The Light to My Darkness

17

"I don't think any differently of you." His words made me want to cry. I didn't have much self confidence. I thought he was the opposite of me. But we were more alike than I thought. He was so broken. I didn't want him to feel that way.

"You do. You're looking at me right now like I'm weak."

"I don't think that you're weak. You're incredibly strong for overcoming something like that."

He put his hands in his pockets. We were both completely drenched. He was staring at me. The distance between us was unbearable.

"I don't want you to leave me," he said slowly. "But if this is too much..."

"No. James." I closed the distance between us. "I'll never let you go."

"I'm not addicted to you."

"You keep saying that. And all I can think about is how rude it sounds." I smiled at him.

"I don't understand how you can keep choosing me. I'm..."

"Perfect. Everything that you've been through has made you who you are. And I love the man I see in front of me. I love you so much."

It started raining harder. "I'm divorced." He almost had to yell it over the rain.

"I know."

"No more of this waiting nonsense?"

"No. My heart is yours."

He was smiling down at me. "I'm divorced!" He picked me up and twirled me around.

I laughed as he set me back down on my feet. I rubbed my palm against the scruff on his cheek. "You're all mine."

"All yours, Miss Taylor." He turned his head and kissed my palm.

Miss Taylor. That wasn’t my name anymore. That wasn’t me. I was Mrs. James Hunter. And I couldn’t live without the man in front of me. I couldn’t breathe without him either.

“My heart is yours,” I mumbled into his chest. “Forever and always. It’s yours, James.”

He held me even tighter, if that was possible.

I wasn’t the same vulnerable girl from my memories. I was strong. I was whole. I was a wife. And a mother. All the memories came to a halt. “Liam.” My voice came out like a croak as I pulled away from James’ embrace. “We have to go to Liam.” I remembered him. I remembered him kicking me constantly. And I remembered knowing he’d be a little boy. I knew it. And now he was here and he hadn’t really met me. The real me.

“You’re soaked,” James' mother said. “Come inside. I’ll have Helga dry your clothes. And then we can all go see him together, okay?”

It felt like I was running out of time. Like I needed to see him right this second. As if there was a clock ticking down in my head approaching zero. “No, I need to see my son. He doesn’t know…he doesn’t know how much…”

James grabbed both sides of my face. “How much you love him? He knows, baby. Take a deep breath for me. My mother is right. We’ve both just been through surgery. We can’t afford to get sick on top of everything else. Liam needs us to be strong right now.”

Surgery. Surgery. The words echoed around in my head. “James.” I placed my hand on the left side of his chest. God, James. I could feel his heart beating through his shirt. “James.” My voice cracked.

“Let’s get in out of the rain.”

My dreamlike state returned as he guided me into the house. His mom started talking and pointing but I didn’t hear anything she said. But I did register the fact that she smiled at me. I had never seen her smile at me before. Right?

James and I walked into a guest bedroom. I had a million things I needed to tell him. He didn’t know about Dr. Nelson. He didn’t know what pieces of us I remembered. I had apologized, but he didn’t really know how sorry I was. How could I put it into words? How could I ever apologize enough?

“Penny?”

He pulled me out of my thoughts. The way he was staring at me made it seem like I had missed something. Like he had been trying to get my attention for some time. He was staring at me expectantly. I didn’t want to miss any more moments. I had already missed so much. I wanted to apologize again. I wanted him to hold me again. Kiss me again. But there was a distance between us. I thought we had just closed it. But in this cold, unfamiliar room? I felt it. Like there was a c***k in the ground separating us.

“Hop in the shower to warm up. We can talk afterward. If you want,” he quickly added. “It’s fine if you don’t want to.” He gave me a small smile that for some reason looked sad.

What had I missed? What had he been trying to ask me?

“Leave your clothes out here so I can give them to my mom’s maid,” he said before I could ask. “I’ll go grab you a towel. And just…let me know when you’re done, okay? There’s another shower down the hall that I’m going to use real quick.”

I remembered showering with him. I remembered doing that a lot. But we weren’t alone. We were at his estranged mother’s house. And she and Rob were both waiting for us. This wasn’t the time or place for us to reconnect. But I so badly wanted to reach for him. My body didn’t move though. And my throat didn’t seem to be able to work. So I just nodded. My apology from earlier definitely wasn’t enough. How could it have been? I almost ruined us. And I felt the distance between us reverberating through my soul.

I turned away from him. We weren’t okay. Would we ever be okay again? Tears welled in my eyes as I closed the bathroom door behind me. I waited for the water to run scalding hot before I stepped under its stream. It should have burned my skin, but I barely felt it.

It was like the steam was choking me. Like it was everything I had done in the past week trying to push me down. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” I couldn’t breathe. What had I done? What a f*****g mess I had made. “I’m sorry.” My knees buckled and I fell to the tiled floor of the shower. “I’m sorry.” My son was alone in a hospital fighting for his life when I didn’t remember him. “I’m sorry.” My daughter tried to accept the imposter that I was, but missed her actual mother. “I’m sorry.” And James? James. I tried to leave him. I tried to dismiss the life we had built together. I broke us. “I’m sorry.”

I heard the bathroom door squeak open and swallowed a huge gulp of air even though it didn’t seem to fill my lungs.

“I have the towels.” James’ voice was quiet through the steam and the sound of the water.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled to the floor. I wanted him to be able to hear me, but I was out of strength. My whisper disappeared into the steam.