Surviving Gangster's Love

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I liked it. I liked what he did to my body that night. It was another night of deep sleep for me. In the morning, I heard him leaving. I heard him dressing up and moving about the room in a half-asleep state. I heard him whispering something into my ears, but I could not open my eyes. It was like I was in a limbo. When I finally woke up, he was gone for quite some time. The bag with the weird stuff was sitting on the couch in my room. Was I supposed to clean what we used inside me? Had he used it on other women before me? He must have. They might have been better at it than me. More expressive, more responsive. Not that it mattered.

I remember getting up, straightening the state of my bedroom, changing the sheets, whipping the floors. I was able to stall my anxiety till making breakfast for myself, but the moment I sat at the dining table, all my appetite was gone. The problem that started with missing those inhalers of unknown origin was bugging me. I called Katy. I could not take it anymore. I had to ask her.

She picked up the call after several rings.

"Hey Sera, how you holding up?"

"I was half-dead the whole Sunday, such a hangover! Girl, what a weekend. By the way, who sent me home?"

"I don't remember a thing, I tell ya."

Katy was being Katy. Excited and bubbley as ever. No Mondays ever fazed her. I was holding my phone, nervous and worried about bringing up the matter of inhalers as she prattled on about the incident at the Old Lama once again. As if I was not the one next to her the whole evening. As if it was someone else who had fought with the man and was packed and sent to the police station.

"I can never let your parents know about this. Imagine how they would react? Sera in the police station for getting into a brawl! Haha" She was on one of her never-ending tirades.

"Katy, I need to ask you something." I had to interject in between.

"Yeah go one" She replied.

"I had a pair of inhalers on the coffee table the night you came up to my house. Do you remember seeing them? I can't find them anywhere and I need them urgently." I asked her.

"What inhalers? I never saw any inhalers in your house." Katy did not even take a beat to reply. It was very natural and she was not even a bit hesitant or nervous.

"And why would you need them anyway? Do you have a medical condition that you are hiding from me?" Katy had turned the tables so thoroughly on me that now I was the one being introgated.

"No, nothing like that, Katy. Its just that.... I think...Austin used to take some inhalers, and... he forgot to take them along maybe.. uh and he was asking about them. He needs them urgently. I remember putting them on the coffee table that evening, but now I can't find them anymore." I managed to stumble through and make a believable story.

"Austin CALLED YOU for those?" Katy's voice had gone an notch higher. She sounded surprised, which was strange.

"Umm yeah, why do you sound so surprised?" I asked her.

"No-nothing, just umm, so he is in contact with you and you people are not fighting or anything, good. I am glad." Katy was sounding anything but natural.

I felt a little pang in the middle of my chest. It was obvious something was up. Katy was hiding something and she did not trust me enough to let me know. Not only that, the possibility of Austin and Katy being together on something had also started to take a solid shape. But I was not ready to be manipulated by what Mr Jairaj had told me. I was not ready to distrust my one and only friend. That too, just because she sounded a little surprised, knowing that Austin had called me to ask for the inhalers.

I decided to get to the bottom of it.

"Yeah, he is going to come around I guess. He is just busy finalizing some big-shot deals, he told me." I lied to Katy. Now that I had made up my mind, making stories wasn't a big deal, not for me.

"Oh" Katy replied.

"I don't know what his deal is with all these inhalers and injections and stuff." I tried to sound as casual as I could but my heartbeats were pumping already. I was scared of finding out something that I might regret finding.

"Injections?" Katy interjected with a sudden shock and I was clenching my fist in nervousness, praying against hope.

"Yeah, when I was looking for the inhalers I found a whole carton full of needles, syringes and shots of some kind."

"I think he has some medical condition. I did not want to snoop on his things or anything, but you know a person is bound to get curious." I was waiting for Katy's response, holding my breath.

"Yeah, of course, anyone would get curious. Ha ha. Umm, Sera, if you want to know what those shots are for, you can give them to me. I have a friend in a pharmacy, he might be able to tell." Katy was sounding so cautious that I could imagine her crunched up face.

"No Katy, its fine, it is not that important. I'll ask him once he is back." I was barely able to put out words and make them sound normal.

"OK, talk to you later, I think I am getting a call from my editor." I disconnected the call in haste even before she could utter a single word.

I remember slumping on the ground after the call. As much as I wanted to deny the possibility of what Mr Jairaj had said last morning, it was becoming more and more plausible. There was a clear possibility of Austin being involved in substance abuse and Katy being aware and involved in it along with him. Which was totally nuts. What was happening around me? I felt as if I could go insane. I have known Katy since we were in Kindergarten. She was the only friend I had ever had. But, suddenly, it felt like I did not even know who she was.

I could understand Austin getting into this for quick money, but why Katy? There was no dearth of money in her family. As far back as I remember, they were more than well to do financially. Her parents were also very kind and warm towards me. It was almost like I had two families. Unless she was an addict. The possibility made my blood go cold. Was Katy going through something terrible and I did not even have any idea about it? I was wallowing in guilt when another thought crept into my head.

Why would she get me involved with Austin if she had an idea about his illegal business?

Was she blackmailed?

But what use was I to Austin?

My head was swimming in the dark swamp of possibilities and confusion. It was so hard to figure what was what and why. It was painful to see the closest relationship I had in my life crack bit by bit. The only relationship that grounded me, gave me the semblance of a human connection. I was a different person in front of my parents. I was caring, happy and sensitive in front of them, the good daughter that they deserved. It was only Katy in front of whom I was closest to what I was and now suddenly it felt that this relationship was unreal as well. Like all others that I had. My only human connection cut. I did not deserve it after all. I was supposed to be on my own.