RUIN ME

THE SQUAD

“Being gay is a choice,” Tin declares confidently. I observe the reaction of my classmates, bracing myself for the conversation that is about to unfold.

“Come on,” she adds. “We are all capable of exploring our s*xuality if we so desire. For instance, I identify as a straight woman, but I could choose to engage in a relationship with another woman if I wanted to. However, that’s not a path I’ve chosen to pursue.”

“I agree,” says the girl sitting in front of me.

Oh please, it’s not that simple. You can’t just decide to change your s*xual preferences like flipping a switch.

“To wrap it up, Homosexuality is a disease of the heart and mind,” she says firmly.

Leo raises his hand, eyebrows scrunching in curiosity. “Why do people choose to be gay? If it were a matter of choice?”

“As I’ve just said, Mr. Forbis,” she exhales deeply, “it is a mental illness. That’s why it’s so important to seek help from a therapist right away the moment you begin to feel attracted to your fellow men before things worsen. Believe me, dear, it’s not normal.”

Yuri, the Korean girl, nods her head in agreement.

“Well, we’re fortunate no one here is gay,” says Tin as her gaze sweeps across each of our faces, and as her eyes meet mine, she locks onto my gaze, unwavering. I muster the steadiest facial expression I can summon, but beneath the façade, tension grips me, and I feel a nearly overwhelming urge to let the tears well up and escape. With an unsettling grin, she asks, “Or is there?”

“Have you ever witnessed a male animal mating with another male animal? None!” exclaims Tin. “So, what’s the verdict? Gay people are worse than animals.”

Interrupting her, Leo interjects, “Actually, homosexual animals do exist. Looks like you haven’t done your research well, Professor Tin.”

Tin arches an eyebrow and fixes Leo with an intimidating glare. “Enough with the charade of trying to be ‘cool’ by backing gay people,” she says with a hint of disdain. “It’s rather disappointing.”

Mico shouts, “Gays go to hell!” The room erupts in laughter, with everyone agreeing with him.

Tin points at Mico, nodding in agreement. “Exactly!” she exclaims. “It is a sin, says the Bible. And that’s why I consistently remind my son never to be gay. I worry he might walk a path similar to his father’s, who faced rejection from everyone, even disownment by his own family. He outed himself publicly, never choosing to marry me. Eventually, he faced the consequences of his choices.”

Leo, undeterred by Tin’s opinion, raises his hand once more. Ignoring her attempt to overlook him, he stands up, clears his throat, and says, “Eating pork is also considered a sin. Same with getting a tattoo and dying your hair.” Tin hurriedly covers her tattoo on her right arm, then looks up, realizing her dyed red hair.

Leo presses on with his argument, his voice unwavering, “The Bible also dictates that a woman should not teach or have authority over a man, and a woman who is not a virgin on her wedding night should be stoned to death. How do you reconcile ignoring these teachings?” In the hushed silence that follows, Leo forges ahead with his argument. “It’s probably too difficult for you and the straight people, so you decided that God didn’t mean anything of that except for being gay. Right?”

“No one cares about your stupid opinion, Leo,” Tin seethes.

“You’re a teacher,” says Leo, maintaining his composure. “Instead of promoting love and understanding among your students, what were you doing? Spreading your baseless views and homophobia, all because your gay husband chose not to marry you. If you intend to use the Bible to justify hate, at least read it in its entirety and comprehend every word.”

Tin’s scowl deepens, and she erupts in anger. “Get out of my class!”

Leo stands his ground. “I won’t,” he responds calmly. “What would I tell the principal if he sees me in the hallway skipping your class? That my professor kicked me out for exposing her homophobia? Oh, right, the principal happens to be a gay man. You might find yourself in serious trouble if he knows of this.”

The bell rings, signaling the start of our meal break. Our science professor, Mike, stands and announces, “Don’t forget to say a prayer before you eat.” He takes his belongings from the table and exits the room.

In a flurry, some of my classmates rush to leave the classroom, forming groups with their own friends. As Leo finishes packing his bag, he casts me a hesitant glance. “How about we go to the cafeteria together?”

“Thank you,” I reply, “but I’ll stay here.” The words spill out of my mouth like lightning, and I instantly regret them.

Leo nods understandingly and proceeds to exit the room on his own.

I can’t help but berate myself in my mind. I really can’t socialize well with people. What am I supposed to do now? I’m left with two options. I’m either going to starve myself or eat in the restroom. I guess I’ll have to choose my first option because the second is so horrible.

All of a sudden, a group of girls approaches me. Two familiar faces stand before me, Yuri and Amisha, while the other two girls also seem foreign. “Do you want to join our squad?” Yuri asks, her sincere smile beaming at me.

“Me?” I blurt out in surprise. “You want me to be a part of your squad?”

“Why not?” Amisha responds. “We’d like to have you on our team.”

“That would be fantastic,” I say, but before I can express any reservations, the fat girl pulls me up with enthusiasm. “No buts!” she exclaims. “This is going to be fun and exciting! It’s great to finally have a boy in our squad, not to mention that he has a cute voice!”

“True,” the other girl begins with a warm smile, “by the way, my name is Mich, and I’m from Thailand. It’s truly a pleasure to finally meet the boy from Brunei.”

Amisha whispers to her, “he’s a Filipino.”

The chubby girl offers her name next. “I’m Emily, but you can call me Em if you’d like.”

“Hi, Emily,” I greet her with a welcoming nod.

“Let’s go to the cafeteria together?” As Yuri’s inviting suggestion breaks the ice, I can’t help but see it as my lifeline, a chance for a fresh start. If I continue to resist this opportunity, I swear to God, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.

I offer a sweet smile to Yuri and the other girls, drawing out the moment before I finally speak up. “Let’s go,” I declare, because, dammit, I’m in desperate need of a friend.

In the bustling school cafeteria, I walk alongside my new squad, heading to the food stalls. The cacophony of laughter and clinking trays surrounds us, but my mind is still grappling with something unsettling—Tin’s opinion about gay people. She thinks they’re worse than animals. How cruel of her?

Yuri, who takes charge with unwavering confidence, suddenly comes to a halt, turning around to face me with a keen curiosity in her eyes. “How about you? What are your thoughts about Tin’s opinion?” The rest of the girls follow suit, their gazes fixed on me, awaiting my response.

I hesitate momentarily, carefully choosing my words. “Well,” I begin, my mind racing for the safest path, “I think Leo made a valid point.”

Their disapproving looks pierce me. “I can’t believe you two,” says Yuri.

Leo sits alone in the cafeteria corner, savoring his meal while a bevy of girls vie for his attention. He’s not afraid to speak up for a community he doesn’t even belong to. I didn’t know people like him existed. I regret turning down his invitation to join him earlier, but I believe everything happens for a reason. If I had gone with him, I might have missed the chance to be part of this squad.

I look around and spot Mico and his friends nearby, completely absorbed in their phones, hardly paying attention to their food. As we pass by them, I steal a glance at their screens and witness the intense battle they’re engrossed in. They’re engaged in a gruesome war, using swords, arrows, guns, and magic to eliminate one another.

Mich moves closer to me and whispers, “The guy next to Mico is Lucas. He’s not just good-looking but also renowned as a top player in AOD.”

“AOD?” I ask with curiosity.

Her eyes widen as if she can’t believe what she just heard. “Arena of Dawn! You seriously have no idea what it is? It’s currently the most popular game in the world.”

I observe Mico and Lucas as they play, and it’s evident that they’re both good-looking, but there’s something especially captivating about Lucas.

I sigh, feeling a sense of self-disappointment for finding myself attracted to guys.

We stumble upon an empty table near Leo. I notice Yuri subtly stealing glances at him as we set our food down. Out of the corner of my eye, I catch Leo, his gaze fixed upon me with a stern intensity. I hastily avert my eyes.

“Time to eat my monster burger!” Emily exclaims, stuffing the entire burger into her mouth.

“It’s time to shed some pounds, girl,” Yuri jests.

Amisha startles me as she sees me peeking at Leo. “Psst!”

I quickly shift my gaze away from him. “Huh?”

“Do you have a crush on him?” Amisha asks loudly enough for the other girls to hear.

“No!” I gasp. “It’s just that since there’s still space for one more person, how about we invite him to join us at the table?”

Yuri smiles faintly. “Ask him yourself! If you want, you can even recruit him into the squad.” She clearly approves of my idea.

“Really? Are you sure it’s okay?” I ask.

“That’s no problem at all, as long as you’re not into him!” Mich laughs with a hint of disdain.

I rise from my seat, my legs trembling, and my heart racing. As I walk towards him, he straightens up, a glimmer of curiosity in his eyes. “Yes?” he asks.

“Um, would yyou like to join us at the table? There’s still space for one more person.” When I glance back at my new friends, I realize they’re chuckling at my boldness.

“That would be great,” he replies, taking a deep breath. “However, is it alright with your friends?”

“They don’t mind—” Suddenly, a strong push from behind thrusts me forward. I almost knocked into his food, but Leo saved me in the nick of time. His hand lands on my chest, steadying me.

“Watch where you’re going, freak,” Leo exclaims, his anger palpable.

I spin around to see who did it, and there stands Mico—the very person I’d suspected to be the villain of my story from the moment we met. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that,” apologizes Mico insincerely, “but my friends think you two look good together.”

Yuri rises with fury in her stride, marching toward us. She delivers a powerful kick to Mico’s leg, sending him sprawling to the ground. “You don’t do that to my friends!” She yanks on his earlobe, twisting it until it reddens. “You know me, Mico. I can do better than this!”

“Stop that!” Mico cries out. “That hurts!”

“Do it again!” Yuri bulges her eyes to scare him, and he scurries away in fear. Laughter fills the air as Mico retreats, humiliated at the hands of a fearless Korean girl.

“Thanks for your help,” I express to Yuri, amazed at what she did to Mico.

“You’re my friend,” she responds. “No one can mess with you as long as you’re with the pack.”

“Cool,” Leo chimes in. “You’re Yuri, right?” He extends his hand, and she gently places hers in his. Their hands clasp for a moment. “It’s great to meet you.”

The whole cafeteria enjoys the show—two good-looking people looking into each other’s eyes. But it’s not just about looks; they’re also genuinely brave.

There’s definitely something between them, a spark of chemistry.

***

Dear Diary,

School did not begin as badly as I had imagined. Well, it’s still not great, but maybe having a small group of friends makes it bearable? I owe a lot to Yuri for reaching out to me on the first day and welcoming me into her circle. It’s been four weeks, and I’ve come to realize they’re actually a lot of fun to hang out with. We went for long walks and ate street food every day after school. Honestly, street food isn’t my thing, but I force it down just to fit in. They told me my style was too plain and simple, so they’ve been teaching me how to dress in a way that suits my body type. Unfortunately, my savings are taking a hit. In the last couple of weeks, I’ve made numerous withdrawals from my bank account, and I’m not even sure why. I think I’ve been overspending to the point that there’s only a dollar left in my wallet by the end of the day. But hey, at least I’m finally experiencing what high school is all about.

We’ve even ventured into karaoke and belted out our favorite tunes, even though I was completely off-key. I used to be a decent singer when I was younger, but I lost my touch around the age of 11. Leo has been hanging out with us too. He treated us to an expensive crab buffet restaurant, using his Porsche Carrera to take us there. He’s genuinely the nicest, coolest, and richest person I’ve ever met. And no, I’m not falling for him, even though he playfully blows in my ear during class to wake me up or hugs me when he’s sleepy. I’m just not that into him. Plus, I’ve got a hunch something’s brewing between him and Yuri. They don’t spill the beans, but they’ve been texting each other a lot.

Sincerely,

Zeph Mckee

[Journal Entry 248]