Her Up-Date

Her thoughts; keeps wandering back to him, again and again. Distorted pictures... distorted thoughts...distorted memories. Why now? Why tell her now, is what she can't stop thinking? It's not like it's going to change anything, because none of us are interested in counting losses, and she is definitely tired of endless surprises and uncontrollable lurking eyes and thirsty loins always hunting her and with it the haunting thoughts of the after-effects on her dignity enough to make her question her own personal reputation and the dent on her personal dignity, but somehow she is not seen that way among these very judgmental group people. To them, it's a love or lust conquest... like a fun love sport or a lust adventure, but I am the object of these very unfair lusts or love games and, as the object, it is not very fun from my perspective. As far as I'm concerned, I am the only person not having fun, nor laughing about it either. In fact, I have been tortured by all of it. The people that I love or loved have been badly hurt emotionally and in other ways that words can not explain. Reached my breaking points, over and over again. She has lost interest in the normalcy of a regular relationship, a simple date or a date night out, the casual sleepover or the decency of an innocent hotel room sleepover(s). The actual dread is closing her eyes, not from nightmares... no, but from her newest love gift or gifts wrapped around the pretty gift-wrapper that has now become my pretty womb... that has the record-breaking history of producing strong muscled handsome sons, from the slenderest of pretty boys to the knuckled-head finest of the biker bad boys of its best kind... the cleverest of foxes... the sharpest of minds and the creative wolves alike. Well, I am only amazed to see what the male versions of me are like, what my hormones and impulses turn male versions of me into or turn them into... the wonder that has made me come to adore every single one of them formed out of my seeds. The epitomes of pure beauty, strength, intelligence, always a step ahead of the one before... simply amazed. While she's not gushing over her adorable surprises... the actual surprise is how viciously every one of them is at protecting her and loving her to death is an understatement. In shock, she wonders why every one of them is attracted to her... their mother. Now, in their defense, they righteously did not know, or they may have loved her the same way but mostly with caution... a topic she often distracts herself from thinking too deeply about. She is not offended by her own children, but everyone else is apparently judged differently. An obvious truth that she will not apologize for, they are hers... The loved ones are favored... she is sentimental and the sensitivity of the topic in general makes her insecure. Ok. Her most recent struggle has been crawling out of the pit that such lust and love games have created for her. She had nothing to do with the invention of such hurtful games. How does she fix it all... all the wreckage... the damages... the countless separations... the bitter betrayals... the meaningless wars. Friends turned enemies... families torn completely apart... innocence tinted with stains of greed... back-stabs covered with sweetened words of deceit... pleasures turned sour with sharp tastes of bitter lies. These are the different branches of dishonorable cold-washed and darkened straws of seemingly endless webs of viciously crafted plots, since birth and tossed in the very middle, to feel every chill... every spit... every scorn... every bitterness, every jest... every shame without any cover, no shield at all... completely bared in the middle of the war she doesn't know how it all started nor who they really hate nor love. Love? That's a strange word... well, she keeps running around completely bare... ashamed, but she can't feel anymore... everyone comes for something. Another piece of torn flesh for another piece of disgrace... She smiles... but she can't feel a thing. She looks, but she hopes she doesn't see another disappointment. She dances... but she hopes nobody is watching her lack of enthusiasm. She bats her lashes... but hopes she's not looking at another lie, waiting for another friend of hers to jet off with. She listens... but hopes he can stop promising things that he is not going to do. She is tired... very, very tired! She recently let go of her other family members. She allowed that, to allow peace into her heart again, from the wars of the heart that no one ever wins... with that comes allowing peace for the sake of the one she loves. Save her heart from the constant tug and pull with no mercy in sight. Best to save her strength in hopes of love that can be shown in the future, to make sure she doesn't run out of love by the time it's needed in the future. The reasonable hope, enough to keep her heart occupied with thoughts of the future, when love can run around wildly free with no restrictions... without debates... free from arguments... filled with more laughters and more mature adventures and conquests.