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1004 Words
A raindrop hit my forehead. I looked up too. The drops fell faster until it was full on raining.
He abruptly stood up. "Let's get back to the car," he said.
Not when I was this close. "James, tell me."
"You're going to get a cold."
"James, tell me!"
"I've already told you. More or less." He put his hand through his hair. He looked completely distraught. "I thought you understood."
"Understood what?" I felt so dense. "What am I not the answer to?" I stood up. "What did she mean when she said to stop running? What are you running from? Don't push me away again. Don't do what she said you would."
"I was trying to protect you. I told you that."
"But what are you trying to protect me from? Why do you think I shouldn't be with you? It can't possibly be that bad. Just tell me what it is."
"Damn it, Penny." He pulled me against his chest and kissed me. It was angry and hard and hot. His hands slid to the small of my back. He pushed my shirt up slightly so that his palm was against my skin.
"Stop." I pushed on his chest. He was so manipulative. "Stop using s*x as a weapon."
"I don't..." He looked at my face and released me from his grip. He took a step back from me. "I didn't realize I was doing that."
What I had said seemed to hurt his feelings. But I couldn't dwell on it right now. That wasn't what I wanted to talk about. "Tell me what you're hiding. You told me no more secrets. Don't you want us to work? Tell me!"
"I have told you! I told you that I was drunk all of college. I told you that I've had s*x with dozens of women. I told you I threw myself into my career in order to avoid my life. Everything I did was so that I didn't have to face reality. Whatever horrible thing you can think of, I've probably done it. I told you I wasn't a good man. I told you that."
I swallowed hard. The rain against my face felt soothing. I wasn't sure what to say. I did know all that. That couldn't be what he was hiding.
"I'm an addict, Penny." He looked so young and so vulnerable.
What? He didn't drink that much. He didn't seem like an addict to me at all. He usually seemed calm and collected and completely in control. And then Isabella's words came back to me. I didn't see it because he wasn't addicted to drugs or booze right now. He was addicted to me. I'm his drug?
"Penny? Say something."
"All this talk about forever..."
"I mean it."
"But what happens when you get bored with me? Will you go off chasing your next high?"
"No." He lowered his eyebrows. "I'm not addicted to you. It's different with you, it's not the same."
"How do you know?"
"I was trying to avoid my life. I was miserable. Every day I felt like I was suffocating. I needed an escape. But I'm happy now."
"Because of me? Or because of teaching? Or what?"
"It was my decision to come here."
"Because you walked in on Isabella..."
"Yes. But I came here for me. I'm living the way I want to live. I'm not answering to anyone else. I don't need an escape anymore."
"Isabella said you needed to get help."
"I've gotten help."
"So you're not addicted to drugs, or alcohol, or work, or...sex anymore?"
"No. I haven't been addicted to anything since I left the city. I was living a life that wasn't mine there. I was numb. Those things made me feel alive. They sustained me. They were a choice I could make for myself."
"So you chose to do them? That doesn't make you an addict, James. If you had control over your choices..."
"I couldn't stop, Penny. Whenever I was able to pull myself out of one thing, I just moved on to the next." His words hung in the air. "Don't look at me like that. I'm not addicted to you. I'm not going to move on. I need you in my life. I need you, Penny."
He needs me. All of his words now seemed to have a double meaning. But didn't I need him too? When he didn't talk to me for weeks I was a complete mess. My world had become isolated and cold. And I had hated it. I hated my life without him.
"Penny, I've made so many mistakes. But I was young and stupid."
"You're still young."
"Okay. But I'm not stupid anymore." He gave me a forced smile.
"Addicts are like...it's not something that goes away, is it?"
"No, it's not."
"So, how do you control it?" I felt stupid asking these questions. The age gap between us suddenly felt larger than before. He was an adult, with adult problems. All I was worried about was my next Stat test. And now him.
He lowered his eyebrows slightly. "My therapist helps me with that."
"You have a therapist?"
"I do." His eyes searched my face. "He doesn't think I'm addicted to you either."
"You talk about me?"
"Yes."
"He knows that you're dating a student?"
"Doctor patient confidentiality. He did advise me against it. I think he's glad that I ignored his advice though."
"Why?"
"I'm happier when we're together. Everyone can see that."
It was weird, standing in the rain so far apart. It made me feel so separate from him. I didn't like that feeling. "Why didn't you just tell me?"
"Because I liked the way you looked at me. Like I was strong and in control. It made me feel like I could be those things for you. I thought everyone could see my demons when they looked in my eyes. You never did. You just saw me. I didn't want that to change."
- Writer
