Selfish

Chapter Sixteen - Sold

Ch 16

When I came down for breakfast, Keith handed me a small envelope—my first piece of mail!      

I excitedly ripped the paper open, earning a small cut on my index finger, which I held in my mouth as I read:

Dear Liz,

            I’m having the greatest time at camp! I’m really glad you like the shoes—I wear mine everyday (unless I’m riding).

            There’s no boys at this camp, but in the picture is my new friend Ana.

Pulling the glossy picture from behind her letter, I saw the faces of two smiling girls: Emily, sporting her yellow hi-top converse and a large bruise on her knee, and a girl a bit taller than Emily with her arm hung over her shoulder. They stood beneath a tree in the shade, but a few horses could be made out in the distance in the sun. I read on:

            Her sister took the picture. She’s younger than us, so she’s not in our cabin, but we ride together a lot.

            I’m going home on August 15th. Will you still be there when I get back?

            Have you tried riding yet now that you know you’re not epileptic? Maybe when I come back we can ride together.

            Write back soon!

                                                Em.

            I put the letter and the photo down on the table, pulling some paper and a pen from beside the phone. Scrawling a response, I heard someone bounding down the stairs—probably Jimmy.

            Keith was already setting the table, but Katherine hadn’t come downstairs yet.

            As I nearly finished my response, I turned to find they both had already seated themselves.

            “Dad, am I still going to be here on August 15th?” School wouldn’t start in Rhode Island until the 23rd, a Monday. Maybe I could go home that weekend and still have four or five days with Emily when she got back.

            “Uh, why don’t you sit down, and we can talk it over,” he suggested.

            Absentmindedly, I took my place, re-reading the letter I’d drafted. I was planning to go riding later in the day, so maybe I would hold off on sending the response until I had that under my belt.

            Keith cleared his throat, resting his wrists on the edge of the table as I looked to meet his shifting gaze.

            “Your mother and I have been talking,” he started.

            Uh-oh, that’s never good.

            “And well,” he continued, looking to Katherine who had placed a hand over his. “I know you noticed we’ve been renovating.”

            “We were planning to have you stay here,” he motioned a hand in the direction of Emily’s room upstairs.

            “But?” I was really hoping there was a “but.”

            “But your mother thinks it’s a better idea for you to stay with her,” he said slowly.

            “Okay,” I agreed equally slowly. “So, when am I going home?”

            “Well,” he exchanged a look with Katherine. I noticed Jimmy was still hunched over his breakfast, though he had stopped eating and was peering from under his eyelashes. “You’re not going home, per say.”

            Am I missing something?

            “Am I missing something?”

            Katherine spoke next, directed to Keith in a hushed tone, “You might as well just tell her.”

            I started to panic.

            “Is she okay? Did something happen?” I stood from my seat, knocking over a glass of water in the process.

            “No, she’s fine,” came the reassurances. “She’s fine, why don’t you sit down.” It was not a question.

            Sitting carefully, I watched the water on the table trickling and pooling together, inching closer to the edge of the table.

            “Cassie’s fine,” he reiterated.

            I nodded, though my heart was still jumping out of my chest.

            He sighed and ran a hand through his hair as my leg started to bounce.

            “Uh, we’ve bought the house for you.”

            “Huh?”

            Jimmy dropped his utensil into his food, a loud clang disrupting the air.

            “You and your mother are moving into Michael’s house. The sale went through!”

            I flashed my eyes to Jimmy, unable to meet my father’s beaming smile. While it was clear how Dad and Katherine felt about the idea, Jimmy had gone silent, his face showing no expression whatsoever.

            “Um, but why?” I turned back to address Keith. None of this made sense. “What’s wrong with our house in Rhode Island?”

            “Uh, nothing,” he looked to Katherine for guidance.

            She obliged, “Your mother agrees that it’s better for you to be close to family,” she explained unhelpfully.

            “She’s not going to die,” I stated.

            An uncomfortable silence threatened, but Keith interjected before it could set in.

            “Of course, we believe she will recover,” he reached his free hand to cover Katherine’s which was already holding the other. “But we also believe it’s best to prepare for the worst-case scenario.”

            I looked to Jimmy, hoping he would speak up. This was his house we were talking about. Surely, he would have some objection.

            He stared out the glass door to the patio. It seemed he was unfocused—phased.

            “What about my school? My friends?” This argument was feeling very familiar. I did not want to move. Although I’d considered it before, I wasn’t ready.

            I felt a splash of water on my thigh as the water started to spill off the table.

            I stood to let it fall to the ground.

            “Mom already has a house,” I pointed out, my voice was growing in volume, but it was shakier as my throat began to dry.

            “Yes, well,” Keith shifted in his seat, “maybe you should talk to your mother about this.”

            Katherine offered for me to use the upstairs phone for some privacy. I’d never been in their room before (since I came back this summer), but I rushed upstairs to hide the tears that had started to accumulate.

            Punching in her number, I waited for an answer, and it didn’t come. I didn’t leave a message for fear of my voice giving out.

            Breathing deeply, I walked to the bathroom and splashed my face with cold water. It helped.

            I could imagine what she would tell me: this is a temporary arrangement, let’s just appease your father and give it a try, we can go back to Rhode Island if it doesn’t work out.

            My heart rate calmed until I considered another piece: I had finished the summer reading for my school. Would it cross over?

            Deciding to give this a chance, I dried my face and made my way downstairs.

            The three of them were still in the kitchen, although the table was cleared, and the water had been cleaned from the table and the floor.

            “She didn’t pick up,” I muttered, pointedly addressing Keith. “Do you have a reading list for the school here?”

            Presumably taking my response as an acceptance, he beamed, and pulled me into a hug. As he pulled away, he reached to a paper I hadn’t noticed on the counter.

            You already enrolled me?

            Stifling my anger, I looked over the list. Two of the five books I’d read for my own school already, but the assignments didn’t align. I had a lot of work ahead of me.

            When I got down to my class list, I saw another problem.

            “I take German,” I pointed to the Spanish class listed on my itinerary.

            “They don’t offer German,” Jimmy finally muttered. He was still sitting at the table, staring out the door. Is he okay?

            “Uh, the class list can be changed,” Keith offered. “This was more-or-less the starter package.”

            I nodded, wondering what it would be like to start in a new school. At least Drew wouldn’t be there.

            I asked if Dad could pick up the books I didn’t have from the bookstore while Jimmy and I went to the stables, which earned another exchanged look between the adults.

            “Why don’t we do the stables another day,” Katherine suggested. What? You’re the one who insisted we take riding lessons.

            I was getting whiplash from this woman’s indecision.

            “We thought it might be nice to give you a tour of your new home,” she smiled gently.

            Jimmy looked up from his seat.

            “Uh, okay,” I reluctantly agreed.

            --xx—

Though we could have easily gotten to the house by walking through the trees and over the creek which lined the properties, the four of us made our way by foot down the main road. We turned away from the open field and walked down a small walking path. Instead of being connected to the road, we were put out by another large field, with tall grasses which met the walking path. As we pushed forward, I saw the path narrow as it cut through the grasses, leaving only enough room for us to walk single file. I flicked my eyes to Keith and Katherine ahead when I felt the warmth of Jimmy’s hand take mine. They continued forward and did not look back to discover us.

We continued; butterflies hung in the air, passing in front of us.

Where are they taking us?

I tripped forward onto my knees, pulling Jimmy toward me as I fell. He was able to catch his balance, but I’d let out a small yell when I’d fallen, so Keith and Katherine had turned back from ahead and were approaching.

“Everyone alright?” Keith’s voice called through the still air. I quickly let go of Jimmy’s hand and pushed myself into a sitting position, facing back the way we’d came.

I watched Jimmy’s eyes sparkle as he smiled widely and pulled me to my feet.

“Clutz,” he breathed.

Keith and Katherine came into view as Jimmy helped me stand. My cheeks burned hot as I brushed the dirt and pebbles from my knees.

“I’m okay,” I reassured them, looking to find the culprit of my clumsiness. I saw a large rock protruding from the ground—that must have been it.

Pushing forward, we came through to a creek, doubling back around to make our way back toward the house. The creek moved away from the path, which turned into a road, and we passed houses and large trees on either side.

Finally, I saw the Auction sign, which now had a red ‘SOLD’ sticker haphazardly slapped across it.

“Here we are,” Keith continued, walking up the short drive to the door. He and Katherine stood on the porch, fiddling with a large set of keys. I found Jimmy’s hand again, squeezing it tightly before breaking contact once more and walking together toward the house.

The property was much smaller than Keith’s, though the house may have been the same size. The front entrance showed the bones of an enclosed porch, though there was no screen or glass to enclose it. The white paint on the porch and ceiling was peeling in places, and the wood creaked beneath our feet as we stepped into the main house.

We walked slowly through the house as Keith and Katherine explained different features. The enclosed porch was Michael’s latest project, and it was never finished. Jimmy remained quiet when Keith added, “we were about to put on the sealant coat, but now we’ll have to sand and start fresh with the paint.”

The hardwood floor made way to carpeting when we reached the living room.

“We can get some lighter colors in here and change the carpet—get some more life in here,” Katherine suggested. I circled slowly, taking in the deep green walls and the coffee-colored carpet. The room admittedly was darker than any room I’d seen at their house, but the light of day shone through the bare window, hitting the interior wall which was painted a lighter shade of green. I thought it would be a crime to whitewash this room.

We made our way through the hardwood foyer to a larger room, painted a deep blue with large windows lining the exterior wall.

            Keith explained that this was the dining room, and that a bench had been pushed against the outside wall, with all kinds of cacti and houseplants lining the window. I could imagine the light of the sun ricocheting off their leaves and dancing against the wall and the ceiling.

            The kitchen was small, and the dishwasher needed to be replaced, but the stove and refrigerator didn’t seem too outdated. The walls were another shade of green, more of a dusty seafoam color than the hunter green I’d seen in the living room. The colors of the house made it come alive.

Through the window which hung over the kitchen sink, I could see the trees which lined the property and led to Keith and Katherine’s house. They were full, and I could not see through them, though I knew what lay beyond them.

            After seeing another living room (painted a burnt orange) and a half bathroom (painted sky blue), we made our way up the carpeted stairs.

            The walls lining the stairwell were a reddish brown, and though the house was dusty with neglect, the warm colors throughout the house were easily complimented by the natural light streaming in the windows.

            The bathroom upstairs was much larger, with a double sink and both a clawfoot tub and a standing shower. I imagined sinking into the warm tub with bubbles and a book, the aroma of essential oils and soaps rising from the water. There was a ledge beside the tub on the wall which I imagined could hold scented candles and incense.

            I could imagine myself living there.

            I stiffened and reminded myself: this is not your home.

            I didn’t want to like it. I didn’t want to picture myself living in this house, but it had happened naturally. We’d seen the master bedroom, which was painted a light purple and had an adjoining half-bathroom. We’d seen the “office,” as Keith had explained it: the only room painted white in the whole house so far. Finally, we were stepping into my bedroom.

            Jimmy and I both froze.

            The room was painted red—the exact shade of his bedroom now. I had nearly forgotten that he had lived here just a year ago. He had lived and grown up in these four walls.

            I suddenly felt bile rising in my throat.

I couldn’t live here.

I couldn’t do this to him.

This was his house.

I had no right.

I ran down the stairs and through the front door, which slammed loudly behind me. I ran until my shins started to complain against the earth and I continued running. I ran past the fields and past the lake. I continued to run in a straight path. I ran until there was no more road—I’d reached a dead end.

This was all too familiar.

This is not my home.

            --xx—

                No one came after me. I sat and cried for a while before realizing I couldn’t stay there forever. I stood and started to walk back from where I’d come.

            The sun was still high in the sky, though it must have been afternoon. The loud buzz of cicadas came from all sides, tall walls of trees lined the road, and I could see through their trunks that the wooded area went quite deep. I hadn’t been this far down the road and wondered if I was in a state forest.

The air was warm, though I held my arms crossed close to my chest. Jolts of pain rang through my feet as they hit the ground, my toes sticking together as they’d swollen.

Why do you keep doing this to yourself, Liz?

            This is what you get for being overdramatic. Why are you even upset? There’s nothing you can do about it.

            Each step was more labored than the last. I had only past the lake entrance by the time a car pulled up beside me.

            It parked quickly and Jimmy came out to meet me, gripping my shoulders tightly.

            “Where have you been?” His eyes were wide and frantic, his hands shook my weak frame in his panic.

            Stupid! Of course he was worried about you!

            “I’m sorry,” I whispered. His intensity was scaring me.

            “Don’t scare me like that!”

            “I’m sorry!” Tears started to fall from my eyes, and his expression quickly softened. He loosened his grip and brushed a tear from my cheek with his thumb, lifting my chin in his hand.

            “Why are you crying?” His voice was much calmer, deeper.

            “I don’t know,” I admitted.

            “Come on.” He led me to the passenger seat of his car, going as far as to lean over my seat to buckle my seat belt for me. He smelled amazing.

            “You smell amazing,” I said stupidly.

            He looked at me in surprise, his mouth hanging open slightly, so close to mine I could feel his breath on my lips.

He stood suddenly, bumping his head on the roof of the car. I tried to stifle my laughter as he rubbed his head and frowned.

“Thanks,” he cleared his throat, making his way to the driver’s seat.

As he started to drive, my heart began to race again.

“I don’t want to go back yet.”

He slowed the car but continued to drive. “We have to at least let them know you’re okay, then we can leave.”

I bit my lip but nodded. He was right, after all. I couldn’t just go missing. Not with everyone on high alert over Drew.

Keith was pacing tightly on the porch when we pulled into the driveway, Katherine was still beside him. She had one arm across her chest; she was biting her thumb on the other hand.

As Jimmy cut the engine, I slid down in my seat.

“Wait here,” he instructed.

I saw him walk toward them and motion to the car, their worried looks following his hand as I sunk deeper into my seat.

Very quickly, Jimmy was opening the passenger door for me and I unhooked my belt.

“They’re not happy,” he explained. “We can’t go anywhere, but we can sit at the creek.”

Nodding, I accepted their terms. I knew there was no use fighting. Though the creek wasn’t exactly where I wanted to be right now, it beat locking myself in Emily’s room, and there was no way for me to get home to Rhode Island.

When Jimmy sat on his root and held out a cigarette in offer, I reached but decided better of it. Lung cancer got me into this mess. Better to quit before I start.

Instead of sitting, I pulled off my shoes and socks and made my way down the sloping bank to dip my aching feet in the cool water.

While still sore, the cool water instantly relieved some of the pain in my heels and the balls of my feet. I delicately stepped between the rocks on the creek floor, careful not to slip and fall in. I could see what looked like either tiny fish or tadpoles swimming against the current at my feet. They shook their tails and seemed to stay in one place.

“Do you think fish sleep?” I broke the silence, looking up to find Jimmy watching me.

He took another drag from his cigarette, letting the smoke out quickly.

“Why do you ask?” His voice was deep and his eyes amused.

I shrugged, looking back down at the swimmers by my feet. “I feel like they must get tired.”

He laughed openly. “I don’t know,” he admitted, stamping out his cigarette before removing his shoes and socks.

He came to meet me, and sat on the bank with his feet in the water. I made my way back where he sat and took my place beside him.

“I feel like them.”

“The fish?”

I nodded. “They’re swimming so hard against the current, exhausting themselves and getting nowhere.”

“You don’t know that they’re exhausting themselves,” he pointed out.

He folded his hands in front of him, and I saw a familiar charm hanging from his wrist. I instinctively reached for the one hanging from my neck. Where my salamander was orange, his was a dark green.

“I hope you don’t mind I have one, too.” I jumped at his voice. I was sitting so closely to him that I felt the vibrations of his voice in my chest.

“Where did you get them?”

“I painted them myself and then I had them set at the mall,” he explained.

I looked again at the pendant. The image was so small and carefully done. It was beautiful.

“I didn’t know you could paint.”

He fidgeted.

“Um, yeah, my dad got me into it.”

I looked through the trees at the house across the creek as I listened. He told me of all the beautiful paintings his dad would make to hang on the walls—landscapes, mostly.

“They were mostly sold at auction, but your dad has a couple,” he explained. I imagined the estate must have gone to Katherine. Why wouldn’t she hold onto her brother’s things?

“I’m sorry about the house,” I blurted out.

“What, why?” He turned in his seat to face me and I could feel myself going red again.

“I—” I don’t want to take your house from you. It’s yours.

“You don’t have to be sorry,” he smiled softly. “If there’s anyone I want living in my room, it’s you.”

 “You—” His flirtation had caught me off guard. “You don’t mind me living in your house?”

He stared at me deeply for a moment before answering.

            “I want you to stay.”

            I felt physical strain in my chest. I wanted to stay for our growing relationship—I wanted to go on a second date, for sure. But I also couldn’t ignore everything else. I didn’t want to start at a new school. I didn’t want to build a life with Keith and Katherine. I didn’t want to leave Sam.

            “But I know you want to go home,” he finished, looking down at our feet.

            “I don’t know what I want,” I admitted, taking his hand in mine. “But I’m staying either way.”

            He squeezed my hand before standing. We carried our shoes with us as we made our way back to the house barefoot.

            --xx—

Dear Sam,

            I don’t know when I’ll see you again. I tried calling the camp, but I guess nobody was in the office when I called. I’m moving to Connecticut.

            Keith bought Jimmy’s old house for mom until she’s able to sell our house in Rhode Island. I don’t even get to pack my own stuff—it’s being shipped out with a moving company in two weeks.

            I feel like nobody cares what I want or what’s best for me. Why would they make me change schools in the middle of high school??

            Mom called and says it’s better for me to be close to Dad and Emily. I want to be supportive, but I just want to go home. I didn’t want to come here in the first place!

            Please write to me as soon as you get this.

            I miss you.

            Liz

            xoxo