Prologue.
22/02/2020
I promise If I could change, I would. I would at least try to. Not because I want to, but because the ‘others’ would like it better. They want it. They think that something inside of me is wrong, probably broken maybe. Honestly, I feel humane. I feel just fine in my own oblivion. Like, I don’t like dancing in the rain. I just wanna stand still and feel those tiny droplets cut through my skin. Nah, I don’t like going on cars with speed either, I like going slow like I’m walking. And then feel the wind on my face at its own pace. Sounds so good right? I mean like so poetic and so . . . just perfect maybe.
I’ve had these moments, in my head a million times. Because the reality is something else.
The reality is more like; the cold bathroom floor, tap running, filling the bathtub up. Hang on, the water is overflowing. A blade-stained scarlet in my hand with my inner thigh red hot and numb. Cheeks stained with tears. I take the blade near the same cut I made, once again. It opens the healing cut and more blood gushes out. Freely. The water’s making too much noise. So I cry.
It’s more like sand, Yeah my feet on the field as I push the ground behind me trying to get ahead. Ahead from everyone and everything. By the time I realize that my lungs need air and stop. It feels like I’ve gone too far from the things I most despise.
Like the joint, I overfilled with dope that I rolled and touched to my lips. Corrupting a very own clean soul of mine, It felt really good though. As all that smoke went into my system, touched my lungs, and came back out. I felt the little burn, It made me feel much alive, much normal. Cause the other kids were doing it too.
And then it was just me again, Looking at myself in the mirror. Me with dying eyes, the me who was messing everything up, who was changing, whom I didn’t even recognize to console. But, I whispered “I got you” to myself and wiped those tears away.
The office was dark except for my cabin, I was there and it was 5 am. I was trying to make it, what others didn’t believe I could. But, I did it while my mind kept asking “Why the burden” and I never had an answer to it.
Do you know when all was right for me? It was when I was in this nice little dark wet place. And I was crouched with my eyes closed shut. Food and water were on time plus I was sleeping the whole time. But then, one day all the water and darkness started to move me, I thought it was rocking me. But, it was actually pushing me out. And then there were these faint hearings, voices. It was so quiet all the time inside that hearing voices was terrifying. It all felt so wrong! My already crouched body passed through something very hard on either side, I guess they were bones. A second later, My eyelids turned hot pink. It was burning and cold and so so exposed. I heard louder voices, there were claps and squeals from people around. Scared, I cried.
They say there is this really really thin line, between sanity and insanity. And mine blurred long ago. Before I could even figure it out, trust me it did no good.
By the way, Hi! I am Isis and you just witnessed my birth there the last part you know where everything was good. And the other things, they weren’t even half the events of my life. But, I wasn’t always whatever I am now; I was many things, I was a lot of sunshine, a little hurricane at times. But not this, not this.
