Life is not a dream

Pushing me away

"Come on, Sean, she is the one you love." 

Is that confirmation of my suspicions that he loved me?

That night I ran off the stage even faster than the last few times. I felt my legs tremble and I couldn't keep up. I completely forgot to breathe. I couldn't wait until I sat down and caught my breath.

I sat there in my seat with my eyes shining as I watched him come towards me. I wanted so badly to feel the warmth of His body around me. I needed His presence to cheer me up.

I was surprised when he changed course and went to sit at another table talking to other people. I didn't understand the reason for that attitude. Before we were called to sing we were having such a pleasant conversation and thought we would continue, after all we haden´t finished it.

I tried not to give up that attitude for Sean's pate. Someone probably called him and he didn't want to be nasty. It had been a few weeks since we talked with anyone but the two of us.

Quickly reality fell on me like a strong avalanche that swallows me and destroys me.  Sean's attitudes have returned to his old being. Cold and unpleasant. The malicious and painful jokes replaced the soft and sweet words that made me so happy.  A great deal of pain ravaged my heart. I didn't understand why he suddenly changed his behavior.

I needed to gather all my strength so as not to collapse at that moment and allow my face to be invaded by my tears that threatened to escape my eyes. 

I took a deep breath and adopted a blank, no-feelings expression. I tried at all costs not to show the pain and sadness I was feeling.

Feeling completely beset by these new feelings I decided to head to my sister Bete while she was talking to Michael. I didn't want to get in the way of the conversation so I sat there and pretended to pay attention to the environment around me, but my thoughts were far away.

I was plucked from my thoughts when I heard the name Sean being uttered by Michael as he spoke to Bete.

"Sean is quite shy to talk to women although it doesn't seem to be so. It turns out that when he truly likes a woman he doesn't know how to react near her, he feels out of his environment and afraid she won't feel the same way about him so the way he has to protect himself is to treat her badly, the worst he can. It's impossible for them to know that he's actually falling for her."

At that moment there was light on me. All the stupid jokes Sean had made for me. His rude way of talking to me was just his way of protecting himself from his feelings for me. In my head there was constant repetition of Mark's phrase "Come on, Sean, she is the one you love."   and Michael's words "Sean is shy to talk to women although it doesn't seem to be like that. It turns out that when he truly likes a woman he doesn't know how to react around her, feels out of his environment and afraid that she doesn't feel the same way about him so the way he has to protect himself is to treat her badly, the worst he can. It's impossible to know that he's actually falling for her."

 My head kept spinning.

The ground beneath my feet began to disappear into a whirlwind that was slowly swallowing me and I felt my whole body faint. I still don't know how I managed to stay conscious. Maybe it was Sean's look on me. His gaze was no longer as cold as I thought. It was a sad look.  I realized then that the speed with which I fled the stage somehow must have hurt him and hence the change of attitude.

After how that night ended, I was afraid we'd go back to square one and he wouldn't call again, but luckily I was wrong. We went back to talking on the phone and exchanging messages, but the atmosphere between us was strange again. He'd moved away from me again. We entered a stage that looked more like a roller coaster with all its ups and downs, but had already decided to endure and accept this attitude. To show him that I was willing to wait for him to feel safe and that he wasn't winged at all.

You don't have to know that talking is a lot easier than to do. The increasingly unreasonable attitudes were confusing me. On the one hand, I had already convinced myself that he loved me, but at the same time I could not completely remove the doubts that plagued me about his feelings.

Now he seemed to really like me and did not look at the means to demonstrate and then sudenly was cold and only knew how to get away.

One night I was submerged in a great sadness and depression that not even a simple smile could excape from me. This sadness in my eyes did not go unnoticed to Sean who followed me all over the bar always keeping the closest to me and trying to understand what was going on, but the truth is that even I did not know. As usual there was always someone who came to meddle in our midst and give his malicious guesses...

I walked through the whole bar (which wasn't big), jumping from chair to chair trying to have some peace and quiet. The only company I really wanted was Sean, but besides him there was always someone who followed us and I wasn't in the mood to be listening to them. Little by little I noticed myself outside the bar breathing the cold air that was ingrained in my warm body. Silently to me I prayed that Sean would not break the chain of events and join me outside the bar. I wanted him to sit with me and warm me up and take comfort.

Just as I secretly wished he came to meet me, but contrary to what he had done inside the bar that always were very close to me this time he kept a certain distance. I'd look at him and secretly in my head, yelling at him to hold me and snuggle me up. That's all I needed.

To my sadness that wasn't his attitude. He questioned me over and over again about what was going on with me, but I didn't have an answer to give him. I didn't know what was putting me in that depressed state. I just felt sad without an apparent reason.

"Tell me what's wrong with you." I hear Sean asking.

"Nothing's going on.” I answered by looking at him trying to smile.

"You don't look good at all. You're sad and I can see that. Why are you sad." Sean continued to question.

"I don't know, i don't know. Today I'm just like that, but I don't know why."

"Was it something I did?" He questions again.

My mind is racing right now. I wanted to tell him that yes, that it was because of him, because I loved him and needed him near me and not a meter away as he was. I wanted him to touch me, hug me and kiss me, but none of this seemed to be close to happening.

"No, Sean, it's nothing you've done." I ended up answering with a slightly ruder voice. I looked into his eyes, trying to show him what was in my soul, but his look was strange. I couldn't figure out what his look was telling me and nothing made me predict what would come from there.

"You want to be alone, don't you?" It was the last thing I wanted him to say and I was so frustrated and angry that I didn't even think twice before I answered him.

"That's right."

 At that moment Sean gets up and heads to the bar without ever looking back. A sudden and strong urge to cry took hold of me, but I could not cry. They'd eventually realize i'd been crying and didn't want to be asked any more questions.  As I re-searched my head, the conversation with Sean was overwhelmed by strong anger and frustration. How come he didn't realize what I wanted and what I needed. It was very present in my eyes. I could have sworn he'd noticed, but his attitude showed otherwise.

One more step back in our unknown relationship.