Surviving Gangster's Love

Homecoming

He pulled up his pants and went out of the room swiftly after the deed, without even as much as a word. I remember walking into the washroom mechanically, washing my face and looking into the mirror. There was still some blood on my lips, it was busted and swollen where he had bitten me. There were red fingerprints on my neck. It was stinging. The cast on my nose was still there. I was looking totally wrecked. If my parents were to see me in that state they would pass out in horror. But for some odd reason, I felt relieved.

I was in no mood to eat anything, so, I just had a little orange juice. Baldie, his name was Ranon. But, I had named him Baldie in my head. He was standing outside the room ready to take me back home. I remember stepping out of the room and looking around me. It was a mansion. Walking next to Baldie, I was looking around in awe. There were men in black with guns at almost every corner, which gave it more of a fortress kind of aura.

I had tried to pull up my collar to cover the bruises on the neck but it was not doing much to hide it. Plus, the condition of my face was already conspicuous. I felt several eyes on me all the way till I exited the mansion.

I was on tenterhooks till the moment I reached my home. Baldie had handed me a phone and made a very bad attempt at apologizing for breaking my phone and my nose. He told me that they had fixed my door and changed the locks. He insisted on dropping me at the door of my apartment, which I found really strange.

"See, Mrs Clements, I wasn't the one who kicked your door open. The one who did it has already been sent away." Baldie said awkwardly.

I nodded in response. Not knowing what to make out from the information. It was followed by an awkward silence. I just wanted him to leave and to get inside my house.

"Since Mr Xi asked me to get a new phone for you, I bought the latest technology. I have also saved my number so you can call me anytime if you need anything." It was getting more and more awkward. I couldn't understand what he was hinting at but I said "alright" just to make him leave.

After dilly-dallying for a while like that, he left, and I entered my house. It felt as if I had returned after ages. The sofa, the bean bag, my kitchen, the carpets, everything, everything seemed like a long lost friend. I slumped on the sofa and remained like that for hours. It felt unreal. The last three days had felt like decades. I would have rather that all of it was just a very twisted fantasy. Fantasy because, for some reason, the incident did not batter me the way it would have any normal person. I remember being confused at myself. I should have felt like a victim but I didn't.

I had always felt that there was something wrong with me. Since I was a kid, there has been a sense of distance that I felt with people around me. I thought it was because I looked different. My Asian features made me the odd one among the blond kids. But gradually I came to realize that it was not just my outward appearance, something on the inside was also odd. As if I felt emotions a lot less in comparison to people around me, as if I was less human than others. Or a damaged piece in the lot.

One of the odd things about me was that I liked pain to an extent. I learned to self-harm in high school from a kid who was suicidal. Quinn was closest to what everybody calls a friend to me, apart from Katy. They were non-binary and having a struggle because of it with their parents. Quinn was interesting, one of the few people with whom I liked to sit and be. I was never suicidal, but there was something about self-inflicted pain. It was closest to what I had experienced in the name of pleasure. It would clear my head, and I could see through the fog that surrounded my senses. The fog that made me feel less, that made me less human. Pain was the only way to feel like a human for me.

What happened with Mr Xi might have been a matter of s****l assault for most people. It could have induced severe trauma in the victim. But for me, as ashamed as I was of being such a thing, it was exhilarating. And what I was afraid of was of anyone getting to know about it. I could never tell Katy about it. Or ever let Mr Xi realize that I was such a regenerate. I was afraid of any human seeing me for what I was, a non-human.

Slumped on the sofa, I was lost in my thoughts. The filth I carried inside me, I had thought I had done enough work to keep it in, but now it was threatening to come out. Then a sound brought me back to the world. It was the new phone, it was ringing. An unnamed number was on the display. Looking at it, I knew it was Katy.

Getting Katy convinced was not very difficult. I told her it was a misunderstanding, a prank of Austin's childhood friends. She always believed whatever I said, so it was just a matter of a few stories. She wanted to come visit me but I dodged it, stating urgent deadlines.

With Papa, it was just a matter of telling him that Austin had to go for an urgent office trip and that we could not make it that week. I talked for a while with mum and I knew it was enough to assure Papa in case he had any doubts.

Settling them both, I tried to return to my life. It was not a complete lie when I mentioned urgent deadlines to Katy. My complete absence for the last three days had left me with a backlog of many emails and pending work. I drowned myself in work to keep my mind away from the slimy something that had started rearing its head ever since that morning's encounter with Mr Xi.

I worked and worked day and night. I cleaned my house and cooked all my meals, never ordering any take aways. I would go for morning runs and exercise in the evenings. Every day I made sure to exhaust myself to the core. My editor was surprised by the development of my novel. With each passing day, the events of those three days felt more and more unreal. There were no calls or messages or any sort of communication from Mr Xi's side. There were times when I felt like being watched while going out grocery shopping, but I never saw any of his men.

Every morning I would get a premonition that something would happen. And every night I would lie down in bed feeling partly disappointed and partly relieved. When I say pain was pleasurable to me, that doesn't mean I wasn't afraid of pain. It hurt like it would hurt anyone else. The physicality of it was scary. I was not sure myself what I really desired. But I was longing for Mr Xi's hands on me. That was one thing I was clear about.

For nine days, I overworked myself, trying to keep my thoughts at bay. With each passing day, the voices in my head were getting louder. Sometimes it said, you were no fun after all. You know nothing about giving pleasure to a man. You will be killed, your organs sold, now that he is not interested in your body anymore, you are done for. At other times it would say but it is good, isn't it? He has forgotten about you, you can live without any fear. You can hide your true self. You are safe.

Then there were traces of Austin left behind in my house. They kept reminding me of him. I was not worried about him at all, he was a bastard. I am sure he had it planned, leaving me behind for Mr Xi to chew and take out his anger on. I had packed all his things in a garbage bag, yet something or other would turn up every now and then.

One evening, I was looking for something. I opened the drawers under the television unit and found a pair of inhalers. They were not mine but I had never seen Austin using them either. I thought of throwing them away and just then heard my doorbell ring.