This Is Love

22

"You don't know that."

"I'm healthy. And I'm careful. And we have security guards following us around protecting us."

James shook his head. "I'm worried about Isabella. I can't explain it. I just...I know she's planning something. I can feel it. Maybe I'm just unsettled. I realize that no one else thinks Isabella would hurt anyone. But she's out there somewhere, and I'm scared that she'll try."

"We're going to be okay." I put my hand on top of his. "Anything else you need to get off your chest?"

"I want to know that you'll let me protect you."

"I'm letting Porter follow me around. They can hang out with us all the time if that's what you need."

"No, I like being alone with you." He smiled for the first time since we had s*x. "I'm sorry." He sighed. "I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I'm just finally getting nervous about tomorrow too."

I ducked underneath his arm and let him wrap himself around me. "I promise I'm going to show up."

He laughed. "What about you? Is there anything you need to get off your chest before tomorrow?"

I thought about how I kept things from him before. I wasn't going to do that anymore. "I was wondering if maybe you should call your therapist? I know it's late, so in the morning maybe? To talk to him about the fact that you think you're addicted to me."

"We've already talked about it. He'll say that I'm not."

"So why don't you believe him or me?"

"Because I can't properly express how it felt when you left last night. I can't make someone understand when they don't know how it feels."

"But that's what I've been trying to tell you. I know how it feels. Because I love you."

"Your first reaction wasn't to go out and buy cocaine though."

"Only because I've never done cocaine before. Maybe it would have been. Who knows?"

James laughed. He ran his fingers through my hair. "I'll call him in the morning if it'll make you feel better."

"I just want you to go into tomorrow knowing that what we have is love," I said.

"Okay. I'll call him. Anything else?"

I hated bringing up more stuff. But I had to. This had become a night of confessions. There was no point holding back now. "At the precinct today, that cop said something about how I'd probably have to fill out a lot of restraining orders if I was marrying you. Or something like that. What have you been arrested for, James?"

"Nothing that serious."

"Just tell me the list."

"Isabella filed a restraining order against me after I beat up the guy she was screwing behind my back. She said she was scared I'd come after her next. It was ridiculous. I never laid a hand on her. She was just trying to pretend to be the victim."

"Okay." That had to be what the officer was referring too. But I wanted to hear it all. "What else?"

"Just minor things."

"Then tell me."

He released me from his embrace so he could look down at me. "It was a long time ago."

"I promise I'm not going to judge you."

"Okay." He ran his hand through his hair. "There were a few fights once or twice that got pretty ugly during summer breaks of college. I hated coming home. I was angry all the time." He shook his head. "I think I got something for peeing in a bush in Central Park once. I don't even really remember. Public drunkenness. I wrote some threatening letters to one of Jen's ex-boyfriends. He deserved it. I don't regret that at all. That was another restraining order. And I've been arrested for being in possession of drugs. Nothing since the restraining order from Isabella, though. Nothing since I've met you."

"How are you not in jail right now?"

"I have a really good lawyer. And a lot of money."

I shook my head. "So no fights recently?"

"I don't have anything to be angry about anymore."

"You punched Tyler in the face."

"Tyler f*****g deserved that."

"He didn't take your money."

"But he wanted you the whole f*****g time we were together. And I trusted him. I let you hang out with him every Friday night for the past year because I trusted him."

"He was trustworthy. And he still is. He only ever said anything to me when he realized you broke up with me. Which he found out about because you showed up at his place and punched him in the face. I didn't tell him."

James raised his eyebrow at me.

"Please don't punch anyone else. And don't yell at cops. And don't buy cocaine."

He sighed.

"I feel like those are things most people don't need to be reminded of," I said.

"I'm not most people."

"I know." I touched the side of his face. "You're so much better. Thank you for telling me. Geez, that cop made it seem like you had a rap sheet of beating up women."

"I would never hurt you."

"It hurts me when you try to push me away."

He pulled me back against his chest. "Then I'm done pushing you away." He kissed the top of my head. "I'm sorry that I ruined tonight."

"Tonight was perfect. It finally feels like there's nothing left unspoken between us. Do you have any idea how relieved I feel?"

"I feel it too."

"There is one more thing, though," I said.

I felt his body tense.

"Does a small part of you just want to hop on the next flight out of here and get married somewhere obscure?"

He laughed. "Maybe a small part. If it means I could have you all to myself."

"You already have me all to yourself."

There was so much steam in the shower that I could barely see James a few feet in front of me. His question swirled around in my head. Do you remember what it’s like when I’m mad at you?

“I remember. But I’m not your fiancée anymore. I’m your wife, James. I’m the mother of your children. And despite what you might think, you don’t want to punish me right now. I made you a promise all those years ago that I’d always show up. And here I am. I’m showing up."