1.0.0.3
1549 Words
I was brought up with relegios family. i grew up disgusted at people who are already engaging in i*********e despite not even being married. I was not even aware of the exitance of gay people back then. I thought that its just natural for girls to like boys, and boys, to like girls. though i haven't even experienced it, that's all my family and people around me was like. but as i grow older, in highschool i realized that there are all kind of people. there are people who are bold, that can have romantic relationship with the opposite s*x despite being only 14, and engage in s****l activities.
There are also girls in my school who would dress like boys and act like boys, and they call themselves tomboys. always goofing around with boys and would tell stories about their girl crushes. or there are boys, that are always hanging out with girls and would tell stories about their boy crushes.
When i was in my senior year i become a little bit friendlier. and come to understood that all of those things are natural. but even though i understand it, i decided not to participate. i spend my highschool not having a romantic feeling with anyone. maybe because everytime someone would try to get close to me for real, i would feel disgusted. who ever they are or what ever they are.
even animals cats, dogs, birds. I would feel uncomfortable when they started to open up to me just because I'm being kind, or pet them.
physical contact, is out of the window. i want to vomit everytime i was touched even if it was just ever so slightly a graze or a tap on the shoulders. i would immediately dust off that part and get away.
I never told anyone. and no one complained about it because i was not very close with anyone after all. though i can take the physical touch if im the one who's instigated it, or if they are the people i liked to be with.
However, if i hated that person, the mare sight of them is unbearable. so much more if they decided to touch me or even if it was just an accident. the part that they touch would feel really disgustingly itchy, not on the skin but inside the skin i feel like i would claw it out, scratch it out with a knife. or simply cut that part off completely. i dont know.
maybe it started when i found out that in my family a disgusting issue had happened. that i heard was the very reason why i was raised by my grandma.
one day when i was on my 6th grade i dont remember what day it was but, i dont have school that day. and i was alone at the house with my uncle, while grandma was on the field. i took a bath after a long day of playing outside. when i went back inside my room to change i feel like i saw an eye peeking out of the hole on the wall. on the other side was my uncles room. i dont know if i saw it right but i hurriedly change into what ever cloths was close to me. and run back outside. i did not came back until sundown and dark. until grandma came home. since then i would always go in the dark because its more comforting because no one can see me. that day also marks the day where i'll always be creeped out with the sight of my uncle. i dont even acknowledge him anymore. i would avoid him and if i cant i would act as if everything was normal.
until i visit my mom for the first time in many years. i was 15 years old that time. i have two more siblings with her new husband. it was the same this time. she doesn't have any luck with man. this one beats her up too. but the thing is my mom fights back. that's why its not only her that has injuries.
i never liked my mom, but i never hated her either, for abandoning me and not raising me, and dispite all of those she prioritize to have a man before working to make money for her child. i dont even care anymore i have my life, she have hers. but one night when we are looking after the store, while taking a sip of beer i asked my mom to have as well. my first ever taste of alcohol was with my mother.
she made this confession to me. the reason why she never want to come back home, and cant be with me at our hometown.
she told me that when she was a kid, her brothers would touch her, and she never thought bad about it because they were siblings, and she was innocent. but as she was getting older she found out that what they're doing to her was an act of s****l assault. but she could never do anything because she was afraid they would not believe her. and her suspicious were, right. no one was on her side. she was forced to endure until she become highschool.
my mom, came to have a lover and run away with him. but they came back to my grandmas house because they cant manage on their own. but when she came back she was pregnant, hence me.
but he would always beat her up. i know this already. even i thought it was the reason why she flee and never comeback. but it was actually because my mom told my dad, what her brothers did to her and was jealous because they are now living with that very brother.
my grandma and grandpa knows about this and they did nothing, i dont even get an answer when i asked grandma directly, why all of these were all have been left to happen. but life was hard for them before because they are poor.
I even found out that not only my mother has done with this to. but two of my aunt had said that their brother tried to do the same to them. but they're stronger and older, so they never got further with them. but my mother was the youngest at that time along with her twin brother. i even found out that eventually that twin brother join in with the assault later on
while i was being raised by grandma. she would always tell me stories about the past, if not the bible. i would ask about, my father but the only thing i knew was he was a drug addict, and a thief. but he is a good cook. and maybe this one phrase that he would repeatedly tell me as a baby, according to my grandma, stuck on me. 'don't let any man have me or touch me. dont show them my body. not even the bellybutton.'
thinking back. maybe it was the charm that keeps me from seeking physical attraction. i never liked to be alive, i regretted to be alive. but i never hated the person that raised me. though it has become a life goal for me to kill those people if i came across a change, I would do so.
maybe that's the reason why im not attracted to man. straight man specifically. but my heart would always skip a beat with gay man. im attracted to them. i liked how they are attracted to fellow man, and the fact that they would never be romantically attracted to me. im always rooting for them.
i have an oat to myself. that i would never give myself to any man or anyone. even if they are desperately in love with me. that's why i make myself as unattractive as possible to avoid being liked in romantic way. but if one person really did, i would be really awful to them, until they stop liking me. but if that person is persistent, i dont really care. If they want me.? they need to force me, they need to lock me up, and own me in some way or another. if they want s****l i*********e they have to r**e me to get it, but i will still fight. they need to disable me, to completely do that.
and ofcourse no one is going to know about it. no one have to know about it. Im not telling them about the only way to have me.
they need to be extremely desperate to discover the desire to posses me to completely have me.
and ofcourse no one is going to like me, the way i am now. no one will.
that's the ongoing plan. nothing will change.
i was never wrong about it. and I am never wrong.
.
.
at least that's what i can remember. i don't know this person. i don't know the me in this world.
in this world?
what about my life there?
i don't know if im dreaming right now?
or the things that i can remember was actually the dream?
who am i?
why do i have to be an omega?
.
.
.
•_<
- Writer
