Asleep *FINISHED!/COMPLETE*

*Chapter 15

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

The knock on my door had me jolting, and I stood hastily, trying to straighten my crumpled t-shirt and run my fingers through my tear-matted hair. And there was no telling what my face looked like. One look in the bathroom mirror confirmed it: Yup, a red, puffy eyed mess stared back at me.

A second knock sounded. “Just a minute!” I called through the door.

It shouldn’t have mattered. I shouldn’t have cared. Especially not after the day I’d had… I mean I’d been kidn*pped and held against my will, for Christ’s sake. But for reasons that defy all sense and logic, I cared. Too much.

I splashed some cool water on my face, attempting to cool my heated cheeks as well as keep the exhaustion I’d felt at bay, and gargled some mouthwash. I dabbed a little bit of concealer under my eyes that I found in the bathroom drawer, even though it was far too pale for my skin tone given that it likely belonged to Karis, but decided it was still preferable to pufferfish-Elliana. I hoped.

I exited the bathroom and quickly turned the handle to the bedroom door, and then ran and jumped onto the bed, letting it slowly creak open.

I sat up against the headboard, trying to pretend like I was perfectly at ease and all had been normal in here. All was well in the world, nevermind the hours of crying and the whole you-had-to-rescue-me-from-my-super-shady-crazy-brother… that I just realized Jase didn’t know was my brother… thing. How was I going to explain that one?

Maybe I wouldn’t have to. Maybe Jase just came to say,

Alright, Ellie. It’s been real. Pack your stuff and good luck with your life! Byyeee!

“Hey, how are you doing?” Jase said far too gently for my pleasure, as if I were a barely tamed animal.

When I didn’t, couldn’t, answer right away, he simply asked, “Can we talk?”

Well so much for a quick goodbye-see-ya-later. It felt like both a blessing and a curse, I suppose.

“Sure.” My reply was short, but not unkind.

Jase sat across from me on the opposite end of the bed, one leg remaining on the floor for support. He moved so easily, so gracefully. It was mildly annoying.

“Sooo, I’m assuming you have some questions?” Jase peered at me side eyed, as he awkwardly scratched the back of his head. It was clear he wasn’t super excited about having this conversation either, and for whatever reason, that brought me a small iota of relief.

“Nah, I’m good.” Jase’s head snapped up, his eyes wide in surprise.

“Really?? Well this was easier than I thought.”

I rolled my eyes and playfully chucked a throw pillow at him.

Huh, I wonder if that’s why they’re called “throw” pillows?

I chuckled quietly at my internal humor that was honestly gold, if you asked me.

“No, you i***t! Of course I have questions. I have a MILLION questions… Too many questions to even know where to begin…” I let my voice trail off.

He smiled so brightly at my playfulness and sarcasm.

Point for me.

I decided that every time I won that smile, I got a point. I think his point system may be based on my eye rolls though, and he had technically earned his before I earned mine.

“Right, right. Of course you do. Who wouldn’t?” His smile faded and his expression looked almost pained then, as if he didn’t really know where to start either. There he went again, nervously scratching the back of his head.

Almost instinctively, I mimicked the action and rubbed at the back of my neck, trying to ease my tension at both this conversation and his disarming presence.

“Why don’t I start with a few questions of my own, if you don’t mind? Then maybe we can fill in the blanks as we go? It might be easier for me to clue you in on… well, all the things, if I know what you know and don’t know, since you seem to already have a connection or two to our world.” Jase said as he moved to lean against the wall that lined the side of the bed.

He stayed perched near the foot, while I remained at the head, and I absentmindedly started fidgeting with another throw pillow that was lying nearby. I briefly thought about how Jase giving me some physical distance now, was somehow both irritating and appreciated.

“Sure. Ok. Umm.. ask away, I guess.”

Great, here it goes. He’s going to find out some sad or messed up piece of information about me and realize just how much I don’t belong here. Good thing I don’t have much to pack before I go. But I was definitely taking as many of those hotel toiletries as I could find when I left. No doubt they had stockpiles of it.

How on earth did I end up sitting on this bed in a guest room of some powerful family that apparently owned an entire freaking hotel chain?

And why was that at the forefront of my mind at that moment? Beats me.

“Soo… Callen…” he began awkwardly. “Who exactly is he to you?”

Great, so we were starting there. Ok. I could do this. Just tell him he’s your psychopathic brother who doesn’t remember you? Not hard.

“Ummm well… I don’t… I don’t even know anymore to be honest. Because the man I met today is not… it wasn’t my Callen.” I whispered the last words, embarrassment flooding my cheeks.

I waited for him to respond, but clearly I was going to have to explain further… or at least actually answer his question.

Sighing, I continued. “Callen… Callen O’Dellan… is my brother. Or he used to be, I guess. I don’t know. I don’t know why he didn’t recognize me… I don’t know why he… why he knocked me out and tied me up… It’s not like I would be some sort of threat to him…”

I silently cursed Maven’s name under my breath, wondering if choosing to give her name, of all people, is part of what got me into this mess. I took a deep breath before continuing, steadying my nerves.

“I don’t know why he hurt me. I don’t know if he was pretending for some reason that I’m totally oblivious to or what, but there was no recognition there… not even when he heard my name. I thought maybe for a moment… but no. Obviously he either truly doesn’t remember me… or he… wants nothing to do with me.”

I looked at Jase and saw, and felt, all the emotions swirling in his eyes.

Moments later, after the initial shock I felt from Jase at the revelation that Callen was my brother had somewhat faded, he then emanated a mixture of anger, sadness, hurt, pity, and…something odd that pulled at my insides… Something that I decided to ignore, because I just couldn’t acknowledge what might be hidden there, just beneath the surface of those powerful emotions.

That was the thing about my “gift,” if you would call it that… When I was drowning in my own emotions and then, on top of that, couldn’t stop the onslaught of the emotions pouring into me from those around me… It wasn’t just draining, it felt like drowning. Like all of my sadness and hurt multiplied tenfold.

I wrapped my arms tightly around my stomach as if physically trying to hold myself together and dropped my head. I was trying to hide the emotions in my eyes, as well as the moisture that was pulling there, yet again.

I was also struggling, for some annoyingly unexplainable reason, to pull back from Jase physically. It felt like I was going against some ill-directed need to go to him, to comfort him, while his emotions saturated into me, taking me under fast and hard.

I tried to breathe slowly, in and out, in the hopes that it would steady me. Calm me. Keep me from breaking. From closing the space between us. From going mad.

Not that it had ever done much in the past, but it gave my mind something else to focus on. Yet tears still stung behind my eyes, and I blinked rapidly trying to clear them. How could one person generate so many tears in such a short amount of time? Who knows… Maybe there were 18 years worth of held back tears. That would explain the seemingly endless reservoir.

Although my eyes were downcast, I couldn’t miss the audible ‘pop’ of Jase’s jaw and the sound of him grinding his teeth, as he clenched them together. Obviously he was trying to contain and conceal his feelings as well, which I honestly appreciated in my weak and tired state.

After a few moments, I was silently thankful when he seemed to reign in his emotions more fully, as if he somehow knew that was what I needed, and I released a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding.

“He’s your brother?” Jase ran a shaky hand through his hair as he tried to process. “Are you certain? Oh my God what a stupid question,” he slapped a hand over his face, “Of course you’re sure. I mean who doesn’t know their own brother, right? But I mean he didn’t know his own sister so I guess it’s possible… Oh my God, please make me shut up now.”

Jase’s cheeks heated and turned a deep shade of crimson as embarrassment welled within him, and he attempted to clamp his mouth shut. He placed his large hand over the bottom half of his face as if to physically keep his mouth from opening again, and stared at me wide eyed.

He looked like a deer caught in headlights. That is, if a deer could have rosy red cheeks, and I couldn’t help the laughter that bubbled up out of me.

His handsome face looked absolutely ridiculous in that moment, and I loved it. He was honestly kind of adorable, and my heart swelled briefly. I couldn’t help but welcome wholeheartedly, the break in tension.

I tried to put a hand over my own mouth in an attempt to clamp down on my laughter and keep from adding to his embarrassment, but every time I slipped another look at his ridiculous expression, I laughed harder, unable to help it.

It wasn’t long before he joined in, and it was as if the energy in the entire room shifted from awkward discomfort to awkward, yet somehow joyful, contentment. What a crazy thing it was to be experiencing joy in the midst of the chaos…

But I needed it.

I revelled in it.

In that moment, I decided I owed myself that much. I owed myself a moment to feel young and free, despite the series of unfortunate events that summarized my life. And silently, I let my heart hope for more moments like this in the future. However dangerous that hope may end up proving to be.

“Ok, so, Callen is your brother…” Jase tried again, as the laughter finally died down. My stupid smile seemed to be fixed in place, though, unwilling to depart from my face, despite active efforts on my part.

“Yes. But apparently he doesn’t remember me.” I sobered at that statement, my smile now disappearing easily, and folded my arms around my middle again. Barriers. Walls.

You need to keep those walls up, Ellie. I silently chastised myself.

“Yes, that is the way it seemed, huh?” Jase gave me a sympathetic half smile. “When was the last time you saw him?”

“When I was ten…” I sighed, dredging up the memories. “He used to visit the orphanage all the time after he brought me there when I was 5. Actually… some of the earliest memories I have are of being brought there by Callen…”

“But he was 18 when our parents passed, free to be on his own, according to the state, and even though he could have cared for me himself, I guess people had convinced him that he wasn’t mature enough to take on the responsibility of raising a child. Especially not while also facing the grief of losing our parents - or at least that’s what I’ve always been told.”

“So after bringing me to the orphanage,” I went on, “he left me with the promise to visit often, and told me he would come back for me as soon as he ‘took care of some things.’ I remember breaking down and begging him to stay with me…” Moisture threatened to fill my eyes again, but I wouldn’t allow it this time.

“I don’t know if he could have stayed with me, even if he wanted to. But as a small child, I remember feeling so scared. But he did keep his promise… at first…”

“But he never came back for you…” Jase said quietly, sadly, as a statement and not as a question. Though I still felt the need to confirm it aloud.

“No. He didn’t.” I tried to hide the sadness, the bitterness, in my own voice, willing myself to don an uncaring mask, but Jase didn’t seem convinced.

“But, like I said, he did keep his promise to visit me. He would show up at the orphanage all the time, bringing me gifts and hugs and…” I had to swallow back the rising grief to continue on.

“We would be our own little family. For the day at least. We would watch movies together. Eat together. Spend the whole day together just talking, playing, laughing…

“He would even take me out for a treat sometimes, although Stone always chastised him for that. And then, out of nowhere… something changed…”

My brows knit together in confusion as I recalled how suddenly Callen had gone from caring and doting brother to… To a ghost. A ghost of the brother I’d once had.

“When I was about 7 or 8 I guess,” I continued, “his visits became fewer and farther between. He went from stopping by at least once every week or two, to going months at a time before coming to visit again.

“Then right before I turned 10, he would barely even acknowledge me when he came. It was almost as if I didn’t exist then. He’d come and talk with Stone in her office, sometimes for hours… always with the door shut. No kids allowed.

“He never even told me goodbye the last time I saw him,” I recalled, my own voice sounding ghostly as the words left my lips.

I left out the part, however, that it had also been the same day as my 10th birthday. I’d received enough looks of pity from Jase to last a lifetime, and if I ever did truly divulge what life had been like at the orphanage, I was sure to earn more.

“I thought…” I swallowed down the emotions rising up in me again, the lump in my throat now making an audible sound as it went down, and continued. Even though I hated how raw I felt sharing these parts of my story.

“I thought that maybe Stone had kept him from me? Or maybe he had a job that kept him away, like in the military or something like that? Something important.” I realized briefly that I almost sounded like a small child even then, as I painfully retold my story.

“It had to be important if he wasn’t able to make it back to see me for so long, right?” I lifted my eyes and ever so briefly made contact with Jase’s, almost as if wanting and searching for an actual answer to that question, a small ember of hope burning inside me, looking for something that could undo all the years of painful loneliness. But there were no answers that could undo all that had been done.

“Eventually I started to wonder if he was even still alive. When I used your computer to search for him the night you let me stay here, I half expected to find a death certificate.”

I shut my eyes tightly at the recent memory, and a pang of guilt flooded me as I secretly wondered if finding out he had died would have hurt less than this.

A sad smile formed on my face at my ignorant innocence.

“I just kept holding onto this hope that once I made it out, assuming he was alive, that I’d find him and he would explain what had kept him away for so long. And even though it’d just be me and him, with our parents gone and no other family that I know of… We could still be our own little family, ya know? We’d have each other.”

I glanced up at Jase who sat silent and still, probably fearing I’d stop sharing. I had been known to scare easily. But I decided to continue, even though all I wanted to do was run away from these painful memories.

Running would be so much easier than facing this. But the boy in front of me deserved more than that, better than that. Deep down, I knew that much.

“Anyway,” I gave Jase a sad smile, “when I met you… well, when you found me… I had just run away from the orphanage only hours before. I actually ran through nearly the entire night before making my way here. Because for whatever reason, it became more and more clear to me, the closer I got to age 18 - you know, the age they’re supposed to have to let you leave? Like, legally, they have to let you leave?” Now the sadness in my voice was replaced by disgust and contempt. “Well, let’s just say, I knew that wasn’t happening.”

I let out a small, sinister laugh. Why would I ever have thought I’d actually be free from Stone. From Oren. Hell, even after running away I still wasn’t free of them, apparently.

“But how did you know?” Jase asked calmly, curiously. “We have known that Stone’s family ran an orphanage in a nearby town, and even though we always knew it was a front to try and make herself and her family appear like do-gooders to the outside world, every time we checked into it to make sure they weren’t harming kids or doing anything illegal, all seemed to be in order…?”

My mouth opened. Then closed, like a fish, as I tried to process what he had just said. What the heck did he mean when they “checked in on them”?

I decided to table that burning question for now, so that I could get through the rest of this torment and be done with my story. The story that I’d never shared aloud with anyone before, mainly because there had been no one to tell. All the people I knew in this world had watched it happen alongside me, having a front row seat, being that they were also kids at the orphanage.

That piece of information he just shared threw my brain so far off the tracks, and I had to pause to recall his original question before answering.

“How did I know? Well… I have this ability to… to sort of, read people, I guess? I watched a documentary once that said it can come from trauma or something, I think? Like a self protection sort of thing? But, anyways, I’m not stupid, and I learned from an early age to watch Claudia and Oren like a hawk. Anticipating their next move was the only way to make that place survivable for me, and well, let’s just say that I could read between the lines.

“One day they were having a hushed conversation, right after Z had loudly announced that I was turning 18 in a few short days, the other orphans cheering for me, knowing that I’d be free soon. Then I overheard pieces of what they’d been saying, and could feel their rage at Zander’s declaration of my impending freedom. And then, what I had feared for years would happen solidified as reality in my mind… I knew then… I just knew… they were never going to let me leave…So I ran.

“I escaped through a hole Zander had cut in the fence, and ran until… Well, until you found me, I guess… and then when I saw Oren’s car at that stop sign? There was no doubt in my mind that they were after me. And the only way I was going back to that place was in a body bag.” I finished that sentiment with unbending steel in my voice.

There it was. Finally. My strength and determination, ringing true in my words. I was not weak, I reminded myself. If I could survive 13 years in that hell hole and not break? I wouldn’t break now.

“So you came with me to get away from Oren, and then left as soon as you could… to find Callen…”

He said it more as a statement than a question as his voice trailed off at the end, a sad smile now etched onto his face. No points won there… I much preferred the joyful smile that made my stomach twist in odd, but welcome ways, to the one Jase wore now. It made my heart ache.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered softly, suddenly becoming very interested in a loose hem that was beginning to fray on the throw pillow I now held in my lap.

“I didn’t mean to just up and leave without saying goodbye… especially after all that you’d done for me. But I didn’t really know what else to do… I’d been waiting 8 years to find Callen and… and well…” I wasn’t really sure how to continue, but I tried.

“No one has ever been so nice to me or shown me so much kindness. It sounds stupid, but it was… odd. Scary, even. And I just thought it would be easier, better, if I just left and then you wouldn’t have to worry over me anymore.”

Too much emotion, Ellie. Too much information.

“And I mean who picks up random strangers these days anyways? I could have been a cereal killer for all you knew!” I threw up my hands in mock exaggeration, needing to change the energy. Needing to distract from my confession.

Now it was his turn to throw the pillow back at me, as a stupid, but much brighter, smile spread across his face. One that I returned, my body acting of its own accord, betraying me once again. Yup. Confirmed. This boy would be the death of me.

“Oh ya, you definitely give off ‘cereal killer’ vibes,” he chuckled as he rolled his eyes, though with less precision than I normally did.

“But I understand, Ellie. Really, I do. I wish you hadn’t of done what you did, obviously, but I get it. And I’m glad you told me.” He gave me a reassuring smile that I knew was genuine.

That invisible string that seemed to tether me to Jase and his emotions- more so than anyone I’d ever met - was pulled taught in that moment. It felt as if my body ached to draw nearer to him, even though my mind knew that was crazy… But it was as if the string wasn’t just an invisible, metaphorical thread, but a real, tangible thing. Like magnetism. And I hated it.

But do you, Ellie?

Damnit. Where was that distance I needed? The distance I had always kept. With everyone, really - even Z. And how on earth would I manage to find it now, when I also needed answers.