What Love Entails

nine

sous l’ame || nine

♠︎

"When I found out," I wrapped the blanket draped around me tightly as River listened to me intently. "I was so f*****g scared. It was going to change everything. I couldn't think straight."

"I remember how I used to dream of starting a family with you," I smiled. "But that was something for the future. So when it happened all of a sudden, I was so conflicted. We were just 16, for god's sake. How were we supposed to raise a family? It was too much of a pressure. And I thought you might think the same."

"I really wanted to tell you, River. But I just couldn't. Everytime I tried to, the words got caught up in my throat. In the end, I was too scared to tell anyone. I know it was really selfish of me, but I wasn't ready. I wasn't f*****g ready at all."

I exhaled deeply. It was hard revisiting the memories and feelings of that time. "But with time, I found myself looking at the bright side.You, me and the baby- a family. It was what I had always wanted."

I swallowed as I felt my eyes turning moist. "I was planning on telling you but then.. but then it happened."

As I finished telling him everything that I had kept bottled up for the past six months, a huge weight seemed to have lifted off my shoulders. Everything was supposed to have been let out back then. It took time but now that it was out, the itchy feeling that had been haunting me for so long finally seemed to dissipate.

River was silent, his eyes mirroring guilt and regret. "I'm so sorry, Kyla." He rubbed his neck with the back of his hand. "I just- I just felt so f*****g betrayed, you know."

He looked at me and everything about his demeanour screamed pain and hurt. "When I heard it from Bree, I didn't believe her. I didn't want to. But then I found out that it was true. You knew about it for a month yet you still didn't tell me. I thought that you would never keep something like that from me. It felt like you didn't trust me- like you thought so little of our relationship."

"When you said that you thought I might not want the baby," he let out a deep breath. "Something snapped in me. I felt so hurt and angry. How could I not want a child with you? You're right, we were really young, but somehow, just somehow, we could've made things work out. After all, I loved you and it was you I wanted a future with. So when you said that, I just couldn't think straight."

"I'm so sorry, River. I really am," I reached out to him and urgently squeezed his hand, feeling my chest constricting. "But it wasn't like that, River. You know I had always wanted a family with you, but it's just that I- I was so scared. I regretted it a lot, you know. I hated myself for not telling you soon enough. But I-"

"I get it," he squeezed my hand in return and gave me a soft smile. "And I'm sorry for not understanding you. I'm really sorry for leaving you when you needed me the most. I was such a coward and an asshole. I should've seen that you were hurting a lot, and I should've stayed."

My breath hitched as he stared at me with so much sincerity and regret in his eyes. I averted my gaze. "You must've hated me the whole time, right?" My voice was barely a whisper, scared to hear the answer to my question.

"I could never hate you, Kyla."

Warmth radiated in me the moment I heard his words.

All of a sudden something resurfaced in my mind, making me tense up. "River.." I gulped nervously, wondering if it was right to ask him what I was about to.

"Yeah?" He gave a reassuring smile that seemed to imply that he was ready to listen to whatever I was about to say.

With a racing heart, I proceeded to ask him. "Actually, I heard from the school nurse that some months back, you always visited the infirmary with lots of cuts and bruises. What was that? Why-"

He pressed his lips into a thin line. "I just- I got into a lot of fights those days."

"Why?"

He let out a strained laugh. "I was stupid. And mad. And upset. I would get riled up so easily and unnecessarily get myself into fights."

"I just wanted to let my anger, pain and frustration out. I lost two precious gems. The fact that I left you when you needed me the most made me hate myself. I couldn't bear it. I guess it was just my way of letting things out."

"But it's fine now. It stopped after a while. And genius me figured that it would be easier if I was an asshole to you."

"I didn't know," I whispered. "I'm so sorry, River."

"You don't need to apologize, Kyla. I did it myself. I deserved it for doing what I did; for leaving you."

I pursed my lips. "Does that mean you actually never stopped loving me?" I wanted to ask, but I bit my cheeks. What the hell was I thinking? Its been months now; feelings change.

"So is everything between us forgiven now?" I asked, and though I knew the answer, I still couldn't help feeling anxious about what he would say.

"Yeah," River smiled. "What do you think?"

I smiled and nodded. "I say we start afresh as friends again."

He grinned. "I'd like that."

"Looks like we're back on a roll," I grinned, although something inside me stinged as the words came out of my mouth.

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