Slave For Lust

VII - He Searched

SAHARRA’S POV

I STAYED on that swing without realizing that my tears were falling. I let myself be swept away by those memories. I just did not expect that until now I am still affected by what happened in the past. I thought I had moved on from that incident. I thought that I would not be affected no matter how many times I revisited the past.

I thought it took a long time to heal the wound in my heart. I thought it had been erased from my heart a long time ago. I thought I wouldn't be hurt when I went back to it. But I was wrong.

I am still hurt. I am still struggling. And I still blame myself.

I am disgusted with myself. Because I couldn't get out of the problem I was carrying. I have left my family home. I have left their world but their memory remains with me and even if I want to remove it, I can't.

I thought I could breathe easy because I was living alone and I no longer needed a decision and permission from my parents. I can decide on my own.

But still not. Because here I am, hurting and torturing myself again by chasing Clark. Because of my love for him, I felt sorry for myself again.

I will go back to thinking about how I can overcome the ordeal of what I am carrying. Even if I say I am happy with Clark, I can't hide the pain in my heart. I love him so much that I am ready to be a slave to him. But instead of that I felt sorry for myself. I am sure when Emerald finds out, she'll feel sorry for me too. That's why no one knows about my return to Clark except my family that Clark brought to a restaurant.

I know they will call me stupid. I knew others would support me getting back with Clark but once they heard how that man treated me, I knew they would force me to stop chasing.

Something I can't do.

I am just thinking that maybe in the end Clark will be able to love me again. I am just thinking that all the sacrifices I am making have a return of comfort. Even if that's not certain.

I took a deep breath and felt the cold air. I looked at the vast plain. There were so many stars that's why I smiled. The sin of the sky is really different. As long as the moon is shining and the stars are shining, it can bring joy to a person's heart.

A few moments later, for no apparent reason, I looked at the road of cars exiting this condominium. It wasn't near where I was sitting but I could see the cars and my eyes widened in surprise when I saw a familiar car. It was from Clark. Not to brag, I memorized all his cars, even the license plate and if he put any stickers on the car. All that was not erased from my mind so I knew it was Clark's.

Where is he going and he looks like he's in a hurry?

However, I stayed where I was and felt my loneliness again. It would be better if Clark left so he wouldn't have to look for me because I don't want to go home. If I could sleep here in the garden, I would.

I really feel bad for Clark but I know that I have no right to feel that way. I'll just understand him because I feel that's what he needs. And when I give up on loving him, he will look at me differently as if I am already very bad.

I took a deep breath again. I am just thankful because he doesn't entertain any other woman besides me. He changed. And he's not the same as we first met since we broke up. He was not as wild as before when he was using me in bed.

Later, in the middle of my meditation I feel the light rain. I immediately looked at the sky and saw that the previously clear sky was covered with thick clouds. I knew that at any moment the heavy rain would fall but I still stayed where I was sitting. In fact, I wait for the rain to fall so that I can feel that I have someone to sympathize with, that I have an ally and someone to hug me when I am sad.

I want to feel the pain of my fate without holding it in because I know that raindrops will cover my tears.

And as I expected, it started to rain heavily but I didn't leave my seat. If I could have caught all the drops I would have done it. I felt the sadness and pain I was feeling while the rain was pouring heavily. After that, my tears automatically fell like rain.

I laughed.

There is almost no difference between us and heaven. Tears fall when it's too heavy.

"After this, we'll be fine, right?" I asked blankly while looking at the sky.

I know heaven won't answer me but I still asked that question.

Actually, I have many questions in my heart. There are so many questions that don't have answers because they just stay in my mind. I am afraid to ask. I am afraid that the answer I will get may not be according to my wishes. Especially when it's about how Clark feels about me.

Is there still hope to save our relationship?

Do I still have a chance to prove to him that I still love him very much and that I have never lost my love for him?

Does he still love me or is he just using this opportunity to get back at me for hurting him?

I do not know.

I have many more questions in my mind but I am afraid to ask him even one of them.

Until the rain stopped and the sky dried up. A little light shone from the shining sky. I took a deep breath and decided to stand up from my seat on the swing.

My whole body is wet and my wet hair is still dripping.

"Saharra!"

I turned to the source of the voice and saw a man with an angry face but worried eyes. He was running towards me with heavy, big steps.

I was suddenly nervous.

"Clark..." I greeted him when he arrived in front of me.

I noticed he looked at me from my head. Down my leg. He looked all over me, that's why I was surprised at what he did.

"Clark, why? What happened?"

But instead of answering me, my eyes widened when he suddenly hugged me. There I felt the strength of his heartbeat.

"C-Clark…" He didn't let me finish.

"Where the hell did you go?! I looked for you everywhere! Don't you think I was worried?!"