This Is Love

16

She laughed. “You don’t have to use the same lines on me anymore. I’m remembering. I remember you saying that.”

“And do you remember why you like the rain now?” I held her tight against my chest as it poured.

“We met on a rainy morning. And you walked me home in the rain one night. You were there when I needed you. You have been ever since. And our first kiss was in the rain. I’m pretty sure I fell in love with you in a storm. Isn’t that how our love has always been? Chaotic and scary and all-consuming? That kind of love? A love worth fighting for?”

I smiled down at her. “A love worth fighting for.”

She leaned closer and whispered in my ear. “I remember your mom not exactly being fond of me. Any chance that’s changed?”

“I think maybe it just did.”

She kissed the scruff on my jaw line. “Well, good. I’m a big proponent of second chances. And third ones.” She looked up with hopeful eyes. “I should probably go say hi, right?”

I saw more than hope in her eyes as she stared at me. I saw love. I saw her. I took a deep breath. God I had missed her looking at me like that. Instead of letting her go, I hugged her harder. I wasn’t sure I’d ever let her out of my arms again.

Monday - Penny

I felt like I was dreaming. The rain hitting the asphalt caused clouds of steam to surround us, encasing us in a haze. His face was blurry in front of me, but I knew it was because of my tears instead of the rain.

I had tried to push him away. I had tried to push love away. I couldn’t apologize enough. I wanted to get down on my hands and knees and beg him for forgiveness. But he was holding me so tightly that I couldn’t move an inch. I could barely even breathe. And I wouldn’t change a thing.

How many times had he held me like this in the past? I was seeing flashes of moments. Pieces of a puzzle that didn’t quite fit together. But it was enough. Just being in his arms would always be enough for me.

“I can’t live without you, Penny.” His voice was muffled in my hair. “I can’t breathe without you.”

His words caused more jumbled memories to collide, one after the next, until a longer one stuck. I could see it like it was yesterday, with the same cool rain falling around us.

"I do trust you." He looked up into the sky.

A raindrop hit my forehead. I looked up too. The drops fell faster until it was full on raining.

He abruptly stood up. "Let's get back to the car," he said.

Not when I was this close. "James, tell me."

"You're going to get a cold."

"James, tell me!"

"I've already told you. More or less." He put his hand through his hair. He looked completely distraught. "I thought you understood."

"Understood what?" I felt so dense. "What am I not the answer to?" I stood up. "What did she mean when she said to stop running? What are you running from? Don't push me away again. Don't do what she said you would."

"I was trying to protect you. I told you that."

"But what are you trying to protect me from? Why do you think I shouldn't be with you? It can't possibly be that bad. Just tell me what it is."

"Damn it, Penny." He pulled me against his chest and kissed me. It was angry and hard and hot. His hands slid to the small of my back. He pushed my shirt up slightly so that his palm was against my skin.

"Stop." I pushed on his chest. He was so manipulative. "Stop using s*x as a weapon."

"I don't..." He looked at my face and released me from his grip. He took a step back from me. "I didn't realize I was doing that."

What I had said seemed to hurt his feelings. But I couldn't dwell on it right now. That wasn't what I wanted to talk about. "Tell me what you're hiding. You told me no more secrets. Don't you want us to work? Tell me!"

"I have told you! I told you that I was drunk all of college. I told you that I've had s*x with dozens of women. I told you I threw myself into my career in order to avoid my life. Everything I did was so that I didn't have to face reality. Whatever horrible thing you can think of, I've probably done it. I told you I wasn't a good man. I told you that."

I swallowed hard. The rain against my face felt soothing. I wasn't sure what to say. I did know all that. That couldn't be what he was hiding.

"I'm an addict, Penny." He looked so young and so vulnerable.

What? He didn't drink that much. He didn't seem like an addict to me at all. He usually seemed calm and collected and completely in control. And then Isabella's words came back to me. I didn't see it because he wasn't addicted to drugs or booze right now. He was addicted to me. I'm his drug?

"Penny? Say something."

"All this talk about forever..."

"I mean it."

"But what happens when you get bored with me? Will you go off chasing your next high?"

"No." He lowered his eyebrows. "I'm not addicted to you. It's different with you, it's not the same."

"How do you know?"

"I was trying to avoid my life. I was miserable. Every day I felt like I was suffocating. I needed an escape. But I'm happy now."

"Because of me? Or because of teaching? Or what?"

"It was my decision to come here."

"Because you walked in on Isabella..."

"Yes. But I came here for me. I'm living the way I want to live. I'm not answering to anyone else. I don't need an escape anymore."

"Isabella said you needed to get help."

"I've gotten help."

"So you're not addicted to drugs, or alcohol, or work, or...sex anymore?"

"No. I haven't been addicted to anything since I left the city. I was living a life that wasn't mine there. I was numb. Those things made me feel alive. They sustained me. They were a choice I could make for myself."

"So you chose to do them? That doesn't make you an addict, James. If you had control over your choices..."