What Do We Do Now?

Second

“Stop making that face. You tried. Don’t forget that.” Denise started noticing my sudden silence and knew right away what I was thinking about.

“I know. I know. It doesn’t stop me from worrying though.” I tell her. 

I haven’t let myself think of my sister in a while. It’s been easier pushing the guilt away with time but it was still there and today, I just couldn’t help it. It was eating away at me again.

“No, babe. You gotta stop blaming yourself and think happy thoughts. Katrina knows where you are. If she needed you, she would have found you.” 

When Denise first heard my story she was sympathetic. Crying with me and holding on to hope that I would find my sister and she would forgive me. But throughout the many times she saw me crying and blaming myself for how Katrina and I turned out, she decided to be the voice of reason.

She was right, though. Katrina did know how to find me. 

As a matter of fact she did, once. 

I came home and found her outside my building. She looked like she’d been through hell. Her eyes were bloodshot and her skin looked washed out. She was fidgeting with the sleeves of her shirt and looked like she didn’t want to be there but I was too overjoyed thinking she finally forgave me and needed me that I rushed her out of the cold and into my building right away. 

When we got to my apartment, I sat her down on the couch then quickly went into the kitchen to prepare a meal for us just blabbering none sense trying to break the ice. When I went back into the living room to check on her I found that she had left with my purse.

“Think happy thoughts, Sandra. Imagine Katrina at the beach living her best life away from that asshole mom of yours.” She adds, trying to be optimistic and comforting.

But I know better. Katrina wasn’t fine then and I although I hoped and prayed, I know she still isn’t now. I researched what drug addiction looked like and it was practically a picture of my sister on that day. She only probably came to see me because she needed money.

“I guess so. I mean, it has been a year. You’re right. she would’ve found me again if she needed me.” I agree, pushing away the gnawing feelings.

“Of course I’m right. She doesn’t need you right now but I do. Let’s go have lunch and talk s**t about Liam.” She chirps trying to lighten the mood.

“Oh so that’s why you’re here so early.” I laugh. Denise’s issues have always been welcome distractions.

Liam is her on and off boyfriend of I can’t even recall how many years now. They’re soulmates and are generally good for each other except for when one of them gets in a mood and starts a random fight out of nowhere. 

It’s a cycle I know very well.

She tells Liam she needs space or vice versa, then they come to see me complaining about whatever it is this time, then one of them calls me in a day or two asking me to find out where the other one is -this time it’ll be Liam, he will then track her down to profess his love, she’ll think it’s so sweet how he came to find her, the make up s*x ensues, and they fall in love again.

It takes less than a week every few months and brings color to my mundane life so I tolerate it when it happens.

“What are you in the mood for?” Denise asks me.

“How about we have a little pamper time when I get off work later?” I offer, remembering the amount of work I have to get done today.

“That’ll work! Go to the spa when you’re done here!”

She closes the door behind her and I give myself a pat on the back for hitting two birds with one stone. 

I conveniently got Denise off my back for the rest of the day and I could actually use the relaxation after all the heavy emotions I’ve been feeling lately.

Denise’s family owns the Design and Construction Firm I work for. I got hired right out of college as a Junior Designer and thanks to Denise insisting I single handedly design her spa, I got bumped into Senior Designer after corporate saw my potential shortly after.

I now have 3 Junior Designers, 2 contractors, and several support staff in my team and we needed to go through the schedule for the rest of the month as well as set deadlines for upcoming projects we would take in before I can go talk s**t about Liam.

“Please tell everyone I’ll see them at conference room 2, in 5 minutes, Becca.” I say to our shared office secretary.

I make my way to the conference room quickly forgetting about my regrets and heartaches about Katrina as I go through all the bullet points for our weekly meeting. 

The meeting lasted for about an hour and a half with everyone clear on what was going to happen this month and what was expected of each of them. I then get back to my office and start working on what was expected of me. My team is the best for a reason and I pride myself in knowing that we deserve all the recognition we receive from corporate.

I would say I’m successful. A far cry from when I was scrounging up tips some years ago. My mother, sniffing out my success, has reached out to me a few times but I shut her down quickly each time never forgiving her for what she did to Katrina and I.

5pm arrives sooner that I expected but I’ve wrapped up most if not all of what I need to accomplish for the day. I arrange my desk, pack up my things, put on my coat, and let Becca know I’m leaving for the day.

It’s time I go get Denise for some relaxation and maybe some drinks at that new bar that just opened. I feel like I need a few after reliving my past heartaches like that.

The spa was closed but Sherry, the receptionist, was still there. I ask her for Denise and she tells me she’s in the steam room. I stop by the private changing room on my way to get undressed and put on a robe. 

When I get there I quickly see that Denise never made it to the steam room and Sherry had failed to mention that Liam was in here with her.

They had decided to skip parts 2, 3, and 4 of their biannual fight cycle and I walked in on them butt naked in the middle of part 5 right there in the changing room.

Liam had Denise pinned against the wall with one hand holding her arms up over her head. He was kissing her muffling her screams of pleasure as he pumped hard into her.

They were so engrossed in what they were doing that neither of them realized I had walked in. I hastily retreat and tell Sherry that she could leave for the night. I then text Denise that I need to reschedule so she doesn’t feel bad about forgetting our date.

I then do the unthinkable and call Connor. 

Connor Greyson is one of the lawyers representing the firm. We’ve been a thing for about 5 months now and Connor is the reason I’m sure there’s something wrong with me. 

He’s perfect and I still can’t find it in me to commit.

A far cry from all the losers I justified running away from throughout the years, Connor is handsome, successful, not suffocating, and great in the sack.

I genuinely thought he and I were finally going somewhere but when he asked me if I would consider moving in with him, I freaked out. That’s what I do. When things get serious and I realize that there might be more to whatever it is  than just a warm body on cold nights, I stop, drop, and roll..away. Far away.

“Hey, beautiful.” He answers on the 2nd ring before I could change my mind.

“Hi.” I answer back. Seeing Denise and Liam going at it made me feel lonely and I had no one else to call.

“Where are you?” He asks.

“Just leaving the office. You?” He knows I want to meet up when I ask where he is.

“I’m still here. Want to get dinner? I’ll come down.”

I know I’ll regret this in the morning but right now I need a distraction.

“Yes. I’m hungry.” 

And not just for food, I think to myself.