1,000 Things I Hate About Myself

“Who am I?” Well, my name is Eloise, Eloise Brickenhouse. My friends like to call me Eli. I’m not really sure why, because it isn’t exactly short for Eloise, but I just roll with it. I just turned 19, and got my first apartment. It’s not much of an apartment considering I started from scratch. But it’s mine. And that’s all that really matters. I’m a pretty dull person. I have naturally red hair, but I can’t ever pick a color to stick with so it’s usually always multiple colors all at once. I have boring brown eyes and I mean dark brown. So dark, they almost look black. I’m fairly average in height, thin figure, large breasts, oh my gosh are they large.. and a plump a**. My friends joke and tell me that I have the perfect figure, but I know that they just try to make me feel better. I wish I were more like my friends, with all their confidence and stuff. I can honestly think of 1,000 things I hate about myself. “Eli! Eli, wake the f**k up!” hmm.. am I dreaming? Nope. I roll over and swat with my hands, trying to push off who ever it is waking me from my slumber. My eyes squinting to see who it was hovering over me. “What, it’s early?!” I say. “No Eli, you’ve over slept! And you’re going to be late!” I jerk up, as I realize who is in my room. That’s my best friend Sam. She’s my ride or die, and also makes me stay responsible. In which this case, I am not being responsible. I’m almost late, late to the most important day of my life, thus far, college orientation. “Okay, okay. I’m getting up! Right now!” I say as I roll my body off the bed, almost landing on my face. “I’ll be waiting down stairs in car, hurry!” I stand in front of my full body mirror, my eyes still trying to adjust from dark to light. What do I wear? I ask myself as I look over my body in the mirror. A disgusted look appears at the corner of my mouth, as I run my fingers through my overly dry and curly hair that needs a good taming. I run my hand across the sleeves of all my shirts, before I decide to snatch out a plain green v-cut shirt and slide it over my head and slip on a pair of some dark denim skinny jeans and my toms, that are about five years old and probably need to be thrown away. Yup, that’ll do. I mumble to myself before walking to the bathroom to gather all my hair up into a bun on the of my hair. And that will too. Before slipping out of the house i grab my half charged iPhone, my side purse and my keys and make my way down to the stairwell. As I open the door to the stairs I’m oh so joyfully greeted with a box falling on my face and about there landing on my feet. UMPH “Oh..ow,” I scoff as the boxes land one after another and I drop my belongings to save myself from being thrown over. “Do you mind being more careful?” This, this is one of the 1,000 things I hate about myself.. something is always happening to me. I bend down to pick my belongings up off the floor in the array of a mess on the hallway floor. As I stand back up, my eyes catch the stranger’s eyes with the boxes and I feel a slight flutter. “Sorry miss.. I thought I could handle all the boxes at once, and could save myself a trip, do you need help with finding your belongings?” He asks, his sweet half smile almost melting my insides. “Oh.. no.” Was all I could muster up and say, as I shifted in my shoes and stood there awkwardly trying not to make eye contact. “Well, do you live on this floor?” He asks. “Um yeah.. I-I’m on, or in 223. Yeah. That’s my apartment.” I stutter on. Dammit. Why do I have to be like this? This, this is another things I hate about myself. Im so awkward! “Oh great! Looks like we’re neighbors,” his grin getting slightly bigger. “My name is Noah by the way.. I’ll be in apartment 225, right across from yours,” his eyes continued to scan my face. “Cool,” Cool? Dumbass.. “Well, I have this um im-important thing I have to do.. so I uh better go. Nice meeting you.. Noah.” I manage a slight smile, never looking up to meet his eyes. “I’m Eloise, or Eli by the way.” “Nice meeting you Eli..” replies with a small hand wave good bye, his voice sounding so smooth as my name rolled off his tongue. Noah.. ohhhh Noah. He was beautiful. He was taller than me. Tanner than me. Beautiful green eyes that almost look piercing. Tattoos. Covered in tattoos. What am I doing? I don’t know him, he almost ran me over walking with boxes. Stop it Eli, you’re going to be late. Focus. It didn’t take me long to get to the parking garage, I’m only on the second floor. I see Sam impatiently waiting for me in her car. I have my own car.. but I prefer driving with someone, or having them drive at-least. As I open her car door I hear the annoyance in her voice when she asks “What took you so long?! Daydreaming again? We’re running late, and we don’t need you messing this up to.” Sam puts up with a lot of my s**t. I’m very lucky. “Sorry.. I got hit by a few boxes going out the stairwell door.” I said causally, as my face turns a red shade thinking about that handsome hunk I so happened to be gracefully introduced to. “Oh, the new guy?” She asks, with a small smile appearing on her face, and the annoyance she had slowly draining from her body. “He’s a hottie El! Did you meet him?!” “Yeah.. I met him alright. And all his belongings.” I say, trying to brush the redness from my face. “He’s alright I guess.” “What’s his name?” Sam asks. “ I don’t know,” I lie. “You didn’t think to ask?” She side eyes me. “Eli, it’s been two years.. don’t you think maybe it’s time to get back in the game? Maybe?” Sam states. “I’m not ready..” I reply. “Not every guy is like Nick El. Not every guy is a cheater and out to hurt you. I think you’re more than ready.” Nick was my ex. We broke up two years ago and we we dated for years. I mean years. Started in middle school. I thought he was the one. But Nick cheated on me. That may be partially my fault. I refused to have s*x with him. I was afraid. I had never had s*x before. And it wasn’t that I wouldn’t. He just.. didn’t like waiting. So he cheated on me. With my sister at that. But that’s a whole other story. Needless to say, I haven’t even looked at another guy since then. I blame myself. Maybe if I had put out, things would be different? “ I know..can we just go?” I ask, feeling slightly uncomfortable and not sure of what to say. “Yup, we’re leaving right now, otherwise we’ll be so late they fail you immediately.” Sam says with with a small smile as she backs out of the parking spot and pulls into the busy streets of Vegas. I wish Sam understood. That’s another thing I hate about myself. Nobody understands me. Not Sam. Not my family. No one. Sam doesn’t understand why I refuse to be vulnerable. My family doesn’t understand why I hate my sister and everyone thinks I’m being unreasonable. I only have myself to protect myself. That’s fair right? —- It didn’t take us long to arrive on campus. I only lived a few blocks down. The campus was huge, and crowded with new and old students making their way to dorms, orientations and other college related activities. Being a freshman made me nervous. Thankfully, I wouldn’t be alone. Sam has already been here a year and knows all the ropes. I had taken a year off of school after my mother passed away. I couldn’t handle going from high school straight to college with all the family crap I was going through. Nonetheless, I am happy to finally be doing something that could advance my life for once. Being a waitress at the corner cafe wasn’t going to cut it for the rest of my life. “We’re here, you ready?” Sam’s voice cut through my thoughts. “Day dreaming already?..you’re going to do good El. I know you will do good.” Sam was my person. She knew when I was worried about something. If she wasn’t a human, she would be like my emotional support animal. So maybe she’s my emotional support human? “Yeah.. I’m ready.” I reply nervously as I open the car door and step out into the sun and chaos of college. Was I really though? As we make our way to the main entrance, I see a group of football players tossing a ball back and forth, groups of girls gathering and gossiping about only god knows what and just massive amounts of people fast walking towards different parts of the campus’ main building. The court yard was beautiful, with a huge fountain in the middle of it, welcoming everyone who came there. The huge doors were propped open, almost like they were enticing people to sign up for college. We made it to the doorway, and slowly pressed on, being careful not to bump into anyone. The fresh smell of new books hit my nose as I inhale and take in the bright white walls and colorful posters hanging everywhere. College. Who would’ve thought? I Eli am a freshman in college. Sam directed me to the cafeteria where all the freshman were to gather for orientation. I found a seat closest to the back as people started to swarm in the room with five minutes to spare before the start. My eyes wander and look at all the people talking. I wish I could be social like that. That’s something I hate about myself. I can’t seem to make friends. Buzzing from the microphone turning on hits my ears as I flinch from focusing on my thoughts to whoever is about to speak. As I look up, my face turns red as my eyes catch his. “Hello everyone, welcome to orientation. My name is Mr. Parker. Noah Parker and I am the new history teacher here at University of Nevada.” Ohhh emmm gee. This cannot be happening. His eyes were on me. The small grin appearing at his lips and the slight eyebrow raise was the same grin and eyebrow raise he gave me in the stairwell. I looked around for all the exits, but all the doors were closed. I think it would be noticeable if I just left. So I sat there.. awkwardly staring back like a deer caught in the headlights as he continued on. “Yes, that is right. I am new,” he continues, “I will be teaching U.S. History and World History and I am here to welcome all of you freshman on your first day of college. I believe that I will have many of you in my class, and look forward to getting to know each and every one of you.” his eyes wandering across the room, but always landing back to mine. “I am excited about this new chapter for you guys, and believe that each and every one of you will succeed in all that you do.” It felt like orientation drug on forever. It really only lasted maybe an hour, but as soon as they dismissed us, I bolted out of my seat and went straight for a bathroom. The school was very large, you’d think there would be a bathroom in every single hallway, but there isn’t. So what was supposed to be a quick run to the bathroom turned into me unfortunately getting lost. With each turn of a hallway, it seemed like more hallways appeared. I stopped in the middle of the hallway to dig for my phone in purse because my last hope was Sam, until I heard, “Are you lost?” and I quickly turn around to meet those eyes.. those beautiful eyes. I scratch the back of my head as I answer, “No” ever to quickly, “I mean yes.. I don’t really know where the bathroom is.” Noah laughs as my face turns another shade of red. “The hallways can get confusing, I can show you where one is, if you’d like?” I nod and begin to follow him. “Sorry about earlier by the way.. I should have been more careful going into the hallway. I was in a hurry to get here for orientation and wasn’t watching what I was doing.” He stared at me as we walked. “Oh yeah, I forgot about that. It’s okay. No biggie.” I reply. “Well, this is the bathroom. Need anything else?” He asks. Yes.. you. “Nope, that’s it. Thank you, again. I appreciate it.” I smile at him, finally looking him back in the eyes, my heart doing flips in my chest, his hand touches my shoulder and I feel sparks. Does he feel that too? “Well with us being neighbors AND me being your instructor, I think we will be spending plenty of time together and I look forward to getting to know you Eli but I must get busy getting my room together for class next week.” his eyes never leave mine as he scans my face, his eyes staring a little too long at my lips before flickering back up to my eyes, with a small grin on his lips before turning around and walking down the hall and out of my sight. What have you gotten yourself into Eli?