Surviving Gangster's Love

Surrender

I wonder what makes people stop being afraid of their worst fears. One of the factors would be when your loved one is in danger. I remember not thinking of the consequences at all at that moment. I just wanted to confirm that what he was saying about Katy was wrong. That she was not into any sort of substance abuse. That she was safe.

"What kind of drugs are we talking about?" I asked him.

"So you are ignoring my words now? Actually, I would like to tell you all about your dear husband and friend." He replied, as if enjoying my anxious state.

"But we have a deal here, don't we? You cater to my will, and maybe, after that, I will decide to entertain your requests." He had a vile smirk on his face.

"That is if I am satisfied with your performance," he added.

I realized it was meaningless to expect him to care about my worries. What we were doing to each other with our bodies had nothing to do with getting closer emotionally. Not that I wanted it. It was better this way. I removed my bedroom slippers and stepped on the table.

I was still in the same white oversized shirt he had offered me that morning and denim shorts. He asked me to strip, so I did exactly that. With no scruples whatsoever. I unbuttoned my shirt, one button at a time, then put off the shirt and let it fall on the floor. Then I pulled down the zipper on the shorts and pulled it all the way down and stepped out of it, sliding it off the table with my feet. I stopped for a beat to look at Mr Jairaj. He was watching me with those dead eyes. It was like looking into a bottomless pit.

I took the hint and pulled the strap of my bra down from the left shoulder. Then the right shoulder. My heartbeat had spiked at that point. I was trying to keep my face expressionless. It was harder than I had expected. It was as if I could feel his gaze on my exposed skin. I had started feeling goosebumps everywhere on my skin. The nonchalance with which I had started had evaporated by the time I had unhooked my bra. Standing on the table, in my exposed state, like an object on sale, my hands slowed down gradually. It took me all the time to pull off the bra.

Then a stupid urge to put my hands on my breast, to cover them, overwhelmed me. It was almost involuntary. I heard a 'tsk' from him. He was sitting on the sofa, cross-legged, with his hands spread on the handrest. I was mortified by his look of disdain.

"Strip. I said." His voice was menacing. Their was annoyance mixed with threat in his voice. All my confidence had been shattered by then and I was hanging my head in shame and embarrassment. I pulled down my white cotton underpants with one hand while the other covered my breasts. I stepped out of my underpants. Tears were threatening to come out of my eyes anytime by then.

Mr Jairaj stood up and took a turn around the table leisurely. As if examining an inanimate statue. Meanwhile, I was withering in shame. I wanted to bury myself somewhere, or just turn invisible or dissolve in the air somehow. He stretched his hands towards my hand with which I had covered my pelvic area. He caressed it. Every stroke of his fingers sent shudders throughout my body. I had pulled all the air out of my stomach and lungs, it felt.

"Put away your hands" he whispered.

I had closed my eyes, shut tight, I could not see anything and I wanted to believe that it had turned me into something that could not be seen either.

"Put. Away. Your. Hands." He growled. The sudden shout made me start in fear. I pulled both my hands in the air.

"Put your hands behind your back." I did as he said. There was something about the humiliation of being ordered like an inanimate robot. On one side, I was so ashamed that I wanted to dissolve, but on the other side, my heart was beating in leaps and I felt the heat rising at the bottom of my belly.

With my eyes shut close, I felt his fingers touching my thighs, moving up ever so slowly. His fingers stopped at my inner thighs and circled an area once, twice and then a third time.

"You did this to yourself or someone did it to you?" His voice seemed to be coming from a dark cellar.

I opened my eyes in shock. I had forgotten all about the cut marks on my inner thighs. There were several cut marks, some as old as seven years, when I first started self-harming myself.

"I did it" I replied in a small voice. There he had seen them. There was nothing to hide anymore. Now he knows what kind of a retard I am. I remember I felt as if I was dunked into a pool of ice-cold water. There was a chilling voice murmuring inside my head- I cut myself. It makes me feel good...The sensation of a blade cutting through my skin..The color of red blood ozzing out of the cut...It gives me pleasure...It makes me feel as if I can breathe better...As if I can finally have enough air in my lungs..As if I can finally feel like a human..Yes, that is what I am.. look closely Mr Jairaj...This is what I am.

He caressed all my scars. Then his finger nails digged into my skin brutally, scratching through my inner thigh. He had put some strength into it. I felt a sharp pain surging through me, as if unfreezing my frigid body.

"You are not allowed to harm yourself from now on. I'll give you all the pain your body desires." He said through clenched teeth as his fingers dug deeper into my skin.

"Ahh!" A strange sound escaped my mouth. I remember closing my eyes, feeling a sensation that was anything but pleasurable to me. I wanted to keep feeling that way. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to rely on him. I wanted to believe that it was alright to feel pleasure in my deviant ways. I wanted him to take responsibility for the aberration that I was.

The next moment, I was in his arms. We were moving towards the bedroom. He paused at the door of the room. Watching the two separate beds in the bedroom, he gave me a look. I think I saw a small smile on the corner of his lips. I am not sure though. He had put me down on my bed; one with a blanket and covers. The bed that used to be Austin's was bare, without any covers. I had thrown all his things away.

Then he started undressing.

"We will start with the basic training" His voice was so gentle that I felt I could melt.

Now when I look back, it was at that moment that I had lost the game to him. He was the first person I had bared myself to. The acceptance of my deviance held such intimate meaning to me that I surrendered myself completely to him, without even realizing that I had given myself up.

"There is a human who has seen my non-human self and has not discarded me". That was all I could think of at that moment. I was yet to learn that there were other non-humans in the world. I had yet to realize that he was one of them. And that he was going to rip my body and soul apart. He was going to be the bane of my existence. He was going to make me realize that sometimes dying was better than living.