Piece of me

Coincidences do happen. Chapter 6

I arrived back home & was so ready to enjoy the rest of my day off. I was stressed & exhausted. I didn't really want to return to work tomorrow. If I had any choice in the matter I wouldn't. But the bills won't pay themselves. & I'd be hard pressed to find a better position in this town.

Slipping off my shoes & jacket before heading upstairs, I was eager to change in to my pjs. Nothing else would disturb my day I told myself. Once comfortably attired, I grabbed a book from the shelf & returned to my bed. Reading was a welcome distraction from the downright bizarre day I'd had.

A few chapters in I must have dozed off. I dreamt of that day... Our wedding day.

As I waited for him at the registry office my heart was pounding. I knew what was coming. No I can't relive this. "Please, not again". I called out but no one seemed to notice. I wasn't inside my own body. I was more floating above this scene forced to watch it, connected enough to feel the overpowering sense of doom, but not enough to take control & alter the state of the dream.

It was a quiet ceremony. Just my family & a couple of my trusted friends.

I never wanted anything large. Just for it to be about us. I didn't see the point in spending so much on one day when the money could be better spent on the rest of our lives. Jay always liked that about me. He knew I wasn't interested in his money or status in life. I just wanted him. The thought of spending money fruitlessly made me feel uncomfortable. We shared the expenses in life. We worked together to build the life we had talked endlessly about.

I observed myself pacing back & forth growing worried. Fear painting across my face. The hands of the clock seeming to spin faster & faster & still no sign of him. I could feel the anguish & doubt crossing over me; but I was just the spectator of this dream. I knew the truth & I was powerless to prevent it. "Leave" I tried to will my dream self to walk out.

My dream version was making the pointless phone call trying to figure out what the delay was.

'Sorry, this person is not available right now. Please leave a message after the beep'.

"Jay, where are you? It's getting late & I'm really worried. Please call me back, or maybe you're on your way or something, I really hope so".

The time continued to tick on & we lost our slot as the next appointment took place. Dream me sat crying in to her hands, mascara smudged down her face & no idea just how bad things were going to get. Just this strange pain inside my body telling me that something was wrong.

The sight of myself gathering up enough stength to leave as my parents tried to get me away from this depressing place.

Suddenly I was inside my own dream body. I had left the registrar & was back at Jay's grave. It was freshly covered. The bottom of this beautiful white gown covered in the mud that surrounded my feet. The sky was dark & eerie. The graveyard nothing like I had seen. It was so foggy & chilling. I could hear only the faint whisper of owls hooting from the woods & crickets chirping around me.

I fall to the ground at his grave. Sinking my nails in to the damp mud & screaming "No, you can't be gone".

Every thing went silent. I jumped at the sudden iciness that hit my shoulder. I turned my whole body to gaze upon this disturbance & there he was. His hand reached out for me. His face was normal this time. His entire aura was different. Lighter. Before I knew what was happening my hand was slowly moving towards his. Our fingers entwined, Jay pulled me to my feet.

"You're really here. I can feel you. Oh I've missed you so much Jay" I cried as my arms flew around him.

"I miss you too. We don't have long, you need to listen to me Em. I can only communicate with you if we have something that connects us between worlds. You have to leave something of yours here at my grave".

"What do I need to leave here? I don't understand, can't I just stay here with you?" I begged.

"Go to Serene at the crystal shop. She can help you. You need to wake up". Jay began to fade right before my eyes. I could feel his soul slipping away from me again.

With a start I felt myself land back inside my body. My eyes searched desperately around the room. I was back in my bedroom. I sat up & cried in to my knees, trying to process the dream. What was it Jay said? I had to remember it was important. The dream was already hazy.

Once I had managed to stop crying I checked the time. It was 4.30. If I ran I might just make the crystal shop. Scrambling out of bed & quickly pulling my clothes back on, I failed to notice my top was on inside out. I ran downstairs & slipped my trainers back on. Pulling the door locked, I legged it in the direction of the crystal cave shop. I was met with disapproving stares as I passed people whilst struggling to breathe. I wasn't used to running.

I was just a few doors away when I ran right in front of Beth & the twins. I attempted to step around her as she recognised me.

"Oh hi Em, where are you off to in such a hurry?"

"Crystal...." breathing heavily "Cave".

My hand grabbed the nearest wall as I tried to manage my breathing.

"Its closing any minute. I'm just taking the twins home now, we've been at the park haven't we Tanya, Tina?" she said whilst smiling at the little one's

"I have... to go.... Sorry Beth.... I'll explain... tomorrow" I apologised, almost catching my breath again. I stepped around her & picked up the pace again.

"Ok, see you at work" Beth called after me.

I just arrived at the door as a customer was leaving.

"We're about to close" Jess, the daughter of the owner of the shop insisted.

"I need..." Trying desperately to catch my breath again, whilst gesturing the minute symbol with my finger "To talk to..." my voice sounded horse "Your ma" I finally managed. I stood panting awaiting the response.

"She won't see you at this time without an appointment".

"Please...... Its urgent". Raising my voice I urged her.

"Its ok Jess, I'll see her" came the familiar voice from the back. Serene stepped forward in to the shop & gestured for me to come through. "Just through there Emma".

I followed her hands direction towards a small cosy room. "Please sit down".

I sat on a comfortable armchair next to a side table with a dim lamp. Serene took her place on the sofa opposite the centered coffee table.

"I've been waiting for you to come".

Bewildered I began to say "How did you know?"

As Serene interrupted me.

"I know many things. He's been wanting to communicate with you for some time now".

"Why wasn't he able to tell me to come until now" I asked in disbelief.

"Its not easy to communicate with the living. Dreams allow spirits to connect with us when our subconscious minds take over. Its easier for them to enter our dream state than to materialize before us".

"The nightmares though. He never could tell me before. I don't understand how..."

Serene interrupted me again. "Something must have changed".

I stopped to think. What could possibly have happened to change things? I had tried something new to induce sleep. Could that be it? "I recently started taking valerian to sleep better?"

"Hmm, it could be if your sleep is usually very disturbed & the valerian helped you to sleep longer. But I doubt it could strengthen your connection to your loved one. Anything else?"

I looked around the room hoping to pull something from my surroundings that could jog my memory. "Its approaching the 3rd anniversary of his death"

"That's a very powerful number. Its meaning is the birth-life- death cycle & communication. It could be the reason. What can you tell me about your dreams over the years".

"Its always been the same one. Im standing at his grave, he's trying to tell me something, then everything turns gloomy & I can't make out his words as I'm ripped from the dream".

"Until..." I began.

"Yes?"

"I had a dream yesterday that Jay asked me to visit his grave. I heard him clear as day". I stopped, my mind connecting the dots.

"As you appoach his 3rd anniversary his ability to communicate must have strengthened..."

This time I interrupted Serene "That's not all" I exclaimed as I stood up & moved closer to her. "I saw his grave for the first time today. It was exactly as in my dream. Right by the far wall blocking off the woods. Except the graveyard is pretty & well kept. Erm anyway, I actually sat by his grave. I touched his headstone". I sat next to her on the sofa.

"I was up on the hill purely by chance. I had to make a delivery for the council meeting. As I drove towards the main gate I noticed a church off to the side so I pulled in to the small side road & went to have a look. It was exactly like my dream".

"You connected to him, even if only for a moment. The graveyard is a geological hotspot, the veil is already thin there".

"Yes. Jay told me to speak to you before I came here. I dozed off while reading".

"I can help you. You need a few items to hold a ritual first. You have to do this at his grave when the veil is at its thinnest, on the anniversary of his death". She rubbed her chin pondering what the next step was.

"First you need celestite, it allows communication with your angels. You must choose the one you are drawn to & set it with your intentions".

"Ok" My unsure response came.

"You'll also need a sage smudge stick to chase away the negative energy. This is very important. You don't want to invite just anyone to communicate with you" she warned.

"What else?"

Serene silently headed in to the shop as I followed her.

"This" she handed me a simple looking necklace with very green rough crystal attached. "This is peridot. It will keep you safe. Ghosts can dangerously shift the mood. Especially one's with unfinished business, who died in such a violent way".

"You mean a car crash?" I questioned.

Serene looked at me as if I'd said something ridiculous & continued walking over towards her collection of celestite crystals.

"Grab whichever one you're drawn to" she instructed me.

Looking at each piece, one in particular stood out to me. It was a small rough piece with a slightly yellow discolouration mark on it & a deeper blue on the edge than some of the others. It was about 5cms in size.

Serene nodded & headed over to her till. Underneath the till she pulled out a drawer. From it she handed me a pale green bundle of leaves, tied with some purple sprigs. "White sage with lavender. This helps relax & induce spiritual connectivity".

I took the bundle from her awaiting her next instruction.

"You need something that connects you both. Pass it through the smoke of the smudge stick 3 times whilst setting your intention - that you wish to communicate with Jay". She paused. "You must do exactly the same for both of these crystals too. At his grave, on the exact day & time of his death. Keep the sage burning as you place your item to connect you 2 on his grave".

I nodded. Unable to find words.

"You understand the intructions" she asked me sternly.

"Yes". I looked at the items in my hand. "How much for these?"

"For you, only a donation".

I dug around in my pockets hoping to find some money. I found a £20 note & handed it to Serene. "This is all I have, I hope its enough".

"That's fine. I already know you'll return the items to me when you no longer need them" she smiled & handed me a light purple organza bag to put my items in to.

"Thank you". I gratefully accepted the items & left.

Serene was a kind woman. She liked to help people. Me & Jay had picked out my necklace together here. The one I now never took off. She always liked Jay. She said he had a kind face, just like his mother.

I returned home & my mother was already in the kitchen.

"Ah you're back. I was worried".

"I was just at the shop. I thought I'd be back before you. Can I help with anything?". It was after 6pm. Mum finished work at 5.

"Its nearly ready Em. Just grab the plates & pepper would you".

I pulled out two plates & grabbed the pepper from the spice cupboard.

My mum pulled out the dish of cheesy pasta from the oven. Macaroni cheese. One of my all time favourite pasta meals. My mum always added cauliflower & broccoli to it too. She felt it was important to have veg with every meal. When I was younger & refused to eat my vegetables, she used to sneakily blend them in to the pasta sauce to ensure I was getting enough nutrition in my meals. As I got older I became less fussy & started to enjoy my vegetables. But I always feel grateful that my mum cared enough to find ways in to tricking me in to eating well.

Mum dished up a good helping of the pasta & took the plates through to the table. I made us a cup of tea each before joining her. As she cracked the black pepper over the top of her food she asked "Did you buy anything nice".

"Just a necklace". I lied. Mum really wasn't in to all of this spiritual side of things.

"Nice. It about time you wore something else".

"Jay gave this to me" I reminded her.

"I know, but how can you move forward if you keep clinging to the past" she said inbetween mouthfuls.

"I'm not clinging to the past. I'm just honouring him by keeping him close to my heart".

"You still wear your engagement ring".

"Yes. These & a few pictures are all I have to connect me to him". I gestured to my ring & necklace. There it was. I had my answer. That was one problem solved. Now I just needed to get mum off my case.

"I just want you to be happy. You could meet someone new if you ever went out Em".

"I'm really not looking to meet anyone else right now mum. When I'm ready I'll know".

"Ok, if you say so. How was your day anyway?" she changed the subject.

"I got called in to pick up some cakes for the councillors party".

"You delivered them?"

"Yes ma"

"Was it nice up there?"

"Very nice. Clean buildings & streets. Lots of well kept gardens."

"It must be nice to live up there".

"Yes. It must". I wasn't sure if I should mention exploring the graveyard. She probably wouldn't approve. Before I could stop myself, the words escaped my mouth "I saw his grave. It was very well kept".

"You went looking for it?".

"Not exactly. I noticed the church, it was exactly like my dream. I pulled over & decided to see if his grave was where it is in the dream".

"And... Was it? she looked interested to know.

"Yes, by the wall. I stayed a while before coming home. I just wanted to be with him".

"Well that's probably the only chance you'll get so I'm glad you got the opportunity to see it".

Changing the subject "How was your day mum?"

"It was ok. You know Joe? Well he won £115 on the horses today".

"Joe Longridge?"

"Yeah".

"Wow".

We ate the rest of our meal in silence. I cleaned up after. Mum did enough in this house. After tidying the kitchen I came through to sit with her. She was watching the news. They were talking about the latest decisions of the councils. Mum turned it up slightly.

"The decision has come to charge entry to the beach during tourist season to cover the costs of beach cleanup. Locals will also have to pay during this time". The reporter stated.

"That's ridiculous. They already fleece the tourists as it is. But to have us forking out to use our own beach".

"I know its unfair, but the beach needs taking care of. We won't enjoy such privileges forever if we don't take care of them now".

"You don't seriously believe that nonsense do you?"

"I can't talk to you when you're in a mood". My mum snapped.

"I'm not in a mood. When has the council ever cared about the beach? Its locals who clean it up". It was true. Locals volunteered to clean it up regularly. Some tourists were pretty rude & discarded their rubbish anywhere.

The locals, for the most part kept the place clean. Although there were also some locals who didn't much care for looking after this town. But still, those of us who helped with beach cleanup did so without being paid; or even expecting payment. We simply cared for nature.

"Maybe the workload has grown too much & has to be taken care of properly. Anyway, I don't want to discuss this further with you. I'm watching TV".

"Fine. I'm off upstairs". I stormed off. I was right. But my mother never questioned anything. She believed everything unless she saw otherwise with her own eyes. The council caring about the state of this side of town, that was a laugh. They probably just wanted to find another way to increase their already brilliant wages.

All I could fathom was that we were soon to be banned from our own beach.

It must be some sort of coping mechanism to never question anything. We lived under such strict rule & yet everybody just accepted this constant screwing us for every penny we had. It would backfire. Less people would use the beach. Or they'd find ways around paying.

If it was genuinely for the benefit of the sea life I wouldn't mind. But since these very people who brought in this rule were responsible for the factory fishing; that destroyed the coral & sea life by trawling nets & throwing back dead fish that didn't meet the size requirements; or disposing of the cities waste by dumping it in the sea; we would not have such a dwindling sea life. It wouldn't take much to rectify the issue. I refused to purchase anything from the sea, I would not be a part of the problem. Local small-time fishing only would help. No trawlers.

And as for the rubbish issue, was there even any excuse that so much stuff still came wrapped in plastic? We could all easily have reuseable & eco friendly containers, to refill as needed. Only buying what we actually needed instead of wasting any food we could not use up.

We were constantly being penalised for the waste we generated; but who

was complaining to the real problem? The one's putting our products in to wasteful containers. This land is ours to protect & right now we are killing it with sheer laziness & greed.

Jays mother always wanted to put a stop to these issues. I remember her speeches on cleaning up the sea & environment. She loved this place. Her passion for nature was evident in her efforts to make improvements & teach us how we could each make a difference in the world. Her words always stuck with me. Life was so precious to her & she lost hers far too soon.

I changed back in to my pjs from earlier, chucked my clothes in to the washing basket & climbed in to bed. I watched the big bang theory on netflix on my phone for a while before I went to sleep. I needed some comedy to lighten my mood. Tomorrow was another work day & I wasn't looking forward to it.

Jay had sat at the same table every time, from when he was pursuing me, to any time he came in just to see me while I was working. It was painful not to see him sat there watching me work & distracting me with his little jokes. It was the only single seat table & it faced directly towards the counter. That was why he chose it. I remember feeling flustered at first when he would watch me. I was terrified I'd make a mistake or trip over something. After a while it brightened my day to look over & see him smiling at me on the days he came in.

About an hour after getting in to bed I turned my light out & went to sleep... Hoping I wouldn't have another nightmare.

The graveyard was exactly as it had been earlier today. Quiet. Each grave very well kept, some more showy than others. Except Jay wasn't here. I was just sat by his grave. "Jay, how am I meant to really live without you. I feel so empty & lost". The wind whistled in my ear, breezing through the branches of the surrounding trees. All around me were various shades of green leaves. It felt peaceful. I walked towards the wall & climbed over in to the woods, making my way back down towards the town below. It was such a lovely place, full of wildlife. Squirrels scurrying from tree to tree. Birds singing to each other. Foxes hiding away in their dens from the light of day & the disturbances it brought with it.

I was pulled from my dream by the terrible sound of my alarm. I hated being woken up in such an unnatural way. I wasn't much of a morning person. I scraped away the sleep from my eyes & turned off my alarm. It took me a few minutes the gather the energy needed to climb out of bed. I took a quick shower to wake myself up. Then got dried & put on my uniform. After tidying my hair & applying some makeup I headed down to get a cup of tea.

"Morning mum".

"Morning, you'd better hurry up or you'll be late". She advised me.

"I'm just having a brew then leaving".

"What, no breakfast today?"

"I'll get something at the cafe".

"Are you allowed to do that?"

"Not really. But since I worked on my day off, using my own petrol to deliver the cafés order, without so much as an offer of pay, I think I at least deserve a breakfast butty".

"Make sure you don't get caught".

"I won't. Old money bags only comes in when she wants to collect the weeks profits".

"Right. Well I'm off now. See you tonight Em". With a quick kiss on my cheek my mum turned & left.

I quickly drank my hot brew & headed out myself. I arrived bang on opening time. I opened up the cafe, removed my coat & bag then set up for the day. Once there was the first usual customer in I cooked myself a sandwich at the same time as making his full English breakfast. I ate mine in the kitchen after serving the customer. I had to keep an eye out for anyone else appearing also.

Beth would be here any moment. Sure enough Beth arrived at 9.30 on the dot.

"Have you eaten Beth".

"No the twins were absolute monsters to get ready this morning Em. Tanya hid Tina's shoes. It took me ripping the house apart to find them. Then Tina had a meltdown over wanting to wear Tanya's headband. We were almost late for school again."

Laughing at her rant I replied "I'll make you a butty, what would you like?"

"I could murder a sausage & egg with mayo & mustard".

I nodded at Beth & went to cook her butty. Beth came through with another order while I was cutting it in half for her.

"Here another 2 breakfast orders for table 5. Cheers Em" she said, taking the sandwich from me.

"No problem". I returned to the stove to start on the breakfasts.

After finishing her sandwich Beth brought up the fact she witnessed me running last night.

"The last time I saw you move like that was after the ice cream van".

"I needed to grab something from the crystal shop. I keep dreaming about Jay telling me how to communicate with him. I know it sounds crazy but I needed answers". I said as the bacon sizzled & the eggs spat at me.

"Its not crazy Em. Lots of people turn to Serene for just that." she comforted me. "I think I'd do the same to be honest".

"Thanks, for not thinking I'm loopy".

"You're no more loopy than I am" she laughed.

The rest of the day went by pretty quickly. Lots of regulars including some from the middle & upper class. Our food wasn't processed rubbish. We used decent ingredients. Sourced from the 2 local farms. It was why our meals were so much nicer than what was on offer by the competition. The farms were successful for not just their produce, but also the petting zoo, horse riding lessons & farm shops, they offered plenty & mostly made money from the tourists & toffs. But they did also do meat deals for locals & our cafe only. Mrs Taylor was adept at making useful connections. Anyone who didn't experience her by way of employment, would believe she actually had a pleasant personality. She was all sweetness to her connections.

As the hours slipped by I began to feel relief that my work day would soon be over. Just one more night to get through. I had a mixture of feelings inside. Excitement, worry, doubt, curiousity & fear all swirled around inside me, making me feel as if I might be sick.

Soon I told myself.