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1034 Words
“Penny?”
“I’m sorry,” I said again.
The shower door opened but I kept staring at the tiled floor.
“Jesus.” His hands were on me in a matter of seconds, trying to help me back to my feet, but I resisted his help.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
“Baby, it’s okay,” he said in the voice he used for Scarlett. Like I was just some innocent child that had done nothing wrong. But that wasn’t true. I had done everything wrong.
“None of this okay!” I couldn’t breathe. “I broke us. I broke us.”
“You didn’t break us. I’m right here.” His hands gripped my shoulders. “You came back to me. That’s all that matters.”
“But I tried so hard to push you away.”
“And failed. You failed. I’ve never wanted you to fail in anything you do except this. You failed at this one thing, and I’m so grateful. Penny, look at me.”
I couldn’t look up at him. “How could you possibly keep loving me despite how awful I was?”
“Because that wasn’t you. You weren’t you. It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay! I was awful! I tried to leave. I…” I was choking on my words. “I wanted to leave everything behind. I wanted to leave you. I wanted to start a new life that had nothing to do with this one. How can you just stand there saying it’s okay?”
He knelt down on the floor with me. “Oh, baby.” He cradled my face in his hands and tilted my face up so that I’d look at him. “That never would have happened. There’s no way you could live without me.”
It was such a cocky thing to say. But he didn’t say it in an arrogant way. He said it as he stared deep into my eyes. He said it because it was true.
My eyes dropped to the towel that was wrapped around his waist. And the perfect V line that dipped beneath the towel. I remembered this. I remembered us. But a memory was so different from reality. I wanted to experience him. And there was no better apology than a b*****b. I had heard that phrase before. From Rob maybe? Who the f**k cared. I wanted James to know that I loved him. That I’d always love him. That I was so f*****g sorry.
I grabbed the knot in his towel and pulled.
He reached down to hold it in place.
“You’re healing, Penny. We can’t…”
“I need you. I feel like I can’t breathe. This…this will show me that we’re okay. This…” I pulled harder, but he gripped the towel tighter too. It didn’t budge.
I swallowed hard. I remembered the s*x being amazing. I knew that he was perfection underneath that towel. But he wasn’t offering that to me. He didn’t want me. And I honestly couldn’t remember a time when he didn’t want me. It felt like my heart couldn’t beat any faster. That my cheeks couldn’t be any redder. I swallowed hard. He doesn’t want you anymore, Penny. You ruined everything.
I pulled my hand back like his skin had stung me. Of course he didn’t love me anymore. He was a Greek god. And I was just…me. The scales were so tipped in his favor that it didn’t make any logical sense for us to be together in the first place. Except one thing that wasn’t tangible. He loved me. Love balanced the scales. But I lost it. I lost him.
Minutes ago he had run down the steps of this house and kissed me like I was his whole world. Now? He had time to realize that I wasn’t worth it. He had time to see me crying on a bathroom floor. He had seen me. The real me. A literal puddle of the person I once was. And now he knew better than to love me.
I expected him to walk away from me. Instead, he pulled me into his arms and hugged me impossibly tight. And as soon as his arms were around me, I started crying again. I hugged him back. Maybe he didn’t want to make love to me anymore, but I’d take what I could get.
“I don’t know what else I can say.” My words were jumbled by the water falling on top of us. “I don’t know how to apologize enough. I wasn’t me. And I was horrible to you. But that wasn’t me. That’s not how I feel. I love you. I love you, James.” I was clinging to him so tightly I wasn’t sure he could breathe.
“Just don’t leave me again.” His words almost got lost in the steam, but I heard them. “My heart can’t take it. Please stop running away from what we have.”
Suddenly everything clicked. Like a million little pieces falling into place. He thought I ran out on him again tonight? That’s what he thought? God. “James, I didn’t run out on you tonight. I didn’t. I know I tried to once, but I’d never do that now.”
“It’s okay, I’m just glad you’re back…”
“James, I swear I didn’t. I was already starting to remember what we had. It was Dr. Nelson. He attacked me in Central Park.“What?” The vulnerability in his voice was gone. He pulled back and he looked like he was about to commit murder and end up in a jail cell right beside the one Dr. Nelson was probably sitting in right now.
“It’s okay, he’s in custody. Dr. Nelson tried to hurt me, but Tyler saw the whole thing. He stopped him.”
“Tyler saved you.” He said the words slowly like he didn’t understand.
“Yeah…I guess you could put it that way.” I wasn’t sure what he wanted me to say. Yes, Tyler had rescued me. I couldn’t exactly sugarcoat the truth.
- Writer
