Shyton United

24th June, 2013

24th June, 2013A few weeks had passed without much at all happening. Most of the remaining staff and squad had time off and were on their hols. I myself went to a comic-con and got Robert Llewellyn to sign my special edition Red Dwarf DVD. I also had a week at home watching every series of Red Dwarf. It was ‘smegging’ great.

Tommy, Brenda and the kids had a weekend in Blackpool. They didn’t enjoy it. I wouldn’t be surprised if their marriage was at breaking point. Straight after the Blackpool trip, Tommy was, rather mysteriously, summoned to London for a week.

Whilst Tommy was summoned to the bright lights of London town, Brenda summoned me to her grotty digs.

BRENDA: We get Blackpool and Tommy’s off to London. Why didn’t we go to London?

STANLEY: I’m sure it’s football-related business.

BRENDA: Something’s up, I can tell.

Something was up. Brenda still looked the same and I got no hint that an appointment with a cosmetic surgeon was in the pipeline. It was getting desperate for her.

When everybody was back, including Tommy, a team meeting was called at the club’s training ground.

I hadn’t seen Tommy since before he was called to go to London and so I tried to catch up with him before he joined the others for the meeting. He pulled up in his clapped-out old banger and got out and… WAIT! Tommy had new hair! Yes, new hair had been implanted.

TOMMY: What yer looking at?

STANLEY: So, Brenda’s not getting a tummy tuck?

TOMMY: f**k off.

It’s not often that I’m shocked but that was such a time. Of all the people to get something like that done, Tommy was the last person I’d have thought of. I wondered what Brenda thought of it.

In the changing room Tommy sat next to Li Bang. Li Bang had just come back from winning the breakdancing freestyle championship in Shanghai. There was no sign of K-Y or Shinji Takamoto. At least with Tommy you had the nucleus of the team there.

There were occasional glances at Tommy’s hair but then he stared back with a look that could kill and the glances glanced away.

Mystic yet again had his hands in a prayer position. He was alongside a tubby and balding man with a dyed-black goatee who looked suspiciously like famed Spanish coach, Juan Lopez. On closer inspection and then having to ask who he was as he didn’t like me closely inspecting him, he did indeed reveal that he was Juan Lopez, former manager of Spanish La Liga team, Villareal.

‘SPECIAL’ JUAN LOPEZ: Hello. I am ‘Special’ Juan Lopez. I am a very proud man today because all managers like to arrive at the best clubs, and we know Shyton is one of the most important clubs in the world.

A few of the players started laughing.

TOMMY: You went too big there, mate.

JUAN: I like to play a very sexy game. I want the ball like it’s woman’s n*****s.

TOMMY: What did you say, you nob?

‘MARKETING GOLD MINE’: He say ball is n****e.

Chen Hu, Wang Yong and Maury breezed in like a breezy breeze.

MAURY: Shinji’s dead.

Chen Hu spat at the ground, as jaws dropped to the floor except Li Bang’s as he didn’t know Shinji. The silence was crispy.

MAURY: Tommy, outside in 5.

Chen Hu, Wang Yong and Maury marched out. There was the sound of a toilet flushing, then K-Y came in from a different door.

K-Y: What did I miss?

Nobody answered. K-Y sniffed the air.

K-Y: What? It’s the curry I had last night. Christ, it ain’t that bad. Get over it. It’s not as if someone died.

I sneaked out after Tommy had left the changing room and caught him outside in a secluded part of the training ground near the changing room building. He was with Maury. Tommy’s face was as red as a lobster’s, he looked as though he were steaming… like a just cooked lobster. Maury was shaking his fist and pointing his finger at Tommy like he was a naughty schoolboy. What was that about and why hadn’t Tommy head-butted him?