This Is Love

21

But James immediately pulled out of me.

No.

He grabbed my arm and turned me around. His other hand was slowly pumping up and down his erection. He pushed down on my shoulders until I was kneeling in front of him. I usually liked when he did this. And I knew he liked it. He had told me he liked seeing his c*m drip down my breasts. It made me feel sexy too. But it didn't seem like that tonight. He was doing it because he felt insecure. As if this somehow claimed me. Why couldn't he see that I was already his?

His first shot landed on the center of my chest. There was no bliss on his face. Only agony. Two more hit each of my breasts. After his last stream hit my stomach he turned around and quickly started to get dressed. The silence was unnerving.

I wiped off his semen with my t-shirt and then pulled my robe on. "James." I stood up and put my hand on his arm, but he pulled away.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. You asked me to punish you and I was thinking of reasons why I should. I got carried away."

Why wasn't he facing me?

He exhaled loudly. "Did I hurt you?"

"No." This time when I touched his arm, he didn't flinch. I walked around him and looked up into his eyes. "Talk to me."

"Why do you keep me in the dark?" He was looking at me like he knew the answer. Like it had been part of the burden he was carrying this whole time.

The thought made me feel so guilty. I had been adding to it when I was trying to do the exact opposite. "Because I'm scared you'll slip. I'm scared if anything ever goes wrong you'll slip. And I won't be able to get you back."

"Well I did." He reached into his pocket. He pulled something out and tossed it to me.

I caught it in my hand. It looked like a small bag of baby powder. "What is this?"

He ran his hand through his hair.

"Tell me you didn't take this, James. Tell me you didn't do this."

"You left me."

"You kicked me out! Tell me you didn't take this!" I threw the bag back at him.

"I didn't take it."

An exasperated laugh escaped my lips. "Don't just say that because it's what I want to hear. Tell me the truth."

"I didn't take it. But the moment that you left...that's when I knew I was addicted to you. That's the moment I knew that I was still sick. I wanted to dull the pain. I wanted something, anything to dull that pain."

"That means you wanted something because you were hurting. That doesn't mean you're addicted to me."

"Don't you get it, Penny? My life sucks without you. I don't need anything to dull the pain when I'm with you because you dull it. You're my drug."

The way he said "you" made my chest hurt.

"It doesn't matter if it's this," he grabbed the bag off the ground, "or alcohol or you. I'm an addict. I've always been an addict. And I'll always be an addict. You hide things from me because you're scared of what will happen if I slip. I've already slipped. Every time I f**k you I'm slipping. Can't you see that? Can't you see that I have no f*****g control? I almost hurt you..."

"Stop."

"Penny, I can't..."

"Stop!" My words seemed to echo in the silent night. "You didn't hurt me. I love when you're rough with me. You f****d me like that because I asked you to. Nothing has changed from this morning. What you see as addiction, I see as love. And the fact that you didn't take whatever is in that bag means you're not an addict."

"Because it wouldn't compare to you! I'm broken, Penny. I'm weak. I'm not worthy of you."

"James." I tried to keep my voice as even as I could. "I'm not scared about you slipping because you're weak. I'm scared because I don't know what that side of you is like. All I've ever known is the you that I see in front of me. As far as I'm concerned that's the only you that exists. I'm so sorry I kept you in the dark. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I didn't mean to."

"I know." He walked past me and put his elbows on the ledge.

When I had come out here, I thought this moment was so perfect. I wish I could go back in time and ask him to make love to me. Now I was just tired and upset and James was refusing to look at me. This wasn't how it was supposed to be the night before we got married.

"I thought when you found the right person, things were supposed to be easy," he said more to the skyline than to me. "Why does it feel like this relationship is always so much work?"

"I know what you're doing. You're trying to push me away. Again. Like you always do." I leaned against the ledge beside him. "It's like you're stuck in reverse. Why do you not believe in what we have? Why do you keep pushing me away? You and I both know that I didn't walk away from you. This isn't about me. This is about you being scared. And that doesn't make you weak. I'm scared too."

He shook his head.

"Talk to me."

He turned his head to me. "Tomorrow, after I say I do, that's it for me. It's my fresh start. You're my fresh start. If something happens to that, I'm done. I can't live without you. I can't even function without you. You say you don't care if I'm addicted to you. That's your decision. I'm not going to stop you from marrying me because I don't want to. All I've ever wanted was for you to be mine. But yeah, it's f*****g terrifying. Because there are no guarantees in life. Who knows what'll happen the next day or the day after that. I've given myself so completely to you that there's nothing left of me without you. There is no me without you."

"James, I feel exactly the same way. And I didn't realize how true that was until our fight last night. And that's why you're feeling that way. Because now you know what it's like to lose me. But I'm not going anywhere."