Inner Thoughts

*Trigger Warning: Mentions of Su*c*de/D**th* Day after day I wake up and wonder why I’m still here, why haven’t I just ended it all already. I suffer so much from the memories of my trauma yet I have not received proper help nor I have done anything to help myself grow past it. But the thing is, the pain from it all is so debilitating that I hardly can function. I barely eat, I barely sleep I’m a shell of a person and no one seems to notice or care. A few years back I did try to get help but that lasted all of a week. No one truly cares for the sick while they are living, so maybe I just need to take that leap. D**th will certainly welcome me with welcome arms and maybe I will finally get a slither of peace and tranquillity. I hate my life with a burning passion. No one seems to notice my cries or pleas for help anymore so now I lay here, begging to finally be released from this endless cycle. I lay here begging that if I’m reborn I never remember this life and I continue to live a life of ignorance. I don’t want to know the things I know, because if I do then I am no longer happy. I don’t live my life, my trauma does in the form of me. I haven’t been alive for a very long time, I d**d the day my trauma was born. And to me that seems like an eternity ago, an eternity of suffering ignored by those who claim to love me. This trauma lives a life everyday, pretending to be me, meeting new people and making friends. Laughing at jokes, building and breaking bonds and I sit here in the back of its consciousness watching. I’m not in control of my body, Im not in control of my life. I am trapped. I wish to be free. I wish for someone to help set me free, breaking the tethers that keep me locked away. I wanted to feel genuine joy, I wanted actual happiness and I wanted to live. But this trauma of mines has made it impossible. And now I just WANT a release. I feel the eternity long suffering will end soon rather by my hands or fate, it is finally ending. I think I may actually be happy about this. I leave behind no one to mourn my demise, I leave behind no earthly attachments. I leave behind simply a stain, proof of my existence and words of awareness.