Write on me

Chapter 17| You really think he likes me?

Feelings.

Feelings were a strange thing because I never thought you could ever be sure of what you were truly feeling. All our emotions were manipulated by things that took place around us, but I guess there was a reason we had senses. Responding to our surroundings and being influenced by it was part of life, our environments shaped us and so did the people we let in to our life.

The rush of feelings that had filled me over the last couple of days since Dane returned had led me to take drastic measures with myself.

He had ditched school yesterday and, in his absence, I felt the need to do something different before he returned. Whenever I saw him there was always something different, he had a school look, weekend look and home look. It allowed me to see different shades of him without even trying and made him effortlessly interesting while I was always the same.

I was bored of myself.

“I am so in love with it every time I see it” Melissa gushed as she entered my room and I smiled confidently as I took in the golden blonde, shoulder length waves.

“So am I” I shyly admitted as I had always just looked in the mirror for necessity to ensure I looked presentable, but for the first time I truly liked what I saw.

All my life I had looked at myself as plain but never in a bad way, it was just a fact for me but I just didn’t want to be plain anymore. My sister’s words about me reaching that point had echoed in my mind as the feelings filled me so I had called upon her first thing.

She had been thrilled of course and while I hadn’t taken her up on her offer to get me a new wardrobe and saved my dad’s hard-earned money. I had made a life changing decision to shorten and lighten my hair. I previously had long, dark locks that I had hidden behind and liked because there hadn’t been any life to it so it didn’t draw any attention.

I had spent almost a decade of my life trying not to draw attention to myself yet people still spoke about me and looked at me so it was all pointless. I had just been allowing myself to be stagnant out of fear of more judgement and attention yet it came for me anyway.

“Okay, so I know you were adamant against the idea of a new wardrobe” I heard her behind me as I gently ran my fingers through my hair.

“Which dad was thankful for” I briefly glanced at her with an amused look while she simply rolled her eyes.

“That’s what we have grandparents for but anyway, while you were in the bathroom I pulled some looks for you.” The hesitation was evident in her voice and I knew it was because my wardrobe was always a touchy subject for me along with my looks.

I would always get upset with her for hating on what I liked. She would always defend me from any public scrutiny, but I always picked up on her subtle remarks though.

“Pulled some looks?” I raised my eyebrow and she moved towards my bed where I noticed were some clothing.

“You are going to walk into that school and have all eyes on you and we are going to make them envy you!” She shrugged as I made my way to my bed to get a closer look.

“I didn’t change my hair for them, Mel” I sighed as I had felt the need for a change for myself and maybe to surprise Dane but for no one else.

“I know. I am not trying to change you, these are your own clothes, Meredith. Just take it as you being my first client before I become a famous stylist one day” She smiled.

“Is that what you want to do?” I was surprised as I had never heard her speak about it but the hopeful tone in her voice let me know it was something she had thought and maybe dreamt about.

“I don’t know. We’ll see but please just give these outfits a chance?” She pulled her best puppy face while I sighed and reluctantly considered each outfit set out on my bed.

“I don’t like wearing these kinds of tops to school.” I didn’t have big boobs, but I still had some cleavage that I didn’t like drawing attention to. My sister was a cup smaller than me so she could pull off certain things in a better way.

“I know. We aren’t trying to get you detention for too much exposure. You’ll be wearing a baggy shirt over it. And you can pull it up or pull it down if you want to tease Dane a bit.” She nudged me while I shot half a glare to accompany my scrunched-up face.

“Or not. You keep living in denial, sis…”

I sighed as I chose one of the outfits to wear to appease her, “I am not in denial, I am just being realistic. I know the only reason you, mom and dad are okay with us hanging out is because we are friends.”

She sat down on the chair located at my desk and seemed to think about my words, “I don’t think I would have a problem with you guys dating but I would have to have a chat with him before that happens”

“A chat?” I laughed softly.

“Yeah. He needs to know that I don’t care what gang he belongs to, if he hurts my sister I will politely castrate him” She smiled as I got dressed in some jeans with a strappy top and threw over the shirt.

“I don’t think he even thinks of me as more than a friend and kissing buddy though” I frowned as I didn’t know how to read things, yes sometimes he reflected what I read in my books. But guys could do everything like they did in my romance books and it would all turn out to be an act to obtain something. He never showed any intention of wanting more than kissing but maybe the idea was there, if he got close enough and it was scary not knowing.

“So, you do think of him as more?”

I sat down and shrugged, “You said I do. I don’t know what these feelings are which is why I expressed them as best as I could to you”

She nodded as she had listened to me while helping me do my little make-over, “I wish you knew more about him. I don’t get how you spend so much time with him and you still barely know him”

“I know him, a lot about him and whatever I don’t know I choose not to know” I clarified as I always chose the questions I asked carefully, when I wasn’t blurting them out because of pure curiosity.

“If he is willing to tell you things why wouldn’t you want to know it?”

“Because I don’t want to lose him, Mel” I mumbled.

“If he has made it clear he wouldn’t mind telling you things to enlighten you then why would you think that you would lose him?”

“He is a guy, and he likes being this tough guy and he is. It's not like he is completely different with me, he is definitely rough around the edges but what if he tells me things and I don’t react the right way or I freak out and he just decides I am not worth the effort anymore?”

The day when he returned still lingered in my thoughts because while we had moved on from it I was still confused by his reaction due to me not being frightened by him.

“You sound like every girl that has fallen for a guy. I kinda feel like you just learned to walk” She cooed and clapped her hands together while I threw her with one of the clothing items I would not be wearing before I slipped on my sneakers.

“Don’t be dramatic!”

“You’re right! You actually falling for a guy that isn’t fictional is much more of an achievement than you taking your first steps” She gasped.

“Whatever. I think saying I have fallen for him is too strong of a word”

“Do you smile when you think of him? Do you dream of him? Do you have impure thoughts about him? Do you wish you could spend more time with him?” The giddiness in her voice amused me but the questions were ones I didn’t want to focus on.

“I am not answering those questions”

“Meredith, as long as I can remember. It didn’t matter what social thing we were doing you would always complain about how drained you felt afterwards but not with him. You truly enjoy your time with him and want as much time with him as possible. If you can’t get enough of someone then chances are that you have fallen for them. But I will stop using the word cause it feels like I am just freaking you out”

She was indeed freaking me out but I understood her reasoning though because I had read about it way too many times, “It’s just too much pressure. If I had known I would feel all these things and have all these plaguing thoughts I would have just found a new spot to sit and abandoned my comfy chair”

“You can’t run away from life, even though you have succeeded for the most part. These are the things that we live for, feeling and yes it can be annoying, but it can also be magical like when you kiss someone you like” She shrugged.

“Kisses are magical” I admitted while I tried to fight my smile and she laughed out.

“That they are”

●●●

“What’s wrong?” I heard Melissa’s voice as she shut the car off, she had just finished parking in her spot at school. I could feel eyes on the car as there always were to see what she would be wearing and just, so they could stare at her in awe.

“I am slightly nervous” I honestly admitted, they couldn’t see us due to the tinted windows, but I suddenly wished I hadn’t made the change because I didn’t want to deal with the possible commentary.

I had done it because it was something I felt like doing for me, but I feared them raining on my parade would shut down all excitement.

“I get it. Breaking out of your shell can be scary but as you repeated many times to me, you don’t care what they think. If you did, you would have changed up your look years ago so this was for you. Whatever they say can’t take away from the fact that you look gorgeous and are feeling yourself in every way”

“If the stylist thing doesn’t work out, you could become a motivational speaker” I smiled gratefully at her as my doubts always brought me down and she had always been there to silence them.

They would be back soon but for the moment her words had worked as we exited the car together.

“I will keep that in mind.”

I was about to add something but saw Adam wrap his arms around her before his eyes widened as he saw me, “Woah, Meredith. Looking good!”

“She does, doesn’t she?” Melissa smiled proudly at what she had created.

“Thanks, Adam” I smiled politely as I tried my best to ignore the nerves that filled me due to his reaction alone.

“I will see you after school” She pulled me into a brief hug before she walked off to his car.

I tried not to show how frantic I was that I would have to enter the school alone when I already felt some eyes on me as I made my way up the steps.

Several eyes fixed on me and they weren’t leering at me but instead their faces were filled with surprise as I made my way down the hallway that felt longer than usual. Dane hadn’t been at my locker and I hoped he hadn’t chosen to ditch again because I really wanted to see him.

I made sure I didn’t linger too long while I gathered my things from my locker because I didn’t want to increase the chances of someone possibly coming up to me to give some remark.

I saw Dane as I approached my class, he was seated in the back, next to the desk that was mine and seemed bored as he waited.

His head was rested in his hand as he stared out of the window with his hood already down as I entered. He heard my footsteps and briefly glanced at me, but his grey eyes widened as they truly took me in. I was sure he had assumed I was someone else at first and I was amused because of how I had managed to surprise him until he spoke.

“What did you do?” He blurted out as if he were accusing me of committing some horrible crime and I froze in place due to it.

“What do you mean?” My eyebrows furrowed as I didn’t know why he seemed so upset.

“You look different” He frowned and while I had been feeling confident before, I felt it slowly leave me due to the look on his face. I knew he would be shocked, its what I wanted but this wasn’t the surprise look I wanted.

“Does it look bad?” I whispered wearily as I moved down the row towards him again, having regained motion in my legs.

He seemed at a loss for words as the shocked look had yet to leave his face, “Not bad different. Just different…”

“You don’t like it?” I stopped at the second last desk which caused me to be a couple feet from him.

“I… Why does it matter if I like it or not?” His eyes finally met mine as they had been looking at every part of me before, except my eyes. The avoidance of answering my question should have made it very obvious how he truly felt about my new appearance.

“Because I… I value your opinion.” I shrugged.

His eyes scattered over my entire body again before he spoke, “I don’t know”

“You don’t know if you like it?”

“It’s just a surprise…” He sighed and gestured to me.

“That you don’t like. You think I look ugly, don’t you?” I glanced away and took a step back but knew I couldn’t go anywhere because my class was here.

“No!” His eyes widened, and he quickly stood up.

“But the way you are looking at me is weird. It’s a bad different” I whispered as my feelings were hurt whether he was denying it or not, the look on his face said otherwise.

I felt silly.

“Because you look different, I can’t help that I am surprised by it. I just have to get used to it but I think it looks great, Meredith.”

“Whatever” I sighed and moved towards my seat because I just wanted him to leave me alone.

It was apparent to me that I had not just made the change for myself, it felt like I was seeking for his approval and I didn’t like it.

“I am serious” He pressed as I dropped my bag.

“And I officially don’t care” I turned to stand in front of him and he looked down at me.

“Why are you upset with me when you are the one that changed completely. If I showed up bald tomorrow wouldn’t you be caught off guard?”

“So I look bald with short hair?” I half glared at him.

He narrowed his eyes and I watched as his jaw clenched slightly, “No. Don’t put words into my mouth.”

I glanced down and folded my arms as I lost the fight.

This was why I didn’t want him to reveal his parts he deemed as bad to me because you couldn’t control how your first reaction was. It’s what I knew but I still had this idea of how he would react once he saw me and this wasn’t it.

“You’re mad.” He stated, and I simply stared up at him as I didn’t feel the need to answer.

“I am not mad, just disappointed. You can’t hide your surprise at my horrid appearance and I can’t hide feeling hurt by your reaction” I could have just covered it up but his eyes on me compelled me to state how I truly felt even if it felt hard to say.

“I’m sorry, Meredith.” He apologized sincerely and ran a hand over his face in annoyance and it seemed to be at himself.

How did he look so rugged and tortured, yet the words sounded so sincere and sweet?

The feelings were back.

I leaned up on my toes just as his hands left his face and kissed him, it was the first time I initiated it but I didn’t feel nervous to do it. I just wanted to and he immediately returned it and lift me onto my desk. He stood between my legs and held my face as he kissed me while I found myself tugging on his hoodie to pull him closer.

All he did was apologize and I swooned.

Had I fallen for him?

“Ah, you are back!” I heard Emily and quickly pushed him away and briefly caught the smirk on her face as she moved towards her seat on the other side of the classroom.

I cleared my throat while he put his hood on and stared at me. I was about to sit down as I assumed he was on his way out but felt his hand wrap around my wrist.

It was weird but the only time we really had any contact was when we were kissing, other than that we just walked side by side and maybe allowed our legs to touch while speaking and seated on a bench or in a desk.

So, his fingers wrapped around my wrist caused unintentional goosebumps to form before he moved in front of me.

“You look beautiful, Meredith. You always look beautiful.” His voice was low with the intention of me being the only one to hear his words before a kiss was placed on my forehead and when I was finally done processing what had happened he was already out the door.

“I have never wanted a boyfriend again until now” I heard Emily.

“You heard that?” I whispered as I felt like I was still in a trance and wasn’t sure if it had been real.

Dane never commented on my physical features, he said a lot with his eyes about my body but never simple compliments.

I knew me putting in more effort and changing sparked it but him emphasizing that I always looked beautiful helped me feel that it wasn’t just the change that made him think that, it was just that he finally felt like saying it.

“Er yeah. And I saw that sweet forehead kiss…”

“He isn’t my boyfriend” I corrected her as I remembered what exactly she had said before while I had still been recovering from his words.

“Are you sure?” She stared at me suspiciously as I moved towards her, so I didn’t have to raise my voice to speak.

“I think I would know if I had a boyfriend.” I hugged myself and stood against the desk closest to hers.

She turned in her seat to look at me, “Meredith, we might not be hanging out every day buddies. But I observe a lot and I see him wait for you whenever we have a game. He watches most practices and then leaves as we are close to finishing”

The only times I had seen him was when he would wait for me at the end, I was sure I would have noticed him. “I didn’t know…”

“He is hard not to notice but that’s what makes you a great captain. You are completely in the zone when we are out there but some advice from my experience with two guys. Sometimes they don’t make it obvious by asking you to be their girlfriend, they just assume by certain things they do that you realize its exclusive.”

What she said made sense and she had experience that I lacked so she could have been right.

“He hasn’t really acted differently compared to the beginning so how do I know if he has established me as his girlfriend or even likes me like that?” I questioned genuinely seeking the answer and I wasn’t sure why I just chose to open up to her.

She didn’t seem to mind it though, and if she did she could have told people about our classroom activities by now.

“Oh, he likes you like that. I might not be able to see his face because you only get that privilege, but body language is key. Yes, maybe it’s s****l attraction but it’s more too. I mean, he might not hold your hand in the hallways but the looks he gives anyone that dares look your way could kill.”

“I feel so blind. I thought I was the observant one” I groaned into my hands before I held onto the desk I was rested against for support to help me process all of her words.

She smiled knowingly, “That’s because you were never on the other side of things. It’s easy to observe everyone and everything when you aren’t distracted by something else, in your case it’s him.”

“You really think he likes me?” I whispered as I had dismissed the thought whenever my brain would entertain it. I thought it was just me being hopeful or my sister trying to feed my thoughts but Emily was unbiased.

“Why else would he do all these things? He might be different from all the guys here but at the end of the day boys are all the same. They suck at saying the actual things they should, so they show it.”

I wanted to question her further but the bell rang and the students rushed in so I was stuck with her and my sister’s words playing around in my head for the rest of the period.