Zec (COMPLETE)

My best friend is the love of my life... --------------------- I once dreamed of my perfect wedding day when I was a kid. I already planned a specific day; the scenic venue and already picked the right wedding dress – just like what I see in the movies. I promised myself that I will look for "the one" or the "right groom" for me and we will live happily ever after. Sounds easy, right? I entered puberty and met countless of teenage boys, but they didn't impress me to the point that I wanna spend my life with them. I told myself that time, I'm still young and will probably meet my future husband, years from now. Three years passed and at one summer day, before I enter freshmen year of highschool, I never knew that I'll meet someone who will change the dreams I once planned --- re-painted in a different color. She became my best friend and the only person I've ever wanted since then.  Most of us frequently fell in love with our best friends. Having senseful conversations, emotional support, and nonstop escapades. Both of you were inseparable that you always felt alone and lost without them. The bond between you got stronger as time went by. Isn't it great to have someone that understands you and accepts you just who you are? Being with them, you are vulnerable and strong at the same time.  The friendship with my best friend began with an admiration and a special connection. We almost have similar personality and hobbies, maybe that's why we clicked right away. Someone said that once you felt butterflies in your stomach every time your special someone is talking to you, and when you always think of them or you easily misses them even after only a day apart, it's a sign that you are falling in love with them. And I felt all of that with her. I think that I fell in love with her. And I began to die a little more inside every time she flirted with someone else. It's not easy to become aware of the truth. There's a little difference between loving and falling in love. One day, when we're talking and while I was looking at her beautiful face, I realized that I'm not simply seeing her as my best friend anymore. I'm staring at someone who makes my world a dreamy kind of place. I wanted her more than she'll ever know. Listening to her dreams and the adventures she wanted to take, made me hope that she'll be sharing those journeys with me. I wanted to watch all of her dreams come true.  I dreamed of expressing my feelings to her. But I am too scared to take the risk. I'm afraid that it will ruin our friendship. I kept pretending that I'm just her best friend, that my feelings don't exist, to avoid complicating things between us. It's more okay to love her in secret rather than losing her completely. I didn't even know if she somehow knew about it--- that I am always loving her with all my heart. My mind couldn't think of anything else and I am so scared to feel this way.  Our close friends noticed my strange behaviors towards her, since that day I became aware of my true feelings. A day without her is meaningless and I always miss her. Every time we're apart, I couldn't wait to hang out with her again. And when she's being sweet towards me, I couldn't help but hope that she might felt the same way as I do. I let all my chances passed by. If only I said my feelings out loud before, then maybe, just maybe, we had a chance to be together. I felt an unexplainable pain when she found someone else. I accepted that I lost my chance and just continued loving her privately. I saw her fell in love more each day to that girl! But still, my feelings for her didn't die. I convinced myself that someday we'll have a chance, so I locked her in my heart where no one else could steal her. But then I knew that the more I suppressed my feelings for her, the more it grew. It became so hard to pretend that I just love her as my best friend.  I always looked away to avoid seeing how much she's happy with that someone else. I always kept reminding myself that she'll never be mine. I didn't know love will make you foolish. We promised not to keep secrets from each other, but here I am lying to her and to myself. I hated it when she cried every time her girl hurt her. I wish I could show her in every way how much I love her. I wished that she'll soon realize that she could choose me over that girl who keeps on hurting her. Isn't it too ironic? The one I love was in love with someone else that will never love her back the way I do. If I could just stop myself from falling in love! But, how could I? She's my everything! Too bad, I love her the way she loves her girl and she loved me in a way as her older sister. When would she ever know that she's torturing me inside? I couldn't bear this agony in silence anymore! When could I ever have the courage to say, "I love you and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you"?