Misguided Hearts

I

"How can an ass that bite-worthy be attached to a f*cking assh*le?"

Napakurap kurap ako sa sinabi ng babaeng katabi ko habang nakatayo sa labas ng simbahan.

"I mean," she whistled and fanned herself. May kaunting hibla ng mapula niyang buhok ang sumabit sa ilong niya na mabilis naman niyang hinawi. "my husband--soon-to-be husband's ass is, whew! But holy s**t! Scorpio Ledesma looks f*cking delectable on that tux."

"Excuse me?" hindi ko na napigilang harapin si Charlie, ang bride ng isa sa pinakamatalik na kaibigan ng kuya ko na si Ram.

She answered me with a lopsided smile. "Sorry," she toyed with her bouquet. "I'm just so nervous I need to talk about something else. It just so happened na puwit ng demonyong Scor na yan ang napagdiskitahan ko. You're Phae, right? Drae's sister?"

I stiffly nodded. Kasama ako sa entourage ng kasal ni Ram at Charlie. I honestly don't know most of the people here aside from my brother's friends. Mabibilang lang yata sa daliri ng isa kong kamay ang pagkakataon na nakasama ko si Charlie sa isang okasyon. Kaya lang naman ako napasama sa entourage dahil nagkasakit ang isa sa mga bridesmaids at walang ka-partner ang kuya ko.

"You must think pinagnanasahan ko yan si Ledesma,"

I laughed uneasily. "No, not really," gusto kong sabihin na hindi ko naman siya masisisi pero pinili kong manahimik na lang. Nobody needs to know that I had a crush on my brother's best friend. Had being the operative term.

"I don't like him,"

Napakagat ako sa ibabang labi ko upang pigilan ang sarili kong sumagot ng, "nobody does." because to be honest? Kung gaano ka-gwapo si Scorpio Ledesma ay ganoon rin kasama ang ugali niya. Hindi na ako nagtataka na iritable ang asawa ni Ram sa kanya.

I watched him as he stood with his friends. He looked so dashing in his tux, I got to hand him that. Gwapo rin naman ang kuya ko, si Liam, Caleb at Zeve sa mga suot nito ngunit iba si Scor. He wore that black suit like he was born in it. The way he moves so confidently and...I shook my head. Remember, Phae, you hate him! Unlike the people around him, he was unsmiling. Like everything is just so utterly unpleasing to him. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin bago pa niya mahalatang nakatitig ako sa kanya.

Baka isipin pa ng animal na yan eh crush ko parin siya.

Yuck.

"But you gotta admit he's a hottie, though."

Not in this lifetime.

"But why can't he be a f*****g decent human being? I mean.." muntik na akong mag-blush nang saktong pagtingin ko ulit sa kanya ay nagtama ang mga mata namin.

Goddammit!

Nang magsimulang pumasok isa isa sa simbahan ang mga tao ay biglang lumapit si Scor sa akin. He stood beside me without saying anything.

"Where's my brother?"

"With another bridesmaid."

"Huh?" nilingon ko ang kapatid ko na nasa likuran ng entourage kasama ang isang di ko kilalang babae. Liam and Ika were between us so I had no chance to confront him. "Akala ko ba kami ang magka-partner?"

"He likes her and hoping to get her to bed later, alangan pigilan ko?"

Fuck! Drae and his f*cking--hindi ko na itinuloy ang sasabihin ko. Sometimes, I really hate my brother.

Inilahad ni Scor ang braso niya sa akin nang magsimula nang maglakad ang nasa harapan namin. Napilitan na tanggapin ko iyon.

I walked stiffly beside him while he sauntered in the church looking like a he owns the place. Like he's a f*cking god.

"Smile, Phae," he whispered on my ear. The cameras started flashing as we approached the altar. "think about the time you wanted to walk down the aisle with me waiting for you at the altar."

"Shut up." I hissed. Hindi na niya kailangan pang ipaalala iyon!

"Cmon, isipin mo ito na ang katuparan ng pangarap mong maikasal sa'kin." patuloy na tudyo niya.

I faked a smile at a photographer before answering him with, "pag dumating ang panahon na 'yon, Scor," I smiled evilly at him. "I will f*cking stand you up and you're gonna cry like a f*cking baby because you lost your chance with me, a long time ago."

He answered with an equally evil smile. "Don't say bad words, Phae. Be careful. Baka magkatotoo ang hiling mo."

....

It was the mid March.

Kaunti na lang ang tao sa eskwela dahil halos lahat ay nagbabakasyon na. Yung iba, nagaasikaso na ng clearance nila. As for me, I just don't wanna stay at home and see my Dad.

A few nights ago, he slapped the living daylights out of me.

I just wanted to attend a party, all my friends are going to be there. I already have a dress and a date. Pinayagan na rin ako ni Kuya at ni Mommy. But, when my Dad found out, hindi siya pumayag na pumunta ako. He said, wala akong mapapala sa pakiki-party at pakikipag-date. 'Wag daw akong tumulad kay Kuya.

I was so mad. So frustrated! Sinubukan kong tumakas and well, you guessed it. Nahuli niya ako and the rest as they say, was history.

Mabilis naman na nilagyan ni Kuya ng ice ang pisngi ko but I was still sporting a bruise on my cheekbone until Monday. Namamaga nang kaunti ang labi ko at may malaki akong bukol sa gilid nang ulo matapos kong matumba nang sampalin ako ni Dad at tumama ang ulo ko sa kanto ng mesa. Kapag may nagtatanong ay nagsisinungaling na lang ako at sinasabing sumemplang ako sa bike. Eh ni hindi nga ako marunong mag-bike! I had a bike--the one Scor gave me on my eighth birthday but that was a small and I never used it. Simula nang umalis si Scor para mag-aral sa ibang bansa ay nawalan na ako ng dahilan para matutunang gamitin iyon. It seemed pointless to learn how to bike when he's the only reason why I wanted to learn on the first place.

Eventually, I got tired of having to lie to everyone who asks about my bruise so I completely shun everyone off. Nahihiya ako at ayokong may masabi ang iba tungkol sa pamilya ko. As much as the public are concerned, my family is perfect.

I mentally rolled my eyes.

Last night, after the squabble between me and Dad, I heard him and mom arguing. He's having an affair.

Iyon ang dahilan kung bakit hungkag na hungkag ang pakiramdam ko ngayon. I felt betrayed! Lahat ng inakala kong perfect, hindi pala! Lahat ng magagandang ipinapalabas sa publiko ukol sa pamilya ko ay isang malaking kalokohan! Peke! Daig pa ang mga diploma sa Recto ang pagka peke!

Hawak hawak ko ngayon ang tray ng pagkain na binili ko sa cafeteria at patungo ako ngayon sa favorite spot ko, nang mamataan ko ang isang pamilyar na bulto na nakaupo mismo sa lamesang paborito ko.

"Scor.." I whispered to myself.

Kailan pa siya nakabalik?!

My heart picked up speed. Halos magkandatalitalisod na ako sa pagmamadaling makalapit sa kanya. Nanginginig ang mga kamay ko at namamawis ako nang malamig. Is this for real? Totoo bang narito siya?

Nang sa wakas ay huminto ako sa harap niya ay saka siya nagtaas ng ulo upang salubungin ang titig ko. "S-Scor?"

It was him! It was really him!

"Hi." he gave me a small smile and gestured towards the empty seat in front of him.

Agad agad akong naupo sa harap niya. He looked so matured now. It had been five years. Binatang binata na siya.

Saglit kong nakalimutan ang mga hinanakit ko sa mundo nang makita ko siya. Scor could somehow cure my pains. Nakakalimutan ko kung gaano naging kapait ang buhay nitong nagdaang panahon habang tinititigan ko siya. Ibang iba na ang itsura niya. I almost can't believe it was him! Kung hindi lang dahil sa mata niya at sa nunal niya sa sentido, baka akalain ko na isang Greek God ang kaharap ko ngayon at hindi si Scor na best friend ng kuya ko. When he looked up, I pretended I was eating. The truth is, I don't even remember what I ordered for lunch.

"Kailan ka pa nakabalik?"

"What happened to your face?"

Napatingin ako sa kanya. Sinusuri niya ang mukha ko. He had this look on his face, like he ate something bitter. Napalunok ako habang si Scor naman ang titig na titig sa mukha ko.

"N-Nothing." umiling ako at binalik ang mata ko sa pagkain. I couldn't stand his eyes on me. It does things to my system I wasn't familiar to.

"He did it again."

It wasn't a question. It was a statement. He knew my father had an inclination to violence. He once saw how my father beat up Drae. It wasn't the kind of beating up some parents used to discipline their kids. It was hard. It was meant to kill. Kung hindi lang siguro naroon ang mommy, malamang nalumpo na si Kuya.

And all the while, I believed it was only normal. That all dads do that.

"Gusto mo ba ng hotdog ko?"

Napatda ako sa tanong na iyon ni Scor. H-hotdog niya? Inaalok na sa'kin ang hotdog niya?! He seriously can't mean his hotdog, right?

Never in my life na na-imagine ko na dadating ang pagkakataon na ito. Nawala sa isip ko na, bakit naman ako aalukin ng ganun ni Scor? Couldn't he be more.. I don't know.. I little more discreet about it?

He can't just pop those indecent offers in normal conversations!

I was interrupted from my trance when he pushed his plate towards me. "Here, you can have it, I'm not hungry anymore."

Nalaglag ang panga ko. But of course! He was referring to hotdogs! Kumakain siya ng hotdog! At hindi lang basta regular na hotdog! Jumbo hotdogs. Por Dios, Por Santo! Bakit ba kasi sa twing makikita ko siya sa kanya lang nakatuon ang pansin ko and I was completely oblivious to my environment? I didn't even realize he was eating!

Nanginginig ang kamay na tinusok ko ng tinidor ang hotdog ni Scor. He smiled weakly at me. May ilang sandali na parang napansin kong umangat ang kamay niya pero hindi naman niya tinuloy, bagkus ay nagsimula siyang tumayo mula sa kinauupuan niya.

"M-may sasabihin sana ako, Scor." napakagat ako sa labi ko habang titig na titig ako sa hotdog niya. When could be the better time to tell him I'm inlove with him? Baka may dahilan kaya kami nagkita ni Scor ngayon? Baka may dahilan bakit bumalik siya? Baka dapat hindi ko na sayangin ang chance na 'to! I could just tell him I love him and if he says he loves me back, maybe I could convince him not to go back to the states anymore.

But if he wants.. Maybe I can do with a long distance relationship. Basta ang importante, masabi ko na. Ngayon na.

"S-Scor.. I.."

"I'm getting married, Phae." sabi niya. Right then and there, I felt my whole world tilted in a very awkward angle. No, he didn't say that.. Please tell me he didn't just say that! No! Hindi pwede!

"Y-you're..?" I stuttered like an idiot. "Paano? You're too young to get married! You're just nineteen! T-to w-who?" I was almost afraid to ask. But I had to!

"I'm engaged, Phaedra." he supplied. He didn't even bothered to answer my other questions. "Tell your brother I said hi, okay?" he got up and mushed my hair before leaving.

Oh God, I sat there and watched him leave. Nang makalabas siya ng pinto ng cafeteria ay saka ko lang pinakawalan ang mga luhang kanina pa nagbabadyang tumulo.

I sat there and cried habang subo ko ang hotdog--Jumbo hotdog--ni Scor. Damn this life!

And just when I thought my life couldn't get any shittier, my cellphone rang. It was my brother telling me that our parents are arguing again. Nag-eempake raw si daddy.

Kagyat akong napatayo.