SECOND CHANCE

CHAPTER 3

My knees got weak after I close the door behind me. I never thought that those words need a lot of strength to deliver. Just few months ago I am so ready to say those words in front of him. I even thought my heart is strong enough to not feel anything while doing so. When I saw the pain in his face I want to threw myself and take back all the words that I've said.

Deep inside me, I don't want to let go. I want to go back to his arms. I want to feel once again that I am his. Right there and then, I realized that, no, I am not over him. For four years, I am still in love with him. He's still my weakness. He's still the person that I love.

"Are you okay?" I heard Jay few steps away from me and saw Arm beside him.

I composed myself and stand firm. I forced a smile. I don't have enough strength to say any words. I pass through them. Get my things and leave without any words. I am afraid that if I'll stay longer I can't hold back and go back to him and ask to start over. I need to stand for my words. I ended it. I have to endure and move forward. Just like how I planned it. Just like it supposedly be.

I threw myself from the bed on my apartment. It is true that I am living with Jay at the same apartment but we have different room. He was in the room above me, to be exact.

I close my eyes tightly. Pick's face when I say my last words came across my mind. The pain in his eyes doubled the pain that I had felt. His face is still clearly on my mind. For four years, those pain is what I asked for. I wanted to see those pain in his. I want him to feel how miserable I was for those four years. From that day that he never go after me.

Just few hours ago, I finally saw the pain that I was looking for. But, it did not give me any pleasure. I am actually hurting more. Why does it has to end this way? Why did I just end it when actually I can start over.

Fucked my pride. I want to scold myself for being this confused. I don't know what I want. I want him but I don't want to be hurt again. I decided to take a shower and find something to eat. I need to clear my mind. This is not the right time to be confuse. I am here to work. Once my work is done I'll go back in Korea. There, I don't need to be confused. I don't need to feel any pain. I was fine for the last two years. Yes, there were times that I miss him. I even want to look for him in social media but I am strong enough not to do so.

"Why can't you be strong just like you were when you were in Korea?" I asked loudly while looking at my reflection in the mirror. I threw the towel annoyingly at the mirror. I can't stand being back to my weak self. I can't accept the fact that I did not changed. I am still the Rome that loves Pick from four years ago.

"Where are you going?" I saw Jay in the lobby with some paper bags. I think that was his dinner. "Care to eat with me?" he ask me while holding the bags up.

"No. Thanks. I just need some fresh air." I said forcing myself to put some gentleness on my voice. It's not right to threw tantrums to people around me when I am actually mad at myself.

"Oh, okay." I knew that I offended him. Jay always has this face that draw his feelings all over. This guy don't know how to hide.

I give him a smile and mouthed sorry. He just nod at me and turn his back. I always feel that when I was with him or other friends that I met in Korea, I am a different person. A person that I never was when I am around Pick.

I change my mind from finding something to eat alone to find something to drink. Whenever I am admist of missing Pick, I always get myself drunk. I get by, by drowning myself over a drink. Tomorrow all the pain will be replaced by another pain. A physical pain. And then, I will be fine again.

I was on my second glass when I saw a familiar person enter the bar that I am in. The bar was dim, but I knew it was him. He was all by himself just like me. He go straight to one of the empty table at the corner. My table is far enough not to notice me but it was a perfect spot for me to see what he was doing.

He removed his suit and fold his sleeves half way. I smile seeing him doing what he usually do. I never thought that my plan of clearing my mind over this guy will actually led me to acceptance that I am still inlove with this guy. I have decided, I will give it another chance. I still can't live without him. Those four years without him can't be considered living. I was like a robot doing my routine.

A realization suddenly hits me. Just few hours ago, I ended it. Completely. I brushed my hand over my hair harshly. I want to just kick myself for being so stupid.

I am completely drown by looking at him getting his self drunk. He was on his fourth glass when I saw him ask for the bill. I hurriedly ask for mine and follow him outside. I know he did not bring his car. And I confirm that he really did not. He's afraid to be caught driving under the influence of alcohol. He's still that Pick from what I remembered.

I just follow him far enough to not get his attention. I saw him slightly kicking everything that he saw on his way. He suddenly stop in the middle of the bridge that is few steps away from the bus stop. I saw him looked up like he was looking for something.

"Yeah, it's finally over." I heard the bitterness in his voice. "It was over when he left you four years ago without any words. Why did you just realize now that it was over?" He was still looking at the sky while talking.

I removed my hands out from my pocket. His back was in front of me. I want to give him a hug. I want to say sorry. I want to take all the words I just said. But my body would not cooperate. My pride still telling to stop.

"Thank you. For everything." I saw him removing something from his face. Now he was looking at the ground. "Sorry, I did not make it before you decided to stop from waiting." I hold my breathe while waiting for the next word that he'll say. I clearly hear what he was saying like he was saying it directly to me.

"I'm sorry for giving you those pain from four years ago. Again, I failed once again. I failed from protecting you. I failed from keeping you by my side." He paused and let a loud sigh. "I failed by letting you know that I love you enough."

I was so shocked when suddenly he turns to face me. He was looking directly to me. I want to ask when exactly the time that he realized that I was behind him. That I am actually following him.

"I love you. I just don't know how to show you. But I loved you. From then, until now." I saw the tears running down his face. I saw his eyes glittering for more tears to let out. "I'm sorry. And thank you."

The next scene was like one of the sad movie that I saw. All was blurred and I only saw him infront of me. All was in slow motion. I locked my eyes looking at his face. I saw him gently wiping the tears from his face. When he thought it was all dried up. He look me in the eyes and smile widely. "I love you." then, he slowly turn his back on me.

My brain was shouting at me. It was asking me to get my ass out and run after him but my body won't let me. I just stand there. Looking at him. Until he gets on the bus. I was just stupidly standing where I was following the trace where he was used to be.

I don't know how long I was standing there. I can't feel the alcohol all over me. It just suddenly flushed out of my system. I don't know what to do. I just want to scream at myself for being stupid but I can't. My pride won't let me.

Yes. That stupid pride was the reason why I did not run after him. Why, I just let him go just like that. That f*****g pride.

I don't know how I got back from my apartment. I just suddenly realized that I was already lying at my bed. I don't know what to think of. This time my mind is really cleared. I don't want to remember how stupid I was.

I heard a soft knock from the door. I knew it was Jay, probably asking me if I already eat something or just his usual self who loves to ask if I'm okay. I'm not in the mood to entertain him.

"Are you back?" I heard Jay's voice from the outside. Then, I heard another knock from the door. "Please answer if you were already there. Don't let me run after every bar around the area looking for you." I heard the seriousness in his voice.

I forced myself to get up and open the door for him. I know that if I won't answer he will surely look for me and gets worried. For how many times that he looked for me in the bar that I was regular on just because I won't answer him since I was too drunk to do so. I am always thankful for this guy.

"I'm about to sleep already. Now, go on your room and stop worrying." I said not looking at him while opening the door wide to help him go inside. I turn my back on him to get myself a glass of water when he suddenly give me a hug.

"I'm glad your fine. I thought I have to look for you in every bar because you were too drunk to get home." I can feel the relief in his voice while saying those words.

This guy always makes me feel comfortable. Probably all of our friends was suspecting us as a couple but no, he never had a romantic feelings for me. I pat his hand. "I am always fine."

"You were not few hours ago. And don't ever try to deny it on me. I know you enough." he close the door and join me at the sofa of my apartment. He get his self a glass of juice while I was gulping up my water.

"Stop worrying about me and start worrying about your "The one that got away"." I look at him. "This is the reason why you accept this project in the first place."

"He can't even remember me." I saw him grimace.

"Then, introduce yourself." I just shrugged and lean on.

"How? Like, "hey, I was that guy who confess on you 13years ago but then I had to go and live abroad right after without knowing what your answer is?". And, he doesn't seems to be into guys. And you confirm that."

"I never said, Arm is not into guys. I just did not saw him dating a guy. It's different."

Yes. I don't know if it was meant to be but this guy's so called "The one that got away" was accidentally one of my friend. When he found out that I was from the same city that he used to. He suddenly keeps on interviewing me and suddenly confess to me that he was looking for someone.

And then, all the miracle happens few months ago. When one of our friends, give us this project. He did not expect that it will be handled by Arm. He just accept the project grabing the chance to get back to this place and look for his guy. And luckily, he did not need to look for him since faith already do his job.

"What if we act as a couple and check his reaction to this kind of relationship? For me to know if I had a chance." I saw his pleading eyes near me.

I throw a pillow at him and sit properly. "He was aware of my relationship with Pick and he's fine with it. They were even close enough now to put up a business together."

"So, that Pick was the one who hurt you back then." he suddenly became so serious asking me this while sipping his juice.

"I want to go to sleep." I suddenly get up and look for a comfortable shirt to put on sleep.

"He seems like he still loves you." Those words make my self stop from what I am doing. I let a loud sigh.

"It was over. We already ended it." the bitterness of those words make my heart felt like it was stabbed.

"Yeah, it's finally over." the image of Pick looking up in the sky suddenly flashed from my view. To the tears in his eyes and that last smile. All the tears that was hold back suddenly comes rushing. I felt the warm from Jay's hug and it cause me to cry more. I let all the pain that was sitting over my heart for a long time.