The Devil's Guide To Ethics

Mathematics and metaphysics of romance

You're not meeting anyone significant because you're looking. You have this list of unreasonable expectations based on your past. You forget that these people are human. That's why you're alone. Of course you're going to see "red flags" because if that's what you're looking for, that's what you'll find. Everyone has them to some degree... everyone is healing and growing... everyone just wants someone to see and accept them. If you think you're too good to give someone a chance at least, you're doing this to yourself. You can call them f**k boys or hoes or whatever... how far has that mentality got you? Then you might find someone decent but they won't want anything to do with you... why? Cause you enter in with the same unreasonable expectations that chased everyone else off. If you want to stop being alone, acknowledge that there's more to this life than romance. Understand that barrier between romantic and platonic. Understand the value of both. If you're in a relationship that cuts you off from having friends or a life outside of your relationship... that person is literally snuffing out everything they liked about you in the first place. That time away and that discomfort with being alone is a good thing because when they come back (if the come back) you see that this person is choosing you. You see the person's genuine love and desire and if you don't give them that space to be themselves... who's going to choose a cage? If they don't come back, reflect on your part that you played for your growth and grieve the part they played. But above all, take time to grieve and feel the pain. If you run from that pain, you'll be using your failed relationship to measure future relationships that are going to be completely different on so many levels. If you find someone, take your time. Open yourself to the idea that they may not be it for you. Or that you may not be it for them. Rejection hurts but its better than the feeling of chasing someone who doesn't want you. Or on the flip side, not doing the hard thing of rejecting someone and leaving them hanging... then you lose a potential (or existing) friend simply because you failed to communicate and left them in one of the most intense emotions possible. I think another factor is both communication and exercising compassion for where people are at. Objectively, I've seen so many existing relationships ruled by fear. Fear to communicate for how their partner will take it. This is a misuse of both communication and compassion. Every problem in a relationship can be solved so long as both parties are willing to work together. Of course there's deal breakers. You both need to regularly consider that the relationship is fallible. Plan for it. Give yourselves the choice. Its not an anticipation of it ending but choice is important. When you can see a person choosing you, you see when, where, why, and how. Everything you need to know will be in that. People treat dates like these high pressure situations rather than just having fun. They tell themselves that they need this to be it and they put pressure on themselves to not be alone... some people who value being alone even go the other route and doubt if a relationship is what they need. Go on those dates, explore those ideas and different ways people interact. If you like it... explore it. If it fails, carry that experience because there's good and bad in that time. Its really sad to think that when someone says that they're dating someone that there's a stigma that people start to assume "oh they're together and official". Relationships and commitment shouldn't be instant. Why? I've learned that instant relationships create unfair pressures to instantly change a good chunk of your lifestyle to have that commitment. I can't tell you how many times the phrase "i love you" has come up and followed by pure expectations of "oh when are you gonna stop everything you're currently doing in life to become husband material... i never really got the time to figure out what "i love you" really means. So its just become this word i associate with women forcing me to change everything i have going in unnatural ways like: completely shed all affection you may have for past partners and/or crushes you may have, your only responsibility is this relationship... if anything else becomes important i will take it personal, you can't have attraction or desire for anyone else... you gotta snuff out your body's natural reaction and feel ashamed...

Again... my point carries back to my thesis that choice is important. If you're not giving your partner that choice or potential partner that choice to be with you, its not a relationship. Its a cage. Just let go. Let go of your expectations, let go of this need to not be alone, let go of this sense of pressure you're putting on yourself to make things work, let go of the blame for yourself and others when it doesn't work... just exist and explore life. We're not here to coddle some controlling relationship. We're not here to feel guilty or self conscious on a constant basis over rejection. We're not here to fill some void that we think is gonna keep us from drowning. Rather than using that time to hunt or put pressure on ourselves to make things happen that we really have no control over... why cant we just take it day by day. Appreciating the good and bad experiences for what they are. Not some cosmic symbol that defines our lack of free will but just situations that exist from our choices that nourish and teach us to do better. If everything was happy we'd lose the value of happiness and if everything was sad, than at the very first conceptualization of death, we would've chosen that. But to say that everything is either would be a logical fallacy. I don't expect many to take the time to read this whole thing cause half the people out there will throw away a whole book because there's one or more things they disagree with. But this is just my experience and i think it can bring perspective to a lot of people just based on what I've seen them post. To the people in my life who see themselves in this, i urge you to reflect and take this for what it is. I don't name anyone or share specific experiences or people here because you're not the only one doing this. You're not alone and I've seen many people in your negative feedback loop. Its just frustrating how none of you see the humanity in your situations. Sometimes you fail to see your own humanity enough to piece together and accept how your struggle was created. Don't hold yourself to instant change. Even when you discover the real problem, honest change is hard and raw... but more real. That change only comes without that pressure to instantly become more. That's why on a regular basis my growth mentality says "that's something to work on". Not that I'm holding all these growth opportunities to the pressure of completion, but i mentally start my journey to explore it and what it means to me. I do it by my standard because my life will then emulate what i discover and teach me what's right and wrong in that growth i chose. My standards and those of everyone around me are always changing. Are value systems in totality are like psychological calculus. You can find a value at a point in time but you cannot say that there's not contradicting values. Only difference is that if humanity was a graph it would defy logic on an exponential level. The value system of humanity in math becomes the value of "i". Imaginary values become real when multiplied by themselves. Much like our thoughts and value system when they're externalized and validated. But does that mean that the single number you've both come to has an absolute definition in reality? No because it's infinitely changing between positive and negative... imaginary and tangible. In portions and entirety. So think of a principle of something like a romantic soul mate or a true love. For a concept like that to exist, 2 conditions would have to be met mathematically. Take the value of i and make it real for 1. Next you listen and consistently see the rates of change. Those who look at the numbers rather than the patterns, will fail to see. Define a person as a number, you'll never see them. Leave a person undefined and examine the patterns at given points. You'll see what you can follow. Again we're humans... not machines. We can't constantly calculate the human psyche and where people are at. This metaphor was an emulation of that complexity. That complexity of not letting go. You can calculate every move but completely miss variables. Because we don't know all the variables. The universe is infinite and we cannot possibly grasp a full understanding of it within our frequency of perception. We work with what we know. We learn. We grow. And who knows... maybe one day someone can find a way to expand the frequency of human perception. But no matter what we do to control our reality, we will fail. Reality is nature, nature is free will, free will is choice.