But I'll be okay.

entry 4 - he's not ready for anything right now.

'I'm not ready for anything right now, V.'

His words ring through to me every time I find myself thinking of those lips.

Love was not something I thought I'd ever experience. And maybe I haven't. Maybe what I feel for you is mere infatuation. A crush?

'I'm not ready for anything right now, V.'

I know. A part of me wished I could prove you otherwise. Maybe with the right person, you will be ready. Maybe if I smiled enough, or laughed at your jokes enough. Or maybe kissed you enough.

'I'm not ready for anything right now, V.'

Well, what about later? Should I wait? Should I hold on to the hope that maybe you don't even see? Should I give myself to you in hopes that you may change your mind?

'I'm not ready for anything right now, V.'

But the way you speak of me. The way you tell me how divine I look even when I don't think so. The way you smile at me with adoration. The way you kiss my hair and told me it smelt of your favorite scent. The way we held each other, listening to the soft beats of our hearts. The way you get so excited when I tell you stories of my life.

'I'm not ready for anything right now, V.'

I know. I told you I didn't want a relationship either. I told you I'm happy with how things are right now. I told you love isn't my thing. I told you those things just to keep my heart from shattering. Just to keep you from leaving. Because I know, when you know how I really feel, you wouldn't be so kind.

'I'm not ready for anything right now, V.'

I respect that. I do. I just...

He's not ready for anything right now.

I'm okay with that. I am. I just can't help but think that maybe you just aren't ready for anything...with me.

Maybe there's someone else you're holding on to. Maybe you are ready for something. Maybe you are laying in bed thinking of a perfect girl. She would call you in the night and you two would whisper all your desires and love. You would long for her smile and you would wish you could hold her. Your mother would ask of her and you would hide your smile at the mention of her name. Your sister would tease you of how your eyes light up when she's around. You would find yourself thinking about your future together. You'd buy her gifts on her birthday attached with notes of I love yous.

Maybe you are ready for something right now.

Just not with me.