RUIN ME

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“Wait, you’re leaving me?” Matt sobs as he clutches my hand in his. “I’ll be alone in here once you return to the Philippines!”

“I’m sorry.” That’s all I can say.

Matt is the only person I have here. The same goes for him. That’s why he is upset about me leaving this country for good. Though I’m not feeling too emotional about it since this isn’t something new to me. I have been to eight different schools already and also made a few friends in the past, but every time I transfer to a new school, I have this annoying habit of totally cutting off the connection with my previous classmates, and then we eventually become strangers.

What’s the point of talking to them if I’m already in a different school? Besides, I never showed them my real personality, so I never really considered them true friends. I’ve always felt like I have some role to play, and being my true self would just hinder that role.

Sad to say, but I’m used to living a double life.

As I enter the front door at home, I see my stepsisters chilling on the sofas while watching a movie, and my nose can smell the aroma of a pizza. But when I glance at the table, I see no pizza. Just a few glasses filled with orange juice. They must have hidden it from me.

Aisha smiles creepily at me. “Where’s Dad and Elise?” she asks, her mouth stuffed with food. Most likely, a pizza.

“In the car...” Who are probably discussing their plans for me?

Kinky brown hair, cute button nose, and a pair of round eyes, Aisha is the eldest daughter of Ahmed. She has tattoos all over her body, dyes her hair often, smokes and drinks a lot, and rarely wears a hijab—the head covering for Muslim ladies. So, I think she is the black sheep of the family because she does a lot of things that they consider taboo. Though she’s really sweet to me... or maybe she’s faking it. Who knows?

As I make my way to the upper floor, Emir comes down and approaches me, asking if I can assist him with anything upstairs. “Uhm, sure?” I mutter, taking a deep breath as I watch him head upstairs wearing nothing but a skimpy white towel just to censor his private parts. His golden skin tone, massive biceps, the hair on his armpit, and his sexy back mildly arouses me. I think it’s normal.

I enter his room, and he locks the door quickly. I gulp as this makes me feel a little uneasy even though we’re both guys—but he’s already a man.

He hands me a tiny bottle of Sweet Almond Oil. “Can you rub my back if that’s okay with you? I’m having a little bit of back pain.” I haven’t responded yet, but he starts lying down on his bed. I stare at him, trying to think of a delicate way to massage him. “You are welcome to sit on my lower back and massage me.”

I nod my head slowly and awkwardly, then crawl over to him, cross my left leg across his torso, and gently sit down without putting too much pressure on him. To think I’m underweight but I feel so conscious about my weight right now. I start placing my hands on his back and move them in sync. He looks back at me with his brows furrowed. “Hey, take a seat properly. I don’t mind your weight. And, please, apply additional pressure if that’s fine with you.”

As an obedient person, I say, “Okay.” But I get a strange sense of intimacy.

“So, is it true you’re going back to the Philippines tomorrow?” he asks.

“Yes, I am.” I knead his muscles with more force as I feel a little bit angry about myself. He moans slightly, and I can feel the heat rise inside of me.

“Aren’t you gonna miss me?” We hardly even talk. How could he ask such a thing?

To my surprise, he flips around, and so my breath hitches. I can feel something hard poking me at my bottom. Feeling the bump, I merely look down to see and gasp. Even with his towel on, I can clearly see he’s getting a b***r and that he’s aroused.

“What’s the matter? Sit on it.” He grabs my hand and puts it onto his chest.

He pushes my legs down so my bottom is directly planted on his crotch. I start to panic as I can feel it growing under me. “I asked you to massage my chest because it felt stiff, but it seems that that little guy over there is even stiffer, so I guess you’ll have to make him your priority.” He grins as he tries to move his baloney pony on purpose. “It’s your job as my massage therapist to fix it.”

I take a deep breath and say, “Uh, I’ll give it my best shot.” Why did I even say that?

My hands go through him from his bulky chest to his stomach. I can’t help but gulp again while looking at the thin line of hair below his belly button. He tucks his hand into my shirt and tenderly tickles my chest. My nose wrinkles, and my mouth drops as I moan a little. I twist my hips slightly against his strengthened baloney pony but then—

this doesn’t feel right.

“I’m leaving.” I quickly get up and hand him back the bottle of oil.

He grabs my hand to stop me from leaving the bed. “But we ain’t done yet?” He gently massages my hand, trying to calm it down as it is trembling. “I see, you’re a virgin.”

My eyes widen, and I pretend I didn’t hear that. “Aisha is gonna kill me.”

Someone knocks on the door. I begin to panic while Emir calmly escorts me behind the door.

He opens the door gently and smiles. “Yes?”

How can he stay so calm and fine in this situation?

“Sister Aisha is looking for you downstairs.”

“I’ll be right there, one moment, please.” He immediately closes the door and rolls his eyes at me annoyingly. “Your stepsister always ruins the moment.” Referring to Anita, Aisha’s younger sister.

“Okay. May I go out now?” I ask in a rasping tone.

“Yes, you may.” He sighs. I’m about to open the door, but he puts his hand over my shoulder and whispers into my ear. “I’m sorry for what happened, and please don’t tell anyone about this.”

***

. . . I was hesitant about doing it. Worried that I wouldn’t be able to execute it the right way, or that getting f*cked in the bottom would be so painful that I’d cry. And I’m too shy to be seen naked too! So many reasons, but why am I even still thinking about it as if I’m regretting it now? He is Aisha’s boyfriend! Therefore, what I did was definitely the right thing to do...

Anyway, I saw a shared post by my old classmate saying that if you’re still a virgin at nineteen, then you’re definitely not normal and you’re probably a person with a disability. It would be cool if I’d also get the same benefits from a PWD, but not! But what’s wrong with me, really? Why do I have so much fear inside me, which always holds me back from doing the things that most 19-year-olds normally do nowadays? Drink. Smoke. Make love with random people. THOSE THREE ARE THE NORMS FOR TEENAGERS. But I haven’t done any of it... I mean it looks fun and all but most teenagers I know who did that ended up being regretful and miserable.

And I fear that.

Sincerely,

Zeph Mckee

[Journal Entry 169]

***

We’re currently in the aircraft waiting for take-off when this gorgeous flight attendant speaks in the microphone. “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome onboard Flight 683 with service from Brunei Darussalam to Davao, Philippines. We are currently third in line for take-off and are expected to be in the air in approximately seven minutes. We ask that you please fasten your seatbelt...”

A year ago, leaving the Philippines seemed to be the best option for me. But it turns out to be the worst. Ahmed offered us to stay with him here in his country, and he’s willing to pay for whatever we need. I accepted his offer, but my sisters didn’t since they were already content with their lives there. I used to think that maybe the people in my country were just toxic and I only needed a change of environment. But I thought wrong.

Turns out, I’m the toxic one.

I remember one moment when I caught my classmates in the back of the school secretly taking some type of illegal drugs. I’m not sure if it was real or if they just fooled me, but I asked them why they were doing it, knowing it could potentially harm them. The guys just told me that what I knew about the drugs was all just a myth and that we were all lied to by the government so they could have it all for themselves. That taking it would make you feel euphoric and high, and you’d get abilities like super strength and speed. And I still can’t believe to this day that I believed him for a minute just because I was desperate to be happy.

Matt came to the scene, and I was angry at him for intervening, but he helped me realize that if that thing could truly make people happy, then those guys wouldn’t have looked so nasty. They appeared to be older than their age; their skin was dry, and they had bloodshot eyes. Not to mention, their breath smelled so awful. If I looked like them, I’d be even more depressed.

“Excuse me, sir?” A flight attendant comes up to me, asking for my attention.

I smile at her. “Yes?”

“We’re preparing for take-off. Please put your folding trays in a fully upright position.”

“Sure.” I quickly run my fingers to the keyboard of my laptop to save my journal entry for the day. I fix up my things and fold back the tray right in front of me. I gaze outside the cabin window as the sun slowly starts to rise into the dull morning sky, then I cast a glance to my right, where my mother is soundly sleeping, and then I glance back to the left to see the outside view. My smile soon vanishes as visions of my past sailing flash through my mind.

We’ve arrived at the Davao Airport, and I sigh heavily as I see all the people swarming the surroundings like bees in a hive, making the place so noisy and unsettling. As soon as I see my sisters and grandmother amid the crowd, joyfully waving their hands in the air to catch our attention, it lights up my mood, and I run to them. Chloe’s face lights up too when she sees mom carrying some shopping bags that she just purchased.

“Presents!” exclaims Chloe, my youngest sister. She appears to be taller now, and she looks pretty funny because of her new haircut, which made her face look rounder.

“Hey, where’s Boots?” I ask her teasingly, and she makes a grumpy face when she realizes I am insulting her haircut. Nevertheless, she is still cute.

“I got you hoodies!” Mom says with burgeoning excitement, waving the shopping bags in her hand.

“Yes!”

Grandma walks up to me and places her hands on my face with her worried look. “Take a look at you! You’ve slimmed down!”

“I miss you, Mumita.” I hug her tightly. Grandma still looks half her age. With her dyed black hair, healthy glowing skin, and good posture. Not to mention the fact that she had eight children. “Why didn’t you take care of yourself there?” she asks.

“Who told you I didn’t?” I say, then catching a quick glimpse from mom.

Sharpee hugs my mom and looks at me with a smiling face. “Welcome home, Zeph.”

“Thanks, sis.” Sharpee has porcelain skin, which I envy. Hazel brown eyes, medium skin tone, and slim body are among our similarities. She is obsessed with anything that is pink!

I’m back at my original home, which I miss a lot. Mom calls me into her bedroom and then hands me an envelope as I enter. I do not know what this is about, but I can feel my heart trembling. Just as I am about to read the letter, she spoils it right away. “You are officially enrolled in Greenfield Academy!”

I LITERALLY WANT TO DIE RIGHT NOW.

“I can’t believe you. I haven’t even read a word yet!”

She rolls her eyes and snatches the paper from me. “We all know how much you despise reading.” She tosses the paper into the garbage bin.

“I might gonna need that in school...”

She clasps both of my hands, her eyes filled with excitement. “Don’t worry! Greenfield Academy is an amazing school! It might not compare to your previous school in Brunei, but I’ve heard that many international students are studying here. Isn’t that exciting?” Her face beams with happiness, leaving me momentarily speechless, aware that I’m about to disappoint her. “You’ll meet students from diverse backgrounds and personalities!”

“Mom, you never even told me about this.”

“But I asked you multiple times what school you want to enroll in, but you didn’t give me an answer. Do you want to go back to your old school here?”

“No!” I quickly respond. I never want to go back to my previous schools ever again!

“Then what’s bothering you?”

I let go of her hands and take a moment to gather my thoughts. “I’ve only been here for five days... I just got expelled from my last school, and I needed some time to clear my mind from all the stress I’ve been under. And now you’re telling me I’m already enrolled in another school—I haven’t even had my entrance examination yet!”

“You don’t need an entrance examination anymore, Zeph, since you came from a very prestigious school in Brunei.”

“But that’s not how it works—even with my bad records?!”

“Your previous school fixed it,” she says softly, and I exhale heavily. “You know Ahmed is friends with Principal Aqib.”

I sigh deeply, accepting my fate. “So, when will be my first day of school?”

“One month from today.”

I walk out of the room, leaving the door open. Frustration consumes me again, and my inner peace has been shattered. I haven’t even had a chance to rest from all the chaos inside me. And I can’t tell anyone about it because I fear they’ll see me as weak and a complete failure, which I know I am.