Emacity

PROLOGUE IT WAS midnight when I felt myself awake, it wasn't because I was thirsty nor because I just woke up out of nowhere. I woke up because I heard a rumbling out of nowhere, and that was when I realize what it is. It isn't new to me already, since day one it's always like this. I went out of the room, tiptoing - trying to guess if my hunch was right. And it really is, as I walked out towards the living room. I immediately saw his body in his drunken state, lying on the couch. When will he gets tired? When will he gets tired avoiding me? When will he learn to teach himself to love me too? The same questions in my head everytime I see him like this. I went closely to him, and watched his innocent face. Messy hair, crimson face because of the alcohol he drank and his furrowed brows. "Caden, you went home drunk again" I shook his shoulder but he didn't even budge. "Go transfer to the room" I again tried to shake him but he only slapped my hands away from him, leaving a trace of redness. I looked at his hand. I wasn't even shocked that it wasn't there again. He'll only wear it when our parents are here, but when they're not? He'll shove it away from himself. I tried to carry him, pulling his arms up but he is too heavy for me. He only fell back on the couch. "WHAT?" I was shocked when he suddenly yelled. I must've woke him up. "Sleep in our room, it's cold here" I softly uttered, trying to not make anything arguable. "The hell you care?! I already told you to never talk to me if it's only the two of us! Is it difficult to understand?! Goddamn it!" I was surprised when he cursed, he isn't that kind of person. It sadden me to realize that he really changed a lot. And that's because of me. He stood up and walked side by side up towards the second floor of our house. He almost fell out of balance but I luckily held his arms and guide him. He again slapped my hand away from him. "Here" I weakly said opening the door of our room. He only glared at me and then went in the guestroom, he even slammed the door so loud it almost broke. Will it be always like this? He'll leave early in the morning and come home late, and drunk. Yes, I got what I wanted but this is the exchange? I already did everything right? But why can't he talk to me? nor look at me without his deadly glare. He can't even do that. He never was like this. He was that kind, sweet and loving man. Or he was really like that, but not to me. He was never into me in the first place, it was only me who is deeply into him. I thought it was just a simple attraction, I didn't thought it would bloom into something else. I am just hoping one day he'll see that I really tried to make this whole thing works. I walked infront of the guest room's door. I tried to open it but it was already locked. He even locked it as if I am a ghost that should be feared of. I looked up the ceiling. I didn't even notice that I was already crying. Yes, I successfully got what I wanted, that he will be mine but why does it felt like there's something wrong? Why does it felt like it was only his body and presence that are mine. But his mind and heart? Was still left on her. When will it be me? He is my life, but I will never be his. Can I still do this? Can I still push it when I already knew that this can't be push since the first time? Can I still wait for that day to come? That it is me that whom he love? Because I'm still a human, I chose to be a martyr 'cause that's what I deserve to do. I love him, but I also feel tired. I still also lost breathe from all the running. I was just hoping one thing, and that is for him to love me back. Not because he was oblige to do that, nor force to do that. But because he just love me, for who I am and for what I become because of him ...