But I'll be okay.

entry 3 - mum

I'm sorry, mum.

I worry about my mother.

She puts on a smile and a positive attitude, but the money is running dry, mum. I know you worry about it but you just don't want us to. You never wanted us to feel like we didn't have enough. You never wanted us to feel like you couldn't provide us with everything.

We don't have enough for food, mum. I know you save every penny you have and would give it all away in a heartbeat. I know you go hungry sometimes because you've given us the least you had. You gave God the credit but I know it was all your own hard work. 

I don't know if I can take care of you when I'm older, mum. I don't know if I can take care of myself. I'm trying. But it hasn't been looking great. I don't want you to worry but I know you do. I do, too. 

Are you happy, mum? I catch glimpses of you in the living room and it seemed like you were deep in thought. It seemed like you were reminiscing your youth. Of what could have been or what would have been. It seemed you were questioning the very life you live. 

I know you are getting old, but I can't live without you, mum. When you tell me your back is hurting, or when your heart beats a little too fast. When you feel dizzy or unwell. I send a silent prayer that you will be safe and well. I look up and tell the universe to stop playing. To give you eternal life. Because I can't live without you.

I act like I don't care but I just don't want you to worry, mum. It just seems easier to keep it to myself. I know you do it to make me feel better, but I can't bear to hear you tell me everything will be fine again. I can't bear to hear your hopeful tone yet stare at your confused eyes as you wonder what to do. I can't bear to agree with you when I know you just want to scream out and cry about your worries and your sorrows. But you're a mum. You keep the peace and you make sure everyone is happy.

I know a lot is going through your head, mum. I want to help you. I want to remove all the worries you have and be the one to tell you you'll be okay. But I'm ill. And you are taking care of me. I am sad. And I don't have happiness left to give. I am anxious and I can't keep the peace that we so desperately need right now.

I know you have regrets, mum. I hope it's not me. But you deserve so much more than me. You deserve so much more than what you were given. I know I can be frustrating. And I know I can lash out and make things hard for you. I don't mean to. I'm sorry I'm ill. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I know you tell yourself I'm not ill and that I can overcome it. I know you pray for me every day. I don't believe in God but thank you.

I'm sorry, Mum.