Crashing into Love

"Why does it hurt this bad?" asked the drunk and talkative guy sitting beside me. He has a beer bottle in one hand and a ring on the other. He looked at the ring with so much sadness as he twisted it between his fingers. I don’t know who he is, but for some unknown reason, something was urging me to stay and listen. And I swear, it’s not because he looked damn good. I just think he needed some company on a cold and lonely night like this one. “Kung kaya ko lang baguhin ang takbo ng isip at puso niya, ginawa ko na.” Pagak siyang natawa bago umiling. Tumingin siya sa dagat at sabay naming pinakinggan ang paghampas ng alon sa dalampasigan. Niyakap ko ang aking mga binti bago nagpakawala ng buntong-hininga. Base sa mga hinaing n’ya ay nalaman kong iniwan siya ng babaeng papakasalan sana n’ya. Ibinigay n’ya raw ang lahat ngunit sa huli ay hindi pa rin nito kayang mahalin siya ng buo kaya siya na ang nagpaubaya. Such courage this man must have to do something as noble as that! "Akala siguro n’ya ay madali lang ang magpalaya. But really, it feels like I'm being stabbed with a thousand knives at the same time," nanghihinang anas n’ya matapos ibato sa hangin ang buhanging naipon n’ya sa kamay. A lone seashell sailed in the air and landed flat on the sand a couple of inches away from us. He followed it with his eyes and went over to pick it up only to throw it out to the sea, never to be seen by us again. Gusto kong aluin siya, pero ano ang sasabihin ko? Do I tell him that everything will be alright? Do I tell him that one day the pain will cease to exist? Umiling ako. Pain and fear have been whispering on my ears long enough for me to know that sometimes, no matter how hard we try to fight them, they can still manage to consume our beings and take a piece of our sanity with them. “Sabi nila kapag daw nagmahal ka, handa ka rin dapat masaktan. Pain is love’s companion. They coexist with one another." Bumalik siya sa pagkakaupo sa tabi ko at nalanghap kong muli ang amoy ng alak. “Hindi ka masasaktan kung hindi ka magmamahal. Will you choose to avoid love just because you don’t want to experience the pain that goes with it?” "I don’t know. Pakiramdam ko ay wala ng saysay ang buhay ko. I just want the wind to carry me away. I want this life to end. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow with the same miserable fate.” “My parents loved each other so hard that my aunt would often tell them they were a living proof that romantic love can actually last. My father was diagnosed with lung cancer when I was nine and he lost the battle when I was twelve. My mother didn’t know how to continue living without the person who taught her the real meaning of life. A few months after he passed away, we found her inside their room, cold and stiff, with a bottle of sleeping pills on her hand.” I could feel the emotions building up in my chest, but I forced them all down. Kapag may nagtatanong sa akin tungkol sa mga magulang ko ay sinasabi ko lang na maaga silang nawala. I don’t normally go into details. Pero dahil sa sinabi n’ya, bumalik sa akin ang memorya ng araw na ‘yon. I could almost hear my sister’s shrieks and the sound of the ambulance that carried us off to the hospital. “I’m… I’m sorry to hear that,” he said softly. “That day, I realized that suicide is not about selfishness. It’s about helplessness. My sister and I wrongly assumed that my mother was okay, just because she would smile at us and laugh at our jokes. I lost my father to cancer, but I lost my mother to ignorance. The world is never the same without her, and the world will never be the same without you, too.” “Wow.” Maybe it was my imagination, but I thought I saw a sliver of a smile appear on his lips before he took another swig of beer. “Whatever you choose to do, gusto ko lang sabihin na sana ay hindi ka gumawa ng permanenteng desisyon dahil lang sa panandaliang bugso ng emosyon. We get one life, we should at least try to live it the best way we can.” Ni minsan ay hindi ko pa naranasan ang romantic love. Iniiwasan ko ito dahil hindi ko gusto na magkaroon ng komplikasyon ang buhay ko. I just want to be carefree. When guys would show motives, I would quickly brush them off. Natatakot akong matulad sa Nanay. Her intense love for my father led to longing, her longing turned into depression. Eventually, the depression turned into desperation. The desperation caused her to take her own life. “Bakit?” tanong ng lalaki. “Bakit ano?” Nilingon ko siya at nakita kong namumungay na ang mga mata niya. Ipinilig niya ang kanyang ulo bago nagsalita muli. “Why did you listen to all my sentiments? Bakit hindi mo ako nilagpasan na lang? What made you initiate a conversation with a drunk guy you know nothing about? I could be a bad guy, you know?” “You don’t look like a bad guy to me. And like I said, I lost my mother to ignorance. Simula noong nawala siya, naisip ko na maraming tao ang maililigtas kung may kahit isang tao lang na handang tumulong at makinig. Often times, a simple conversation is all it takes to change the course of someone’s life.” "We don't know each other. Why would you want to save me?" Nagkunot ang noo niya. Marahan kong kinuha ang ika-limang na bote ng alak mula sa kamay niya bago ito inilagay sa kabilang gilid upang hindi niya maabot. "Every human being is worth saving. God didn't put you in this world just so you can be an addition to the world’s population. That’s why.” “Are you insane?” “I probably am.” Tahimik kaming nagmasid sa mga taong nasa dalampasigan, masaya ang mga itong nagkukuwentuhan na para bang walang pinoproblema. Nagsisimula nang kumagat ang dilim ngunit marami pa ring tao. May mga nag-iihaw sa di kalayuan at naaamoy ko ang usok. Tila nalalasahan ko na rin ang bangus at barbeque na karaniwang handa sa ganitong lugar. May mga batang tumatakbo papunta sa dagat, mga magkasintahan na nakasakay sa jetski, at mga dalagang nagkukuhanan ng litrato. Sa lahat ng turista sa beach, ang dalawang matandang magkasamang naglalakad papunta sa kabilang direksyon ang nakapukaw ng atensyon ko. Halata sa pagkakulubot ng kanilang balat ang edad, ngunit kung titignan ay tila bata pa sila sa paraan ng pagkislap ng kanilang mga mata. Napansin kong tulad ko ay napako rin ang tingin ng katabi ko sa dalawa. "They look so in love. Bakit kaya hindi na lang gano’n? Why can’t everyone be loved back in return?" "Kasi that's not how life operates. There wouldn't be balance in the world if there is no pain. Parang bad days lang ‘yan. If every day is a good day, then we would no longer look forward to what’s in store for us tomorrow. Bad days serve as reminders that we should not take the good days for granted.” “You keep giving me life lessons. Umamin ka nga, do you do coaching for pageant contestants? I just asked a simple question and you ended up giving me an answer a Miss Universe contestant would've came up with." I stifled a laugh. “Kasalanan mo, madrama ka kasi." Hindi siya sumagot. Itinaas n’ya lang ang kamay na hawak ang engagement ring. The ring was beautiful and it shimmered under the moonlight proudly. “I don’t want to feel. When you feel, you are weak.” I sighed again. "Mali ka na naman. When you feel, you connect. When you connect, you live. It’s only through living that we will realize being alive is not just about breathing.” "There she goes again. One more witty phrase from you and I would start thinking you are a writer. Are you a writer?” “I’m not a writer.” “Okay.” He smiled. He actually smiled. “Salamat sa pakikinig. Now you know how I fell in love and how my almost-wife fell out of it.” “Hindi ka naman nahulog, bumangga ka,” pagbibiro ko na ikinaikot ng mga mata niya. Natawa ako sa term na ginamit niya, almost-wife. Whoever she is, I’m pretty sure she made the wrong decision of leaving this guy right here. He looked like a real catch, but who am I to know? Who am I to judge her actions? “I’m Raven Andrei.” He extended his hand. “I love you.” I shook it. He immediately pulled away. “What?” Bakas sa mukha niya ang labis na pagkagulat. Sinabi ko iyon para alam niyang may taong naniniwalang may bigat ang presensya niya sa mundo. “Bakit mo sinasabing mahal mo ako? We don’t even know each other!” “I don’t need to know the entire you to love you. People can hate you when they barely know you, even when they don’t know you at all.” Tinitigan ko siya sa mga mata at nakita ko ang pagtataka. “Tell me, why can’t it be the same with love?”