I was in love with a Ghost .

I was in love with a Ghost . Part 1 .

I grew up knowing I was not really wanted as both my parents had very good vocations my dad was an air line Pilot and my mother was a top Psychiatrist in her field. They met on holidays as my mother went to Spain with her friends and my dad was on holiday with his friends and they fell in love bought a house together and got married not planning to have a child. My dad worked away a lot with his Job and my mother was constantly working on the wards of the hospital researching her patients when out of the blue she fell pregnant with me. 

I did not ask to be here and I certainly did not ask to be raised in the family I was given but I was and I had no say in the matter. I grew up not bonding with my parents as my parents were always working and I was raised by nannies as my parents could afford to hire people to take care of me. I woke up in the morning being taken care of by nannies and I was put to bed by nannies that was my childhood. 

I would go on holidays with my parents annually it was two weeks of the year when I would see my parents but because we had no bond and they did not even know me and I did not know them the communication was non existent and all my parents did for the whole two weeks was argue and bicker over their crumbling marriage. My dad was having an affair and my mother was married to her work I guess that was how they lived but them being together for two weeks of the year for me was utter hell for them and for me Included. 

During the two week holidays My mother would find a desk to type her work and my dad would either be on his phone talking to his mistress or sleeping in the chair whilst they would sit me down in front of the television set watching cartoons when the cartoons were finished they just put more on for me to which I was sick to the back teeth of but I dare not complain I knew I had to be the obedient child and sit there in silence and never play up for any kind of affection. I did not know what affection was. 

I was glad to go home to the nannies when the two week holidays were over as I found the nannies better company than my own parents at least the nannies communicated with me and we did things together but there was no emotional bonding with any of them. The nannies were as hard faced and bold as my parents and If I was ever upset or emotional I was told it would pass and it was just part of me growing up. I always wished I had somebody my own age to talk to where we could confide in each other and bond but because I was home schooled by private tutors I never even saw people of my own age. I hated my life and I hated being me but there was no escape from the life I was living. I was under the rules of my parents and my parents servants and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it apart from bide my time until I was an adult but by then the damage was already done to my lost childhood.           

I needed friendships and I needed to be away from dusty old spinsters that my parents called nannies they were like robots and they lived for time one o clock - this must be done and Two O Clock - that must be done everything was routine and I was sick to the back teeth of it all. As I was growing up from a little girl into a young lady I needed more in my life and I was bored of my life and my routine. I could not talk to anybody about it the people around me including my parents just accepted that I was happy and that I was far more lucky than most other kids or so they assumed. 

The house I lived in was very old and very large enough rooms for servants and staff where they lived down stairs they even had their own kitchen and sitting rooms and I was told never to go down there because it was the servants and staff private quarters. My house had an enormous Library with shelves and shelves full of books and I would often just walk through our library thinking how large and scary it was and that there were books in there that I would probably never get to read in my life time. Books Fascinated me because somebody had taken the time to write one and given that book so much passion and there it lay in my library just waiting to be read. 

I was always fascinated by the Occult and the dark forces that surround us in our universe that some of us get to see and some of us don't . I guess it involves our belief systems and the struggle and battles between good and evil. I was a believer and I did believe in dark forces but I also very much believed in good forces and how if we remain strong and good good always wins over evil and I was sticking to my true belief of that. 

I walked through my huge library looking for books on the Occult and devil worship I was afraid but yet I was not afraid because I had my huge belief in god and I was a true Christian but I just wanted to read about the occult and what somebody had wrote about it many moons ago I was just fascinated by the subject. I found a very large heavy book on Occults and black Magic and it took all the strength I had in me to get that down from the second shelf and it was covered in Dust and cobwebs it shows nobody had looked at this book in a very long time but I was going to and I have to say I was scared as to what I was going to read. 

I carried the large thick heavy book up to my room without anybody finding out even though I was now thirteen years of age this was no book for a child to be looking at but I just felt I needed to. I got to my room and put the book down on my bed and took a moment to catch my breath. I dusted the book and wiped off all the cobwebs as much as I could and I started looking through all the pages. Images of devils and warlocks and demons and human flesh being tortured on fire by the evil all around them. There were Images of human skulls everywhere and demons and witches clutching them like they were clutching a baby. The demons were all different shapes and sizes and they looked just horrible and vile and I just thought who drawers things like these and why?. As I kept turning the pages with a terrified face on me there was writings that I could not understand because they were in Italics and I could not read that type of writing and I do not think I wanted to either come to that. 

I then turned to a section on Conjuring the dead and again it was in Italics but some of the writing was also in English  and I could make out that it was spells to bring back the dead. I was desperate for a friend and I knew I was not allowed one in my life but what If I could Conjure one up from the book of the dead and would this even work for me? would my faith be strong enough to study this book and bring to life a person that I could talk to and confide in or would I be dealing with very strong forces that if I pursued this might go way out of my control and would I be putting myself in complete danger?. I was so desperate to try this but on the other hand did I really want to study and be a part of such heresy.  

I was so drawn and determined to study the words to bring a human being to life that my body was sweating with both fear and adrenaline as I had the words in front of me to bring something to life and to bring another life into my empty one. I wonder what the person I would to life would look like ? I wonder if they would be nice ? I wonder if I was going against god on this ? I wonder , I wonder , it was all about wonder but I no longer wanted to wonder I wanted to do. 

The words to conjure another Human being were as follows : 

Call me , You may call me if you wish , I may come to thee 

I was once withered but I am longing to be free

I was caught In dark times and I was trapped by thee 

I am so very much longing to be free from within the book you now hold about thee

I will come to you should you set me free , but you must never ever talk about thee 

I am so scared to be thee yet so willing to let you set me free. 

But remember you must never talk about thee and you must never tell you have set thee free. 

The words were in front of me and I was so scared to say them out loud because to me if I did summon it up and make it free it did not wish to be known to anybody apart from me and I questioned why that was it obviously wanted to remain a secret and I would not know why unless I set it free. 

I was a good person and I believed in god and I had not done no wrong all I wanted was a friend to call my own as I felt trapped in my own home and I was starved of love and support something I craved yet could not get. What did I have to lose? maybe nothing would happen and my Imagination was going all over the place yet maybe something would happen and this person or what ever would be mine and mine alone. I decided to say the words as I knew in my heart my life was not going to improve and I would turn to this book again if I did not do it this time. 

I sat on my bed and I said the words that were in the book with my voice shaking and my palms wet sticking to the pages of the book. The words were said and nothing happened the room was still silent and those were the words from the book. I was disappointed and very upset and let down that nothing happened at all and the next thing I know my nanny is coming into my room to put me to bed. As always she is very stern with me and she tucks me in to bed and I have hidden the book under my bed. I said to nanny ' is mummy coming home tonight ' to which she sternly replies ' your mother and father work very hard to give you a good life you should appreciate their commitment to their good work now you go to sleep '. 

I heard  nanny walking down stairs to her bedroom and I was on the second floor of my house all alone with a book of the dead under my bed. I fell asleep anyway as I was used to being alone and scared when I awoke at some point in the night with a young man sat on my bed looking at me he was very pale and had jet black hair and piercing blue eyes. I thought I was dreaming and went back to sleep when he spoke and said ' Awake child I am the one you have been waiting for I have come to you just as you wished I would ' . I opened my eyes from under the sheets trying to remain as calm as possible in a body that was a pure heart beat that was right in my mouth.

Are you scared of me he said in a faint and patient voice , I pulled back the blankets and looked up at this dark figure that looked so pale and life less and full of misery. Then why summon me he said if you are even too scared to look up at me. The dark and mysterious figure got up from my bed and went over to the window and looked out where he started talking to me with his back to me. Why did you summon me back to this house he said , I said you have been here before in this house. He started to laugh and said ' oh I have been here before in this very room in this very house this room was where I was killed back in the 1800's. 

I said look I believe in god and I believe in heaven and nothing you can so or do will make me change my mind I am true to my faith as a Christian of the church of Jesus Christ and you cannot take that away from me. He laughed still remaining looking out of the window and still talking with his back to me. You know who wrote that book he said that book that you summoned me from?. I said , No I just found it in my library it must have been written many many years. He stopped me in my tracks from talking that book he said was written by my very own father. My father turned to the Occult because of me. I said but why would your dad write such a vile and evil book about demons and devils. He moved from the window and quietly walked around the room looking at the walls as he was walking. He spoke in a quiet but firm voice my father was a good man he built up his empire and he purchased this huge house and had many men to work on it. It was such a beautiful house and my mother adored it and her family we were very happy here the three of us and life was good and we lived well. I came of age into my teens and I was getting feelings inside me feelings that scared me to death but feelings that I could not suppress. 

I was sat up in bed too scared to get out or even run out of the room I had summoned up this young man or what ever he was and I had to deal with the consequences he had not hurt me but I felt like he was very cold towards me not even looking at me as he was talking but wandering the room like he did not know what do with himself or for that fact even with me. 

How old are you? he said, I replied I am fourteen going on fifteen. Are you happy in this house? he said. I replied no. But he said ' you want for nothing and you have more than many others your age in this world. I said yes but I do not have friendships like most people my age. What year are we in he said , I said the year Nineteen ninety nine. He said , I have been dead for well over A century stuck in a book but yet I still recall so much pain that went on in this room and in this house. Where are the dark paintings gone he said from these walls the evil abominations that my father covered the walls with. I said when we came to live here there were no paintings on the walls just empty painted walls of magnolia. 

I guess they are downstairs he said beyond the servants quarters. I said there is a room down there beyond the servants quarters?. Oh yes he said that was where my father kept his precious statute , that was where my father would take me every day to look at her to pray not to end up like her to beg to god to change me for the abomination that I was told I was. I replied a statue what statue? , the famous statue he replied ' ' The woman on the beast ' what my dad called ' the w***e of Babylon ' in her time she was the mother of all prostitutes and the abomination of the earth. My dad called me an abomination and he showed me such vile paintings and statues to try and cleanse me of evil that he said had taken a grip on me. 

You see he said walking back to the window , I was coming of age and I had a very close bond with my personal servant we were the best of friends and he made me feel so good about myself and we were good for each other. I guess like you I felt trapped and I had nobody I could communicate with apart from the servants and my tutors. There was a heavy bond between me and my man servant and I fell in love with him and he fell in love with me. It just happened and we were both petrified of this but passion took over and we were both only human beings in a very cruel world. We kept our passion a secret and the whole reason he came to work for my father was because he was thrown out and disowned by his own family not to mention hiding from society just because he felt love for the same s*x and he told his family. The only way he could stay out of prison was to go into service as a member of staff to my father that way the authorities could not touch him but that also brought him into communication with me. 

I replied so much has changed since then in the world that you used to live in the world is far more fair now and accepting. He continued to walk around the room and feel the walls with his fingers and spoke about the paintings he had to look at day in and day out. The many paintings of destruction and fallen angels that have fallen pray to the beast and let their sins take them into hell. My father prayed over my bed every day and night that I be freed from the beast and given a place into the kingdom of heaven. He said I had been plagued by sin and that this sin must be drawn out of me and I must go to the ' The river of life ' and find the light of god. I must go to the gates in the city where I will be greeted by god and forgiven my sins.