SEDUCTIVE PRETENSE

The sun pierced through the window and shone on my golden blonde hair; reflections of the ray of light bounced onto my smooth, creamy skin, revealing the dark, brooding features on my face. I lay on my back, staring blankly at the ceiling, the ticking of the large clock occupying my ears. My olive-colored eyes were now filled with worry and remoteness. It was just morning, and I was already waiting for the next day to arrive. My mind traveled back to the last month, February. A kaleidoscope of tragic images shuffled through my mind in a flash. I tightened my eyes shut, hoping to squeeze away the memories, but they kept recurring. Air left my lungs, and I forgot how to breathe for a moment. My eyes flew open, and air rushed through the vacuum of my lungs. I exhaled, trying to recover my lost breath. My eyes felt dry and juiceless. I had cried my eyes out until my tear glands refused to produce any more tears; I was healing gradually. My therapist had told me to let it all out until I couldn’t feel my eyes anymore. She said it was part of the grief process. I had kept reviewing my sessions with my therapist all over again in my head because I couldn’t afford to spend any more money on sessions, not with the current state of my bank account. My savings had been spent on trying to revive my father, and that meant more than anything to me. Even though it all went down the drain, I was glad I had tried. I had a meager amount left, and I couldn’t possibly spend that on taking sessions to get over my grief. I needed to do something about my current economic state. Maybe get a loan? But they would not grant me, not when I didn’t have a job or a means to return the money after the specified time. That was it! I needed to get myself a job. But how would I find a job? Who would give me a job? I couldn’t get a nine-to-five job, not after dropping out of the university. I had to drop out of school due to my father’s illness. He had a stroke, and I devoted all my time to caring for him, even when I was supposed to be at school. I didn’t regret it at all. Okay, maybe I did a little, but I was glad I was able to spend the last years caring for my father. It sent a sense of relief and satisfaction to my chest. I smiled, reminiscing about all the moments we had spent together playing the piano and watching him smile while I was playing the tunes and singing different melodious tunes. I couldn’t have asked for a better terminal year with my father. Those memories lived so dearly in my heart that I couldn’t sell the house to tend to my pressing needs. This was where the memories were engraved, and I couldn’t throw them away and allow some stranger to dwell in the manor where I had spent those precious moments with my father. Yes! The memories lived in my heart, but it was good to have something to look back on, something to revisit to relive the past and renew it. It was all here, and I wasn’t willing to throw it away, at least not yet, not when I could seek a job and manage the house as it should be. I was shaken from my brooding by the sound of the door swinging open. I scooted uprightly to catch a glimpse of the force creaking the door open. A smile spread across my lips, and my eyes glazed over with amazement as I pulled the sheets off my legs and straightened my body. A lady in washed blue jeans and a coffee brown tank top approached the bed and slopped onto it, an identical smile growing on her lips. I reached for Larissa, threw my arms around me, and locked me in a warm, comforting embrace, sympathy showing in my eyes. "Rissa, how’re you holding up?" Sadie let out a soft tone, one that was close to a whisper. I pulled out of the embrace, a smile plastered on my lips. Unawaringly, I reached for my arm and rubbed it, igniting a sense of warmth on my body. I let out a sigh before I began, "Yeah, I’m fine." "I'm doing really well." I lied smoothly. "You don’t look too good." Sadie said, scrutinizing my face. She reached for my face and caressed my cheek softly. "You look pale." She spoke with concern, a penitent expression on her face. Larissa raised my hands and took Sadie’s hand in mine, gazing deeply into my eyes. "I’ll be fine." I promise." I paused, waiting for some form of approval in Sadie’s face, but I found none. Sadie didn’t remark, but she joined me on the bed, her back crashing onto the soft cotton sheets. She let out a sigh of exhaustion and turned to face me. She squeezed my hand in support. "You’ll get through this, Rissa." I know you will." She assured me. My lips curled upward in a smile of affirmation. "Thank you." Sadie held on to my hand, the heat of her hand warming the cold skin underneath me, giving me a sense of warmth and protection. It was obvious Sadie hated to see me in this state. It pained her to see me, her friend, going through such a hard time. She once told me that she wished she could share my pain, if that was possible. It was too much for me to bear, all alone in this world. Losing a father, which I had left as an only family, wasn’t particularly a little thing to get over within a month, and so she wanted to give me all the time and support that I needed. She wanted me to take all the time I needed to get better and get back on my feet, as I once was. She told me that she would be there for me every step of the way. The last year had been such a hard time for me as I had to drop out of the university to tend to my father’s health issues. It hurt Sadie to see me kill my dreams of becoming an engineer, but she would have done the same if it were her father. Contrary to our plan, Sadie had to walk through the university without me alongside her, pursuing their dreams together. As my best friend, Sadie had supported me through the trying time of the illness, and she was here once again as a support system for me. "How’s therapy going?" Sadie asked with a concerned look in her face. "I quit." I said grimly. A puzzled expression appeared on Sadie’s face, and she sat upright and looked me right in the face. "What do you mean, you quit?" "How do you expect to get better if you stop attending sessions?" Sadie questioned, with confusion evident in her eyes. Silence filled the room for a moment, and after a moment, Larissa broke the silence. "I couldn’t afford it anymore." I said, feeling chagrined. I wasn’t quite sure why I felt that way. Sadie was never going to mock, shame, or ever judge me. It just felt embarrassing to not be able to pay for your own therapy to get better. "I’ll be fine though." I’m doing very well on my own. I’m still following the doctor’s methods. I smiled at Sadie in assurance and squeezed her hands tightly. "I’ll be fine, I promise." I spoke out softly. "Why don’t you sell the house and get a smaller place to live?" "You could afford therapy and even re-enroll in school that way." Sadie suggested hoping desperately for a positive answer from me and praying I would comply. She couldn’t wait to have me back in school. ‘I can’t.’ I paused, aware that Sadie’s gaze was fixated on my face, screaming "Why?" "Why can’t you sell the damn house?" I was surprised that Sadie didn’t question my declaration. I sighed, feeling mortified. This was it. This was where I had to come clean with my friend. I was completely broke; I had no money left. I had run out of cash and would soon starve to death if I didn’t find something to do about it within the shortest possible time. I tried to arrange my thoughts and process them into words. I flexed my sweaty fingers and swigged. Sadie didn’t have to say anything because I already knew I was demanding an answer. Even if Sadie wasn’t going to approve, I had already made up my mind. I was keeping the house, and that was final. I curled up into a ball and wrapped my arms around my legs, my legs meeting my chest. Larissa cleared my throat, meaningfully. "That's all I have left of dad’s." I said, with tears gathering in my eyes and my vision becoming blurry. A pang of sadness rushed through me once again as the images of my father on a sick bed appeared in my mind, weakening me. Sadie leaned forward and interlocked my arms around me, my head resting on her bosom. Sadie stroked her hands over my back, her hands warming it and sending me a message of comfort. "It’s okay. It’s going to be fine. It’s alright. You’re okay." Sadie assured me, and when I noticed the sobbing had subsided, I shifted my gaze to my face, trying to find the right moment to speak my mind. "f**k it!" I thought about it, and I went for it. Sniffing, I caught Larissa’s attention. Both of our gazes were on each other’s faces. "So, what are you planning to do?" "You know you need to have a plan, right?" Sadie asked softly, treading carefully and choosing the right words to avoid angering me. I somewhat felt chagrined after she uttered the statement and wanted to bury my head in the sheets. "Arrgh!" I groaned. I wetted my lips, resting my hands on my knee. "Well, I plan to get a job." At least for now. till I’m able to figure it all out and return to school. "I need something to pay the bills." I said. Thankful that I answered her question and she didn’t have to die of embarrassment. Sadie asked, "Right." That’s smart. So, what kind of job do you plan to get? "Any one in mind?" "None, but I just feel bad that I’ll get paid little since I don’t have a degree yet. It really sucks." I complained and pouted my lips like a four-year-old. Sadie felt really penitent and wished she could help. She wanted to do something to help. She brooded, and then a thought struck her mind. Her eyes widened in realization. "Well, maybe there’s something I can do to help." I paused, my eyes shouting, "Spill the beans, b***h!" "There’s this job vacancy at my estate, and I think they’ll pay more than little." "We got a new resident in the estate, and you won’t believe who it is." Sadie said it matter-of-factly, with an air of confidence in her tone. I leaned forward, my eyes searching for answers. "Who? Who is it? Tell me. "Tell me, tell me." I insisted. "Okay. Okay. "It's the Martins." I revealed, with a tone somewhere between a whisper and a loud voice. My jaw went agape; I was stunned. The Martins were somewhere in the neighborhood? I couldn’t believe my ears. Not only did I feel that my ears had betrayed my hearing, but I also had a possible chance of employment there. I didn’t know the amount they were offering, but I was sure the amount would do a whole lot in my life. "They just got there, so I heard they’re recruiting new staff, so I was wondering if you, maybe, wanted to try out or something." Sadie suggested, unsure of my reaction to her earlier statement. "Do I?" Larissa asked rhetorically. "Of course I will." I’m definitely applying. I sure as hell will." I declared it enthusiastically. "That’s good news. I'm glad." Sadie said. "Are you kidding?" "It's great news." I scooted over to the top of my drawer at the side of my bed, pulled open the drawer, and extracted a sheet of paper alongside a pen. "Here. "Write me the address." I stretched forth the pen and note and handed them to Sadie. Sadie accepted it, scribbled down the address on it, and placed it atop the bedside drawer. "Thank you so much, Sadie. "I don’t know what I would do without you." I appreciated her clasping her arms around me. Sadie giggled, "It’s nothing." "What are friends for?" Sadie smiled, giving me a warm smile. "I just really miss you at school." It's been just me, and it's been really, really lonely. I just wish I had you with me. "I really do miss you, Rissa," Sadie said, emotions filling her eyes. I clasped my arms around Sadie, pulling her into an assuring, comforting embrace. I stroked my hands down my black velvet hair, a soft smile playing on my lips. "I miss school, too." And you. I'll be back soon. I promise." I said it reassuringly. Sadie looked up at my face. "It's a promise?" She asked, her eyes glinting with a dazzle of curiousity. I gave her a reassuring nod, a smile playing on my lips. It was time to go job hunting. I smiled to myself, visualizing my "soon-to-be job."