Chapter Two: Problems

Again with the first half of a tragic life. It has been a long 24 years got all my ups and down sideways twist. I don't remember anything much as a baby but I do know growing up you go through so much obstacles that is not even funny. I do know this even started from a little girl I did hope that my life will change I really did want everything that life had to offer cause I felt I wasn't good enough. But all wells ends well right. Here is the story of the beginning of my life: I was born on March 9 in Lubbock Tx at 455 am in Southwest General Hospital which is now called Covenant Hospital. I was supposedly born to a women by the name of Sky Williams whom had 14 other children me being the one of the youngest one out of all of them. The Crazy thing is that I never knew until recently that I was sexually abused or neglected as a baby. That is why I was given up as a baby. I think I was even taken away from my original birth mother not from my adopted mother but from my birth mother. I think the women whom took me was literally a surrogacy stealer because the older I get I look nothing like any of the Washingtons. I figured out this year that all this stuff happened to me until July. When I found out I got depressed real bad but I kept fighting. well anyways that is the present time I am doing the past time. Back to when I was young my father passed away at the age of 3 for me. It took my adopted mother forever to adopt me. It was worth it though I fell in love with my adopted mother. It was only because she was about 50 something years old when she was born. That is all. Going forward a little bit to my later years I always had this weird little head with a big a*s forehead attached and a skinny a*s body. So I was a little bullied too I hated being dark skinned I imagined it was the worst thing for me in America. People in my family picked on me for years just because i was an Oreo which I loved being and still do. I never thought it would be this bad being the black sheep. It was always three people in my family that I cared about which was Gladys, Mayme and myself only because it was us three against the world. But around the time she moved back from Roosevelt she started to do stupid and idiotic s**t like doing drugs, stealing money which I was doing too, smoking cigarettes, talking back to my mom and then she went to DEAP for having m*******a. So she got expelled from school effectively and went there when everything was completed. She moved back in with my mom in January of my 8th grade year and thats when everything bad for me started happening. I had my jokes with Antoine whom is now considered a brother for me. However, I never really told anyone in the world that I was depressed but i started googling things like how can I die silently?, why should I kill myself, and the more I googled it. The more sadder I got I wasn't myself anymore. A couple of months later guess who was the first one became my world and my heart and at that time my only reason for living was. In the black family, you cant really be suicidal or depressed not only based on religious reasons but also its because black families think its the stupidest thing to believe in especially my mom and sister. I should tell you this her name is Aleah and she is my niece. Chapter 3: When did it happen? The Crazy thing is I am still alive because of this 11 year old perfect girl to me. We have to rewind my life a little back to when I was little I needed to be saved and she was it. Around 6 years old after my died had died from lung cancer and from smoking cigarettes and drinking. She had legally adopted me. which wad a good thing but if you ever felt like the black sheep in the family it actually leaves this giant hole in your heart and soul. Mayme which at the time was my adopted sister that my mom had also adopted. She did what she had to do. From then own going up around them felt weird they always bullied me about being the adopted one. Me and mayme always felt like we were against the world with them too. So, when we moved to an all white and Hispanic school when I was 10 years old because my big sister at the time moved to a place called Yellow House Canyon. Going through those years I was okay until Mayme moved back to Estacado because she got into trouble at school. Jumped into the car and went all the way to Houston Tx and drove her car into a ditch. Came back Mayme was back in foster care cause she threatened my mom and said that she will kill her if she ever try to find her. Left the door unlocked and just snuck off into the middle of the night. Around March I started growing into depression strongly, I started looking up how to kill myself, everything about death, and etc..... then a little girl named Aleah was born around March 30, 2010. Gave me a reason to want to keep living and I did. I swallowed my pride in a couple of months after she was born told my mom and sister. I don't know if you know this or not but in black families you cant be suicidal or homosexual really. So when I told them all they said was that was stupid and told to make a pros and cons list. The only reason I had for living was Aleah a child that wasnt even mine. Even after that, I thought from time to time to stick a g*n to my head and pull the trigger because it would just be easier that way. Chapter 4: Why? You ask yourself a lot of questions like what if I deserve to be in a better relationship? why should I stay here? why do I feel so alone? because it feels like when you need to be protected nobody is there for you at all. So, you have to excuse me if I have to fight to protect myself and the people I care about because nobody else would do it. A couple of years later I moved back to Estacado High School at the 9th grade in March 23 my mom got better. Spent the first couple of days alone eating in the cafeteria and in the bathroom. Through the years, it stayed middle ground and after 18 years old it seemed like my life got tangled up in a whole bunch of s**t and a year later in 2015 i got into a car crash in Nov went into another deep depressions state after that went to a counselor and everything and still didn't do the trick. Mayme contacted me a couple of times trying to be friendly again. didn't answer to it. During before time, I fell in love with someone my first love I actually had between two choices but the first one at that time was too far reached. I choice the second one who became a 4 year relationship with me. I actually would like to fast forward some and say I found out last year that he had cheated on me with two other girls. Not really that important though my first love was actually my first time. I couldn't let him go without a fight but I couldn't stay with him either because he was a terrible person for me. Then the year before last happened I tried another suicide attempt with an actemaphine overdose and ended up in the hospital. and a couple of months later moved to San Antonio Tx homeless because I couldn't take being with my family anymore. I thought it was going to be easier then I fell in love again with a man named Frank whom for the first couple of months we were ok but after I find out he was married with two kids he started lying to me and cheating on me with a chick Santa. He never cared and I ended up losing my baby because I didn't know that skinny people had to eat a lot. I sat in my bathtub crying over and over asking someone to help me. after my rainbow baby. Towards the end I broke up with him and moved on in May then came back in July and broke up one more time in August and haven't talked to each other since then. I really loved him I guess for him it wasn't enough. Suddenly I am currently in this stage right now of my life I am not pregnant pregnant which is the weirdest thing because I keep getting failed pregnancy test but my stomach is exploding in front of me in a circular stomach thing. My sister came over here the other day and make it seem like I was just going to be an abandonment mother didn't believe a word she said it just still hurt when you been through hell and back.