CHOSEN. EVERY DAY

The snow was falling when I walked into the Cole mansion for the first time. Big soft flakes that stuck to my eyelashes and made the whole world look clean. The house was huge. Lights in every window. It looked warm from the road. Like a home in a magazine. It did not feel warm when the car stopped. I was twenty two. I had one suitcase. Two hundred dollars. And a sister in the hospital who needed surgery. The driver opened my door. Miss Carter, he said. Thank you, I said. My voice was small. The driveway was so long. My boots crunched on the snow. The house kept getting bigger the closer I got. The door opened before I knocked. Mrs Delgado. Gray hair. Kind eyes. Apron. Miss Carter, she said. Yes maam, I said. Come in. It is freezing. I stepped inside. The heat hit me right away. The house smelled like wood and lemon and something expensive. Mr Cole is waiting in the study, she said. Follow me. We walked down a hallway that felt like a mile. Paintings on the wall. Flowers in a vase bigger than my head. It was so quiet. She stopped at a big wooden door and knocked. Come in, a voice said. Low. Rough. Tired. Mrs Delgado opened the door. Miss Carter, she said. Then she left me. I walked in. Damian Cole was standing by the window. His back to me. Black coat. Gray at his temples. Snow falling behind the glass. You are the new nanny, he said. He did not turn. Yes sir, I said. He turned then. Dark eyes. Sharp. And so sad it hurt to look at him. He was handsome. Painfully handsome. But tired. Like a man who had not slept in years. The twins are upstairs, he said. Lily and Leo. Ten years old. Their mother died two years ago. Car accident. I am sorry sir, I said. Do not be sorry, he said. Be present. Yes sir, I said. He looked at me. From my face down to my cheap boots and back up. You are very young, he said. I am responsible, I said quickly. Something flickered in his face. Almost a smile. Dinner is at seven, he said. Your room is on the second floor. Next to the children. Mrs Delgado will show you. Thank you sir, I said. He nodded. That was it. Mrs Delgado showed me to a small room. Bed. Desk. Window with snow on it. The children’s rooms are next door, she said. If they cry, you will hear them. Thank you, I said. At six thirty I went upstairs. The playroom. Lily and Leo. Same dark hair. Same pale skin. Same quiet eyes that looked too old. Hi, I said softly. I am Elena. I will be taking care of you. Neither looked at me. Lily, Leo, I said again. Lily tilted her head. Are you going to leave too, she asked. The question hit me in the chest. No baby, I said. I sat on the floor. I am not going anywhere. Leo knocked down his blocks. He did not answer. Dinner was just the three of us. Damian did not come down. Mrs Delgado said he was working. After dinner I gave them baths. I read them a story. I tucked them in. Lily held my hand until she fell asleep. That night at 2am I heard footsteps. I opened my door. Damian was there with a glass of whiskey. Shirt unbuttoned. Tired. The kids had a nightmare, he said. Do you want me to check, I asked. He nodded. I went in. Both were asleep now. Curled together in Lily’s bed. I pulled the blanket up and sat on the floor. I woke up with the sun in my eyes and Damian in the doorway watching me. You did not have to do that, he said. I know, I said. But someone should. He looked at me for a long time. Thank you Miss Carter, he said. Elena, I said. He did not correct me. Weeks went by. Slow. I made pancakes. I braided Lily’s hair. I taught Leo to ride a bike in the driveway even though it was cold. Slowly they started to talk. To laugh. To call me Miss Elena. Damian and I only talked about the kids. About schedules. About school. But sometimes at night I would see him in the kitchen making coffee. And he would ask if I wanted one. I always said yes. We would sit in silence. The house sleeping around us. You do not have to do all this, he said one night. The cooking. The laundry. I like doing it, I said. Why, he asked. Because someone should love them, I said without thinking. He looked at me over his cup. He did not answer. In December there was a charity gala. Damian had to go. The twins had a fever that day. 102. I can stay, I said. Go. He looked unsure. You are sure. Yes, I said. He left. By midnight the fever spiked. Lily threw up. Leo cried. I held them both and sang the lullaby my mom used to sing. By three they were asleep. Sweaty and peaceful. Damian came home at 3am. He found me asleep in the chair with Lily on my lap and Leo leaning on my leg. In the morning there was a blanket over me and coffee on the table and a note. Thank you. D. That was the first time he called me Elena to my face. Winter got deeper. One night the power went out. The wind was howling. The twins were scared. I found them in the hallway holding hands. By the fireplace, I said. We were all on the floor with blankets when Damian came in with candles. Stay with us, he said. So we did. All four of us. The twins fell asleep between us. In the quiet, Damian turned to me. You are good with them, he said. I love them, I said. Honestly. He looked at me. Firelight on his face. Elena, he whispered. My name on his lips sounded like a prayer. And before I could think, he leaned in and kissed me. Soft at first. Like a question. Then desperate. Like he had been holding it in. And God help me, I kissed him back. When we pulled apart we were both breathing hard. I am sorry, he said immediately. That should not have happened. I know, I said. My voice shook. He stood and walked away. The next morning everything was normal. Too normal. He did not look at me. He spoke only to the kids. But at night I could not stop thinking about it. Two weeks later it happened again. In the kitchen. He came in late. I was cleaning up. Elena, he said. We should not, I started. I know, he said. Then he kissed me again. This time it was not soft. This time it was hungry. We ended up in his study. On the floor by the fire. After, he held me. This was a mistake, he said into my hair. I know, I said. It cannot happen again. I know. But it did happen again. Three more times. Each time we said it was the last time. Each time we lied. I fell in love with him. God help me. A man forty years older. My boss. A grieving widower. And I think he loved me too. In the way he looked at me when I was not watching. In the way he started coming home early. In the way he learned I take two sugars. But love like that does not survive in the real world. In January Mrs Delgado walked into the study early and saw me asleep on the couch with Damian’s jacket over me. Saw the way he was looking at me. By lunch the staff was whispering. By dinner Damian called me to his office. Pack your things, he said. His face was stone. What, I said. You have to go, he said. It is for the best. For the children. For my company. For you. So that is it, I said. One mistake and I am gone. It was not one mistake, he said quietly. And you know it. My chest hurt. I wanted to scream. I wanted to beg. Instead I nodded. I packed that night. Lily cried and held my leg. Leo sat on his bed and would not talk to me. Damian stood at the top of the stairs and watched me go. Do not contact us again, he said. I nodded. I left with one suitcase and a heart that felt ripped out. For five years I did not look back. I got a small apartment. I worked two jobs. Morning at a cafe. Nights cleaning offices. I tried to forget the way snow looked on his shoulders. The way he said my name. The way the twins fell asleep on me. I told myself it was for the best. I told myself he was better off without me. I told myself I would be fine. I was wrong. Because now I am back. The taxi stopped at the same gate. The same long driveway. The same house. My hands were shaking. I pressed the doorbell. Mrs Delgado opened it. She looked older. Miss Carter, she said. Hello Mrs Delgado, I said. What are you doing here, she asked. Mr Cole called me, I said. Last week. He said he needed a nanny. He said the twins were having a hard time. She frowned. He called you. Yes, I said. From this number. She stepped back. Come in. It is cold. I dragged my suitcase in. The house smelled the same. He did not mention it to us, she said. He just said to get the room ready. My stomach dropped. He called me himself, I said. He said please come back Elena. The kids need you. We were in the kitchen when we heard footsteps. Damian walked in. He was older. More gray. More lines. But still tall. Still him. His eyes found me. Elena, he said. Damian, I said. I stood up too fast. What are you doing here, he asked. You called me, I said. I showed him my phone. Last Tuesday. You said please come back. He looked at it. His jaw tightened. I did not call you, he said. The kitchen went quiet. What, I said. I did not call you Elena, he said. Then who did, I asked. I do not know, he said. But it was not me. Before I could answer we heard running footsteps. Mommy Elena. Lily ran in and hugged me. She was so big now. You came back, she said. I did baby, I said. Leo stood in the doorway. Is she staying, he asked quietly. Damian sighed. For now, he said. Until we figure out who called you. He looked at me. There are rules, he said. I nodded. One. This is professional. Two. You do not come to my part of the house unless I call you. Three. We do not talk about the past. Understood, I said. Good, he said. Dinner is at seven. Then he walked out. Lily grabbed my hand. Come see my room, she said. That night after I tucked them in, I went to my old room. It was exactly the same. My phone buzzed. Unknown number. You should not have come back. You do not belong here. My blood went cold. Chapter 1 End