This Is Love

17

"I couldn't stop, Penny. Whenever I was able to pull myself out of one thing, I just moved on to the next." His words hung in the air. "Don't look at me like that. I'm not addicted to you. I'm not going to move on. I need you in my life. I need you, Penny."

He needs me. All of his words now seemed to have a double meaning. But didn't I need him too? When he didn't talk to me for weeks I was a complete mess. My world had become isolated and cold. And I had hated it. I hated my life without him.

"Penny, I've made so many mistakes. But I was young and stupid."

"You're still young."

"Okay. But I'm not stupid anymore." He gave me a forced smile.

"Addicts are like...it's not something that goes away, is it?"

"No, it's not."

"So, how do you control it?" I felt stupid asking these questions. The age gap between us suddenly felt larger than before. He was an adult, with adult problems. All I was worried about was my next Stat test. And now him.

He lowered his eyebrows slightly. "My therapist helps me with that."

"You have a therapist?"

"I do." His eyes searched my face. "He doesn't think I'm addicted to you either."

"You talk about me?"

"Yes."

"He knows that you're dating a student?"

"Doctor patient confidentiality. He did advise me against it. I think he's glad that I ignored his advice though."

"Why?"

"I'm happier when we're together. Everyone can see that."

It was weird, standing in the rain so far apart. It made me feel so separate from him. I didn't like that feeling. "Why didn't you just tell me?"

"Because I liked the way you looked at me. Like I was strong and in control. It made me feel like I could be those things for you. I thought everyone could see my demons when they looked in my eyes. You never did. You just saw me. I didn't want that to change."

"I don't think any differently of you." His words made me want to cry. I didn't have much self confidence. I thought he was the opposite of me. But we were more alike than I thought. He was so broken. I didn't want him to feel that way.

"You do. You're looking at me right now like I'm weak."

"I don't think that you're weak. You're incredibly strong for overcoming something like that."

He put his hands in his pockets. We were both completely drenched. He was staring at me. The distance between us was unbearable.

"I don't want you to leave me," he said slowly. "But if this is too much..."

"No. James." I closed the distance between us. "I'll never let you go."

"I'm not addicted to you."

"You keep saying that. And all I can think about is how rude it sounds." I smiled at him.

"I don't understand how you can keep choosing me. I'm..."

"Perfect. Everything that you've been through has made you who you are. And I love the man I see in front of me. I love you so much."

It started raining harder. "I'm divorced." He almost had to yell it over the rain.

"I know."

"No more of this waiting nonsense?"

"No. My heart is yours."

He was smiling down at me. "I'm divorced!" He picked me up and twirled me around.

I laughed as he set me back down on my feet. I rubbed my palm against the scruff on his cheek. "You're all mine."

"All yours, Miss Taylor." He turned his head and kissed my palm.

Miss Taylor. That wasn’t my name anymore. That wasn’t me. I was Mrs. James Hunter. And I couldn’t live without the man in front of me. I couldn’t breathe without him either.

“My heart is yours,” I mumbled into his chest. “Forever and always. It’s yours, James.”

He held me even tighter, if that was possible.

I wasn’t the same vulnerable girl from my memories. I was strong. I was whole. I was a wife. And a mother. All the memories came to a halt. “Liam.” My voice came out like a croak as I pulled away from James’ embrace. “We have to go to Liam.” I remembered him. I remembered him kicking me constantly. And I remembered knowing he’d be a little boy. I knew it. And now he was here and he hadn’t really met me. The real me.

“You’re soaked,” James' mother said. “Come inside. I’ll have Helga dry your clothes. And then we can all go see him together, okay?”

It felt like I was running out of time. Like I needed to see him right this second. As if there was a clock ticking down in my head approaching zero. “No, I need to see my son. He doesn’t know…he doesn’t know how much…”

James grabbed both sides of my face. “How much you love him? He knows, baby. Take a deep breath for me. My mother is right. We’ve both just been through surgery. We can’t afford to get sick on top of everything else. Liam needs us to be strong right now.”

Surgery. Surgery. The words echoed around in my head. “James.” I placed my hand on the left side of his chest. God, James. I could feel his heart beating through his shirt. “James.” My voice cracked.

“Let’s get in out of the rain.”

My dreamlike state returned as he guided me into the house. His mom started talking and pointing but I didn’t hear anything she said. But I did register the fact that she smiled at me. I had never seen her smile at me before. Right?

James and I walked into a guest bedroom. I had a million things I needed to tell him. He didn’t know about Dr. Nelson. He didn’t know what pieces of us I remembered. I had apologized, but he didn’t really know how sorry I was. How could I put it into words? How could I ever apologize enough?