Surviving Gangster's Love

Training

There are ways of making pain pleasurable in bed. Some people like it rough, to do it with a sense of animalism to it. Raw, unbridled, passionate, leaning towards violence. But pain-pleasure is a different space entirely. It has less to do with unbridled force and more to do with controlled cruelty. It is sensous. It is consensual. It is painful. It is pleasurable.

The attraction I felt towards Mr Jairaj was a complete bodily attraction and thus, was fatal. You can make your heart understand for once, but controlling bodily instincts is very difficult. Also, there was a part of me which had always fantasised an immoral bodily connection. Something that started and ended solely with the body. The relationship between our skins. For a fact, I knew, such a relationship would be anything but "skin-deep" as they call it. Something that satisfies the deepest, darkest urges of the body, which liberates my body into all the sensualities I have ever dreamed of, something like that can never be casual. It was bound to be addictive. All consuming and, finally, destructive.

What Mr Jairaj meant by training that day was getting an idea of his tastes and likes in bed. He taught me how to give him a perfect blowjob. The kind that pushes him into a frenzy of thrusts before he shatters into moans of release. I remember how he asked me to get a banana or cucumber from the kitchen. He made me sit on the bed, on his lap, facing him. He taught me to cover my teeth with the innerside of my lips and open my mouth wide as I put the cucumber inside my mouth. He asked me to take it in as deep as I could. I tried, but he seemed to be unsatisfied with my efforts. He forced the cucumber down my throat after a while. I remember I gagged and I heard him laugh. It was sort of intimate, his hands rubbing my back as I coughed. He was praising me, as if I was a child. His eyes were so soft that they glistened.

"You are doing a good job." He whispered in my ears.

"You deserve it inside you." I was looking at him with wide eyes, trying to see if he was joking.

"Do you want that?" He was licking my nape with his tongue.

"Yes or No?" He insisted in between the licks.

I think I nodded yes and he smirked. An evil grin on his face.

"Wrong answer, Sera." He whispered, grabbing my hair.

He ordered me to kneel down near the door, with my hands on my knees. He asked me to wait for him and went outside the room, closing the door behind him. I was kneeling down on the cold floor of my room, naked and turned on. I had not even moved a single finger all the while I sat there, waiting. It was not fear. It was an urge, a need to surrender. To obey. It was not Mr Jairaj that I was obeying, rather it was a twisted desire, of wanting to be dominated. It was confusing why I liked it so much. For, I have always valued my agency over anything in the world. The fact that my body desired such objectified domination felt so wrong that I felt ashamed, yet I could not deny the pleasure it gave me.

Minutes kept on passing and my legs had started to hurt. My knees had turned red. I wanted to go see where he was but I also wanted to endure the wait. It was part of the training, endurance, patience and to survive anticipation. I think he returned to the room after about half an hour. My legs were already asleep by then. I was barely enduring and was on my limit. He took my hands and tried to pull me up but my legs had turned to stones. He carried me in his arms and laid me on the bed. He was smiling. I think it was my first time watching him smile so sweetly. A genuine smile.

"You are such a good girl, Sera."

"You deserve a reward." He said as he kissed my forehead.

He had entered the room with a bag which was now sitting on the bed. He opened it and I saw it was full of strange things. A thing or two I could identify. They were s*x toys of different colors and sizes. My eyes were fixed on the bag while he was massaging my calves, bringing them back to life.

"We will try everything and figure out what your body enjoys."

I was wondering whether I wanted those plastic things to be used on my body. Would I like it? It made me curious. I was trying to get myself involved. To feel the thrill but something was off. Now that he was in front of me, I kept seeing the cruel smirk he had on his face when he was talking about Katy. My mind kept wandering to the inhalers. Was it really Katy who took them? Why would she? How could she be involved in substance abuse?

I think he caught my mind wandering because he suddenly pressed his thumb on my c**t. The hands that were massaging my legs crawled up suddenly and caught me off guard. I gasped in shock, as his fingers rubbed me in circles, the pressure increasing with every rub. I had closed my eyes in pleasure but he grabbed my face, making me open my eyes.

"Look me in the eye, Sera", he whispered close to me. His fingers sped up and I could already feel wetness down there. His fingers repeatedly scrapped the little hard bump on my c**t with every rub.

"Ahh!" A moan left my mouth and I could not help but close my eyes again.

"Look me in the eyes, keep your eyes open, I said." Mr Jairaj pulled his fingers away, leaving me grasping for air.

"I will, I will." I heard a strange desperation in my voice, the kind I had never known before. I wanted his fingers to get back where they were a few seconds ago. I wanted him to get back to what he was doing to my p***y immediately. But he kept hovering above me. His eyes bore into me. His fingers gliding on my cleavage. They were moist and warm.

"You want me to go back to it?" He whispered as his fingers moved down ever so slowly. I nodded yes.

"But you don't listen to me. Why should I listen to you?" He had a little playful smirk on his face as his fingers reached my belly and I took in a hitched breath. I felt myself twitching down there at that point. I was clenching my teeth, breathing heavily. He had stimulated my body to a point that it was hard to reign it in.

Body, it is just the body. I was reminding myself. Hormones, chemicals, calculation, biology. My hands in a tight fist. I think my determination to reign in my bodily impulse was visible on my face because I saw Mr Jairaj's face turning cold and then a strange glimmer in his eyes.

"I like to break into stubborn things, Sera."

He put both my hands together and tied them with a satin red ribbon that he took out from the bag. Then he placed my hands above my head.

"Keep them there, or I will tie them to the bedpost."

Next, he pulled out a little tube-shaped thing with a wire on one end connected to a little remote. He spat on the tube and then brought it down on me. I saw his head bend down focusing on my nether parts and then felt a cold, wet thing entering inside me. He hit a button on the remote and the little tube started vibrating. I gasped a breath. It felt strange. The pulsation inside me.

"You like it?" He asked, pressing another button and the speed increased.

I felt bothered in an odd way. The tube was too small and thin and vibrating too fast. It was shallow and monotonous but still turning me on, only to leave me half way. It was not enough. I needed more but didn't want to ask for it either.

He was hovering over me on hands and knees, watching my every movement like a hawk, as I withered under him with that tube vibrating inside me. It was too much. I felt a strong urge to cut myself. Only if I had a blade. It would give me such pleasure. I would have orgasmed instantly. I bit my lips hard in desperation.

"Such a stubborn little pup." He chuckled.

He bent down on my breasts, taking my n****e between his teeth, biting it hard. A loud moan escaped my mouth. It was almost like a cry. This is what I need, I thought.