Phoenix (Book Two of the Forbidden Trilogy)

Chapter Five: Impossible

Celeste

            For a moment, I thought I’d died and gone to heaven because it felt like I was adrift on a cloud.  I was so comfortable surrounded by softness and warmth.  It was entirely different from what I was used to and I didn’t want to wake up.  I liked it here in the in-between.

            The bed I’d grown up on had been small, hard and uncomfortable.  Often, my bed—one of the few possessions I had—was taken away if I acted out, did or didn’t do something Victor approved or disapproved of, or didn’t exceed his expectations.  Basically, if he was unhappy with me for any reason, my bed was the first thing to go.  I ended up sleeping more often than not on the hard, cold floor or propped up against the wall.

            This bed was a luxury, and I couldn’t say I wasn’t afraid of losing it.  I wasn’t sure how Nikolai would react if I failed at some task.  Or how any of the other men in Constance’s life would react.  Would they get angry?  Yell?  Hit?  Start taking these little luxuries away?  Before Nikolai, I only knew how Victor reacted.  Nikolai had protected me from Victor, but if I crossed Nikolai, would he act in the same mannerisms?  I was afraid of the answer.  I didn’t want to get my hopes up that he would be different.  As far as I was concerned, all men acted in the same ways as Victor if pushed far enough.

            Yet, Gabriel hadn’t.

            Shaking my head, I decided not to dwell on Gabriel’s reaction and how unexpected it had been.  He was still a demon.  Still evil.  Still untrustworthy.

            Slowly, I rolled out of bed and made my way to the restroom where I eyed the shower-bath combo.  I’d ever only known cold, quick showers.  Baths were only a fantasy I’d ever read about in a handful of books.

            Nikolai had said there was no rush today, to take my time.  Get some rest.  Take care of myself—though I wasn’t sure what all of that consisted of.  Was a bath considered taking care of myself?  Should I dare take a bath over a shower?

            Well, this would be a good way to test the waters with Nikolai.  To see if he was just as calm and patient as he had expressed so far, or if there were certain boundaries and expectations he expected from me.  Like, did he really mean I could ‘take my time’, or did it mean within his own time constraints?

            Unable to help myself, I decided to fill the bathtub.  Today, for the first time, I believed I had time to waste and I was excited to experience a hot bath for myself.  I’d heard they were calming and soothing, and that was definitely something I needed right now.

            As the bath filled with steaming water, I put my hair into a quick messy bun and then started shuffling around in the cabinets and drawers curiously, wondering what kinds of things Constance had.  In one of the cabinets I found a cute box labeled bath bombs.  Curious about what they were, I read the instructions on the back wondering why a bomb would be needed in the bathroom.  Come to find out, they were for the bath.  Intrigued, I took the bright blue ball with sparkles and plopped it into the water and watched in fascination as it disintegrated into bright frothing bubbles.

            Hopping into the bath, I sank under the water leaving only my head dry and sighed in content.  The heat permeated my skin and muscles, easing tensions in my shoulders, neck and back.  It was indeed very calming and soothing, and I never wanted to get out.  I would definitely have to do this often!

            I wasn’t sure how long I stayed in there for, enjoying the hot water and the way it caressed my body, but I stayed in long after the water turned cold.  Since I was used to cold water on my body, it didn’t bother me too much.

            Finally, I decided I’d dallied enough.  Getting out, I dried myself off with one of the softest towels I’d ever felt and made my way to the closet where I found a variety of beautiful, colorful clothes.  Pants, shirts, frilly things.  I didn’t know what to call some of the items I found, but all were wonderful to touch.  I’d never owned anything like what was in this closet and I wasn’t sure how to dress.  Based off of what Constance had worn last night, during the bitter cold of winter, how was I supposed to know how she dressed on a daily basis?

            Well, this closet was filled with items she wore, I reasoned.  Regardless of what I chose, it shouldn’t matter.  Picking out jeans and a simple long sleeve shirt, I got dressed.  Slipping on a pair of colorful socks, I made my way out of the sanctuary of Constance’s room.  Stepping into the hallway, I wasn’t sure really where to go.  The hallway seemed endless and both ends of the hall didn’t dead end.  However, to the left, I heard a lot of verbal commotion.  Turning in that direction, I started to follow the noise, looking at the pictures hung up on the walls as I went.

            There were several pictures of wolves that looked professionally taken and I wondered if these were all wolves from Erwin’s pack. I couldn’t help but wonder who had taken them?  Were they from random photographers who’d caught pack members roaming the area and the pack had found them in searches on google and printed them out for fun?  Or was one of them a photographer?  All of them were gorgeous.  Some of them were close ups of the face, eyes sharp and focused on whoever was the photographer, while others were more distant shots of one or more of the wolves in motion.  Some even looked like they were hunting.

            Amongst these wolf pictures were the werewolves in their human forms, and I quickly noticed Constance was in many of them.  In all of them, they were smiling, laughing, happy.  In many of them they were roughhousing or playing around.  There was one where two of the pack members were tossing Constance off a large rock into a lake.  Another, they were out in the snow, having a snowball fight.  And in yet another, one of the pack members was chasing Constance through the house with a running water hose.

            All of them looked so strange to me, yet at the same time intriguing.  Fun.  Again, I’d heard about it, but it was all just a myth, a fantasy.  A dream.  A dream she had lived.  One I had never been allowed to have.  One, I was afraid to have, because if I was put back into my cell hidden under Victor’s home those dreams would slowly drive me to insanity, they would slowly kill me.

            It was safer not to dream.  Not to allow myself to have fun.

            But she did look full of life, vigor and vitality.  There was a spark in her eyes, one that was absent in mine.  Even though I was in her own body, there was a difference.  And I wasn’t sure if I would be able to ever fake that kind of happiness in her eyes, because I’d never felt that kind of emotion.  It had been beaten out of me whenever I smiled, laughed. I'd been punished for having such feelings. For having dreams...

            Victor made sure I was empty.  Filled with everything but happiness and life and vigor and vitality.  I was a weapon of war.  That was all I would ever be until this business was done.  Then, and only then, would I be able to ever pursue happiness—

            Suddenly, a voice directly behind me spoke.  “Constance?”

            I started, spinning around, readying for an attack.  But I slipped in my socks and slammed back against the wall. The pictures fairly shook at the force. I tried regaining my balance, tried readying myself for anything. Instead of being met with a surprise attack though, an amused grin from a tawny haired, green eyed werewolf met my gaze.  From what I’d been told, this had to be Erwin.  He definitely fit the description Nikolai had given.

            Placing a hand over my pounding heart, I exclaimed, “You scared me!”  It seemed right, that explanation, even though I wanted to keep my mouth shut and forget I’d shown any kind of weakness. My cheeks were flushing from an unknown emotion.

            Erwin’s smile deepened mischievously.  “Either you are losing your touch, or something is on your mind,” he mused teasingly before pulling me into a gentle hug.  I tensed, not used to any physical touch.  But as he held me, I felt myself relaxing.  I could literally feel the affection and adoration seeping from him and into me.  There was a calming effect from being held in my cousin’s arms for the first time, which again was confusing.  Victor had preached that my entire family were distant, evil.  They had never wanted me. They had abandoned me. Yet, I didn’t feel any of that evilness he spoke of.  And I definitely knew what evil felt like.  I’d been around enough of it in the form of demons for most of my life.

            But, then again, I was Constance here. Not Celeste.

            Once I relaxed into him, he let go and tucked me under his arm, both of us staring at the wall of pictures.  My shoulders were tense, but he didn't seem to notice. Or he just didn't care. He pointed to the one where Constance was being thrown into the lake.  “You've always loved Mystic Lake.  It’s one of those places we always tended to visit a lot.  You remember why Jordan and Mark were throwing you in, right?” he smirked down at me.

            I shook my head, not trusting my voice at the moment.  

            “You’d put cat litter in their sandwiches.”

            “I did!?” I exclaimed, wrinkling my nose. The outburst, again, had felt natural. Why? Why was this feeling natural!? This wasn't me! There had to be some kind of lingering aftereffects from Constance's soul.

            He chuckled.  “It wasn’t dirty cat litter, silly.  But, yes.  You did that.  And so they chased you down and threw you in the lake.”

            How awful!  How could Constance have done that—

            “But, you three are always going back and forth with each other.  Thinking up of ways to torture each other.  I mean, they had dumped honey all over you the night before and covered you with feathers.  It’s not like they didn’t deserve it,” he shrugged, his gaze resting lovingly on the picture.

            Goodness!  It all sounded horrifying!  I hoped this Mark and Jordan didn’t do anything like that with me … Not only would I not know how to react, I wouldn’t know how to respond like Constance.

            “And here,” he pointed to the one in the snow.  “We had separated the pack into two groups and built snow forts and had a snowball fight.  Your team won.  Though, I swear you guys cheated somehow.”  His ribbing wasn’t something I was used to and I wasn’t sure how to respond.  I smiled and nodded awkwardly. Where was Nikolai to help me out of this predicament?

            “Maybe that’s something we can do soon,” Erwin mused.  “But have our pack vs. Nikolai’s.  What do you think?” he asked, looking down at me.

            What did I think?  I could feel my heart starting to race, the panic sinking in.  What would Constance think?  Taking a deep breath, I forced my voice to remain calm and even.  “I would like that.”

            “And maybe you could pick up that camera of yours again.  I know photography helped a lot after what happened with Keith.”  I felt my shoulders tense again at the onslaught of new information he was laying on me.  Had Constance taken all those wolf photos?  And who in the hell was Keith!?

            Ugh!  I hated how Constance had pulled the wool over my eyes!  Somehow, when she’d willingly given herself over to me, her life’s memories hadn’t revealed themselves as I’d been told would happen.  Probably due to the fact she’d split her soul and buried half of it in her womb!  She hadn't been killed entirely. What I should have learned from the overtake of her soul was inaccessible, which was another reason I was so inadequate for the job at hand.

            All of her memories, the ones hanging on the walls and the ones about this Keith, should have become mine when I'd snuffed out her light.  That’s how soul possessions were supposed to work!

            “Maybe it can help you get through this confusing and stressful time.”  He looked pointedly down at my stomach and I squirmed a little, unsure of why I did so.  “C’mon, Nikolai is in the kitchen waiting for you.”  He dropped his arm and I followed him to the kitchen where—to my dismay—many pack members sat around a very large table.  The damn thing fit all of them, though they all made the table look tiny.  They were enjoying a feast of raw steaks and fresh blood.

            “Well if it isn’t sleeping beauty!” one of them called out.

            “Mark,” Erwin warned.

            “What?” Mark asked innocently, winking at me.

            “Over here little one,” Nikolai stood up so I could easily spot him.  He must have sensed my discomfort.  Trying to keep my pace even, I made my way over to him and took a seat.  Erwin took the other empty seat next to me.  Between them, I felt a buffer from all the commotion and ribbing going on from the rest of the pack members.

            As I ate in silence, I watched on as Erwin’s pack—and part of Nikolai’s pack—bickered, fought and argued with each other at the table.  All of it was in good fun, I guess.  No one really tried to kill the other, even when a small brawl broke out between two of the opposing pack members.  Was this considered fun? The laughing and cheers that ensued indicated that it was. But I wasn't entirely convinced.

            And then I heard Constance’s name mentioned in an argument Mark and Jordan were having about chores.  “You know, Constance should do it!  She’s staying here now.  She should share in the pack’s responsibilities.”

            Oh crap!  How was I supposed to respond to this?  Was Mark teasing me, or was he being serious?  I couldn’t tell.  As the silence stretched on, I realized they were all waiting for a response from me.  All eyes were on me and it took everything I had not to turn and flee.  It took even more not to fidget, to show any sign of discomfort.

            Breathing, I finished my bite and calmly set down my utensil.  Looking at the challenger, I stated, “You shirking your responsibilities and trying to pawn them off speaks volumes about your lack of character and morals.”

            There were several oohs heard around the table and Jordan elbowed Mark in the ribs, laughing.  “Damn you’re feisty tonight!”

            Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Nikolai nod subtly, a small smirk playing on his lips and I felt the tightness in my chest ease.  I’d done it!  I’d reacted like Constance!  I could do … Feisty.

            A small smile broke out on my face and it felt odd, but nice at the same time.  There had been so few times I’d ever smiled, and most of them had been when I was younger.  As we all continued eating, the rowdiness around the table continued.  Listening carefully, I learned everyone’s name.

            I don’t know why, but I felt a pull towards Mark and Jordan.  Maybe Constance had been closer to them than I realized and I was feeling that familiarity?  Could her implanted soul be reacting to them and their closeness?

            After everyone was done eating, Nikolai excused us and took me out the back where we wandered off into the surrounding trees.  When we were far enough away not to be heard, Nikolai broke the silence.  “Good job back there, you nearly had me convinced you were Constance.”

            The compliment felt good.  It reassured me I was blending in. And, I was glad I had made him happy.

            “I think this will be a lot easier than you had imagined.”

            “Thank you.”

            “But?” he encouraged.

            It was still baffling to me how he just knew I wasn’t telling everything.  “I just feel, out of my depth.  I’m glad I was convincing tonight, but I don’t know if I will be the next time.”

            “Well, luckily you have an excuse not to really be ‘yourself’, due to the baby dilemma.”  When I didn’t acknowledge his statement, he continued.  “Just try not to overthink it.  Tell me how you got through dinner, when Mark was teasing you?  Did you think like Constance, or did you think like yourself?”

            I contemplated his answer.  “More like myself I guess.”  I hoped he wouldn’t be angry that I wasn’t ‘personifying’ Constance entirely.

            “You may find this hard to believe, but you and Constance are very similar.  I don’t think you will have a hard time at all in convincing most that you are her.  Your only drawback would be your under developed powers.  Others will notice that lack of confidence and expertise and will question it.  So, for now, I think we should focus more on your physical powers and mental training.”

            As much as I wanted that security blanket, of picking Nikolai’s brain and getting more of an idea of who Constance really was, I knew he was right.  I could play the pregnancy card and hide behind the stress of who the baby daddy was for my ‘off’ moods or incorrect responses.  However, when it came to Constance’s powers, there was no way I would be able to play that off.

            “We will do two sessions a day.  One in the morning and one in the late afternoon until I feel you are exhibiting your powers well enough to pass off as Constance.  I expect you to wake up at dawn and be ready an hour after, fed, dressed, and ready to go.  This training is going to be rigorous and very different than what you are used to.  It is going to drain you emotionally, mentally and physically.

            “After your morning session, you will return to the cabin, eat and rest for at least an hour.  After that, you will have some time for yourself." Time for myself? What was time for myself? What did that mean? I would have to ask him.  "Then we will start back up at five and again, after we are done you will eat and rest for the night.”  By the way he paused, he thought I would have some kind of rebuttal to his instructions.  Honestly, though, I was used to a stricter set of rules, ones that were far more rigorous and draining.

            "What do you mean by 'time for myself'?"

            He studied me, and I swore I saw a pang of sadness in his eyes but it was gone before I could confirm it. "It means you can do whatever you want to. You can sleep more. Take a bath. Try your hand at Constance's camera. Try something you've always wanted to do, but haven't. Like painting. Or kickboxing. Go shopping and get yourself some new clothes." He shrugged.

              Okay... I was intrigued by this. “What twist of controller powers did she express?”

            Furrowing his brows at my lack of push back, he answered my question.  “Her powers were different than any other in your family.  On top of the ‘usual’ controller characteristics, she could channel others powers.  She didn’t necessarily have to have a bond in order to express them, she just had to be near that individual.  And if she did have a bond, she was able to express those powers more effectively and efficiently.  Just to give you an idea of how powerful she was, she was able to control Ulysses.”

            Oh dear lord.  I was f****d.  If she was able to control Ulysses …  No wonder I’d stood no chance against her.

            “Chances are, you are capable of doing the same thing since you are twins," he encouraged.

            The only thing was, she’d had a lot more time to hone her skills.  A lot more time to explore her powers.  I, in comparison, only had a handful of months.  This was going to be impossible.  No matter what encouragements Nikolai had to offer, or how much we trained, it wasn’t going to be enough.  I just hoped that whatever I was able to learn would be enough to satisfy Victor.