Controlled

Six: Nightmares end

Lukas didn’t force me along, but I had the feeling he might if I didn’t follow, and so I did. He led me confidently down twists and turns until we came to a stop outside a door. His door. My heart was pounding in my chest so hard and so rapidly that I thought it was going to stop.

Lukas raised his hand to knock, but, before he could, the door opened with such intensity that the hinges let out a squeak. I saw, after a second, that it had actually come off of its hinges, and that Will stood there, holding it by a deformed doorknob by his hand.

But I hardly noticed that. I was looking at him instead.

He was perfect, just as I remembered him to be. His face was so beautiful that it made my chest hurt, and I thought of how his face had twisted when I’d hurt him the last time we were together.

His eyes were staring at me, and they were huge, and I tried not to look at them. I looked to his hand, which was crushing the doorknob, and soon it became small, the metal completely compressed in his hand.

Will let the door go, pushed it off to the side, and I watched it fall to the ground before I dared meet his gaze. When I did, we studied one another, both fascinated, caught up in something I couldn’t even understand. It was just impossible to look away.

Lukas cleared his throat, breaking the hypnotism, and I blinked. Will’s hands shook at his sides. “Cassie,” he said roughly. “I thought that I smelled…”

I couldn’t respond. I glanced away, and still, his eyes were penetrating me. It was as though I had forgotten English.

“What are you doing here?” Will said.

I glanced at Lukas and found my voice. “I didn’t have much of a choice.”

Will took a step forward, and Lukas took one back, raising his hands in surrender. “Did he hurt you?” Will demanded.

“She’s fine,” Lukas said. “I learned my lesson with the wrist. I found her down the east wing.”

“What? Cassie, you came back here on your own?” Will said.

“It’s not for you,” I snapped, crossing my arms and glaring at the ground.

“I’m going to go,” Lukas said. Neither one of us responded to that, to which Lukas just sighed and disappeared.

We stood in silence for a few beats of my heart.

“You’re so nervous,” he said quietly and then paused before stepping aside, out of the doorway. “Come in.”

“Are you stable?” I asked, glancing at the mutilated door.

“I couldn’t hurt you,” he said.

I had known that. I also knew I wasn’t being fair, but I didn’t know what to say. All I understood in regards to Will was my anger, and everything else was a mystery.

With a set of my jaw, I stepped inside of his room.

It was, surprisingly, not red. The fact took me aback for a moment before I accepted it and then went on to observe the rest of the interior. Will’s room was strategically unthematic. Overall, it looked like chaos, but each section of his room seemed to have its own order and code.

Looking to the left corner, farthest from me, I saw a bookshelf with old trinkets and photos nearby of items that resembled them. It was an area of antiques. And then, to my left, closest to me, I saw a desk with a phone, its charger, and a laptop. He kept things in clusters, in ways that he thought they fit.

There was so much to look at, so many little things that held meaning to him, which he had kept over the years, that I couldn’t find anything to stare at. Deciding to lessen my focus, I instead just went to look over the furniture he had. Will had a bed with a green comforter, an ottoman that was black, several bookcases, and a beige couch. That was all I could handle to look at right now.

I glanced over at Will, finding him staring at me. “What?” I said, looking away.

“Could I…” He paused, bringing my gaze back curiously. “Could I touch you?”

“Um, what the hell?” I demanded.

“Just hug you,” he said, pain seeping into his words. “Just for a moment, please?”

I took one look at the desperation on his face and cracked. “Fine,” I grumbled. “But just for a second.”

Moving too fast for my eyes to register, as apparently he was unable to stop himself, Will came right in front of me and then, with the gentlest touch, a touch I wouldn’t have expected from someone that just ripped a door off its hinges by accident, he brought his hands to the top of my back and lightly brushed himself up against me. I could’ve gotten out of the hold if I wanted to, but I stayed.

And my body betrayed me.

My hands, even the bad one, went to the small of his back, and I leaned my head against his hard chest. All of the tension left his body at once, Will relaxing against me, and I felt him lean down slightly to rest his head on my hair.

We stood like that for some time, breathing one another in. To be honest, it lasted a lot longer than “just a second,” but I wasn’t even thinking of that. Strangely, I was thinking of nothing, not even Will exactly; I just felt a peace right then. It was as though every worry had left me, as though we had left this world together and entered another, better one where my parents didn’t die, and we weren’t enemies, and everything was perfect.

Will shocked me by pulling back first. He must have seen the confusion on my face because he lightly told me, “I wanted to see your eyes.”

I wasn’t sure what to say to that, but my reaction was to avert my gaze. I slowly walked forward, away from him, and took a seat on his bed. My mind was racing, trying to process what had just happened… why I had let it happen.

We both were quiet for a few seconds, and then Will said, “Thank you.”

I almost asked what for, and then I remembered he’d asked for the hug, and I just nodded. “Yeah… Do you feel, um, better?”

His feet very slowly came towards me, so slowly that, at any time, I could’ve protested the movement, but I didn’t, and soon he came to sit beside me. There was a foot of space separating our bodies.

“Yes, much better,” he said. He stiffened suddenly. “Your arms. Why are you hurt? Lukas said he didn’t—”

“The burns?” I guessed and sighed. “Another witch encounter.”

“What?” he said, furious.

“It’s fine. We got away.”

He’d been getting worked up but paused momentarily in his fury. “We?” he asked.

“That’s why I’m here,” I admitted. “My… friend and I aren’t safe out there.”

He thought for a few seconds, then said, “The witches were never after you, were they?”

I nodded. “Yes. They wanted him.”

“But why are the witches after your friend?” Will asked.

“Because his mother was a witch,” I said, and Will grew quiet beside me, suddenly understanding. Witches weren’t allowed to have male children. If they did, they were to kill them. Everyone knew this.

The way Andy had told me the story, his mother had left her coven to go to school and met his father. They fell in love, and he was born. His mother couldn’t bear to give him up, and somehow, one day, the witches learned about his existence. They killed his mother, and Andy had been on the run since he was eleven.

Will sighed. “I never agreed with that policy of theirs.”

I glanced at him briefly, happy to see that he seemed to mean his words, since it really was a disgusting thing the witches had. My gaze went forward. “The two of us met each other soon after my parents died, and we’ve been together ever since. We have nowhere else to go.”

“You can always stay here. We will keep the both of you safe. What’s your friend’s name?”

“Andy,” I told him.

“Andy. All right.” He then paused, not briefly, but for a good ten seconds. He said, “I’m glad you’re back.”

It was my turn to be quiet. There were things I was wondering, most of which I didn’t know how to ask, but I had to know. “Will,” I said, “was… I mean, was Sam right? Did it hurt?”

Will didn’t immediately respond, and the paranoid part of me figured it was because he was attempting to construct a lie. But when he did finally open his mouth, he did it through a conflict in his eyes, saying, “It was difficult when you were gone.”

“And did it hurt?”

“Yes.”

          It was strange to me. I realized right then that I could be a very powerful weapon against these things that I hated. I had actually hurt him, someone that couldn’t be beaten, that had true influence in this new world. But the thought bothered me, and I found myself saying, “I’m sorry.”

He hadn’t expected it. “What?” he said.

I wasn’t sure how to respond. “I—I mean, I’m not a sadist… but we aren’t friends, and I have my own life.”

“I know that,” he said, expression very neutral, and any surprise or hurt he might’ve shown before was far past gone. He didn’t appear unkind or distant, just pleasant and as though he didn’t feel anything negative at all.

“Good,” I said.

“Good,” he said.

His eyes were cutting into me, and my heart was racing. I was thinking of how he could hear my heart, and it made my heart race faster, and I just said, “Andy is my boyfriend.” It wasn’t true… but maybe. Almost.

Will blinked. His expression didn’t change. “Oh?” he said.

“Yeah,” I said. “I’m just here for him.”

He looked away from me for a moment, head turning so far that I could only see the edge of his jawline. I had no idea as to what he was looking at, but he stared at it for some time. I just breathed and watched him as he did this, my heart echoing in my ears.

Will did finally say, “Well, are you happy?”

He still wouldn’t look at me, which I found suspicious, and I said, “Yes. Yeah, I am.”

Will’s jaw was working. “That’s all that matters.” He paused for a few more seconds before bringing his gaze forward, though still not anywhere near me. At least I could see his profile now, though.

I knew I was being mean, but I didn’t want Will to think that any of this was about him. I really wasn’t here for him. I didn’t want that to be the message he received. If I told Andy about how I felt, I was sure he’d back my story, say anything I asked—and, maybe, even, what I was saying could be real.

“Are you in love with him?” he asked.

Grace had asked that, too. “Yeah,” I said.

Will nodded for a few seconds. “Okay. I suppose I should meet him then, right?” he said.

“Later,” I offered, brief panic flashing through me as I realized that I needed to speak to Andy pronto about the fact that we were in a relationship now. “He’s showering, so…”

“Is he sleeping in a different guest room?” Will suddenly spoke, ignoring what I’d said. His voice sounded tight and not exactly angry but definitely agitated. “Or is he sleeping with you?”

“What?” I said.

“Is he in your room? Is he going to sleep in your room?”

“He has his own,” I said.

Will released a breath. “Okay.”

I glanced at him, still noticing how tense he was all over, and I said, “I’m going to head out.”

“What?” he said very quickly, standing in a blur with his arms extended, hovering in a motion to catch me if I stood. My instincts told me he was not going to allow me to go. “What do you mean?”

“To see Andy,” I said in surprise. “Jeez.”

“Oh.” He deflated, arms falling to his sides. “Oh. I can walk you back there.”

I wanted to say no, but I figured he might lose his mind if I did—and I didn’t know my way around anyway, yet, so I sighed. “Sure.”

And we left, Will walking to match my pace. I didn’t know if he did it to be considerate or because he refused to let me out of his sight again. I really hoped it was the former. I hated being stifled.

We didn’t talk much on our walk, as the both of us had our own thoughts.  And, at least on my end, I wasn’t sure what to say to him. I didn’t have anything to say, really. I didn’t know him, and I didn’t want to. Our relationship began and ended with his stupid bond that I didn’t want to be a part of.

This being said, I knew that he wanted to know me, or at the very least just small things, like how I was feeling or thinking or why I did this or that, but I didn’t want to give him anything to use against me. I didn’t want Will to be part of my life, but I knew that, as long as I was at the castle, I would have to arrange something. And I’d do it for Andy.

When we got to the guest hallway, both of our paces slowed, and I came to a stop outside of my room which I didn’t have any intention to enter right then. Will stood right in front of me, eyes clouded and murky, but he was saying nothing.

“You aren’t going to stand right outside, right?” I voiced.

His lips pursed, as though I had foiled some sort of plan. “I want to make sure you’re safe,” he said.

“I’m safe,” I said firmly. “Go do something else.”

He blinked, uncomfortable. “I don’t want to do anything else.”

Something cracked inside of me just then, and I didn’t shout what I said next, but I didn’t say it at a normal level either. “Don’t you get how messed up that is! What, am I your whole world? That’s wrong.”

“It’s not that!” he said, agitated as well, and he ran a hand through his hair. “It’s just that you’re back here now, and I don’t—I mean, I want to be with you. I don’t want to go.”

“Yeah, and what about before? Why were you so clingy then?” I demanded.

“Because I had met you only just then!” This was the loudest and the angriest he had ever spoken to me before. I knew he wasn’t angry at me per se, but more at my refusal to see his side.

I scoffed, and he did, too, but he seemed more upset than me, sort of irate. “This isn’t some sort of obsessive thing,” he hissed. “And I’ve no idea where you even got that idea! We’re supposed to exist together. That’s it. We’re just supposed to be together. You can be alone—I can be alone. We both will feel that need. But at the end of the day—” He sighed in frustration, cutting himself off, and he didn’t finish the thought, only because I had things to say.

“At the end of the day, what?” I said. “At the end of the day, I’m me. I’m not half of any sort of bond. I’m not half of anything. I’m my whole person, and you need to get that through your head.”

His eyes narrowed. “I didn’t say you were half.”

          “Then what am I?” I let out a harsh breath. “I don’t exist for you, Will. The world didn’t exist for you to conquer.”

          “This isn’t about that!”

          “It’s always going to be about that,” I said harshly, giving him a glare. It was a tough feat, given how he was so much larger, of a stronger species, and had eyes that could hypnotize me, but I managed it. “It always will be.”

          He set his jaw.

          “Can you just leave me alone?” I said, eyes falling. “I’m here, aren’t I, and isn’t that enough?”

          “Okay,” he said. His entire body was tense. He looked slightly murderous. “I’ll go, if that’s what you want.”

          “It’s what I want.”

          He nodded, jaw popping, and then spun on his heel and left in an abrupt fashion. I stared at the place he’d just been standing at for a few seconds, and I had no idea why, but I stared. I told myself that I was just making sure Will was really gone, but I had no idea how true that was.

          Eventually, I got out of my trance—took a couple blinks—and then I went to knock on Andy’s door. Five knocks in, the door opened to reveal Andy in new clothes, which I could only assume had been placed on either his bed or inside the dresser, and still-wet hair.

          He saw the look on my face and immediately pulled my inside, closing the door behind me. “What happened?”

          I explained what I could and muttered about what I couldn’t, and by the time I’d gotten to the end, the two of us had found his way to his bed and were lying down. Somehow, though, by all accounts, I should’ve been upset, I felt calm after having explained it.

          Andy laid in my words for a few seconds before he asked me, as he was right beside me, our arms maybe inches apart, “Would it be so bad if it was real?”

          “Our relationship?” I asked.

          “Us dating,” he clarified.

          I thought about it—or at least pretended I did. My heart was racing too loudly for me to pay attention to much of anything. “No,” I said. “It wouldn’t be bad.”

          There was a shift in the weight of the mattress and the sound of a shuffling body, and I followed what I believed to be happening, turning on my side to face Andy. Sure enough, the two of us were looking right at one another.

          He looked at me, hard. It was as though he were studying me, taking in every part of me. I wondered if he thought he might lose me.

          “It was always you,” I said.

          “What?” he replied in a way so vulnerable I thought he might die.

          “It’s always been you.” I watched his eyes widen in surprise and then settle on mine, and it seemed that he was waiting for something. I thought I might know what.

          I leaned forward, supporting my body with my good arm, and I kissed him as lightly, freely, and openly as I could. And then I pulled back, waiting to see what he would do, or how he would react, only to find that he was just looking at me.

          “That bad?” I asked.

          “No,” he said, smiled, and then leaned over and kissed me back. Deeply. Maybe I should’ve felt bad about how deeply it was, given how my “soulmate” was not even a mile away from me, but I really didn’t care. Far as I was concerned, whatever that word was, it meant Andy.

          He pulled back from me after maybe thirty seconds, studied me, and then said, “It’s always been you, too.”