APHELION

Pleading to save her. Her hand lifting to touch my face. I dragging myself towards her. Yes. We are close. Just a little more. We can hold hands one last time. Our gaze meeting. Her eyes red. Lips parting, struggling for another breath. I shoved the memory away. The best way to avoid pain was to turn your back on it. To make each cell of your existence resound its falsehood. The best way to avoid fearing the dark was to shut your eyes. I looked up at my History teacher. Her continuous blabber didn’t reach my ears anymore. I was glad it didn’t. I hated these lessons on Nazism. Our teacher, unfortunately, took great interest in describing the death of victims and the aftermath their families suffered. For any normal student, such a dedicated teacher was a dream come true but for me, she was the synonym of t*****e. My muscles were tensed. All I wanted was to jump out of my desk and clutch her throat. Cease her voice for the rest of her existence. I locked my hands below my desk trying to weigh my knees down. The clock showed three minutes to four. Three minutes. I could hold myself. I was strong. Strong? Really? A part of me laughed at that word. My strength was just pretence. A well-enacted drama. Deep within I was weak. Cowardly. I was running. Always running. From things I must face head-on. From my peculiar voice of guidance. From myself. Only running. No. There was no place in my life for this pointless discussion. My dad’s words resounded in my ears. “ For our sake.” For their sake. “ Brrring.” My history teacher began collecting her books to exit. Standing a minute more of this torment was impossible. I headed for the door. Walking through the aisle, I debated with myself. A sharp accusation wouldn't do her much harm. I would be out of her class until the course on Nazism ended. That was a very tempting option. She would give me poor grades and have a list of complaints ready for my parents. But that didn’t matter either. No. For their sake. “Clara! I haven’t left the class yet!” I saw my right foot cross over. No. “I don’t care!” I whispered almost to myself and staggered out of the room. I was back in an hour for my evening class. One thing I loved about school were schedules. Schedules had become my guiding force lately. I followed them without thinking twice. This evening was maths. The best subject to help you ignore your mind. “Hey! Clara!” Taylor. I didn’t have to look up to know that. Taylor was my best friend. Truly, another character of my pretence. From the day she had entered my classroom, I had felt a strong revulsion against her. She was a new student. And chivalry was a necessity. But my strange little guiding voice never allowed it. She was not safe to be with. She was more than we knew. All these instincts were hard to explain. I tried to keep my distance but failed in that too. I tried explaining myself to the teachers who questioned my improper behaviour but I was being stupid. I didn’t need anyone outside of me to tell me that. My headmistress finally complained about my “improper, unusual behaviour” to my parents. She wanted me to see a psychologist. See him once again, that is. That day another role was added to my pretence. Each day was only expanding my theatre. It has been two years of life with Taylor and still my muscles tense when she calls me. I jolt if she holds me without my notice. I am watching all her movements when she is with me. Strange. “ Are you lost again?” “ No. I was just thinking about your birthday. It's close. Isn’t it?” “ Yes. Next month. But I was concerned about you. Today History class…” she lifted her hand to touch my cheek. I stepped back. “ Wat’s wrong Clara? Why did you walk out of the class? That was rude I hope you realise!” That was so Taylor. Of course! She would ask me this. Every time I gave such a reaction to all that was close to death. She was highly intrigued. A normal person would call this care. But I felt it was interference. Her curiosity was uncommon! “ I know it was very rude but I was hungry. I couldn’t sit in the class anymore.” “ What will you tell her?” “ I will think about that tomorrow. I am not going to face her until then anyways. Let me enjoy my peace till then.” “ Don’t behave obliviously. Didn’t you hear what she said at the end of the class? Our Maths teacher is not well and she is given her replacement hour! I think we will find her seated in the classroom.” My heart sank. My knees suddenly felt weak. I staggered towards the last room in the corridor. My t*****e cell for an hour. The classroom sounded like a swarm of bees. I turned my head slowly repulsively towards the teacher’s chair. To my surprise, it was empty. First I thought of jumping, leaping truly in joy but the second possibility struck me then. She was late but she would come. “ She is not going to come.” I turned around at once. Almost fell! “ Are you sure?” “ I am. The freshers have chosen today as their big day.” Riya said. Freshers. New people with whom I would have new strange gut feelings. But for today they had ironically been my saviours. In our batch of 32, we were finally receiving the last four souls who would help us achieve 36 ‘the lucky Indian configuration’. Today they deserved good grace. I crawled into my bench and pulled out my family copy of Pride and Prejudice. For today, Mr Darcy was just the right man. It was then. A time when I was torn between a truthful heart and a perfidious mind that I met her. “ Hello. I am Reyna Grace.” I looked up. She was speaking to the girl standing on my left. There is something more. More to her. Like the day of natural charm- slow in revelation and swift in mystery. Not heard of before but not new either. “ I am sure you think she is weird too. Not weird, strange actually.” Taylor caught my attention. That voice again! How frustrating to not be normal! To not be able to see new people as NEW. I slammed the book shut and left the classroom. It was only at night that I realised that there was more awaiting me. Reyna had chosen a bed close to mine. I detested her. Loathed her for she had awakened that strange voice in me once again. But the introduction part was important. It would be better if I chose the circumstances of the first talk rather than her. I walked towards her bed. A huge crowd surrounded her. Very ideal. I could just shake hands and slide away. That was easy. My classmates were helping her arrange her things. Being overly helpful actually. I stood behind one of them in a way that only a part of me would be visible to her. Eye contact was best avoided. “ Hello, Reyna.” She looked up. No eye contact. Just then something fell from her hand. My shield-the girl in front of me- bent to pick it up. I was distracted first but when I looked back, she was staring at me with wide befuddled eyes. There is something more. More to her. My voice was eclipsed by deliberation and my words thus left shaded. I tried to find my feet but they were numb. What was I thinking! I shouldn’t have come to see her in the first place. She was still looking at me. She would certainly doubt my rationality. That was good. At least she wouldn’t come my way again. I pushed myself towards my bed failing to do it without losing my balance. No more Reyna. Time flew like an albatross which spans its wings in the skies of duality. Though her bed was quite close to mine for many months, words always defamed my tongue with the brand of immobility. That was best. “ Suppress that peculiar curiosity. It's just a play of your mind!” my psychologist often said. I had to obey. For their sake.