I Am With You, Always

Fallacy of Relative Privation

With cameras off, Benjamin spoke first. "Can you hear me?"

Something strange took over Jana at that moment. She heard Benjamin’s strong, deep, masculine voice echo through her house, and she couldn’t help but think, "That’s the voice of my future husband."

Immediately, she forgot all the English she could speak fluently and concentrated on perfecting her accent so she wouldn’t sound like Sofía Vergara.

"Hi, Benjamin, yes, I can hear you."

Benjamin turned on his camera, and he was exactly as Jana had imagined—gorgeous and exuding masculinity. His beard was fuller, and his long, wavy hair thick and shiny. He smiled nervously yet kindly through the screen.

"Why don’t you turn on your camera?"

Jana knew she needed her bottle of wine.

"Give me a second, I’ll be right back!"

She had never run so fast in her life—not even in her wildest dreams of being an athlete. She dashed to the kitchen, downed the last of her wine in one gulp, and raced back to her computer.

"Sorry, I had left a light on in the other room."

Jana was a little tipsy—and honestly, she needed it. There was no way she could’ve turned on her camera without that wine.

Jana turned on her camera, and there they were—staring at each other, smiling foolishly, embarrassed, like two kids meeting for the first time in kindergarten, eager to play.

"You’re even prettier on video, but I’m sure you hear that a lot."

Jana wasn’t sure if the warmth in her cheeks was from the wine, from Benjamin, or from both. She could only manage to say, "And you’re just as handsome as in your photo."

Benjamin let out a nervous laugh and proceeded to share his screen.

"What do you want to listen to tonight?"

Jana replied, "Whatever you want. Show me what you like."

It was close to midnight. Jana had already finished her wine and opened a beer from her fridge. She felt nervous, watching music videos instead of talking much with Benjamin. It was as if they were speaking to each other through the lyrics of the songs. It felt like home, as if Benjamin were sitting right beside her, singing along. It was the perfect way to end her chaotic day, and she could have stayed for hours, doing the same thing every night—listening to his deep, masculine voice. What did the music videos matter when she could just look at him? So handsome, so manly—the most attractive man her eyes had ever seen. The man she once imagined as a child had come to life. Drunk or dreaming, she didn’t know—but she needed him, wanted him, and that need terrified her.

“Benjamin, how old are you?”

“I’m turning 31, and you?”

Jana cursed in her head; he didn’t look at all younger than her. “I’m turning 37, I’m older than you!” Benjamin was stunned; she looked too young to be over 30.

“You have an impeccable face—I’d never guessed you were 37.” Jana felt her years of retinol had paid off, but she disliked that Benjamin was younger. She wanted someone older, stable, and mature—far from her past disappointments.

Suddenly, ‘Stone Sour’ began to play. Benjamin exclaimed “Damn, I love Corey Taylor! I read his second book, ‘You're Making Me Hate You!’ and it was solid.”

Jana loved him too and asked “What is it about?”

“Dealing with people, dealing with his anger and sadness. It helped me a lot when I lost some important people in my life.”

Jana was intrigued. “I lost important people in my life too. My mom passed away when I was 27 years old. I’m sorry for your loss. I totally understand.”

Benjamin stopped the music and his tone turned more serious.

“Jana, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my fiancée and my ex-girlfriend. It killed me.” Jana was shocked. She never thought there was so much tragedy behind Benjamin.

"I'm so sorry, Benjamin. I wish I could take your pain away."

"It’s in the past. I turned to God. I was angry, but I made peace and came back to life."

Jana was deeply impressed. "I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring up such a delicate subject." She said, feeling embarrassed but also connected to him.

"Don’t worry, that was 10 years ago. Life goes on. Remember, no one is ever truly alone." Benjamin reassured her.

Jana, feeling lonely in her big house with just her cat, softly responded: "I’d like to think that’s true." Her emotions, fueled by too much drink, took over.

"You could have anyone you wanted, being so beautiful and intelligent, any man would want to marry you." Benjamin said boldly.

"Relationships? I'm tired of that. I'd really prefer to just be alone." Jana said, letting the independent and empowered woman shine through.

"Very well. It’s not my place to judge or advise on such matters, at least not without being asked." Benjamin responded.

Jana added, "I don't want to sound full of myself, but I think my standards are too high. No one satisfies my needs." She finished her beer and added: "Right now, I’m not pursuing any relationships, but I don’t want to close the door in the future."

Benjamin nodded. “You’re making plenty of sense. I’ve spoken to so many people about relationships and all sorts of issues, so I feel like I can understand just about anything when it comes to that. I’ve always been the one people come to about relationships and their problems—mostly women. I’ve always been the Gentle Giant with the shoulder to cry on, and I do my best to not take advantage of that.”

Jana laughed and said, “I guess I’m also seeing you as such! But I won’t take advantage of you… unless you want me to!”

Jana instantly felt embarrassed by what she said—her drunkenness had made her slip up.

Benjamin laughed at what Jana said, replying, "I would never take advantage of you, Jana. If we're friends, I would never cross that line. I almost made a mistake once, and it was after months of being with this person. Her husband walked into the house when she had explicitly told me she wasn’t married and was single. Thank God we weren’t doing anything at that moment. That situation really bothered me, but I didn’t feel intimidated by her husband in any way. I’m a big guy with a broken back, but I’m six-and-a-half feet tall."

Jana added “With a broken back?”

Benjamin explained that an accident left his back in bad shape, requiring many surgeries and limiting his abilities. Jana felt the unfairness of it all—he seemed to have everything, so why was he suffering? Life’s mysteries often felt cruel.

Benjamin then added, “No job, broken back, no money, ghosts of ex-girlfriends. I’m a bad fit for anyone.”

Jana knew he was right, that was not attractive at all, but she didn’t care. She had never met a 31-year-old man so mature, intelligent, with such an open heart, and speaking with so much sincerity. At that moment, she felt that she admired him, that she wanted to be with him, that she needed to give him the happiness he so desperately needed.

“Would you mind telling me what happened with your back?” She asked. Benjamin started to explain:

“I was sitting at my desk when a 9-foot shelving unit toppled over. The top shelf hit my lower back, crushing my chair and dragging my chest across the desk, breaking my glasses. I was pinned beneath it—half under the desk, the rest crushed by the shelving and chair. It took four guys to lift it and one to pull me out. Since then, I’ve had seven major surgeries and a dozen minor ones. It’s degenerative, so I’ll only get worse, not better. My lower back, hips, and thighs are numb, and constant pain from scar tissue in my lower back affects my upper back. I used to love weightlifting, but now even being sedentary is too much for me. I could lift someone if necessary, but my back would give out immediately.”

Jana was stunned by Benjamin’s story. Her problems felt trivial in comparison, and she wanted to cry. “I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through—it’s unfair. My problems are nothing compared to yours, yet you’re kind, hopeful, and full of faith. I’ve lost that faith. I lied about working in corporate—I lost my job yesterday, and I thought my world was ending. You truly inspire me.”

“Fallacy of Relative Privation. Just because someone, somewhere, might have it worse than you, does not make your problems less valid.” Benjamin was smiling at her. “Also, I appreciate your honesty - coming clean and telling me what your situation really is.”

“I wish I could give you a hug, but since I’m too drunk, I would want to kiss you too.” Jana couldn’t believe her words! What was wrong with her?

“Jana, you don’t want me to.” Said Benjamin with a serious voice. “I mean, you might.”

Jana felt confused. He also wanted to kiss her? “I don’t know what’s in your head right now, Benjamin, we’ve been talking for the last four hours, I think.”

“f*****g you.” Said Benjamin.

A silence took over the call. Benjamin lit a cigarette, inhaled, and exhaled deeply. Jana felt her heart beating so loudly, she thought it might burst out of her chest.

“Freudian slip…Jesus here we go. Lord forgive me. "I’m going to have to talk to you some other day when you are sober.” Benjamin added “Have I mentioned I've given orgasms just by talking and making sure the person refrains from touching themselves?”

Jana hadn’t expected the tone of the conversation. She knew he was a bad boy, and that his past had turned him into this. She couldn’t trust him. "I didn’t expect this. Maybe this is what you tell all the women."

“I slipped and said something I didn't mean to say. Some women don't like it when men beat around the bush. I prefer those women. They still have to run so we can both enjoy the pursuit, the build-up.” Said Benjamin.

“As much as this interests me, my mind is stronger, and I know I won’t fall for it.” Said Jana, feeling proud of herself.

“Very good foreplay, I applaud you, good Miss. I imagine the chase to catch you is incredibly rewarding, regardless of how long it might take. I'd love to find out someday.” Said Benjamin.

“Unfortunately, I'm saving myself for my one true love. I'm not going to lose my head over you, I could! But no!”

Jana had already lost her mind over Benjamin. She had imagined him completely naked on top of her, shattering her femininity. She knew she had to end the call. She had never done virtual s*x, and it felt too impersonal to her. Additionally, she didn’t want Benjamin to be just a fleeting adventure. Despite what he had said and how offensive it had sounded, she liked the idea of this flirtation.

“Benjamin, it’s late, and I must go to sleep. But, I love talking to you.” Said Jana.

“Of course. And please, forgive me. Allow me to retract my previous escapades; I'd like to remain your friend, if possible.” Said Benjamin, embarrassed.

“Sure. We can do that.”

Jana blew him a kiss and proceeded to end the call.