Ordinary Lives: Deniz

2

After taking a sip of his beer, Deniz told Murat the details of the conversation he had with his family that morning, and then his eyes drifted to the sea view as he listened to Murat's comment. As he watched the drops of water flow down the beer bottle under the influence of the warm air, he was brought back to his senses by Murat's comment: "Then why don't you at least try to go out to dinner? You said you haven't seen her in the last four years, maybe you'll feel differently."

Deniz wasn't surprised at all by Murat's suggestion because any sane person would make a similar suggestion in such a situation, so without rejecting his friend's suggestion, he started to explain his own reasons: "Of course, you may be right, but I haven't had a romantic relationship with anyone for years and frankly, I don't feel ready for that."

"Usually these situations are caused by a broken heart and the pain of love. If you ever want to talk, know that I am always ready to listen."

Murat wasn't wrong in this thought, in fact Deniz really wanted to tell someone what he had experienced and get this burden off his shoulders, but he had experienced things he thought he could never tell to anyone. Still, he felt that he could at least tell the obvious facts by transforming them into a different version. Murat was a good man and would probably never judge him. This gave Deniz some courage..

'' I can't tell you all the details Murat, but to summarize briefly; This is a story of betrayal. Actually, my goal in life wasn't to be a mortgage clerk. When I was a senior in high school, I fell in love with someone I knew from the same school, it wouldn't be right to give them name, so let's call them ''Mrs. B.'' There was no dialogue between us, we just had mutual acquaintances and we were both interested in music. She played the violin, I played the guitar. When I was making my university choices, my family wanted me to stay in Izmir, study law at a school here and become a lawyer, but after learning from our mutual friends that she was going to study music at a private university in Istanbul, I made my choice in that direction and sort of followed her, leaving my entire life and my family's wishes aside just to follow Mrs. B.. Anyway, somehow I managed to meet her and become friends. She was a well-intentioned person, and a bit airhead. We formed a common circle and eventually three more of our friends, Hasan, Ahmet and Burak, joined us. We formed a band together and made music, played in bars and had fun. Over time, Mrs. B. realized my feelings for her and started getting closer to me, and although I didn't want to reveal myself at first, after I saw how sincere she was, I went with the flow. As much as a 20-year-old college student could go with the flow. Things had progressed, we were in love now but we had no intention of revealing our relationship to anyone, we were still very young, so I could understand that we should have a love affair behind closed doors. The first time we had se*ual relationship, we went to a small hotel, everything was great, we were kind and understanding to each other. That night was like a dream, when I woke up in the morning, I was alone in the room. Maybe she had an early class, I didn't care, I got up, got dressed and went to the campus. I saw her kissing with someone else, it turned out she had a lover that she was clearly dating. And it turned out that I was the only one who didn't know about this incident, I was so blinded by love that I didn't even notice that she was flirting with someone else. Then I dropped out of school and came back here. I took exams again and graduated from a university here and now I'm here. That's the whole story. ''

''Oh my God, I will never understand some people. How can they be so heartless? So why did you drop out of school? Didn't you have friends to support you after you broke up with your ex-girlfriend?''

Deniz laughed involuntarily. How easily he had been accepted when he told the story of homosexual love and betrayal as a heterosexual story. Friends.. Yes, he had friends. After that incident, when he remembered Hasan, Ahmet and Burak coming to support him and the week they spent together, Deniz's heart started to beat faster, it was clear that he was going to have a panic attack, he drank his beer bottle and quickly emptied it halfway. This prevented him from having a crisis.

''Slow down, man. You'll get drunk if you drink that fast.''

Deniz asked the waiter for another bottle of beer and continued from where he left off: "Yes, I had friends and they helped me more than I needed to but sometimes no matter what you do it just doesn't work."

"I understand, it must be hard for you. Still, you are a working man and you have a good job, you will be 30 soon. At least stop living with your parents, it will be good for you."

"It's possible. We actually have another house two blocks away. The tenant's lease is up in three months, it's within walking distance of our workplace, maybe I can move there."

While Deniz was saying these, Murat was carefully reading the message that came to his phone:"Sh*t, my wife texted me, my little girl has a fever, I need to go home and take care of them, man, can we continue another time?"

"Of course, say hello to your wife for me, I hope your little girl gets better soon."

"Of course, come over for dinner sometime, Sibel has been wanting me to invite you over for dinner for a while now. Anyway, I'm going, see you tomorrow."

Deniz smiled and nodded in approval without saying anything. He watched Murat run along the road smiling. Being friends with a man he could never have was enough for him and he had no other intentions or desires...

**********

"Son, where have you been all this time? Are you hungry? Do you want me to heat up some food?"

"I had a beer after work and chatted to my friends. I'm not hungry, Mom. I'm going to get in the tub and relax for a bit. You can go to bed."

"Okay, good night."

'' Night.''

After Deniz went into the bathroom and locked the door behind him, he undressed and looked at himself carefully in the full-length mirror. He was 5'9 tall, thin-waisted, slender, not muscular and had a beautiful physique. He had tried to do a lot of sports to look a little more masculine but it didn't work, he couldn't build muscle. So he tried to grow a light beard and look a little more masculine but he was also quite bored with his own appearance. So he decided to shave his beard while waiting for the tub to fill up..

'' F*ck, now I look like a baby face.''

Deniz lay down in the tub filled with warm water. He thought about the conversations he had with Murat today, he remembered that Murat's smiling face was enough to warm him up. His hands reached his n*****s, he touched himself, pinched his n****e with one hand, and caressed his member with the other hand, but he could not get an er*ction. He immediately lowered his hand and caressed his rear entrance with his fingertips, first he slowly inserted his index finger and then his middle finger and m*sturbated for a while but could not get an er*ction, so he got angry, threw his head back and just stood there...

Deniz, who had been lying in the tub for a long time, hadn't even realized that he was asleep, and had seen the incident he had experienced with Baran in his dream.. Seeing Baran kissing his lover had been enough to take his breath away. Then the scene suddenly changed, and he had seen the end of the one-week period he had spent with Ahmet, Burak and Hasan. While he was lying on the floor, Baran came running to him and hugged him, shouting with all his might, "What did you do to him, you animals?", and took Deniz in his arms and took him to the hospital. Deniz woke up in the tub with a panic attack. Every time he tried to m*sturbate, he would relive this incident in his dream. Still, he didn't give up, he had to somehow solve his impotence problem that remained after the trauma he had experienced. He hadn't been able to get an er*ction for the last 7 years, so he had gone to a urologist, but the doctor had said that the problem was psychological, not physical. He couldn't go to a psychologist, but he had to try until he solved this problem, so he would often try his luck and have panic attacks.

After Deniz realized that what he saw was a dream and calmed down, he immediately got dressed and ran to his room. He opened his computer and looked at his social media. It was impossible for him to sleep after this panic attack, so he wanted to clear his head. Deniz loved learning different languages, he already knew two languages, so he was adding random people from all over the world, checking them out and chatting..

For some time now, he had noticed the posts shared by his Bulgarian social media friend Katherina about the domestic violence her father had inflicted on her and her mother. The girl had repeatedly announced to her circle that she would do anything to leave that house. Of course, Katherina could be a salvation for Deniz and thus both of their lives could be saved. He immediately opened the chat area and wrote her: ''Hey''.