Sunday, yet again, the tension between us growing with each encounter. She was insistent that it would help me move forward and convince Liz that it wasn’t so bad to live here—convince her to stay.

            I couldn’t understand why her mom would agree for her to stay with us, and Aunt Kathy was giving me no answers. My frustration was building—I’d started compulsively shaking my leg when I hadn’t had a cigarette for longer than twenty minutes, so I’d been chain-smoking. I’d doubled my intake: I’d smoked four packs in the six days since my encounter with Drew, including the one I’d climbed through the trees to find where I’d thrown it.

            I didn’t tell Aunt Kathy he’d approached me; I was afraid I’d never be allowed out of the house again.

            I had no one to turn to, so I’d withdrawn into myself.

            I thought mostly of my dad: the anniversary of his death would be the following day, the first day Aunt Kathy wanted us to go riding. 

            Liz would be arriving soon, but I couldn’t bring myself to shower or clean myself up before she got here.

            Instead, I sat on the front stoop, incessantly tapping my leg and lighting another cigarette. Why hide now?

            Aunt Kathy had reamed me out about smoking near the house, so I’d usually make my way to the creek or the street. Today, though, I didn’t care.

            When she’d swung the door open behind me, I expected more beratement, but she just frowned.

            “When you’re finished, take a shower,” she ordered. I looked over my shoulder to acknowledge her request. “You stink,” she added as she disappeared and slammed the door again.

Was that really necessary?

I obliged her demand. I stomped up the stairs a little heavier than usual to make sure she heard me. I nearly rolled my eyes at my own behavior.

Running the water hot, I stripped and examined myself in the mirror:

I looked like s**t.

My hair was getting long, the grease from a few days of not washing was holding it up at odd angles. I pulled at the dark circles under my eyes and lifted my chin to examine the stubble which had creeped down my neck.

Before I got under the water, I scrubbed the grime from beneath my fingernails, clipping the nails on my fingers and toes into the toilet. I shaved the hair from my cheeks and neck, leaving the goatee I had sported earlier that summer. There wasn’t much I could do about my hair until I went to the barber.

Deciding to wash my face in the shower, then, I rinsed the hair from the sink basin and flushed the toilet. As I stepped under the water, I realized my mistake.

Either I’d taken too long to get under the water, or by flushing, I’d sabotaged myself: the water was ice cold, and I jumped to keep myself from its stream.

I heard voices from outside the room and knew Liz and Keith had arrived home. I couldn’t stop the process now.

I showered quickly, getting under the icy water as little as I could. Now that I knew Liz was home, I wanted to be out as soon as possible. Shivering in the corner of the tub, I finished by brushing my teeth as the water still ran.

I emerged from the bathroom holding my towel around my waist—I hadn’t brought in a change of clothes. Keith saw me from the end of the hallway and waved as I slipped into my bedroom to quickly throw on the first clean clothes I could find.

My heart was racing. I wanted a cigarette.

Keith called through the door, “Jim, Liz. Come on down for dinner when you’re done. We ordered pizza!”

Clothed and dry, I slipped out of my room and took the stairs two at a time to the kitchen.

“Gee, someone’s hungry,” Keith chuckled as I sat at the table. He clapped a heavy hand on my back, “how ya doin’, Jim?” 

“Uh, good,” I answered absently. My blood felt electric like I’d had too much caffeine, but I didn’t say as much.

“Good,” he agreed, pulling out a chair to sit beside me.

“How was your trip?” I didn’t know what else to say. I knew it wasn’t a pleasure trip—he’d have seen his ex-wife.

“Uh, you know,” he looked over my shoulder, “it was good.”

I turned to see Liz coming down the stairs. Her hair was tangled in a messy ponytail, her eyes met mine a few times as she darted them around the room. My eyes rested on the locket which laid on her chest.

As she slipped into her usual seat, she gave me a quick “Hi, Jimmy,” before turning to her father.

He said nothing, but looked between the two of us as we waited for Aunt Kathy to join us. My mouth started to water when the smell of melted cheese hit my nose from the cardboard boxes on the kitchen counter—I hadn’t eaten breakfast or lunch.

When Aunt Kathy finally made her appearance, she handed us each a paper plate with two slices, and I didn’t wait to start gorging myself. The conversation was polite, congratulating Liz on her clean bill of health, asking how her mother was holding up. She answered the questions in stride until Aunt Kathy got down to the point.

“So, Liz, I know you haven’t made a decision about staying yet, but I thought you and James could start riding lessons tomorrow while you’re here for the summer.” I took another bite of my pizza and looked to Liz to read her response.

“Are you kidding?”

Aunt Kathy mistook her disbelief for excitement: “No!” Her smile stretched wide on her face. “I know how much you wanted to try it, and now that you had your EEG, your father and I think it’s a great idea!”

Keith placed a hand on Aunt Kathy’s and smiled to Liz. I felt that I was the only one anticipating what came next.

“I’m not going.” She stood in defiance.

Aunt Kathy’s face fell, but Keith’s hand remained in its place, rubbing circles with his thumb against the back of her hand.

“What do you mean? You said you wanted to.” I almost felt bad watching Aunt Kathy’s plans fall apart. Almost.

“Liz,” Keith spoke this time, carefully. “You’re going. I bet you’ll even have a good time, if you let yourself.”

“What, so first I can’t go riding and now I have to?” Her hands were balled into tight fists at her side. She flashed her eyes to me.

“And how do you feel about this? Are you in on it, too?”

She’d caught me with my mouth full. I couldn’t defend myself even if I could come up with a response fast enough.

She groaned loudly and stomped toward the door. I stood, and she pushed me hard with her shoulder as she passed, knocking the half-eaten slice from my hand.

I looked to the others in shock, their expressions mirroring mine when we suddenly heard a door slam upstairs.

This couldn’t be good.

            --xx—

            After a fitful sleep, the day had come that marked one year since my father’s death. We lit no fireworks, and he wasn’t mentioned at breakfast. Liz had come down to eat but had said nothing to any of us. When the adults had left, she turned to me. Alone, at last.

            “I’m not going,” she declared seriously.

            “Okay,” I agreed.

            It was her turn to wear shock. “‘Okay?’ You’re not going to fight me on this?”

            I shrugged. “I don’t want to go either.”

            She relaxed her weight in the chair. I guessed she was expecting to defend herself.

            I took our emptied dishes to the sink and sat again, hoping she’d start a conversation.

            “She says she’s okay,” she started, “but I can tell she’s scared.” I watched her as she fixed her eyes on the table.

            “I’m scared, too,” she admitted quietly.

            “I know.”

            She looked up to meet my gaze, shifting uncomfortably as a blush met her cheeks.

            “I don’t want to stay here,” she explained. “I want her to get better.”

            We sat quietly for a moment, staring into each other’s sad eyes.

            “I missed you,” my voice came out in a whisper.

            She reached slowly to touch her locket, pulling her hand back to her lap at the last second.

            “I’m going to my room,” she stood. “Er, Emily’s room,” she corrected. I didn’t follow her.

            I didn’t want to say anything stupid. I’d pushed her far enough away already. Making my way outside, I sat on the stoop, lit a cigarette, and fit it neatly between my lips. I looked up to the blue sky and closed my eyes, leaving my head back as I drew the cigarette from my mouth and pushed the cloud of smoke into the air. I took a deep breath in through my nose: It’s a beautiful day; out through my mouth: Why can’t I enjoy it?

            I heard the door click from behind me and I turned quickly to see Liz come stand beside me.

            “I’m sorry,” she said quietly, looking ahead to the manicured lawn. Her arms were crossed as if to bear the cold, though it was a hot August day. “I’m just so angry all the time,” she admitted.

            She asked for a cigarette. When I offered her one, though, she frowned.

            “Nevermind,” she said quickly, scrambling to sit beside me. I adjusted my seat to give her room. I didn’t want to be too close.

            “I saw Drew the other night,” I broke the silence. I could feel her scowl beside me.

            “What happened?” Her voice was laced with interest and worry; she faced me to listen.

            “Nothing happened,” I shrugged. “He tried to get under my skin.”

            “Well did he?” I turned to face her. Her eyebrows were raised high on her forehead, her eyes wide in worry.

            I laughed. “Yeah, I mean, he did.” I nodded.

            Her features softened as a smile creeped onto her face.

            The air grew still again as I took another drag.

            “He said he’ll drop the charges,” I explained.

            “Well, that’s great!”

            I frowned.

            “Why is that not great?”

            Sighing and pushing my hair back from my face, I figured I’d have to warn her in case he approached her.

            “He said you’d thank him personally,” I explained, using his rotten words, “and that he’d tell you he gave you the wrong drink—that it was all a mistake.”

            I saw her face twist into anger and confusion.

            “I saw him do it, Lizard. It was intentional.”

            “What an arrogant douchebag.”

            The smile grew again on my face.

            “What? He is!” She threw her hands in the air as if making a point.

            “I know!” I laughed, “you’re right!”

            Her smile grew again, too, a blush rising through her neck and cheeks.

            I suddenly couldn’t help but think of all the things we hadn’t yet spoken about: the way she’d walked in on me and dropped her towel; the way she’d left me in the gazebo; all the time she’d been gone in Rhode Island.

            “Why did you leave me?” It wasn’t something I wanted to ask out loud—not yet. It came tumbling out of my mouth before I could even process the question myself.

            Now that it was out in the open, there was no taking it back. I was hunched in my seat, my elbows resting on my thighs and my hands relaxed toward the ground. I turned my head to face her, waiting for an answer.

            She had sucked the side of her lower lip into her mouth, raising her eyebrows. She was facing me, but her eyes were cast down.

            “Why did you leave me in the gazebo when we…” I turned and looked down at my hands, which had found themselves clasped, rubbing each other in anticipation. “When we kissed,” I finally finished.

            “I don’t know,” came her reply. Her voice was small and unsure.

             To make her smile, I blamed myself: “Is it because you saw me naked?” I sat up straight and pushed a finger against my chest, “’Cause I can work out!”

            Her face grew redder and she looked away from me, hugging her chest tightly.

            “I’m sorry, Liz, I just wanted to lighten the mood.”

            Silence.

            “I didn’t mean to upset you,” I reiterated, reaching a hand for her back.

            She recoiled from my touch and I felt a new sting of rejection.

            “I can’t,” she said quietly.

            “Can’t what?” I wanted to sound tender. I wanted her to know I would respect her boundaries.

            She threw her hands in the air again. “You make me feel so—” She cut herself off, bringing her hands into tight fists as she seemed to look for the right words. “Confused.”

            She was confused?

            She turned to me, beet red. “Why didn’t you ask me out?”

            I stammered stupidly in response. “When?”

            “When you kissed me.”

            “I didn’t exactly have time when you stormed away from me,” I pointed out.

            “No,” she shook her head. “The first time. At the lake.”

            I should have.

            “You were with Drew.”

            “That’s not the reason,” she concluded.

            “Well,” I rubbed the back of my neck. “You were fifteen, and it didn’t make sense to start something if you were just going to leave at the end of the summer.”

            “And now? You want to start something now?”

            Oh. I got the point she was driving at. I missed my chance. I’d have even less time with her. Was it fair to her? To start a relationship, just to know it would end in a few weeks? I knew she wasn’t going to stay. There was no way she’d agree. I didn’t blame her.

            “Don’t follow me,” she stood angrily, slamming the door behind her as she went inside.

            You really blew it this time, Jimmy.

            Pulling out another cigarette, I lit the tip and decided my fate: you’re gonna die alone. Just like your dad.

            --xx—

I didn’t care when Aunt Kathy came home and reamed me out for not going riding. I didn’t care when Liz screamed to her dad that he was ruining her life. I didn’t care when Keith told me to take a walk when I spoke back.

            Liz disappeared sometime after noon—I’d found her room empty when I eventually went upstairs, the door ajar and clothes strewn everywhere.

            I panicked. My immediate thought was that she’d gone to Drew. I stupidly drove to his house. Horrible images infiltrated my mind, her unconscious body under his terrible form.

            There were no cars parked at his house, and I had to shake my anger as I continued to drive.

I didn’t have to go far. I ran through the trees as the branches smacked and snapped on my skin. My feet fell heavily with each step, dirt and fallen leaves kicking up at my heels as I went.

I froze in place when I saw her, but it was useless—she’d heard me coming. She stood at the water’s edge; the strap of Emily’s backpack dragged in the water as she held it down at her side. Her bright yellow shoes were now brown and wet with mud. She twisted her core to see me from over her shoulder, her face red and wet with her crying.

I pushed the breath from my lungs and took a tentative step forward, a twig snapping beneath my feet.

That was all it took, and she dropped the bag in the water, swiftly crashing her body into mine. Her arms had wrapped around my waist, her tears had stained my shirt.

I didn’t ask why she cried. I simply took her in my arms, enjoying our embrace.

Neither of us wanted to be alone then.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the way her hair had smelled when I bent to kiss her forehead.

She hadn’t pulled away.

Because I’d taken the car, we made it home in time to wash the bag she’d packed and all its contents before Keith and Aunt Kathy arrived home. Her shoes were the last to go in the wash, we listened as they loudly tumbled and banged in the dryer, an eye on the clock, knowing they’d be home soon.

When they came through the door, we’d both bent to tie her laces: she tied the left and I tied the right, shooting upright to stand at attention when they’d rounded the corner.

I couldn’t believe our luck. She’d let me hold her. She let me take her home. We’d talked about why she’d wanted to run away. She admitted that she didn’t, really, but that she was scared. She feared living this life.

I told her, “so am I.” We cried together. We took Aunt Kathy’s beratements together. We had agreed that neither of us was going to endure this alone.

I couldn’t sleep in my excitement. In that moment, I knew: I wanted to spend every waking moment with that girl.