RUIN ME

The lure of the cold, windy night draws me outside for a breath of fresh air. My silhouette is cast on the street as I ride a bicycle—something I haven’t done for a very long time now. I step on the brake as soon as I see the moon, its full and majestic presence triggering memories of him. Two men walk past me, holding hands together, and they seem so in love. Witnessing their openness and pride warms my heart, sparking a glimmer of hope that one day I’ll have a partner of my own too, though it won’t be Ruin. People aren’t as scared of COVID now. The town square is bustling, with traffic on the roads. I park my bicycle by a streetlamp near the café I’m heading to. I order a hot coffee so I can unwind outside. Clutching the paper cup of coffee, I step out of the café and lean against the streetlamp, admiring the moon from afar. The coffee is so hot it burns my tongue, nearly making me drop the cup. The sight of the creamy brown liquid stirs memories of him again, imagining he'd like it too, given his addiction to caffeine. I shake my head to dispel thoughts of him. It's time to move on. The moon slowly disappears behind a thick cloud, and suddenly, raindrops begin to fall. People panic and run for cover, but amidst the chaos, I find myself frozen under the streetlamp, drenched by the rain. An old lady, running, comes to a complete halt when she sees me getting soaked, genuine concern etched on her face. “Oh, my dear! You’ll catch a cold like this!” Despite her struggle to hold the umbrella, she reaches into her gigantic shoulder bag. “For a little while, I believe I have an extra umbrella—” I touch her arm to keep her hand from fidgeting. “I’m okay, it’s just water,” I add a warm smile. After a moment, she nods and hurries into the cafe. I look at the darkness above, and raindrops trickle down my cheeks, savoring the feeling. Suddenly, for some reason, I can’t help but release a shout. “WOOOOOOHHH!!!” Lightning shatters the sky, and I laugh silently, yet the ache in my heart is so loud that it’s almost making my head spin. A man from the cafe shouts at me. “Come over here! Are you out of your mind?” But I pay no attention. I don’t care what they think of me anymore. I’m tired of worrying about every little thing people think. Let them judge; it’s the only thing they seem good at. A bit later, I walk on the sidewalk with my head down, until a car behind me honks loudly, startling me. I frown as the car pulls beside me, and its window rolls down, revealing Lucas in a black leather jacket. He grins at me while chewing gum. “Need a ride?” “No,” I say quickly and walk a little faster, but Lucas drives slowly to catch up to me. I roll my eyes at him and ask, “What do you want?” “Just keeping an eye on you from here.” “You said you didn’t want to see me ever again last night!” “I take back what I said. You’re my friend, and the weather is bad. Come on, I’ll drive you home safely.” “Thanks for the offer, but I’ll pass. I brought my bike. Just disappear, okay? You’re ruining the dramatic moment I’m having.” He chuckles. “If you say so, take care out here.” He smiles at me before pulling up the window and finally driving away. The rain gets heavier this time, drowning out everything except the emotions in my heart, which seem to be getting louder. It’s as if the rain is echoing what I’m feeling inside, a storm of emotions. Hidden in shadows, my soul feels trapped, Quietly fighting, keeping secrets wrapped. Each tear makes my heart feel heavy, Alone, I struggle, feeling unsteady. My mom doesn’t see how I’m feeling inside, She doesn’t know the burdens I hide. Hiding who I am, wishing to be true, Silently wishing I could break through. The world outside, a daunting, harsh terrain, I battle demons, masked by silent pain, But in my heart, a flicker of hope remains, Guiding me like a beacon through the chains. As tears stream down my cheeks, I feel my knees weaken, succumbing to the ground. I start to cry uncontrollably, releasing all my emotions. Luckily, people just walk past me, ignoring my wails, until a pair of white sneakers stops right in front of me. I look up to see him, my vision blurred by tears, but... There he stands, graciously sheltering me beneath his pink umbrella. *** If you want to know more about my dreadful existence, turn to the next page, where I’ll take you back to a story that is rare and definitely needs to be told.